Summary: A couple of men aren't happy with themselves and would like tohave a go at being someone else.Let's let Gandalf and all the others try another life. Do you think Gandalf will do a good job being Legolas? Mix in a Stone door with a tragic past, a forgetful Balrog and soldiers on strike. The result is a Lord of The Rings Cake!
Disclaimer: I don´t own anything in this story. Well, except for a couple of the Ents, and the Stone door and… This is my first fanfiction
Hello, dear readers! I have decided to re-write chapter one, to see if I can fish some more readers. I beg you new readers, to; if you don't like chapter one, read the next chapter. The story gets better. I promise!
This story begins at the very secret meeting at Rivendell.
Legolas stands tall infront of the council, with his eyes fasted at his arms
"He is no mere ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, heir of Isildur, Estel, Elendil, heir to the throne of Gondor, the hope of men, Arwen's boyfriend, foster-son to Elrond, the wielder to the sword that is broken. You owe him your allegiance," Legolas says and raises his eyes from his arms.
"Gondor has no king, Gondor needs no king," Boromir says angrily and glares at the elf. Everyone sits still, holding their breaths. But then suddenly.
"Does anyone think this is stupid?" Legolas asks irritated. Everyone looks at him questioningly.
"I mean, Aragorn has stupidly many names. Just look at my arms!" Everyone looks at his arms, which are filled with names.
"And this isn't even every name he has..." he continues.
"Greasy-haired orc?" Boromir asks and raises an eyebrow.
"Yeah... Umm... I forgot the last one..." Legolas answers embarrassed. Suddenly Gandalf interrupts him.
"Oh get over it, you're just jealous!"
"Am not!" Legolas shouts, offended.
"Am not!" Gandalf shouts even louder. And with that, everything turns silent. "Oh bugger."
"Stop whining, snotty Elf! At least you look good in Speedos. I look like a sausage, Pippineven tried to eat me," Gimli hisses to Legolas and crosses his arms.
"Oh stop complaining! I don't understand you two! You don't have to be wise, boring, good and "unhot". You know, I would really want to do something really nasty," the wizard snaps.
"Like what?" Frodo asks curiously and leans forward expectantly.
"Like... Go and watch when Elrond and Glorfindel have their friendly reunion in the bathtub..." Gandalf answers dreamingly.
"Oh..." Frodo answers and leans backwards in the chair. "Ewww!"
Elrond turns into a very lovely shade of red.
"You know, when you have a problem, go to Gandalf. Go to him and whinebeacuse you're afraid of the Ring-wraiths..."
"Hey!" Frodo shouts.
"...because are trying to kill you. So not interesting," Gandalf says. "Not fair," he adds sourly.
"Well, at least someone listens to you," Pippin whispers softly.
"Did someone say something?" Aragorn asks, looks around and wrinkles his nose, like he smells something bad.
"I don't think so..." Boromir answers and shrugs.
"Hey, at least you all aren't stalked by a dumb git!" Merry blurts out.
Where did he come from?
"Merry, Pippin, Sam, and what are you doing at a very secret meeting?" Elrond asks them and gives them a glare.
"Just passing through... On my way to the kitchen," Merry answers and points in the way of the kitchen.
"Can I tag on?" Pippin asks happily and claps his hands.
"AAAAAH!" Pippin's cousin screams and puts his hands on his ears. All the others, who have been listening to the complaints, start to share their problems, as well.
"My tap leaks!"
"Red doesn't fit me!"
"I don't like my wife's cooking!"
"I'm sitting beside a filthy dwarf!"
"I'm sitting beside a snobby elf!"
"I'm sitting with all of you!"
Suddenly they are interrupted by a screaming voice.
"SHUT UP! YOU ARE ALL GIVING ME A HEADACHE!"
Everyone at the council looks at Elrond with shocked expressions.
"Well, I say Lord Elrond. That was most undignified," an elf says sourly.
"Most unacceptable!" a dwarf agrees.
"Shocking!" a human states.
"I couldn't agree more, dear friend," an elf agrees, "How could anyone act so, so... barbaric?"
Elrond breathes heavily and shakes his head. The rest of the council continues to look at him with shocked faces. Elrond glares at them, "I can't believe you all!" he raises his voice into a squeak, "Red doesn't fit me'-"
An embarrassed elf mumbles, "Well it doesn't."
"'The chairs are of a ugly colour'-", Elrond continues.
"I don't know if you notice, but the cream colourdoesn't match the flowers on the balcony," the human defends.
"'The chairs are too big'-"
"Who said that? The chairs are of perfect height!" an elf asks and looks around.
"You bloody elves are too long! No wonder you can't say anything sensible, the wind blows away all the brain activity!" a dwarf shouts.
"Oh, the wind does that? Well, well... you know that, that," the elf answers angrily and he looks down at the dwarf, "you, dwarves, smell of foot- sweat!" The elf looks satisfied around, getting approved nods from the rest of the elves.
But the dwarf smiles wickedly and answers, "Yes, of your foot-sweat."
"Why you little-"
"Enough! I have a marvellous idea! Since no one seems to be happy at being himself, let's do this: Put your name on a piece of paper."
Everyone does so.
"Put them in this hat."
Everyone does so.
"Now pull out a paper piece."
Everyone does so.
"Read the name on it."
Everyone does so.
"Now, if Frodo gets a paper where it says Gimli. He becomes Gimli. Understood?" he explains and nods.
"Fine," everyone answers and looks at their paper pieces.
"I'm not sure..." Pippin says softly, and no one listens.
Aragorn rubs his hands, "Let me see... G.O.L.L.U.M. GOLLUM!"
Gollum mysteriously climbs out of the hat. "Yesss, preciousss," Gollum hisses and sneaks over to Elrond and starts petting his foot
"Yess, very lonely being usss. No friendsss. No food," Gollum takes Elrond´s foot in his hand and studies it.
"Yesss, we would do anything for something slim, flesssschy..."
"Glump," Elrond swallows hard and puts both of his feet on his chair. Everyone else follow his lead. Gollum looks sadly at his, now, empty hand
"Oh, well. Let's see who I'll be... Aragorn," Legolas states surprised. Everything is silent.
Legolas throws his head back, "Muahahahahahaaaa!"
Now it is Aragorn's turn to swallow nervously, "Glump."
"This will be so much fun!"
This is how it's going to be in the future...
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