I don't own X-Men: Evolution or G.I. Joe. They belong to Marvel. I don't own Althea, Xi, or the concept of the Misfits. They belong to Red Witch. I do own Adam and Carly, so if you want to use them, go ahead. You can blame this story on a mail-order catalog named What on Earth (which can also be accessed at WhatOnEarthCatalog.com.) I was looking at it this past week and once again became entranced by the novelty shirts (which I just love.) And I could actually hear our beloved characters saying some of those things. And I just had to write this. Some of the sayings aren't on shirts, but on little plaques, but they're still funny. So, enjoy!

A Day in the Life

Breakfast

"Good morning," Beach Head grumbled as he entered the kitchen where Carly was sitting, eating a bowl of cereal.

"Good morning is an oxymoron," she replied with a chipper grin.

"If you're happy and you know it, go away," he groaned as he sat across from her with his mug of coffee. "I hate morning people."

"I have a philosophy," she explained, the bright smile still in place. "Start every day with a smile and get it over with."

"What's on the roster today for training?"

"I used to care, but now I take a pill for that," she replied, tossing him a pill bottle.

"These are Flintstones vitamins," he said, looking at the label on the bottle.

"Yeah, well I gotta take something and Psyche-Out doesn't think I'm insane enough to warrant pills."

"Has he ever even met you?"

"Apparently not. Well, its time for me to go meet the others for morning training," Carly said as she got up and put her dishes in the sink. "See you in class."

"I hate it when it's my turn to teach."

*****

Morning Training

"After a quick obstacle course run, we're going to do a battle simulation," Low Light grumbled as he began his turn at teaching the training session. "The point of the simulation will be to adapt to the unexpected."

"Right, so we have to expect the unexpected," Pietro said sarcastically.

"Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?" Xi questioned.

"Get a move on, training doesn't last all day!"

After a quick run through the obstacle course, the teenagers were allowed a few minutes to rest up while Low Light set up the battle simulation.

"I don't think I'm ever going to get used to training," a winded Adam whined.

"Don't worry. You eventually will," Althea assured him. "At least we don't have to do Level 12 Danger Room sessions."

"I don't care if I ever get used to it," Carly stated. "I'm trying to arrange my life so that I don't have to be present."

"Is that even possible?" Todd asked.

"I don't know yet. But I'm sure going to keep trying."

"Training isn't that bad," Pietro stated. "It can be invigorating."

"Your parents lied. You're not special, you're just stupid," Lanced groaned.

"Come on you guys, let's get this over with!" Low Light yelled.

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether," Adam said.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Wanda asked.

"He means let's ditch," Carly translated. "It won't be so bad. This is bound to be better than the obstacle course."

"That's what you said the last time. Before you got smacked on the head with a paintball."

"When you're right no one remembers. When you're wrong no one forgets," she groaned. "Besides, I'm prepared now. Today is paintball day, I know to protect my head."

"Stop yapping and get your butts moving!" Low Light screamed in frustration.

"Fine Mr. Bossy Pants!"

"I'm not bossy, I just know what you should be doing."

"We need to get a new instructor," Adam whined. "He's no fun."

"Look at the bright side. At least he's better than Beach Head."

"Yep, his turn is in four days," Carly said.

"And you know what that means," Althea continued.

"When the going gets tough, the smart get lost," Todd agreed.

*****

Not a Simulation

The paint-covered teens dropped to the ground as the battle simulation ended and the base siren began blaring, alerting them to a Cobra invasion.

"Some days, it's not even worth chewing through the restraints," Lance groaned. "Come on, let's see what's going on."

"Aren't they tired of getting their butts whooped yet?" Pietro asked.

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits," Fred piped up. "And Cobra definitely doesn't have their picture posted next to Genius in the dictionary."

By the time the Misfits made it to the invasion site, the small number of Cobra agents that had initiated the attack had been neutralized.

"What happened?" Althea asked, taking in the unconscious people.

"Apparently a few Cobras got a little antsy and wanted something to do," Roadblock answered. "Definitely not the terrorists finest."

"What are you going to do with them?" Todd asked.

"I have an idea. Send them on their way and tell them that we forgive them," Carly piped up.

"Why?"

"Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more."

"That will only make them angry," Adam said.

"So?"

"We need a new plan," Roadblock groaned.

*****

Lunch

"Keep staring at me. I might do a trick," Carly snapped at Pietro as she glanced at him and once again found him staring at her.

"How can you stand living with Beach Head?" he asked. "You don't look insane."

"I really hate this guy," she commented to the others.

"He's not that bad. He just needs to be whacked on the head occasionally," Fred replied.

"What is this stuff?" Adam asked using his fork to poke a pile of pale yellow goop.

"Knowing B.A. it could be anything," Althea answered. "At least Carly didn't help with this meal."

"Hey! I'm usually a really good cook as long as I'm not being drugged by some mean peers."

"Liar," Adam smirked. "You can bake, but you can't cook. There's a difference. You're generally only good with oven goods. Casseroles, while baked, are usually pretty marginal. It depends on what the casserole is."

