(Disclaimer: We don't own Redwall or Lord of the Rings. The PPC comes from Jay and Acacia, who first came up with the idea.)
Protectors of the Plot Continuum: Mossflower Division
By Bubonic Woodchuck
Chapter Three: Much Ado About Nothing
[A/N from Shay: And now, because a reviewer requested it, we bring you the wild, wacky, and completely screwed-up world of the Bad Slashers. At least some of it, anyway. And, for the very first time, a quote to set the mood of the chapter. Enjoy!]
are regular occurrences!
Surely there'll be further scenes
worse than this!"
-André and Firmin, ALW's The Phantom of the Opera
The coffee machine bubbled cheerfully in welcome to the two groaning agents sprawled on the hard metal floor. A goldfish in its little glass bowl stared, wide-eyed, as a plethora of curses and Generally Very Bad Things To Say were added to its limited vocabulary.
A young woman of about nineteen rocked back and forth, eyes squeezed shut, curled into a little ball. "Bad images, bad bad bad..."
Her ashen-faced partner managed to get up off the floor and rummaged frantically through the metal cupboards lining the room. "I'm sorry, Akiko. I was the one that set the portal."
Akiko continued to rock. "It's not your fault, Mike. How were we supposed to know that the portal would open up...during that? Oh, Mike, I'll never read Salamandastron again. Damn Sue Department. Damn them, I say! Ferahgo/Klitch! The very thought of it!"
Mike Wilson gave a shout of triumph and held up two little vodka bottles. "Got 'em!" he said triumphantly.
She extended a hand. "Give. Here. Now."
He held it just out of arm's reach, grinning. "I didn't hear a 'please.'"
Akiko glared at him through long blue bangs. "I am not in the mood, Wilson! Hand over the Bleepka!"
Mike did so, grinning. "I didn't find it all that bad," he said placatingly.
His partner ignored him and chugged away. Bleepka was an alcoholic beverage - part bleach, part aspirin, and part vodka - invented and manufactured by Meir Brin, of Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy fame. It was specially formulated to erase bad mental images. At PPC Headquarters, especially in the Bad Slash and Disturbing Acts of Violence Departments, it flowed like ale at a Redwall feast.
Akiko wiped at her mouth, sighing. "Only because you used to write slash," she replied. "And trust me, I had a lot of trouble getting used to working with a male slasher when we first began."
Mike held up his hands. "But even for me, that was pretty extreme," he conceded.
"I hope we never do anything as horrible as that again. Ever."
Unfortunately for Akiko, this was when the Narrative Laws of Comedy decided to kick in.
The goldfish's eyes bulged as Akiko demonstrated her extensive vocabulary, kicking the computer chair for good measure. Mike winced, and plugged his ears.
"Don't remember that, Fish," he said to the fish. Fish was short for Goldfish. Mike could not be considered imaginative even at the best of times.
He made his way over to the console, checking the assignment. His eyes promptly grew to the size of saucers, and he placed himself strategically in front of the monitor, praying fervently that Akiko wouldn't want to see the assignment as well.
Of course, that was too much to hope for.
With a growl of irritation and a "Lemme see it," Akiko pushed Mike out of the way and leaned over to read the intelligence report. Mike squeaked in terror, and fled to one of the larger cupboards, whereupon he stuffed himself in, trembling.
The exclamations that followed were too much for poor Fish's mind, and he promptly expired. Mike, however, was not so lucky, and was subjected to a full ten minutes of pure profanity at a volume that rattled the walls. The commotion was clearly heard quite a distance away, because down the hall there was a ring of steel, someone could be heard shouting "Elendil! Elendil! For Gondor! For Minas Tirith!" and moments later, "Great seasons, Rena, calm down! And put that broadsword away!"
Now, dear reader, you are most likely dying to know what was contained within this slash fic that has got Akiko so ticked. Unfortunately, our authors are incapable of coming up with a pairing that is disturbing enough.
We just know it involves slash. And bananas.
Therefore, we shall leave the work's contents to your imagination. Have fun.
"Give it to me!"
"No! Not giving it to you!"
"I need it!"
"It's the last thing on earth you need right now!"
"Give it to me!"
A pause. Then, "You know, it sort of sounds like we're doing a reenactment of Amon Hen."
"Hah!" Rena lunged, taking advantage of Shay's confused state, and snatched the coffee mug out of her hand, downing half of it in one go.
Shay glared. "You cheated!"
Rena grinned, a slightly loopy look on her nerdy features. "Did not. I do not cheat. I merely use situations to my advantage."
Her partner sighed resignedly. "You and your Lord of the Rings obsession. Sometimes I wonder why you even signed up for the Mossflower Division."
"That's easy. I was the only one in the department with a solid grasp of Redwall canon." Rena drained her mug. "Plus, you can't kill anyone in Bad Slash. I needed...a creative way to get my frustrations out."
"And that hyperactivity."
"And the hyperactivity," agreed Rena. "And... something else." She didn't mention what the 'something else' was, though.
Shay eyed the empty coffee mug as they collapsed onto the sofa. Said sofa was the only décor in the room, save the pelts along the walls and the throw rug, and was covered with a large skin that looked like it came from some sort of mink. Working in a division where all the Sues were anthropomorphic had its benefits. "That's your tenth cup today, Rena."
Rena sat up. "Only ten? I could have sworn it was fifteen. More!"
She lunged for the nearly empty coffee-pot, but Shay managed to snatch it away. The blonde eeped and scuttled for the far side of the room, the taller Asian in hot pursuit.
