Ok! Rated for swearing, angst, and suicidal thoughts. Oh, and "adult themes." Toad angsts about his powers (or lack thereof) and love-life (or lack thereof.) He is consoled. Funbeans. One-shot!


"What's on your mind, Toad?" Gambit asked, startling the Brotherhood mutant.

"Oh. Just . . . thinkin'."

"'Bout what?"

"Does it matter?"

"Not really." There was a pause. "But I'm bored."

"I was thinkin' 'bout me. Gambit, how do you . . . y'know . . . touch Rogue?"

"Gloves. Creativity."

"It's nice. That she can overcome her powers, have an actual relationship."

"You could too, if you tried, homme."

"No. Did you know I'm allergic to soap? The chemicals react with my skin, make it bubble and burn. I haven't washed my hands in years – why do you think I eat with my tongue? Speaking of my curse of a tongue, did you know it's so fucking long I could snag a bird sitting on the top of that tree, and not even move an inch? It takes up nearly my entire mouth, though, so I couldn't actually eat the bird."

"That massive tongue of yours, then . . ."

"It's very obstructive indeed. I can't even kiss a woman, Gambit. I really can't have a relationship. D'you have any idea how much that pisses me off? Every day, I look at Lance and Kitty, you and Rogue, John and whatever dumb broad he picked up off the street, every X-dork in the damn school, and I think 'I would give my life, my powers, everything I possess, for one day – hell, two hours of that.'" The younger mutant looked down, to his forearms. Even in the near-darkness of the outdoors, Gambit could see the thin scars that were so white against Toad's green skin. "Do you have any idea how many times I've tried to kill myself, just to escape all you happy little couples off neckin' in the corner?"

"Remy's gonna guess it was a lot."

"Hell yeah. I've even lost track. Not always just cutting myself, either. I tried to drown myself once – and then I remembered I was a fucking amphibian, and naturally buoyant. Plus all my little froggy friends didn't want to see my go. I tried to jump off a building when I was twelve, half accidentally. My tongue shot out involuntarily. I tried cremate myself alive and the damn sprinkler system went off."

"Mon ami, you are one very messed up toad."

"At least there's still a chance that Rogue can control her powers, that she doesn't have to die some freakish, untouched Virgin Mary type. Aside from the fact that no one in their right mind would have sex with me, there's also the minor fact that I wouldn't even be able to kiss them without covering them in slime or actually suffocating them with my tongue."

"Why them and not her?"

Toad blinked. "I might as well like both, since I can't have either."

Gambit laughed. "Your logic makes no sense to me, little one. And you're wrong. I bet you money I could find someone who would do you in a heartbeat."

"What's the point, I'd be skipping first base."

"So you cut a corner, miss one part of sex." Gambit just shrugged. "Same results in de end."

"But who would . . ."

"Fuck, I'd do y' in a heartbeat."

Toad's jaw dropped.

"Y' gotta quit feelin' sorry for y'self. Yer cuter than that Kurt devil, an' he's adorable."

"I . . ."

"Never knew I was bi? Sorry, surprise? Point is, I won't do y', 'cause I got m' belle fille, Marie."

Toad was stunned, to say the least. "Does she . . ."

"Know I'm bi? Oui, she noticed my rapt attention on Spike-boy's rear. Does she care? Non. Look, but no touch. 'Sides, she sees what I see in you, and we agree on my taste in boys."

"This is – a lot to absorb."

"Oui. Don' think to much, Toad. It isn't healt'y. I'll see you tomorrow."

Gambit went back inside the Acolyte's base, and Toad hopped back to the Brotherhood's boarding house, thoughts swirling. For some reason, he couldn't get that damn Cajun's heavily accented voice out of his head. It repeated the same phrase.

Over and over.

'Fuck, I'd do y' in a heartbeat.'


I swear to god this was a one-shot. It was.

And then Gambit stormed my brain (it was going to be Rogue originally) and demanded the lead role. It all fell apart from there.

So, do you want me to continue?

I'm not sure what else to do, since we have to get around the Rogue problem for what I want to happen to happen, but . . . you decide!! Suggest things if you like. Au revoir, mes amis.