Title: Heaven Forbid
Author: XiaoLang - Kaz
Summary: I hate him; I wish he was dead. He wants me dead and I couldn't care less. Let him sneer; let him glare; let him express his hatred for me. Let him ignore me, and yet keep all his attention on me. I don't care. …I think I'm in love with him.
Disclaimer: the book series of Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling. All work relating to the book series or the content and characters within belong to her alone.
I sighed, another piece of bread flying through the air and sinking in the water. Evening's meal did not go will with me. Not in a way that I didn't like the food (it's hard not to when you're nearly starving for a month or two every year), but that I didn't want to be there. The crowd, cramped space, the constant stares... I didn't want that tonight. In fact, I have been avoiding it for two weeks. Of course, my best friends fawn over me and wonder constantly of my absence, but they know me enough not to bother me when I insist on privacy and some solitude. I'm grateful for their understanding; but then again, I could always be wrong and they enjoy just each other's company.
I shook my head at the last thought. No, I shouldn't think that. Even if they are a couple, they wouldn't do that to me. If anything, they would want me to find someone since they spent so much time together and didn't want me to feel left out.
But... I didn't feel abandoned, or left out, or lonely at all. I enjoyed the peace I get, and the lack of attention comforts me, instead of irritating me. No one was always looking over my shoulder for me, or making sure I looked presentable to others, or warding off a mob of fans or killers, or anything like that. I was allowed to do things myself without someone constantly hovering over me, watching everything I do. I wasn't expected to be perfect in their eyes, the role model and hero they will constantly speak of and admire.
I snorted at the thought. Perfect? Me? At least one of my teachers knew I'm not perfect. Though he saw me far below standards, at least he didn't praise me and fawn over me. I shuddered. Him? Fawn over me? That would be horrendous! That would almost be as bad as—
I stopped my thoughts before they got too far, tossing yet another piece of bread into the water, watching it sink. It floated for a second before sinking below, being eaten by the creature that lay below the surface, waiting to devour it. At the moment, I wouldn't have minded tossing myself in and letting it eat me, but I knew that it wouldn't. No, the Headmaster trained it well enough not to take in suicidal humans, especially those of his school.
Sighing again, I stood up, throwing the last bit of bread into the water, watching it sail through the air before landing in the water with a dull plunk. My misery, I figured, would not end until I killed the one who gave me my scar, or die myself. But then all those I left behind would've cried upon my grave, mourning and wishing I'd lived. And besides, if I were to die, it wouldn't be by his hands.
I brushed myself off and turned away from the lake and walked back to the school, crossing the grounds quickly and passing the Grand Hall in silence. I didn't feel like eating, so I didn't set foot in there, heading straight up to the Gryffindor tower. Thankfully, Hermione and Ron were not back yet, so I immediately retreated to the boys' dormitory, cleansing myself before retreating to my bed, drawing the drapes close to block out the rest of the world. Forget schoolwork. Tomorrow I had the day off, so I could do I then.
Running a hand through my damp, forever-messy hair, I push away any thoughts I formed, drifting off to sleep.
... Go away.
Groaning, I open my eyes, regretting having done so when I see who disturbed my sleep. "Yes, Ron?"
The second youngest of the Weasley family, Ronald Weasley sits down on the edge of my bed, dangling my glasses in front of my face. "I have practice in a few minutes and Hermione wants your company this morning."
About to open my mouth to question what practice he was talking about, I remember. Quidditch. Much like soccer, but more complicated, Quidditch was played in the air. Some bloody insane woman who worked for the Ministry banned me from playing it the other year. And, as much as I would've objected, I enjoy not having it now. Quidditch used to be a thrill, an elation that kept my mind off other things. But once Malfoy came into the picture, it was more about competition. I was easily distracted and it was only when I was by myself up there that I could get away. Of course, I never threw away my broom, especially since my godfather gave it to me, and I flew solo now. If I really needed a distraction, I took my cloak and broom and headed out. But rarely did I set foot there with a broom in my hand. Most of the time, when I'm not doing work, I'm by the lake, thinking about random and not-so-random things. Sometimes, I don't think of anything at all; just stare out at the lake.
I snatched my glasses out of his hand and shoved them onto my nose. Sitting up, I replied, "I take it she wants to talk to me?"
Ron gave me a shrug. "You know how she is. Bloody nutter she is, but damn perceptive. Of course she wants to talk with you."
I ran a hand through my hair and pushed Ron off my bed as I swung my legs over the side, throwing off the covers. "All right, I'll keep her 'company'." After a pause, I laughed. "Jeez, Ron, but your girlfriend sure it pushy."
