TITLE: Duck Dodgers: Sera-phib?
AUTHOR: Andrew Joshua Talon
FANDOM: Looney Toons, Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a ½ Century
GENRE: Humor, Sci-fi action
WARNINGS: A little innuendo, a little dark humor, a tad bit of violence, ships blowing up, and bodies floating in space. How's that?
RATING: PG to PG-13
NOTES: Been a while, huh guys? Well, hopefully I can mark this as another fic successfully concluded.
SECTOR 342 – NEUTRAL SPACE - 43.9 LTYR from SOL SYSTEM
"You fool! Do you realize what that is?!" Captain Dodgers winced at the doctor's bellowing.
"Look, it was broken when I found it! It was in the auxiliary control room! I didn't know what it was, so I brought it to you! You can fix it, right?" Dr. Malcolm groaned, rubbing his forehead. The Space Cadet was currently at one of the Seraphim's control consoles, while Sara was standing at attention near the command chair, eyes closed.
"A large Martian fleet is converging on our position," the android reported. "They will enter firing range in ten minutes." Malcolm looked at Dodgers.
"Can you get back to your ship in time?" Dodgers looked over at the Cadet, who shook his head.
"N-N-Not at these ranges, s-sir," the pig replied. Malcolm cursed.
"Then we're screwed!"
"Let me guess, it has something to do with this doohickey, right?" Dodgers deadpanned.
"Yes," Malcolm seethed. "That doohickey controls the weapons systems. And it'll take an hour to put it back together into some kind of functional order!"
"Well, we don't have an hour now do we, Doctor?" Dodgers responded sarcastically. Dodgers hopped into the command chair and assumed a serious expression.
"Cadet, give me a run down on those Martian ships-What are we up against?"
"Uh, s-s-six Carapace-class h-heavy cruisers, and four d-d-d-ah, forty-eight fighters." Dodgers whistled.
"Swell… The Drake's condition?"
"The Drake has apparently expended the majority of it's ordinance," Sara supplied. "Were you recently engaged in a large-scale firefight?" Dodgers rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.
"Er, no, no… We just haven't, you know, um… Put in for resupply, eh heh…" The bridge grew dark, as a familiar voice broke over the speakers.
"Captain Dodgers… This is the Commander. You will surrender immediately, or be destroyed! You cannot escape-Our worm made sure of it," the alien chuckled darkly.
"Bookworm! I knew it! How could the Martians have found the station otherwise?" Malcolm growled. Dodgers snapped his fingers.
"Cadet, open a channel to the Martians." The Cadet did as requested, and Dodgers cleared his throat.
"This is Captain Dodgers. Broomhead, you got all your info from that little green guy?"
"Of course. Your Protectorate scientists always had bigger egos than brains," the commander replied, an obvious smirk in his voice.
"Shut the hell up you bouncy-ball wannabe!" Malcolm snarled. There was a pause.
"… Is that… Dr. Tobias Malcolm?" The crew of the Seraphim collectively blinked.
"Er…" The scientist began, before Dodgers beat him to the punch.
"Yep! It's Dr. Malcolm allright. What's it to you, Broomhead?" The Martian's voice warbled over the radio.
"Why, he is famous in the Empire! Your book signing tour was of great significance!" Dodgers frowned, as Malcolm began to sweat slightly.
"What kind of book signing was that?"
"Why, for the latest chapter in 'I, Lovebot'! The greatest romance series ever written!" Dodgers twisted around in the command chair, to a now blushing Dr. Malcolm. Sara and the Cadet also stared at him.
"Er… Um… Well… Uh…"
"You write romance novels," Dodgers stated, deadpan.
"Not just romance novels! Works of art, exploring the depths and facets of the relationships between organic and non-organic lifeforms! Er, in a tasteful way, mind you… Though I must ask you, Dr., about the scene in your last volume, the tentacles-"
"I was testing my new designs for robotic arms!" Malcolm squawked in defense. The Cadet and Dodgers shared a look, and shuddered.
The same arms that brought the pod in…?
"AUGH! MY BRAIN! IT'S MELTING!" Dodgers screamed, holding the sides of his head. Sara held a hand over his cranium, scanning.
"No, it does not seem to be," Sara expressed. She gave Malcolm a look.
