Title: Ice, Ice Baby

Written by: Cerasi J.

Date: July 18, July 23, August 17, August 19, August 27, 2003, September 6,

September 7, September 11. Final draft, September 12, 2003

Air Date: November 10, 2003

Rating: PG-13

Series: FRVS - Episode # 109

Spoilers: Euro Voyage, hockey movies, FRVS epis, and "Dreamland II".

Feedback: Yes, please! I love it! CerasiJ@for-president.com

Archiving: FRVS, FFO, if you want it, drop me a line.

Disclaimer: Don't own X-files characters, the Washington Capitals, the Colorado Avalanche, David Aebischer or Peter Forsberg. (BUT I WANNA!!! WHY CAN'T I?! WHY, WHY, WHY?!)

Author's Note: Um, yeah, can you tell what my obsession is? Also, please note that most of Brad's quotes in this story are actually my own used to put my television in it's place during the playoff's. I would also like to note that the phrase, "YAH FUR SHURE FROM SWEEDDDEN!!" is from the movie "Trading Places".

Summary: Krycek is convinced he can pick up girls by playing hockey and a few mishaps teach him otherwise.

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FADE IN:

[INT. Monica/Dana/Marita's apartment – 8:11 P.M.]

[CUT TO: We can hear the sounds of a television and the sizzle of something of the stove. We can also hear faint laughs. We slowly drift into the kitchen where Monica and Dana are chatting happily while cooking dinner. The cozy apartment is cheery tonight and all is well with those who reside there. Well, almost.]

[Pan to Brad, who is wearing a white Washington Capitals jersey. He is sitting on the edge of the couch, chewing nerviously on his thumbnail. He is watching a hockey game, the D.C. Capitals vs. the Mighty Ducks of Anahiem. Suddenly, Brad jumps up, knocking over a can of Bud in the process, he points accusingly at the television.]

BRAD: (Screaming at TV) AW, C'MON! YOU CALL THAT HIGH STICKING?! MY GRANDMOTHER CAN HIGH STICK BETTER THAN THAT, YOU SON OF A-…!

[Monica sticks her head out of the kitchen doorway.]

MONICA: BRADLEY! LANGUAGE!

[Brad slumps in his seat, shoving his hands through his hair in anger, the Capitals were down 1-2 with two minutes left in the third period! He was going to owe Skinner and Doggett fifty bucks apiece if they didn't tie the game!]

[HARD CUT TO: INT. John Doggett's house – 8:12 P.M.]

[Skinner and Doggett are sitting on the couch, lounging in sweat pants and college t-shirts. Beer cans and bags of chips are strewn about on the coffee table. They are watching the same game and cackling insanely.]

DOGGETT: [Between laughs] Only an idiot would bet on the Caps this year, they suck!

[Skinner and Doggett laugh it up as we CUT BACK to the apartment.]

TV Annoucer: "… Kolzig sets it up behind the net… stolen by Adam Oates! One-man rush! HE SHOOTS! HE SCORES! THE MIGHTY DUCKS WIN THE GAME 3-1 in Washington tonight folks, see you at the next Capitals game live from the Mile-High City!"

BRAD: DAMMIT!

[HARD CUT TO: INT. John Doggett's house – 8:13 P.M.]

SKINNER/DOGGETT: (Five high each other) YEESSS!!!

DOGGETT: Fifty bucks! All right!

[CUT TO: INT. Monica/Dana/Marita's apartment – 8:13 P.M.]

BRAD: ARRRGGHHH!!!!

[In the kitchen, Monica has had just about enough of Brad screaming. The upstairs neighbors were starting to call! She hands Dana a wooden spoon with instructions to keep stirring the pasta boiling on the stove. She enters the living room.]

MONICA: Brad, what's going on with all the screaming?

BRAD: (Is looking around for something to throw) The Caps lost! THEY LOST!

[Monica raises an eyebrow, confused. Brad finally picks up a copy of The Hockey News and throws it at the television screen.]

BRAD: THEY LOST, MONICA!

[There is a knock at the door. Brad gets up to answer, but immediately sits down again when Dana skips into the living room.]

SCULLY: (Cheerfully) I'll get it!

[Monica is looking confused.]

MONICA: Brad… since when did you get into hockey?

BRAD: Since it's not football season, I had to watch something! I hate basketball. Reminds me of Mulder.

[Monica laughs and crosses the room as the phone rings.]

MONICA: Hello? Yes, he's here.

[She hands the phone to Brad.]

MONICA: It's for you.

[She walks out of the room and back into the kitchen, Dana has gone to answer the door and is nowhere in sight. Good thing, too, because Monica probably would have opened fire on her. There is water all over the kitcher counter tops, and strands of pasta are hanging from the walls and ceiling like demented party steamers.]

