Author: Mònica Spoilers: Play with fire. Summary: Ridicule and surrealistic. Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Not making profit. Feedback: Please! samba_pa_ti24@yahoo.es

TO LIVE AND DIE

Hanging from the roof, with head nearly touching the floor, not knowing where you are, not exactly knowing who you are is one of the most strange, enigmatic, sadistic and scientific experiences in life.

Actually I'm enjoying it, it has taken out a side of my personality I used to shut down. What is bothering me, is the reason why I'm here. Last thing I remember is the view of a bullet coming slowly to me, facing me with all its mortality and the sound of death. It sounds like a joke but I swear to you it's the truth.

I've lost sense of time. I don't know how many hours or days I've spent unconscious and how many time I've been awake, but this ignorance doesn't make me feel afraid. Contrary to what you may think, I feel relaxed, I notice calm surrounding me, though I keep questioning who has put me in this position.

This is what I needed! Time to think, time to order my ideas, time to escape from the world. I, now, can see things from another perspective. It's all so clear, clearer than it has ever been. I feel love so intense and I feel hate to. Hate towards myself, but now, it's good, because I can admit it and live with it. I can't see the point in being in this reality yet, but I'm sure, sooner or later, I'll figure it out. I still know I've not lost my reason, or maybe, have I? But it doesn't really matter, I'm not in pain anymore.

I'm feeling tired, maybe I should go back to sleeping. This position is not so bad but something is keeping me awaken. But what? Maybe the rumour I hear far away..... Wow that's great!!! I can touch the floor with the tip of my nose. I'm having a great time but I still cannot imagine what I'm doing here, in the middle of a white room with no doors, no windows and no finish.... I'm beginning to think this is a mystical experience... Have I found GOD?

"Not at all, but you're close to the right answer" it's the voice of a young woman. She's right at my back. "It's time to go back to a normal position". She helps me to get on the floor and puts a chair in front of me.

"Sit down, please." She says without looking at me.

"It's necessary. What do you want from me?" I ask nervously and look at her like if I was Jack Nicholson in "The

"Hey, don't be mad at me. It hasn't been my idea. In fact, I wasn't supposed to meet you for forty years more. I'm happy as you are with this so, sit down and shut your mouth ok. The sooner we start with this, the sooner we will be finish."

She is young, maybe around 25. Curly, short light-brown hair, brown eyes and a good figure. She seems friendly though she tries to hide it in the bitterness of her voice. Maybe she isn't very happy here, wherever are we.

"Ok. This goes like this. I'll ask you five questions, you have a fifteen minutes to answer each one and then we will decide what we do with you. Is it clear?"

I haven't understand anything. "No, it's not clear"

"Which is the part you don't understand?" She asks while lighting a cigarette.

"Is this an exam? Why do I have to do it? Which are the questions? Do I get paper and pen to answer them or it's oral? .... And exactly where I am?"

She moves her head like saying 'No, this can't be happening'. She exhales the smoke of the cigarette, takes her chair and sits by my side.

"Yes, this is something like an exam. You have to do it because I say you have to. You will know the questions in the right time. This is an oral 'exam', have you seen me with any paper? And where you are, this is something you have to figure out before we end. Is that clear?"

I can't talk, I simply nod yes in response. With every moment it goes, I'm more and more confused. Who is this woman and what she wants from me?!!?

She leaves. I am alone again. I don't feel relaxed anymore and the rumours I've heard all this time are closer now. I'm feeling like a five year old child, in the night and in the middle of a storm, or what is the same, I'm totally afraid.

She comes back. She is smoking again, she will die of lung cancer if she's not dead yet, because I'm beginning to think this is not the real world.

"Ok, Are you ready for the first question?" she asks me

I nod yes.

"Tell me, what has been the worst time in your life?" she puts no emotion in her words.

"Well... eh.... Mmm... I'm not really sure but maybe when I discovered I was going deaf. It was difficult to accept it and I couldn't share it with anyone. It's not that I don't have friends... ooopss maybe I don't really have friends because I'm not a social person. I'm nearly fifty and I still cannot understand why I'm so reserved and private. Returning to the question, it was hard to find out I was going deaf. My work, my world were in danger. It was like playing the roulette. And, together with that feeling, I was completely scared that if she ever found it she would not know nothing more from me. What would I be if I loose my job and my love the same day?"

She doesn't say nothing. She only closes her eyes and lights another cigarette. This girl smokes too much!!! I'm trying to figure out if she has liked my answer. I know my life now depends on her. I'm beginning to understand where I am.

"Now, I want to know the best time of your life" She doesn't look at me when she says it. She is bored.

"The day I met her was the best day of my life. Everything was normal, I couldn't say I wasn't satisfied with my life, but she was exceptional. Like the summer breeze, she turned my world upside down and changed everything. I've never told her but I love her. I would love to spend all my life by her side but there are too many things that keep us apart.... Lord, how I wish I could throw all my fears away and tell her my feelings... yep definitely, the day I met her was the best time of my life?"

She is now staring at me like if she was really interested in what I'm saying. She has her elbows on her knees and her face between her hands.

"Your worst fear?" she whispers.

"To loose her" I simply say.

"Your secret desire"

"To have her"

She stands up and has an inexpressive look in her face. I wonder if I have said something wrong. I wonder if I have answered right to her questions. But I'm not finished. Another question waits for me.

"Ok, Gil, this is the last question. Don't answer wrong ok?"

I nod

She sits again, now nearer to me and whispers to my ear,

"What would you do if you had a second chance?"

I now understand it all. I now know where I am. I now remember everything. Life is giving me a second chance and I'm not wasting it.

"I would not be afraid anymore"

I don't have to say more. She understands me. She knows what I mean.

She puts her hands on my eyes. My heart is beating faster and faster every second it goes. I'm not in the white room anymore. I'm in the middle of an ER room, people are shouting around me. I recognize one voice. She's here. I cannot die, I have to fight, I have promised the girl to do it.

"Sara" I say aloud

"You've scared the hell of me Grissom. Don't even dare to do that to me again"

She is crying and holding my hand between hers.

"Sara...I have..."

"Shsshh... don't say anything. You have to rest"

I try to stand up but the pain is nearly unbearable. She helps me to bed again.

"Sara, I'm not afraid anymore. I love you and I want you to love me. Tell me it isn't too late" I'm the one who is crying now.

"It's not too late" she says while she looks at me and caresses my face with her other hand.

I can now sleep again. But this time I have wonderful dreams. And though I've been shot and I've nearly been dead I'm happy and I know I will be happy forever more.

FINIS

Mònica 2004