"Tobias, if I may ask…"
"Maybe later, Sara… Much later… Assuming we survive this," Malcolm replied evenly. Dodgers looked at Sara, then back at the Cadet triumphantly.
"'Make my own sex toy', huh?" The duck sneered. "Yeah, sure Doc… Still… Hey, Broomhead! Did you get a copy of your book signed?"
"Sadly, no… But, since the good Love Doctor is here…" Dodgers smirked.
"I'll let you have that autograph… If you let our ships go." There was sputtering on the other end of the channel.
"Wh-Wh-What?! Are you mad? I can't do that! The Empress specifically ordered me to capture that ship! She wouldn't allow me back empty-handed!" Dodgers grinned.
"Ah, but isn't she also a fan of Dr. Malcolm?"
"Yes, but she got a signed copy already." The duck's grin grew a little wider as he gave Malcolm a look. The young human paled.
"Oh no! Uh uh! No way!"
"Tobias, are you really so selfish as to let the Protectorate's secrets fall into Martian hands in order to keep your dignity?" Sara asked, sadly. Malcolm raised up a hand… And sighed.
"Fine… I guess we don't have much choice…" Tobias strode over to Sara, embraced her, and dipped her for a deep, passionate kiss. Dodgers and the Cadet gawked.
"W-W-Wow… He r-r-really loves h-his work," the pig commented. Dodgers nodded numbly, and waited.
"…Hello? Seraphim? Do you read? It's been three minutes, are you there?" At last, Malcolm came up for air, grinning almost stupidly.
"Sorry… Had to do that… Um, anyway, Dodgers… I'm entrusting my girls to you. Take care of them till I get back, all right?" Dodgers nodded solemnly, though his eye had a glint Malcolm didn't like. Sara rose back up, also smiling.
"I'll wait for you," the android whispered, before dipping her creator for another kiss. The Cadet made a face.
"D-D-Doctor, she's like y-your daughter!"
"Guh, talk about your Oedipus complexes," Dodgers commented. The cadet frowned.
"Er, n-no sir, that's an E-E-Electra complex." Dodger snorted.
"Oedipus, Electra, it all involves a Greek tragedy and-Oh for the love of, would you two get a room?!"
SECTOR 342 – NEUTRAL SPACE - 43.9 LTYR from SOL SYSTEM
"Well Dodgers, looks like you did it again," IQ observed over the communications link. "The Seraphim is secure, and Dr. Bookworm is in custody." Dodgers nodded, leaning back in the Seraphim's control chair.
"The Martians'll have the doc back in a month or two, depending on how long his new series, 'Love of a Martian', takes to come out," the duck observed. IQ smirked.
"Something's been bothering me, Dodgers. This mission you were on the ball more than in previous ones. Why was that?" Dodgers shrugged.
"Well sir, when you've got a pretty robot ship lady to fight for, you tend to focus more." IQ nodded.
"Shame you lost the Drake during this mission, however." Dodgers nodded back solemnly.
"Shame… She was a good ship. So, the Seraphim… Can I keep her?" IQ chuckled.
"For the moment, Dodgers, she's all yours. IQ out." With that, the channel closed, as the EYS Cadet stared at Dodgers from his console.
"Uh, C-Captain Dodgers?"
"The D-Drake isn't d-d-d-aw, in pieces sir." Dodgers smirked, and turned to Sara standing next to the command chair.
"Dollface, if you please…?" Sara shrugged, as the Seraphim's main battery fired. The Drake exploded from a single salvo, scattered into space debris. The captain grinned.
"Now it is…"
"S-So this is w-why you had me do in-in-in, aw, menial labor," the Cadet sighed. Dodgers held up his hands.
"Hey! I got all your stuff too! And besides," Dodgers sighed happily, "you can't beat this ship for comfort." The Cadet frowned… Before shrugging and shaking his head.
"You're a bad i-i-influence, Captain Dodgers. Th-Th-That made sense to me."
"Eh, what can I say Cadet, I have that effect on people. Sara! Take us to the nearest testing range! I want to blow more stuff up!"
Sara shrugged, looking at some unseen audience.
"Eh, it's a living."
Th-Th-That's All, Folks!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Well, what can I say. I wanted a twisted ending that was like the series. Hope it wasn't too disappointing. R&R!