Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me; they all belong to J.K. Rowling. I am making no money out of this.

A/N: This was just something to pass the time while I was off school ill. Most of the characters are OOC, mostly for my own amusement. Dance my puppets, dance!

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What's Your Childhood Trauma?

Harry: Ok, this is an assignment I got for extra credit. I have to listen to you talk about the bad things that have happened in your life, and then make some comments on what you've said, maybe help you move on. You ready to start? Ok, so what's your childhood trauma?

Ron: I'm not sure really. Uh...well, there was that time where Fred turned my teddy into a spider, that was pretty traumatic. I've been scared of spiders ever since.

Harry: Oh please Ron, that's nothing! My family were murdered by the most evil wizard of our time! And you're complaining about a little spider?

Ron: Well you did ask...ok, what else is there? Well, it's always been really bad about us being so poor and everything, I guess you could call that traumatic. My parents could never get me anything I wanted.

Harry: AT LEAST YOU HAVE PARENTS!

Ron: Actually, I've changed my mind; my childhood trauma was having you as a friend! *Storms off*

Harry: um, ok, moving on.

***

Harry: So, what's your childhood trauma?

Hermione: Well, there are several key points in my life that you could call traumatic. When I was five, my nursery teacher wouldn't let me read Ulysses, and I was left with 'Rosie has a ball'. When I was seven I wanted a pony, but Mumsie wouldn't let me have one. When I was nine I came second place in a quiz, which as you can imagine was very traumatic. Now, when you say childhood, when does that age limit finish? I imagine it would be about eleven, so can I mention the things that have happened at Hogwarts? Harry? Are you awake Harry? Harry!

Harry: M'wake! M'wake!

Hermione: Harry, you were drooling. Well, anyway, if we go on the basis that what happened in Hogwarts was still my childhood, then... *Harry switches off tape recorder*

***

Harry: What's your childhood trauma?

Ginny: When I was eleven I was possessed by the great Lord Voldemort *monotone voice*

Harry: And that was very traumatising, wasn't it?

Ginny: Before his great plan could be accomplished he was interrupted by the vileness that is Harry Potter.

Harry: Um, Ginny, you ok?

Ginny: Since then I have worked tirelessly to bring him back to power, and just over a year ago my accomplishments were rewarded! *Begins to laugh manically* The Dark Lord lives! The Dark Lord lives!

Harry: Ok, I'm gonna stop you there. We can, um, continue this some other time.

Ginny: He lives! He lives! *Harry edges away quietly, then runs for it*

***

Harry: So what's your childhood trauma?

Luna: I saw my mother splatter herself all over our living room.

Harry: I really don't think we can add to that.

***

Harry: So what's your childhood trauma?

Neville: I'm useless at magic, I was reared by a dictatorial Grandmother, Snape and Malfoy bullied me all throughout school, and my parents were tortured into insanity by a Death Eater.

Harry: AT LEAST YOUR PARENTS ARE STILL ALIVE!

Neville: And I have an emotionally unstable friend.

Harry: Really, who? *Neville wanders away, shaking his head* No, wait! Who?

***

Harry: So what's your childhood trauma?

Lavender: My rabbit died.

Harry: AT LEAST IT WASN'T YOUR PARENTS!

Lavender: Well, Death Eaters murdered my parents last summer.

Harry: And you put your rabbit above that?

Lavender: I was very attached to that rabbit.

Harry: So, apart from your parents and your rabbit dying, is there anything else?

Lavender: I'm unsure about my sexuality.

Harry: And we'll leave it there. *Backs away slowly*

***

Harry: So what's your childhood trauma?

Seamus: Wait a minute; before we start this, I wanna have a word with you.

Harry: About what?

Seamus: Lavender said she came out to you, and you freaked out.

Harry: I deny any knowledge of that interaction.

Seamus: She's having a really hard time at the moment, the least you could have done was talk to her! *Starts crying*

Harry: I think you need someone far more qualified then me to work out your childhood trauma.

***

Harry: So what's your childhood trauma?

Dean: My girlfriend's a Death Eater.

Harry: What, I thought you were going out with Ginny!

Dean: I am. Have you not noticed the dark mark? And the way she walks around muttering to herself, saying stuff like 'he has arisen, I shall be rewarded'.

Harry: I thought she was just trying to get my attention.

