In my Live Journal, I do a segment at the very end of my entries called "Things That Character Would Never Say" (well, I did before I started becoming heavily occupied with school and work and was left with no time to be creative). Here is my compilation of four of those cookies.
* * *
An owl just flew in through McGonagall's open window and landed next to her hand. It had a note tied by a string attached to it's leg. Curiously, she took the note and the owl flew off, back out the window from which it came. Recognizing the stationary to be that belonging to the Headmaster, she ripped open the envelope expecting it to be urgent. Albus never owled her in the middle of the afternoon unless it was something terribly important. Unfolding the letter and reading it carefully, she saw that it was indeed something that could not wait. Throwing it on the table, she quickly bolted through her door headed to Dumbledore's office.
At the same time, Snape was on his way to Minerva's office to drop off some instructions for Potter and Weasley's detentions. When he saw her rushing passed him, he tried to get her attention, but she hadn't the time.
"Not right now!" she yelled back at him as she scurried along don the hall, her emerald green robes swishing at her sides.
Snape wondered what could've been so damn important. He didn't want to await her return to give her the parchment containing the date and time of Potter and Weasley's detention, so he decided he'd spell-o-tape it to her office door.
When he reached her office, however, he was thoroughly surprised to see her door wide open. Looking around, he made sure that no one was lurking that could report to McGonagall that he'd been in her office. Seeing that he was safe, he entered and saw a piece of stationary sitting on her desk.
"Hmmm... What have we here?? This looks like the Headmaster's stationary..."
Severus picked it up and read it.
"Hey Minerva, how about a game of grab-ass? I'll be in my office until three.
P.S. You better hurry, Fawkes just blew up again, so we'll be alone this time, but not for long."
Severus turned more shades of green than found in a pack of 94 crayons. You'd think the Whomping Willow incident would've taught him something.
* * *
"Mr. Longbottom, how many times have I told you to read the directions on the board carefully??? The wolfsbane is added only AFTER stirring the dragon's liver three times counterclockwise!!!! What is wrong with you. Mr. Longbottom??? Are you unable to read or is your brain is so small you fear that long words will blow it up?"
Harry could see Neville trembling violently as Snape stared hard down at him with his icy beetle black eyes. Neville looked as though he would break out crying any minute. Enough was enough, thought Harry. He was tired of Snape bullying Gryffindors and so decided to do something about it.
"Why don't you lay off him! You're always bullying him!" It took every bit of his courage, but he was determined to stand his ground.
Snape turned towards Harry and to Harry's surprise, instead of being yelled at or thrown out of class, Snape walked over to where Harry and his friend Ron sat, his every step in silence.
Smirking, the professor's eyes turned a shade of evil that Harry had never witnessed before. "Well, Mr. Potter, I've been anticipating the moment in which you to speak up and inevitably say something impertinent." The potions master crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Yes, I've decided that detentions and taking points have no effect on you, Potter, so I have devised a new method of discipline which I predict will be highly effective. Oh, don't get me wrong, I'll still be deducting points from your house because, well, it makes me feel better. But no more detentions."
Harry inwardly laughed. What could be worse than serving detention with Snape in his frigid dungeons looking at jars with creatures with their dislocated limbs swimming around them in mysterious, cloudy juices?? If he could've rolled his eyes without Snape seeing him, he would've.
Snape continued, "From now on, for every disrespectful remark or action you make, I will recall from my memory something so absolutely horrid and vile that you will think twice before crossing me again."
Next to him, Harry saw Ron put his hand over his mouth. No doubt, he was snickering. From another part of the room, he heard a snort. Looking at Snape was already vile enough, how much more awful could it get? If the potions master hadn't been glaring at him at that particular moment, he would've been tempted to join Ron in his snickering.
Turning around, Snape went back to his desk, situating himself behind it. He sat down on his chair and clasped his hands on the desk, a sadistic smile crossing his face.
"Now, let's see... I think I shall tell you something that would make you scream with mental pain..."
Harry couldn't take it anymore. "Puhleez, I've lived through four encounters with Voldemort and a duel with his nastiest Death Eaters. I don't think anything you could tell me would make me scream."