"Ah, up your nose with a rubber hose," the feral replied, sticking her tongue out at him.

"Beach Head lets you watch too much TV Land," Lance groaned.

"How'd your therapy session go today, Pietro?" Xi asked.

"Does anyone even care?" Wanda replied.

Pietro glared at his sister then said, "They say I have A.D.D. but they just don't understand. Oh look! A chicken!"

Sure enough, a few fat, white clucking chickens ran past with a few Joes following them.

"Okay, who got the chickens and why?" Althea asked.

"We liberated them from the farm they were being raised on, Cuddlebumps," Todd explained.

"They were just going to be slaughtered there," Fred continued.

"We wanted to save them," Xi finished.

"Yep. Crazy enough for a post office job," Wanda griped.

*****

School

"For the millionth time, we aren't going to have a discussion on why there aren't any bathrooms on a Clue board!" Beach Head yelled.

"But what do they do when they need to use the facilities?" Fred persisted.

"You know," the teacher began with a big sigh. "You're a good example of why some animals eat their young."

"That's mean!" Wanda said. "Apologize to him right now!"

"Oh for the love of…can we just get to our lesson plan?"

"I, for one, found the book too long," Pietro said.

"What do you mean? It was the shortest book they'd let me get away with!"

"You know, any respect I ever had for you has been completely destroyed now," Adam groaned.

"You'd appear smarter if you'd just shut up!" Lance snapped at Pietro.

"Dude, it was The Cat in the Hat! How could you find that too long?" Carly asked.

"I had other things to do, you know," the vain mutant replied. "I had to do my daily beauty routines, I had phone calls to catch up on…"

"Nothing is more important than school," Xi said with a smile. "It's the perfect alibi."

"Of course there are things more important than school. For example, I'm more important than school. You have no idea all the work it takes to look this good."

"I can't believe you!" Wanda groaned. "Pietro, you're so completely wrong on this."

"I have my faults, but being wrong ain't one of them."

"Did Pietro just admit to having faults?" Adam asked in shock. "How is it even possible that he's admitting to having faults?"

"I smell something burning. Have you been thinking again?" Lance asked Pietro, noticing that the white-haired teen was trying to think of a way to safely rescind his admission of having faults.

"Everyone has their faults," he finally said. "I just have the least amount of faults of anyone on this planet. You see…"

"I've stopped listening—why haven't you stopped talking?" Althea asked.

"Tell me how lucky I am to work here," Beach Head said to Carly. "I keep forgetting."

"You're very lucky," Carly said compassionately. "You're very, very lucky."

*****

Chores

"I don't live here…why do I have to clean up their house?" Carly grumbled to herself as the Misfits all began their daily chores of cleaning up the Misfit house.

"What are you going to be when you get out of school?" Wanda snapped to her brother. "Professional sofa loafer?"

"Well, there's one thing you can say about Pietro," Lance said. "Not a significant source of help around the house."

"Ouch!" Xi burst out, looking at Adam in shock. "You just slapped me!"

"Please, don't clean up my mess. You'll confuse me and screw up my world," the light bender said. "And I didn't slap you that hard, you big baby!"

"Shut up voices or I'll poke you with a Q-Tip again," Carly grumbled after she forgot the words to the song she was quietly singing to herself.

"Okay, you are insane," Pietro declared as he reluctantly grabbed the can of Pledge and a dust rag. "You're talking to yourself."

"I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people," the feral smirked at him.

"I tease, but you wound," he replied.

"Even if the voices are not real they have some pretty good ideas," she said before advancing on him. "Like smacking you upside the head with a great big metal pipe."

"You wouldn't do that. I'm too attractive to hit."

"If you need me, I'll be cleaning the bathroom," Carly groaned. "Anything is better than being around this lily-livered panty-twist."

Pietro waited for her to enter the bathroom and close the door behind her. "I told you I'd get the bathroom cleaned today."

*****

Play Date a.k.a. Afternoon Training

"Have fun," Shipwreck said as he and the other adults headed into the X-Mansion. "We're just going to go have some nice conversations."

"Some nice drinks, he means," Althea groaned.

"I'm not going to drink anything Sweetheart," he replied. "I'm going to be on my best behavior."

"Like I'm really going to believe that," the water-manipulator winced as she saw her father goose Ororo. "I'm related to nuts."

"Embarrassing my children. Just one more service I offer," Shipwreck smirked as he ran into the mansion and away from an angry Storm.

"Get away from her! She's my girlfriend!" Lance shouted, shoving Peter away from Kitty.

"I'm better for her than you are you annoying juvenile delinquent!"

"At least he isn't a hunk of trash metal!" Todd spoke up.

"Can't you all just knock it off?" Kitty asked.

"You're beyond repair, Rockhead!" Peter said.

"Well, at least I won't take as much work as you," Lance replied. "I mean…There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."

"Reincarnation won't even come close to curing you!"

"I'm gonna get you, you rusted piece of junk!" Lance picked up a big stick and swung it at Peter. And missed.

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot," Remy smirked.

"If anyone's an idiot, it's you!" Xi yelled as the first stages of a brawl broke out.

