Disclaimer: Boston Public belongs to David Kelley and that annoying network, Fox.

Title: Wondering

Author: crypticnotions

Rating: G

Summary: Marla thinks about her baby.

A/N: I apologize for any grammar mistakes. I do not own grammar check on this computer.

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It's been two months now and I still can't believe that my baby is gone. It happened so fast and so suddenly, yet it still hurts me. Everyone at school eyes me sympathetically, but I don't want their sympathy. I want my baby.

I wonder what it would have been.

If it had been a little boy I would have taken him fishing and playing in the park. I would have hugged and kissed him when he scraped his knees. I would have looked at him in wonder as he entered kindergarten and I would have nurtured him until he was grown. He'd have been a mama's boy for certain.

If it had been a little girl I would have dressed her in fancy dresses and put pretty bows in her hair. I would have let her play in my make-up and have little tea parties. I would have hugged her when the first guy broke her heart and I would have cried tears of sadness and joy when she got married.

When I see other people with their babies, I feel tears forming and have to turn away. For a whole month afterwards, I hated seeing mother's with their children. The tiny hands and feet and the piercing, bright eyes that gazed lovingly back at their mothers hurt me more than anything. People would show me their babies and I would just nod, hoping to get away quickly for fear that my heart might explode right there. I felt such jealousy that it scared me. I'm just starting to get over that phase.

I don't talk about it with others because it hurts too much, but sometimes when I'm all alone, I wonder. I wonder and cry and ask God why he did this thing to me. I never get an answer, it seems, but I hope it was for a reason. Maybe if I'd had it, something more tragic would have happened and crushed me beyond what I could have taken. I don't know why and it seems all I'm left with is my wondering.

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A/N: This is my first BP fic, so I hope I did an okay job.