Snape's evil grin widened. "Oh believe me, you WILL scream, Potter. You'll scream louder than your mother did when I boffed her on the very table at which you sit!"
Several gasps were heard around the room. Harry just couldn't believe it. SNAPE and HIS MOTHER!!!
The professor swiftly got up and in one stride arrived in front of the table where Harry sat, who was now wide-eyed and pale and without a doubt, traumatized. Harry gulped hard and looked at Ron, whose eyes were also wide with fear and shock.
"Yes, Mr. Potter, it's true. Haven't you ever wondered why the table leans like it does?? Yes, well your mother did tend to get a little out of control. We'd already gone through two beds and a sofa before we found this particular table." He patted it's smooth surface. "We chose it for it's durable quality, but, haha, obviously we were wrong..."
"ENOUGH!!" Ron had shouted, his hands over his ears. It was sick enough just thinking about Snape doing it, it was worse now that he had ADMITTED to doing it !! Harry had wanted to scream, too, but he was afraid that the moment he opened his mouth his breakfast would come hurling out. Now psychologically damaged from all the mental pictures swimming in his head (that he was sure that would be stuck there for a while), he thought he was going to pass out. He, indeed, was in mental pain.
The potions master moved gracefully from Harry's side of the table to Ron's side. "Ahhh, Mr. Weasley...," The same malevolent grin was still plastered happily to his face. "I'd be careful if I were you, boy. I've got tales concerning YOUR mother that would make your cheeks redder than your hair!"
Ron put his hands down and sat back in his chair, next to a still wide-eyed, green-faced Harry. Both boys were silent for the rest of the class period and when class was over, they both skipped lunch, too ill to eat, and went back to their rooms quietly. Needless to say, Snape had nary a trouble from them for the longest while.
A week later, as Snape was grading Harry's essay, he noticed that Harry's knowledge of potions and their ingredients had greatly and impressively improved, no doubt as a result of his new discipline tactic. The potions master heartily laughed out loud, "And to think... He actually BELIEVED me!!"
* * *
It was late in the night and Hogwarts castle was still and quiet. Everyone was asleep, save for the headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. He was particularly restless as he hungered for the succulent sweetness that his wife, Minerva McGonagall, denied him. He wanted what she had for so long. Her denying him only made him more ravenous...
"Come on, Minerva. PLEASE???" Albus pleaded, his words stirred his slumbering wife.
"No, Albus, and stop asking me," said a perturbed Minerva out of the side of her mouth, irked by the fact that her husband had awoken her in the middle of the night for such a lurid request. Did the man ever think of anything else?? she wondered to herself.
"You know I love you, don't you?" he asked hopeful that she would just give him what he wanted.
"You're not getting any, Albus," Minerva dryly told him.
"Hmph." Turning over, the headmaster knew he wasn't falling asleep any time soon and resolved that tomorrow he'd find out just where she'd hidden those damned Lemon Drops.
* * *
"From One Friend to Another"
Snape stared at the small, elongated box in his hand, trying to read the words written on all four sides of the container.
"Too... Toooooth... Toothpaaaaste... Toothpaste...???" He looked up at McGonagall questioningly.
"Good Merlin, Severus, it's not a foreign language, there's no reason to stumble over it!"
"Well, I've never seen it before!"
"It's obviously never seen your teeth before, either."
"Make certain that when you brush that you don't swallow it... I'm sure it would be a great shock for your body to see some form of cleaning agent in itself. I wouldn't surprised if it thought the toothpaste was an invader and launched a full attack against it, killing you in the process."
Snape arched his eyebrow and asked her, "So... you use this... toothpaste, as well?"
"Have you ever had the urge to slap my face so hard that my mouth was anywhere but in your face?"
"Well, then there's your answer."
"You mean you've wanted to slap me??" he asked surprised.
"Yes, many times," McGonagall answered. "This morning I wanted to so bad that I figured I'd give you the toothpaste as a last resort. Who knows the serious damage that I might do to you tomorrow morning if you once again greet me with a breathy 'Hello' in my face..."