Take my bleeding heart
in your fucking hand;
tell me that you'll
and when you don't
and when I cry;
that's the time
when you will die…
-Make My Heart Bleed
"Just one kiss?" Your voice holds a hint of disappointment.
"Just one." I affirm; palms sweaty, throat dry. You're looking at me hungrily, like a viper poised to attack. I can see a sort of carnal desire in your eyes; lust is written across your face as you lean in, closing the distance between us so that our noses are nearly touching. My heart is beating so hard; I'm surprised you can't hear it. I feel as if I'm going to be sick, yet I'm giddy with excitement and anticipation at the same time.
You look at me, eyes glistening, one hand finding its way to my chin, tilting my head upwards, drawing me closer. I want you to; the gods know I do, but can I really go through with this? Can I allow you to pull me into your web of lust and still make it out alive?
I'm scared; shit I'm so scared. Can I make it out of this with my heart still intact or will you destroy me? If I let you do this just this once to satisfy the curiosity, will you expect more of me? Will you hurt me? Will you expect my heart to bleed for you? Or will you love me? What the hell do you want from me? I'm not like you…
I want to shrink back as your hand works its way to the back of my head; your slender fingers in my long hair. It's too late now; there's nowhere for me to run. I already told you that you could; I can't tell you 'no' now…Can I?
I never should have allowed this.
What the hell was I thinking? Your fingers are twined through my hair; teasing strands loose from the braid. Your very touch makes me shiver and I'm not sure if it's because I like it or I'm afraid. Your other hand has somehow made its way under my shirt, and it rests pressed up against my chest, palm flat and warm against my skin. When did that happen? How did your hand get there? Surely I would have realized…
You dip down, capturing my mouth with your own and, suddenly, I can't remember a thing. I forget to be afraid, forget my name, forget that you are who -and what- you are. I'm floating, soaring, drifting above the clouds. Something so sweet is not what I ever expected from you; I never thought it could possibly be like this. Is this…? Can it be…?
How did I arrive at this point in my life?
Fear returns when your tongue forces its way into my mouth. This is too much; I can't let you do that. I didn't ask for that; didn't tell you that you could. Panic is beginning to consume me; I want you to stop. This is what I knew you would do; this is what I expected of you. This is why I didn't want it to begin with…You know what you're doing and I do not.
I push you away and can't help but notice the startled expression on your face when our lips part. You weren't done yet, but I am. I am terrified of what you'll want from me, scared out of my wits. It needs to stop. It needs to…
You try to pull me back, but I duck out of your grasp, reminding myself how you and I are nothing alike. You tricked me into this somehow. I don't know how you did it; but you fooled me into this and I'm angry now. I'm so angry with you; taking advantage of me when I was feeling down. "Don't touch me. Don't ever fucking touch me again."
"Isn't that what you wanted?" You grab me by the shoulder, but I jerk away, flinching at your touch. "You said I could…" The words die on your lips as you look at me, your eyes darkened by some emotion I cannot identify. Is that disappointment? Are you upset that you didn't get to further ravish me?
"I told you you could kiss me, that was it." My eyes narrow, "I knew you would read too much into it, you psycho." My hand is in my hair, tucking loose strands back where they belong, but my gaze never leaves your face. You look stunned, as if you hadn't expected me to react so badly to your lewd advances. But still…there is something else.
Your sad eyes will haunt me for the rest of my life.