"Give it here!" Shay turned and eeped again as Rena dashed towards her - and was promptly tripped by Bromire. Quickly, the mini-Balrog sat on Rena and grunted at Shay. Shay looked disgustedly at the contents of the coffee-pot.
"Do I have to?"
Bromire grunted again as Rena attempted to struggle free. "Nooooooooooo!" she wailed.
"It looks like crap," commented Shay, swilling the dark brown liquid around in its container.
The little flaming demon grunted louder.
"Right, right. Here goes." Pinching her nose, the rookie downed the rest of the coffee in a matter of seconds. She pulled a face, gagging and spluttering. "How can you drink that liquid horse shit?"
"By opening my mouth and pouring it down my throat," scowled Rena, struggling to her feet. "That was the last of the coffee, you know."
Shay grinned and dangled the empty pot in front of Rena's nose. "Thank you, Captain Obvious."
"No, I mean the last of all the coffee I had." There was a strange light in the assassin's eyes. "You're gonna pay for that." She advanced slowly.
Rena glared at the monitor. "Of all the anticlimactic times -"
Shay, who was nearer to the console, approached it, scanning the report quickly. A long silence followed.
"Well? What is it?" snapped Rena impatiently.
Shay turned to her partner, a frightened look in her eyes. "C-crossover S-sue."
Shay's eyes shot to the door, mentally gauging how fast she would have to run to make it to safety. Not that she knew where safety was, anyways. She bit her bottom lip, staring, terrified, into Rena's eyes. The older agent was beginning to catch on.
"No. It can't be." Rena's own eyes now shot to the weapons cupboard, trying to figure out which weapon would be the most painful. "Tell me it isn't."
"It isn't," Shay said quickly.
"Tell me honestly it isn't."
Shay sighed and slumped against the console. "I-it is. L-lord of the R-rings."
A low growl that would have sounded more natural with a badger began in Rena's throat.
"I-I thought you might be excited," squeaked Shay.
"Normally I would. But you know what? We're the PPC. We only get badfic." Rena spun around and stalked to the weapons cupboard, throwing the doors open.
Shay finished reading the report. She winced. "We have...interesting parentage. Very interesting parentage." She jumped slightly as something tapped her back, between her shoulder blades, and whirled to find Rena standing behind her, a long rapier in her hand. "Are you going to carve her like a turkey, or what?"
"Anyone stupid enough to write a Crossover Sue deserves to die. However, anyone stupid enough to write a Lord of the Rings Crossover Sue does not deserve to die that quickly," said Rena, who did not look very hyperactive anymore. She handed Shay the rapier. "You can use this for self-defence. I'd prefer it if you mostly stayed out of the way."
Shay did not protest. Doubtless the veteran agent would know far more about both canons than her. And, she thought smirkingly, I bet she's got a LotR lust-object - here she looked questioningly at Bromire - and that she's not one of those Legolusters. On the other hand, I'm willing to bet my job the Sue is. Only natural, poor Elf.
"D'you have a LO in LotR, Shay?"
Oh, dear. I was hoping she wouldn't ask that. My tastes are...shall we say...different. "Perhaps."
Rena managed to chuckle. "Don't worry, I won't press you. You said something about interesting parentage?" She turned back to the weapons closet.
"Er...yes." Shay peered at the screen again. "Uh, ah..." She took a deep breath. "Cornflower and... Gandalf."
"WHAT?!" Rena was at the console in a flash. "The hell? It's a freakin' mousemaid and one of the flippin' Maiar, for God's sake! How is that even possible?"
"Don't ask me." Shay looked resigned. "These Suethors will do anything to get spiffy magical powers."
The other assassin shook her head in disgust as she began rifling through the weapons once more. "And the other charges?"
"Hm. Misogynistic Bastard!Elrond, she joins the Fellowship, she manages to warp both Arda and Mossflower so that Redwall is right next to Lothlórien, she's got a Cute Animal Friend - a unicorn, which is uncanon in either continuum, and also Rapist!Boromir - ohmygodputthatthingawaygreatseasonsyoucouldkillsomeonewith - EEEEEP!"
Shay dove to one side as two massive nunchaku thudded into the monitor, completely shattering the screen and effectively disabling it. Rena was not smiling. Yanking a length of chain out of the closet, she stuffed it into her backpack.
"You set the disguises," she said. "We'll be in the Redwall universe most of the time. Vermin should be fine. Here's a portable disguise generator, as our console is...out of order right now." She crossed the room and opened up a portal as Shay tapped quickly at the handheld. "Oh, and Shay?"
Shay looked up. "Yes?"
"This one's mine."
Shay managed a grin at the mini-Balrog as Rena entered the portal. "I knew it was Boromir."
[Rena's A/N: Apologies - this chapter and the next will contain quite a bit of LotR. If you've never read the books, or even seen the movies, you might find yourself getting confused rather quickly. After that, though, we'll go back to just plain Redwall. Hopefully, anyways.
Yes. I am Boromir fangirl. You have problem with that? No? I not think so.]
[Shay's A/N: Free e-cookie to whoever can guess my LO! sporfles He's not in the movies. That was a big massive hint. Rena and I are both book-fans (though her fascination with all things Sean Bean is really starting to worry me).
Anyways, since summer's begun, you can probably expect faster updates from the both of us. However, we aren't guaranteeing anything. Please read and review when we do write, though. Feedback is appreciated. Thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far - it makes us feel warm an' fuzzy inside.
Oh, yerss, almost forgot. Our Intellectual Question of the Day:
Where is this yellow submarine that we all apparently live in?]