Ron went pink around the ears at the note of Hermione being his girlfriend. But how could he deny it? He actually had the guts to ask her out and they've been inseparable since. "Hey!" was all he could say.
I grinned and shook my head. "Well, go to your practice before you become late."
Ron nodded and jogged out of the room, his broom in hand. I watched him disappear behind the door before turning my attention to myself. I changed and ran a hand through my hair again before heading out and down to the Grand Hall where Hermione already waited, a large book before her while her food was pushed to the side, a fruit half eaten in one hand while the other was on the corner of a page, ready to flip it. When my shadow was cast over the pages of her book, she looked up, smiling.
"Good morning, Harry."
I nodded. "Hey, Hermione."
She pushed a ready plate full of food in front of me as I sat across from her.
"Here," she said. "Eat."
I threw her a look before taking advantage of the food set before me.
"Thanks," I said around a mouth full of toast and eggs.
Hermione smiled and nodded.
"Not at all, Harry," she said. After a pause, she continued; and before she even said it, I knew what she was going to say. "Did you eat last night? Because you seem so hungry this morning."
I rolled my eyes mentally. I shook my head to answer her question. "Other than bread, which half I threw out in the lake, no."
She sighed exasperatedly. "Why, Harry? Are you trying to starve yourself, or are you just anorexic?"
I gave her a pointed look. "I'm not starving myself. Maybe I am anorexic. But if you were starving involuntarily for about two months every year, you kinda get used to not eating."
Sympathy crossed her features. "I'm sorry, Harry. But now that you have the choice of eating or not, you need to take advantage or it. Please eat something."
She gestured to the plate before me that was half finished. I glanced down at it and nodded.
"Don't worry," I said, "I'll eat it."
"Thank you, Harry."
I shrugged and kept my gaze on my food, watching it slowly disappear from the plate and feel it fill my stomach, stifling its cry. When I was almost done, Hermione stroke up a conversation again.
"What did you do?" she asked.
I looked up. "When?"
"Sat by the lake again," I answered bluntly.
Of course, she wanted me to elaborate, but I wasn't going to. If I didn't know better, she would've wanted me to tell her what I was thinking last night. But I wouldn't let her know. She and Ron never knew what I thought about by the lake, and never pushed me to find out. They always wondered, but the answers they received were always vague, if given at all. I guessed they didn't like it when I did that, but I didn't care. It may sound rather rude or strongly negative, but I'm only telling the truth. I didn't care to give them answers when I didn't want to. They were probably disturbed by my silence, but since they never really asked, I never really answered.
The plate was empty in due time and I stood up, pushing away from the table. Hermione looked up from her book, almost alarmed by the sudden movement.
"Are you going?"
I nodded. "If you really need me, you know where I am."
She nodded in return and I knew she watched my retreating form as I exited the Grand Hall, going out to my favorite spot by the lake, a stolen roll in my hand. The wind ran its fingers through my hair and tugged lightly on my clothes, teasing me as I walked against it. I brushed a bang out of my eyes and continued walking until I came to my spot, sitting down and leaning against the tree nearest to the lake. Almost immediately I start tossing bread pieces into the lake.
It was almost like a routine to do, really. Eat, converse a bit with Hermione and Ron, then retreat to the lake and feed those under the water. Then, go back to nibble on lunch, then bury myself in work, skipping dinner and coming back for a little bit of more work before sleeping, avoiding all possible. That doesn't sound like normal hero actions, does it? But then again, I'm not hero. I'm but a boy nearing the age of manhood, ready to graduate and then die for his friends and all these strangers who knows him while he doesn't know squat about them. Wonderful, huh?
Bloody cynical I am. But really, I'm supposed to be a normal teenager. I AM a normal teenager. ...Okay, so maybe I can use magic, but so can those guys in Japan or China or whatever where they can be on their head for HOURS and don't even get dizzy afterwards. Now that is magic. Really! I can just tilt my head over the side of my bed and the blood rushed to my head and I feel a headache coming on.
Anyway, I'm not supposed to save all of mankind with just the tip of my wand and a lot of skill. Bloody hell, all I have is bloody luck!
I sighed and launched another piece of bread into the air, watching the wind carry it a few more feet before falling into the water. My thoughts wandered on to different things as I continued to throw pieces of bread into the lake. In time, I became bored with nothing else to ponder about, and sank against the tree, proposing to myself that I doze before heading back.
Really, I didn't need the nap, but it was still good to close my eyes in the shade of the tree, wind playing with my hair and clothes as only speckles of sun reached over me.