MONICA: (Tweak from South Park style) ARGH!

BRAD: (V.O., on phone) AW, FOR GOD'S SAKE WALTER, HE WAS NOT OUT OF THE CREASE! I refuse to believe that Giguere would fake a penalty when his team was winning! GIGUERE'S THE GOALIE FOR GOD'S SAKE!

[Scully skips into the kitchen; she is followed by Alex Krycek. Krycek is carrying a large, black garbage bag over his shoulder.]

MONICA: (Sarcastically) Well, if it isn't Santa Clause.

KRYCEK: That's right, Monica Baby, and Papa Alex has a special toy just for you…

[Krycek winks; Monica shutters and Dana rolls her eyes.]

MONICA: What do you want, Alex?

BRAD: (V.O., on phone) MAKE A BET ON THE COLORADO GAME?! ARE YOU CRAZY?! … No, I do not think David Aebischer is better than Patrick Roy, Martin Broduer, sure, but not Patrick Roy. Well, okay, maybe Marty Turco… NO JOHN, THAT IS NOT A BET!

[We hear another copy of The Hockey News smack against the TV.]

MONICA: (Sighs) Dana, could you do me a favor and go and ask Brad what he would like to drink? Could you also ask him to stop throwing newspapers?

SCULLY: Sure.

[As soon as Scully is gone, Krycek empties the contents of his bag onto the kitchen floor. It's laundry. Lots and lots of laundry.]

KRYCEK: Mulder clogged the washing machine with replacement fish he bought at Wal-Mart, so, I need you to do my laundry for me.

[Monica glares at him.]

KRYCEK: And I need to borrow three cups of oregano.

MONICA: (Surprised) Three cups? What for?

KRYCEK: Er, uh, for Krycek's Famous Manicotti. It's an old family recipe.

MONICA: Manicotti is an Italian dish… your family is from Russia.

KRYCEK: DAT'S RIGHT! I'M DA MAN! Really, baby, I just needed to see ya. It's really lonely at my place, and I was sick of Mulder playing Simon Says with himself.

[FLASH CUT: INT. Fox Mulder's Apartment – 8:20 P.M.]

[Mulder is in the bathroom; he is standing in front of the mirror.]

MULDER: JUMP UP AND DOWN!

[Mulder starts jumping up and down and suddenly stops.]

MULDER: (Laughing/snorting) HAH! SIMON DIDN'T SAY!

[FLASH CUT: INT. Monica/Dana/Marita's apartment – 8:21 P.M.]

[At that point, Scully walks back in, her eyes are glued to the newspaper she has picked up, she is gaping at the photographs.]

SCULLY: (Practically drooling) Oh. My. God.

KRYCEK: (Curious) What are you looking at?

SCULLY: (Giggles/blushes/remembers Krycek is in the room) Oh, nothing.

[She shoves the paper in Monica's hand and busies herself with setting the table and preparing a salad. Monica looks at the paper, her eyes grow big and she nods approvingly at Scully. Krycek is a tad confused, and decides to leave before Monica sticks him on dish duty. He waves to the two women, but they are not paying attention.]

KRYCEK: Later.

[As soon as Krycek has left the room, Dana and Monica begin giggling insanely about the man featured on the cover of the paper.]

MONICA: Where did you find this?

SCULLY: It was one of the papers that Brad threw at the TV. I picked them up and there he was!

MONICA: Wow, he's really cute! Who is he?

SCULLY: I don't know, just some hockey player! Open it; let's see who he is!

MONICA: (Scans the paper) It says his name is Peter Forsberg. Did you read the article?

SCULLY: No, not yet! Read it to me while I set the table.

[What Monica and Dana don't realize is that Krycek is pressed against the wall outside the kitchen listening to their conversation.]

MONICA: (Reading out loud) "Peter Forsberg is the blue-eyed Swede who has a Cinderella story behind him. He was the player that scored the winning goal against Canada in the 1994 Olympics. He was also the first Swedish hockey player to be put on a postage stamp."

SCULLY: Wow. A postage stamp? He must be pretty important.

MONICA: Yeah! That's what it says! He's only ever played for one team, Colorado, it says he was traded to the Flyers, but he never played for them.

[Scully looks over Monica's shoulder at pictures of Peter Forsberg holding his stick proudly above his head, obviously celebrating a goal. His back is to the camera, his helmet is off and bits of strawberry-blonde hair are stuck out everywhere.]

SCULLY: Wow. Look at that ass.

MONICA: You could iron a shirt on his stomach.

SCULLY: Is he single?

MONICA: (Dreamily) I don't know. Did you ever want to date a jock when you were in high school? Because I think it would be kind of cool to date a hockey player.

