"Forgive Me"

A Songfic for Sméagol/Gollum, By Pippin-kun

Summary: Déagol/Sméagol version. One year after the murder, Sméagol visits his friend's grave, and by some saving grace, his true self apologizes. In first-person perspective. Bookverse

Lyrics are in these: [ ], or these: " ", if Sméagol is thinking them.

Standard Disclaimer Applies


Hello.

A whole year. I can't believe it, Déagol. You've been gone a whole year. I miss you more now than before, perhaps because I've had so much time to think over every action, every word, to see if I hurt you before, and didn't realize it. But I can't find much; I know that's not good. What did I miss?

[Can you forgive me again?

I don't know what I said]

It hurts that you're gone. But it kills me that I was the one who did it.

[But I didn't mean to hurt you]

It was my hands that wrapped around your neck, slowly squeezing tighter and tighter, until...

[I heard the words come out]

It was my voice that entered the air, so detached, full of a strange sound I couldn't place.

[I felt that I would die]

I felt so detached, Déagol, like some strange device working without a mind. I felt my lips curl into a twisted smile, then set off to bury you.

I've become more troublesome, Déagol. Not in the ways of a thief; I'm a snake now. I can hear voices calling over the crest. I think they mean to banish me.

[Then you look at me

You're not shouting anymore]


Your still face; when I sleep, if I get any sleep, that calm, still face stares back at me. I can feel the cool of death, smell the clay of the banks.

[You're silently broken]

I wonder how hard you struggled.

[I'd give anything now

to kill those words for you]


I'm torn. I can't remember anything about what I did.

The ring.

Such a beautiful thing...mine....

[Each time I said something I regreted I cried]

"I don't want to lose you."

I wonder if I spoke those words, wonder if I cried, wonder a million things. But it won't help now; you're dead.

[But somehow I knew that you would never leave me, yeah]

Remember when we were young, Déagol? Those days spent running through the small fields, dipping our toes in the Anduin? Remember the stupid promises we made?

I thought I'd keep them.

I guess not.

Are you still here, Déagol, waiting for my apology, something to make it right? Perhaps you have moved on; I wish you have. Who knows what you'll have to see me go through.

[You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry]

I am sorry. I'm rocking here, by your unknown grave, choking out sobs.

I hear my grandmother's voice as she comes over the hill. She hears these sobs, and curses me.

"Out, out, you Gollum! Cursed, lying snake!"

I'm fleeing, bidding you farewell.

[And you forgive me again]

Fleeing to the roots of the mountain, I fancy I hear your voice, whispering forgiveness.

[You're my one true friend]

"I never meant to hurt you"

Already, my memory fades.