Self-Insertion: The Mysterious Woman.

Paul Callan glanced around the house in trepidation.

It was rather old and unkempt with weeds sprouting over the broken garden path. The wood was old and looked in need of replacing. The windows were bordered up and the doorbell had a sign above it, written in small cursive letters, "Please knock"

He obeyed.

Paul ran a nervous hand over his messy chestnut hair and waited for the door that looked like it was hanging on by a single splinter, to creak open.

Obviously it didn't.

Paul pushed it slightly open and glanced inside the wreck of a building. Muttering a well placed curse under his breath (something about Alva and his unfortunate demise at the hands of a rubber duck) he walked into the front room.

An anonymous call had come in claiming that the location of all the missing people the world had been so concerned about was in fact this run down old house. The caller had said that Paul had to come on his own at this exact time for more details. Alva had thought it was an excellent way to get rid of Paul who had become increasingly bored and restless trapped in the SQ building.

"It'll be fine" Alva patted him on the back, smiling slightly "Just turn up and find out some information and you'll be back to normal soon"

'I'll kill you Keel' Paul thought furiously as he gingerly walked a few steps until he reached the bottom of a large, twisting staircase

"Hello?" He called up the staircase. A rustle, not unlike the sound of moving furniture, could be distinctly heard upstairs. He quizzically peered up them

"Hello... my name is Paul Callan from Sodalitus Quaerito" he began to walk up the stairs slowly looking around him.

The house seemed more run down now he was in it. There was the barest hint that it had once been a beautiful house that probably held a family with children and dogs and smiling jolly parents. Paul smiled wistfully, imaging a house filled with laughter and love was no trouble for him as he grew up in an orphanage and the thing he desired most was a family.

A loud crash upstairs startled Paul from his musings and his involuntarily hero-complex-syndrome-thing made him dash upstairs to the location of the noise.

He glanced quickly around the large room. There were boxes, a mattress, some stuffed teddies, a person, some shelves...

A person?

Legs waving uselessly in the air, the thing seemed to have crash-landed head-first into the pile of boxes and, after a few moments of struggling, fell neatly onto it's derriere on the dusty floor

"Bloody hell!" it exclaimed grinning up at him "It worked!"

'It' was actually a female and looked distinctly human.

She was about average height and wearing what appeared to be a home-made tee-shirt with the phrase "So... see anything in your blood lately?" blazing across it in bold, white writing. She stood up and brushed herself down.

The girl also had hair the colour of Evelyn's and in the same style and was carrying a coffee cup with the emblem "Kiss me. I speak English/Irish/French/Spanish/Ancient Aramaic/ Teenager"

Paul glanced down at the strange creature before him.

"And who" he said smiling in a way that clearly said "Oh save me now!" "Are you?"

Chocolate-brown eyes blinked at him. "Meguh...?" the person said, staring at him in a way that made him feel just the tiniest bit uncomfortable. It was almost as if she thought he was some kind of piece of chocolate.

She took an eager step toward him. He lifted a near-by lamp and held it ready to strike.

She wisely stopped moving toward him.

"Don't move or else I'll hit you with this" He gestured with his free hand towards the lamp that, he groaned, had little teddy bears carrying pink balloons on.

However, her licking her lips and leering up at him really wasn't quite the reaction he expected from someone who had just been threatened.

He nervously barked "Stay back!"

Her eyes glazed over and he was sure he saw some drool appear from her wild mouth "God Lord you're delish!"

"Excuse me?" Paul squeaked

She grinned slightly and took another step towards him.

Clearly this creature was insane!

"Uh... what are you wearing?" he tried to break the gaze of a hungry predator

The girl blinked several times, as if processing the question. She looked like she was contemplating leaping in his direction, so he took a step back and held his self-made weapon at arm's length.

"What? Wearing? Er... would you prefer it if I didn't have it on?" she grinned mischievously

Paul looked at her is disbelief and innocence prevailed

"I'd prefer it if you told me where you got such a shirt"

"Of course! Yes, sir! Right away! Answer the...Are those trousers new? I mean, wow ..." The raising of an eyebrow achieved the necessary end of cutting off her train of babble. "Right! Question! I made it myself!

She struck what he assumed was meant to be a provocative pose, a hand behind her head, her lips stuck out in a pout. On the whole, she looked utterly absurd, especially considering she was also attired in faded, holey, worn denim jeans.

Paul winced internally. Alva would pay. "How did you get here?" he asked conscious again of the "I-wish-to-ravish- you-studly-one" look

"Supernatural forces?" she giggled and mock raised a rather bushy eyebrow

"Supernatural forces?" Paul repeated in disbelief

"Uh huh... you look really cute when you pout, you know that?" she winked in a way that could only be described as something between a blink and a wince

"I h-have to g-go!" Paul stuttered backing out of the doorway

"WAIT!" she yelped, throwing herself on top of him

"What, do you have something to add?"

"Just a little!" she squealed indignantly. "You're not meant to try run away from me! I'm a self-insertion, dammit! You're meant to fall madly in love with me because of my stunning good looks!"

"What stunning good looks?" he blinked

"Now. That. Is. Just. Mean." She stormed off him and sat on the bed...wailing

Paul looked at her sheepishly. Where did she come from? How does she know me? Where did she get such a shirt from?