[In the hallway, Krycek's face suddenly brightens as something brilliant dawns on him.]

SCULLY: (Goes back to setting the table) Have you ever noticed how hot Swedish guys are? I mean, they're like, the cream of the male crop so to speak.

[Monica and Scully's voices fade out as we pan to Krycek who is stroking his chin thoughtfully.]

KRYCEK: Chicks dig hockey players… Hmmm…

[Alex squares his shoulders and quietly shows himself out.]

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

[INT. Fox Mulder's Apartment – 9:51 P.M.]

[Que audio: We hear Mulder singing.]

[We see Mulder at the table, he is dressed in jogging gear. We can see he has a bowl of cereal in front of him, there is a box of Lucky Charms on the table. As we move closer we realize there is cereal all over the table, as if it has been spilled. Plastic rustles. Mulder is digging through the cereal in search of a Finding Nemo fish-shaped Krazy straw prize. He dumps a bowl-full of cereal on the table, shakes his head and continues digging.]

MULDER: (Singing) OH THE WONDERFUL THING ABOUT TIGGERS, IS TIGGERS ARE WONDERFUL THINGS!

[Mulder dumps more cereal onto the table and returns to the process of prize hunting. Mulder, however, is oblivious to the fact that Krycek has already found the prize and sold it on eBay.]

MULDER: (Singing) THEIR TOPS ARE MADE OF RUBBER, THEIR BOTTOMS ARE MADE OF SPRINGS!

[Mulder dumps the last of the cereal onto the table and pouts when he does not find the the prize.]

MULDER: Oh well.

[Mulder puts the cereal box on his head with the intention of using it as a hat to accompany his wonderful singing talents. The box, however, manages to slip down, so it now covers Mulder's face.]

MULDER: (Singing, muffled by box) THE WONDERFUL THING ABOUT TIGGERS, IS TIGGERS ARE WONDERFUL THINGS, THEIR TOPS ARE MADE OF RUBBER, THEIR BOTTOMS ARE MADE OF SPRINGS!

[Off screen, we hear a door slam. Krycek is home. Back in the kitchen, Mulder is now standing on his chair swinging his arms about a la crazy oprea singer. He has changed songs.]

MULDER: (Singing, muffled by box) I FEEL LIKE MAKIN' LOVE TO YOOOOOOUUUUU!! DUN-UH-DUN! DUN-UH-DUN!

[The camera pans to the doorway, where Krycek now stands. We notice Krycek is dressed to the Nines in hockey gear, complete with Jason-style facemask. We figure he has probably paid for his new gear with his Endless Credit Card. He pushes his facemask back so that it sits atop his head; he has a disturbed look on his face. Krycek carefully approaches Mulder, we realize Krycek is even wearing ice skates and he is leaving gouge marks in the hardwood floor. With an eyebrow quirked, Alex grins. He just can't resist. He has to test out the new stick, after all… There is a loud CRACK! as Krycek's hockey stick connects with the side of Mulder's head. Mulder tumbles to the floor.]

MULDER: (Screaming in pain) OWWIE!!

[Krycek smiles and stands his hockey stick in the corner.]

[At this point in time Mulder is rolling around on the floor, screaming, trying to pull the box off his head.]

MULDER: (Screaming/Panicking) I'M BLIND! I'M BLIND!

KRYCEK: (Rolls eyes) Take the cereal box off your head!

[Mulder finally pulls the box off his head. His eyes are closed.]

MULDER: (Screaming) I STILL CAN'T SEE!!

KRYCEK: Open your eyes, jackass!

[Mulder opens his eyes and sighs in relief.]

MULDER: Alex! Oh, It's you! The aliens! I heard them! I thought I was going to be taken like they took Sam-! Poor Sammie!

[Mulder's eyes grow very large and well up with tears, we know he's going to re-hash the whole damn alien story again. Krycek heads him off at the pass. He motions to his hockey gear and raises an eyebrow suggestively.]

KRYCEK: Hey! What do you think of my new duds? Am I a stud or what? I'M DA MAN!

MULDER: (Looks Alex up and down) Ooh! I didn't know you liked hockey! Are you trying out for that team? Um… The one with the little kids, you know? With the ducks?

KRYCEK: The Mighty Ducks?

MULDER: No… you know. The one with Russel Crowe? Where they made the guy skate naked?

KRYCEK: Mystery Alaska?

MULDER: Um, no… the other one!

KRYCEK: WHAT OTHER ONE?! THERE IS NO OTHER ONE!

MULDER: The one with Paul Newman!

KRYCEK: Slap-Shot?

MULDER: Umm… no…

KRYCEK: NO! I'm not trying out for any of those teams! (He straightens his jersey, which bares the logo of the New York Rangers) Man, don't you get it? Chicks dig hockey! Monica totally wanted to get in my pants!