I must've been bloody asleep because I was oblivious to the footsteps heading toward me until they were only a few feet away. I opened my eyes slowly and turning my gaze toward the source of the noise. At first, I couldn't see as my vision was blurry through half-open eyes, but one thing I could make out was light blonde hair. My eyes opened to their fullest as I stared at the person in shock. What would he be here for? I sat up slowly, our eyes never leaving each other. Strange... he doesn't sneer or comment rudely on my appearance or mere existence.
To my surprise, really, he sits down and tears his gaze away, staring out to the lake. What the bloody hell...? I watch as he stares out, seeming to ignore me. That in itself is weird. Him? Ignore me? What was the world coming to? Was he under a curse? Was he ill? Did he even remember who I was? I open my mouth to question his behavior, but before I actually do, I decide against it and sink back into my previous position, keeping my eye on his back in case he tried something.
And, as much as I tried, it wasn't long until I fell asleep again, right by my rival. To do such a thing was unthinkable; and yet, I just did. I must've been sick as well if I thought it would be okay to do that around him.
When I woke again, I found my position different from before, probably having rolled on my side in my sleep. And what more, my vision was blurry. I knew that this was not because of half opened eyes, so I sat up quickly, touching the side of my face to find my glasses gone. Brows gone behind bangs and eyes wide in sudden panic, I looked around me for something that resembled those bloody frames. I found them not far from where my head was, folded and placed neatly as if valuable. I snatched them up and shoved them onto my nose, glancing around me to see that my company had left during my slumber.
"Bloody hell..." I mutter, running a hand through my hair. I stood up and brushed myself off, glancing up at the sky. "Jeez. Time flew by, huh? I hope 'Mione or Ron hasn't started running around the grounds like headless chickens yet."
I smile at the thought and started back towards the school, jogging up the steps until I came back to the Gryffindor common room, almost immediately being swarmed by worried faces. I push past them and head up to the boys' dormitory, shedding my cloak and kneeling before my trunk to retrieve my school belongings, ready to work.
I pause in flipping open the lid of my trunk to look over my shoulder, grinning at my best friend as he entered the dormitory.
"How'd practice go?" I asked as I noticed the stains and muck clinging to his clothes.
He groaned and flopped in a chair. "Worked to death, I tell ya."
I laughed. "Well, think of how Wood treated us? I'm sure she's not as bad."
Ron waved a hand in my direction and I returned to getting my things. When I stood up and kicked the trunk close, I said to him, "Well, you better shower if you plan on spending time with Hermione. Knowing her, she's probably camped out at the library doing extra work for all her classes."
Ron nodded and broke into a grin. "Yeah, and I'm sure she won't appreciate it if I run into the library looking like this." He gestured to his clothes. "Yeah, I'll go wash up. I guess you aren't coming?"
I shook my head. "Nah. I don't have much work to do, so I'll just stay in the common room. If you want, I can visit you two later."
Ron nodded. "Sure."
"I just hope I don't walk in on something I shouldn't," I added as I quickly exited the dormitory, knowing that I made him blush to the shade of his own hair with my comment.
Curled up in the chair by the fireplace, with a quill in one hand and the inkbottle down on the floor by my stuff, I started my report with a book balanced on my lap. I scribbled on about the uses of the potion we were studying in Professor Snape's class, going on by book reference on about each ingredient to make the bloody thing and such important details. I must've wrote a report about the length of my whole body before I finished it off, waving my hand in front of the last bit to make it dry faster before rolling it up and securing it amongst my belongings. My hand hurt like hell for writing so much, but I didn't care. I thought that I did a great job and would surely get a B on it in the least. If not, then I would complain and strike up a damn good argument with the Professor before I was sent off to detention.
I laughed at the thought as I capped the top of my inkbottle, putting it and my quill away with my other belongings before dumping it all in my trunk at the base of my bed.
I looked up and stretched, smiling at Hermione who smiled back at me. "Yeah?"
"Would you be joining us for dinner?"
I paused. Actually, I didn't want to, but... I nodded. "For once, yeah."
Her smile widened at my statement. "Great! Well, I'm going to meet Ron. Please come down soon."
I nodded. "Sure. Just let my clean up."
She affirmed my statement and left me to gather my belongings and clean myself up before heading down to the Grand Hall.
AN: Okay, inspiration (bribery and threat) has caused me to make this story, and I hope you like it. It's a little strange, I know, but I'm sure everything's okay. It's not much right now, but I hope dearly that you comment on this. This story, I'll note, is dedicated to my friend Lu who's got some funny humor for my stories and liked my first HP story. Please review/comment for me! (Whether by email or the review box Review box: Rawr! Feed meh! each is appreciated.)