Dean: She doesn't fancy you anymore mate; I think she actually wants you dead.

Harry: Love and hate, two sides of the same coin.

Dean: So is that why you have 'die Draco die' tattooed on your chest?

Harry: Leave Draco out of this, this is a completely different matter.

Dean: You know, I swear he was in our room last night.

Harry: YOU SAW NOTHING! YOU SAW NOTHING! WE ARE JUST FRIENDS! NO, JUST ENEMIES! I LOVE GINNY!

Dean: You're in love with my girlfriend? You bastard! *Recording ends here, due to smashed tape recorder*

***

Harry: Ok, so the tape recorder is fixed, and Madam Pomfrey says that Dean will wake up. So what's your childhood trauma?

Fred: Well, it's actually quite complex. You see, ever since I was a small child, people have only ever classed me as a twin, the other half of George. I don't feel that people respect me as an individual. If I ever accomplish anything, it's just assumed that it was in partnership with George. It has been very hard for me, trying to establish myself as someone other than 'one of the Weasley twins'. I really wish I could spend less time with my brother, but I'm afraid I'll hurt his feelings if I tell him so.

Harry: Have you tried talking to him? Hey, I'm good at this.

Fred: No, but maybe I should. Maybe I should tell him that we're spending too much time with each other, and I need my space. Thanks mate! *Leaves*

Harry: I'm really good at this.

***

Harry: So what's your childhood trauma?

George: I don't spend enough time with my twin, Fred. Also, I think my little sister is a Death Eater.

Harry: GINNY IS NOT A DEATH EATER! GINNY DOES NOT WANT ME DEAD! GINNY LOVES ME!

George: Um, I don't think she does mate. Last time I saw she was plotting your ritual sacrifice. I advised her against it, so she said something about visiting Dean in the Hospital Wing. Maybe I should have taken the knife away from her.

Harry: Ah, it's only Dean, so who cares?

Seamus: I care!

Harry: This is not your interview, so butt out. So George, what were you saying about Fred?

George: We don't spend enough time with each other; I feel we're not connecting anymore. Do you think I should bind us together using the super glue jinx?

Harry: Um, I'm not sure-

George: And then we'll have to spend the rest of our lives together!

Harry: Uh, George-

George: I'll never be lonely again! Thanks mate! *George strides off*

Harry: George! I don't think...! Oh bugger.

***

Parvati: Ok, it's my turn now.

Harry: Uh, you're not on my list.

Parvati: But you did all the other sixth year Gryffindors!

Harry: I'll use my divination powers to tell you what you're going to say, ok? Hmm 'boys only like me because I'm pretty', hmm 'my pet ant died when I was little' hmm 'my twin ignores me' hmm 'Ginny tried to sacrifice me to the dark lord'. Well guess what, MY PARENTS WERE MURDERED!

Parvati: You are getting good at divination, aren't you?

Harry: Shut up.

***

Harry: So what's your childhood trauma?

Draco: My Father never loved me, and I've had to use sarcasm and mockery to cover up my uncertainty about my sexuality.

Harry: You and lavender should hook up.

Draco: I think your missing the point of being uncertain about your sexuality. It means you like people of-

Harry: I know what it means. And Dean saw you last night.

Draco: That's not my fault.

Harry: Well, he's unconscious in the Hospital Wing at the moment, so we can blame anything he says on a mixed up brain.

Draco: Why's he in the Hospital Wing?

Harry: He tried to beat me up when I told him I was in love with Ginny.

Draco: You're in love with Ginny? YOU BASTARD! *Sounds of punching can be heard*

Harry: I never said I loved you!

Draco: You insinuated...well, it doesn't really matter; Ginny's a Death Eater and wants you dead.

Harry: GINNY IS NOT A DEATH EATER! SHE DOES NOT WANT ME DEAD! SHE LOVES ME, AND I LOVE HER!

Draco: YOU BASTARD!

***

Harry: And then he smashed my tape recorder to pieces.

Ron: Well, he was right, she does want you dead, I just had to wrestle a knife out of her hands. I think she killed Dean.

Hermione: Don't feel too bad about the tape Harry, it wouldn't have worked anyway.

Harry: Why not?

Hermione: Electricity doesn't work in Hogwarts. I don't know why you can never remember that.

Harry: MY PARENTS WERE MURDERED!

Ron: Geez, what's his childhood trauma?

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