"Go Peter!" Bobby cheered with a grin watching his friend fight Lance. "Kick his butt!"

"Has anyone ever just hauled off and hit you?" Adam asked him. "Because someone's about to now!" He threw some light balls at the ice mutant but missed and nearly hit Scott.

"I can't believe my life…what did I do to deserve this life?" Scott moaned.

"I'll give you the secret to life, Sweetcheeks," Carly said. "Don't take life so seriously. It isn't permanent."

"Stop hitting on my boyfriend!" Jean ordered.

"I'm not hitting on him! I'm just giving him some very good advice. You know, that outfit makes your butt look big," Carly said, looking the redhead over.

"A closed mouth gathers no feet," Pietro advised quietly. Then his voice got louder, "I'm so sorry. Carly's not good with the tact."

"Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic," she replied.

"Why you little—" Jean growled before launching herself at Carly.

"You know, that girl is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult," Fred said about Jean. "But if you insult her, she's quickly the adolescent we all know she is."

"What's wrong with this picture?" Pietro asked. "We're the only ones not fighting."

"Well, you know what they say," the invulnerable one replied. "When the chips are down, the Buffalo is empty."

"What's that even supposed to mean?"

"I don't know. Adam's never answered me. I think it means that we should fight now."

"Then let's have at it."

*****

Parental Meetings

"It's not true that life is one damn thing after another," Logan said as the adults all heard the first explosions. "It's one damn thing over and over."

"Having kids is like being pecked to death by a duck," Shipwreck stated as he took a swig from his glass of brandy.

"You know what I've realized?" Hank asked. "The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents—the second half by our children."

"If that isn't the truth, I don't know what is."

"Chaos…it's not just a theory, it's my life," Xavier moaned. "Why can't we reason with them? They're growing up, you'd think it's time for them to realize that it's time to stop acting so childish."

"There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggravate," Ororo said.

"Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-O to a tree," Beach Head stated. "Especially mutant teenagers."

"And there's still many years of this ahead of us…how are we going to survive?" Hank asked.

"The answer to dealing with teenagers isn't that hard to find. You just need to keep a couple things in mind," Roadblock said.

"What's that?"

"Age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill."

"That doesn't sound too nice."

"And," Low Light continued, "the best revenge is to live long enough to be a problem to your children."

"Come on, it's time to get to work and stop this fight."

"I have never liked working," Shipwreck said. "To me a job is an invasion of privacy."

*****

Misfit Family Dinner

"You're such a sexist pig!" Althea snapped.

"I am not!" Pietro replied. "I just said that, in general, women shouldn't be leaders! They aren't as strong as men!"

"'A woman is like a teabag. You never know how strong it is until it's in hot water,'" Carly said. "Eleanor Roosevelt said that."

"Could someone please pass the potatoes?" Adam requested, wisely staying out of the conversation.

"Where do you get off saying that?" Wanda asked her brother.

"Everything I say is fully substantiated by my own opinion," he replied.

"Your opinion, although interesting, is irrelevant," Cover Girl snapped.

"Always being right is an awesome responsibility," he said. "Besides, there's a reason man was created first."

"God created Man first because you have to have a rough draft before you create a masterpiece," Althea retorted.

"The potatoes please…"

"I'm just saying that not all women are as strong or as bossy as you are!"

"I'm not bossy. I'm just the one that was elected to be the leader."

"You're bossy. You don't know the meaning of team effort!"

"Excuse me?" Lance laughed. "Aren't you the one who said, "A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say'?"

"Could someone pass the potatoes?"

"I was young and clueless then."

"That was less than a year ago!"

"Whatever," Pietro shrugged.

"Could someone please pass me the damn potatoes!?" Adam screamed, shooting a few balls of light across the room and blowing up the toaster.

"You couldn't have asked…I don't know…without blowing up my toaster?" Beach Head asked. He still didn't know how he had been talked into hosting that night's meal.

"I did, but everyone ignored me," Adam pouted. "I'm easy to please as long as I get my way."

"Right…but now back to the sexist pig," Wanda said after a moment's hesitation. "I'd like to see a man try to have a baby…then you'd see who the stronger sex is."

"Pietro is such an idiot," Fred muttered.

"I don't know, it looks like the girls are enjoying jumping all over him," Adam said.

"Women love a challenge. Men normally provide this," Xi stated.

"I really hate my life," Beach Head groaned. "I childproofed my house, but they still get in!"

*****

Bedtime

"They're finally gone," Beach Head sighed as he plopped down on the couch next to Carly. "I thought they'd never leave. I'm never doing this again."

"Well, you know what they say."

"What do they say?"

"Some days you're the bug, other days you're the windshield."

"Yeah, well…if today was a fish, I'd throw it back in."

Carly laughed. "Tomorrow will be better. It has to be."

"I sure hope so," Beach Head said as they began to watch TV. An hour later he noticed Carly falling asleep. "Come on, it's time for bed."

"All right. I'm going," she grumbled. Beach Head?"

"Yeah?"

"What if the Hokey-Pokey really is what it's all about?"