He walked over to the bed she was shrieking on and began to attempt to comfort the insane creature.

She glanced up from her position on the bed.

"Okay. So...are you ready to fall madly in love with me? I mean, it's in the rules. You meet a self-insertion and you fall in love with them and they change their name to Mary-Sue. Everyone knows that!"

"Self-Insertion?" Paul asked curiously "Is this some bizarre mating ritual I have yet to take part in?"

A wide grin crossed the girl's face. "It can be, if you want," she replied, giving him what he assumed was meant to be a coy, flirtatious look. It only succeeded in making her look like she had a tick in her eye.

Paul visibly paled.

"Okay tell me now. How did you get here?"

The girl shrugged "I came here through my computer. I made it this way. I'm inserting myself into your storyline and you're meant to go all smooth and seductive and shag me up against the nearest wall!"

Paul turned slightly green around the edges.

She looked up at him from beneath her dark eyelashes. On the average person, it would probably have looked seductive. On her, she looked like she was having trouble focussing on something and was being forced to squint.

"Now, erm... What do you mean by storyline?"


He narrowed his eyes at her, in a way that was part warning, part threat.

"I can't! You're not meant to know! I just put myself in to do the sex thing!"

"You brought yourself into my world with the intention of having a sexual encounter with people from my world?" Paul stared at her



"Just you." She beamed at him. "You're sexy."

"What do you even know about me?" he almost screamed

The girl grinned and appeared to be taking a large gulp of air "I know your name is Paul Callan and you work with a bunch of people called Sodalitus Quaerito and you guys investigate paranormal activity. However as a child your mother passed on quite early in life and you have no idea who your dad is (although I'm guessing your boss does) and you were brought up in an orphanage where no-one is too sure how you were treated except you developed a disease and were cured. Then you attended seminary school and, with the Catholic Church, investigated "miracles". However all changed when a young boy named Tommy saved you from a near fatal train crash leaving your blood to spell out the words "God is Now Here" and thus sending you on the lifestyle choice you're on now" she breathed out and grinned at Paul who was attempting to again escape from her.

"So..." her eyes danced merrily "Can I bonk you now?"

"You're nuts" Paul screamed pushing her to the floor and making a quick sprint down the stairs

'Have to get away. Be free Paul, Be freee!' he motivated himself

"Ohhh sugar daddy..." a sickly sweet voice appeared over his shoulder

Paul suddenly felt himself falling ever so slowly until the inevitable "slosh" of mud as his almost clean locks hit it.

'Damn. Fuck. Bugger.'

"HELP ME! HELP ME SHE'S GOING TO RAPE ME!!!" Paul screeched pulling himself up from the mud and running aimlessly around the garden

"Ohhh kinky... I like it" she giggled somewhere behind him


"Well... Paul? What are you doing?" the wonderfully silky tones of such a familiar voice made him cry with relief

The insane creature stopped and babbled then threw herself at Paul

"Knock her out!!" Paul desperately screamed at Alva "She's evil and wants to have sex with me!"

Alva curiously raised his eyebrow at his colleague "Paul... that is not a bad thing. Unless of course you *exorcise* for the other team so to speak. And even then you will always have a friend in me to come to and talk to because we've all went through this stage in our lives..."

"JUST HIT HER!" Alva shrugged and looked at the girl

Alva Keel, his lips twitching with the threat of a smirk, looked down at the harmless-looking female with her arms around Paul's knees. Cinnamon eyes blinked up at him from behind glasses.

She looked harmless.

And she was staring at him in a rather...frightening fashion

"Alvie..." she gurgled helplessly at him "In that hat..."

"Oh no..." Alva took a warning step back "It's one of them!"

"Them?" Paul asked trying to slap the girl's hands off him

"A self-insertion!" Alva wailed staring at the giggling blob "Quickly we must destroy it!"

Alva treaded slowly back to the car, in the same fashion one would expect to handle a rather hungry lion, and pulled a rather large barge pole from it. Gingerly he stood from the car and lifted the large pole and began to prod the girl on the head.

She scowled and let go of a screaming Paul

"Get in the car" Alva whispered "We have to go"

Paul, backing slowly, began to make some sort of peace gesture with his hands

"Uh... It's been great! Tell you what... we'll do lunch... I'll have my people call your people... uh..."

He sprinted to the rumbling car and the sped off

"Where to?"

"We're leading her to a public place. It's the only thing that can destroy her."

"What does a self-insertion do?" Paul glanced at Alva quizzically who snorted

"She was practically humping your leg... what do you think it does?"

"How do we kill it?" Paul nervously watched as the creature, in pure terminator style, began to chase the car

Alva gave him a withering look "We lead it to a public place. Over exposure to our world in theory should wipe it out"

"So we go home?" Paul hopefully glanced up at him

"Yes Paul" he sighed "We go home"

And they did....

A/N: Good Lord! How random!! I'll leave the fate of the self-insertion to your mind... who knows she might be back! I tried this time... I really tried to write a serious Miracles story but it just came out odd and inspired me to write something completely odd. This story was much more amusing in my head!!