MULDER: Then why are you here and not at Monica's?

KRYCEK: THAT'S NOT THE POINT! She was totally turned on by all those hockey players on TV. Brad was watching a game.

MULDER: How do you know she was turned on by all those hockey players?

KRYCEK: Because, she and Dana sat there and giggled about how hot this Swedish guy was.

MULDER: But you're not Swedish, you're Russian.

KRYCEK: I am too Swedish, listen, I've got their accent down pat! (He takes a deep breath) YAH FUR SHURE FROM SWEEDDDEN!!

MULDER: That doesn't even sound Swedish.

KRYCEK: Yes, it does!

MULDER: No, it doesn't!

KRYCEK: Yes, it does!

MULDER: No, it doesn't!

KRYCEK: Yes, it does!

MULDER: No, it doesn't!

KRYCEK: YES!!!

MULDER: NO!!!

[Krycek reaches out and grabs Mulder in a headlock.]

MULDER: YOU WIN, YOU WIN!!

[Krycek smiles smugly.]

MULDER: Anyway, you know Monica, she's not going to give you the time of day, even with the hockey gear.

KRYCEK: [Scoffs] She's just trying to play hard-to-get! You know how much she wants me and my Russian—er, Swedish—Love Gun! I'm such a sexy bitch!

MULDER: [Shrugs] Okay, Alex, whatever you say! Hey, by the way, Super Buddy, I think the aliens abducted my Lucky Charms! There's no prize in the cereal box!

[Krycek is obviously ignoring Mulder. He has picked up a pot on the stove and is fluffing his hair a bit, using the shiney copper bottom as a mirror.]

KRYCEK: (Points at himself) Yeah, who scores with all the chicks? ALEX! Can ya dig it?

MULDER: The pots and pans! Great idea, Alex! I would have never thought of that! Fish and pots! It goes together like hamburgers and cheese!

[Mulder opens the cupboard and begins picking up every pot and looking underneath for his Finding Nemo prize.]

KRYCEK: (Strikes a few poses/still using the pot as a mirror) YEAH DUDE, I ROCK! With these new threads Monica won't be able to resist me!

[We pan downward, where Mulder is still digging through the cupboard in search of his prize. He is humming Weezer's "Knock Down Drag Out".]

MULDER: TAKE NO PRISONERS! HERE! IN! THIS! KNOCK DOWN DRAG-OUT WAR! THAT WE'RE WADGING! ON! EACH! OTHER FOREVER MORE! (He pauses) Sasha, I'm running out of songs to sing, I've sung the Tigger song, the War song and that one song that you sing in the shower a lot.

[Alex's head snaps up.]

KRYCEK: You listen to me in the shower?! You prev. You're no better than Monica, trying to get in my pants all the time.

MULDER: You're the perv, Alex! You're always talking about Brad and Monica having sex!

KRYCEK: Am not!

MULDER: Are too!

KRYCEK: D2!

MULDER: See?! You even made sweet, innocent R2-D2 into a pervert!

KRYCEK: I did not! He was a perv before I said he was!

MULDER: Was not!

KRYCEK: Was too!

MULDER: Was not!

KRYCEK: Was too!

MULDER: Was not!

KRYCEK: Was too!

MULDER: NOT!!!

KRYCEK: TOO!!!

MULDER: NOT!!!

KRYCEK: Don't make me use that again. (He points at his hockey stick for emphasis.)

[Mulder pouts.]

MULDER: Fine. But I still don't get your stupid hockey idea. Are you going to take my advice and go from figure skater to hockey player? Hey! Maybe we can write a movie about that! You can be the struggling figure skater, desperate to get into the Olympics, and the only way to get in is to become a hockey player for Canada, who's team is down by one point and you come and score the winning goal! And then you're famous and have a Gold metal! We can call it "Miracle on Ice"!

KRYCEK: Mulder. That already happened. Only it was the United States team instead of Canada, and they already have a movie based on it called "Miracle on Ice". Kurt Russell is in it.

[Mulder pouts again.]

MULDER: Oh. But I still don't get the hockey idea.

KRYCEK: Monica and Dana totally dig these hockey players, right? So I'm thinking, I can make Monica and Dana crazy with my new hockey gear, and maybe that'll make Marita jealous, and she'll leave that Alfredo bastard and come back to me.

MULDER: Oohh, so this is all for Marita?

KRYCEK: Yeah. Sorta. (He looks at his watch) Well. It's late, I'm going to go to bed, catch some Z's, because it's gonna take all my energy to keep Monica busy tomorrow.

[Krycek winks; Mulder shudders.]

And with that we FADE OUT.