Friday, the end of the week. Is it also the end for Daniel Jackson?
See previous chapter for details Authors Note: Hiyo, campers. I'm back to school, with work to do...so, of course, I'll be writing plenty of stories to help entertain everyone. Enjoy.

Friday

0:00 What...the...HELL?! I must be seeing things, because I could swear I was just looking at ME. Okay, I'll close my eyes and, when I open them, my body will not be parading around before me (which it has absolutely NO business doing in the first place). That's it, just close my eyes and-damn, forget I didn't have eyelids.
0:01 Boy, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, THIS has to happen. Wonder what this means anyways? Did those replicators copy my consciousness into this new form? Oh no, please say it's not that, puh-leeeeezze say otherwise...oh great...person who says so...in these matters.
0:02 Huh, what are they doing? Hey, stop pointing at me! That includes you, me. I mean, you...who is me. Not me, really, since I'm me, but...or are you me too? Oh great, now I have a headache...which seems rather strange considering I don't even have a head in this form. Hey, I told you, stop the pointing!
0:03 No, don't leave. I'll be left here alone in a big plastic box with nothing to do, not even a wheel to run in. The only person I'll have to glare at is nameless SF #54 over there, and glaring doesn't do anything to them. Please, Sam, PLEASE come back! My coffee is yours for a month, no, THREE months, if you come baaaack and she's gone. Ditto for Janet and the rest and the other me. Great.
4:41 Very bored. Extraordinarily bored. Supremely bored. Jack-like bored. That's how bored I am. With only 2.38146912 cubic feet to move around in, you'd be bored too. The fact that I am, somehow, able to do incredible things with numbers in my head (so to speak) has not alleviated this problem thus far. Believe me, when your mind is a super-efficient network of highly advanced mechanical design, you're able to count things very quickly. So, naturally, I now know everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, about this room number wise. Roughly 814.326 cubic feet, 112 square tiles on the floors, each 6.428 inches wide, ambient temperature 28.62459 degrees Celcius, that sort of thing. If I ever have to do my taxes or anything involving numbers again myself, I will go insane.
5:22 Boredom reaches unmanageable point. I start tapping on the glass box. Tune comes to mind. Begin tune-tapping-on-box.
5:23 I find I enjoy tune-tapping. Thinking of doing Beethovens 5th on uber-dense plastic container. Don't see any reason not to.
5:28 Big dumb SF gives me reason not to; i.e. he points his big gun at me. I cease tune-tapping.
5:32 Have commenced thoughts of murdering SF for eliminating only recourse to preserve sanity. Considering this through application of replicator acid to various parts of body. Thoughts prove amusing. I zone out.
6:52 Quickly zone back in from pleasant day-dream about maiming annoying SF when Sam walks in. Does the woman not sleep at all?
6:53 As Sam is looking at data sensor thingies are saying about me, I get an idea. Thank God one of the languages I know is Morse code. Hey, if Jack can claim it as one, so can I!
6:54 I think she's getting the message. Yes, she's interested and walking this way! Haha, I'm a genius...sort of. Actually, now that I think of it, even Teal'c probably knows how to do an SOS in Morse code by now. Ah well, begin new phase of message.
6:56 Message complete. Sam looking at me weird. She understood it, right? Of all the ironies in the world, for her, a mathematical genius, to not know Morse code-
6:57 What's she doing? What? A pencil and paper? Sam, I'm an iron spider, not the iron monkey; kinda lacking in the opposable thumbs category at the second, so you can-oh, you're writing messages for me. Okay, now that makes sense, I guess.
6:58 'Can-I-understand-what-you've-written-here?' What's Morse code for 'Duh'?
6:59 Very surprised look on Sams face now. Good, I got through to her. Oh, more writing. 'What-do-I-want?' Oh boy, here goes.
7:06 Never seen Sam in 'totally shocked' mode before. If her eyes go any wider, Janet will need to sew her eyes back in after they fall out. Yo, Sammy, wake up girl! Accentuate message with impatient tapping. Good, she gets it. All of it, I hope. Wait, what are you doing? NO, come back, come back please I need-and she's gone. Damn you, science woman, I'm a ferric bug in need of help, here!
7:09 Oh good, you're back Sam. Oh, hi Teal'c, Jack, Janet, General. Tap threat to Sam to reveal contents of her diary to Jack if she leaves again.
7:10 Hey, stop manhandling my cage! I get the point, no more tappity threats. Sheesh, never mess with that woman where thoughts of Jack are concerned.
7:12 They're talking...and talking...hey, feel free to include me here, folks. I'm only the one you're all supposed to save, anyways. By the way, I'm blaming this all on Jack. No particular reason, he just fits the role pretty well overall. I'll say it was for the bad jokes he threw at me earlier.
7:14 Well, thank you for FINALLY getting back to me. What? THINK my message to you? If this is a joke, I will spray every single one of you for it. I'm not even close to kidding at this point.
7:15 Oh, the electrode thingies on my head! Okay, NOW I get it. Okay, think, think, think electricity, electricity going out of me, electricity going out with a message to the computer it's hooked up to.
7:16 They seem rather confused. I don't blame them. I have no idea why I sent out a short clip of Jack being struck by lightning instead of a text message of what I meant to say. I DO know I enjoyed watching it, though. Hehehe, entertaining evil Jack-hurting ideas.
7:17 Fine, fine. I'll try again. Huh? My voice? What, you want to know whether replicators are tenors or sopranos? Oh, think my voice to you. Eh, sounds tricky but I'll try.
7:18 Is that what I sound like? My God, I sound like such a nancy-boy! Great, now I KNOW Janet will never go out with me. Wait, no, I didn't mean to send that thought-oh crap. Hey, she's cute when she blushes. Dammit, not again! If I ever get my body back, I will suffer a needle-ridden death when this is over, I can tell. Crap, not AGAIN!
7:19 Yes, Jack, good idea, your only one so far this whole fiasco. Let's get back on track here. Just give me a minute.
7:20 Okay, I think I can keep my thoughts from broadcasting into computer. Let's start the story.
7:53 And that's how I ended up here, as a minute metallic arachnid of replicating death. Now, if you all could please stop gaping at me and just GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE, that'd be great.
7:54 What? What do you mean, you'll need time?! No no no, I realize what you mean, but why? I don't think any of you understand my dilemma here: I'm in a plastic cage with nothing to entertain me while my body is out doing who-knows-what without my permission (for which I will punish it later on, in some way as to not hurt me when I have it back, however such a thing can be done). Listen, it's all very simple: contact Thor and tell him to get his skinny little grey ass over here pronto to get me back into my body. That's it, go do it!
7:55 Sam knows I'm right and is convincing everyone else of it as we speak. Wait, what's that about the other Daniel? Look, stop calling him me, all right? I'm me, me-me, not him, him-me, got it?
7:56 Okay, they're satisfied and going call Thor. Wait, hold on! Taping urgent message of 'Hey, I'm not through here, yet!' Thank you. Listen, why don't you guys just let me out? I'm me, I don't care about replicating. I won't draw attention either...yeah, a replicator running around loose at the SGC, unattended, sipping coffee and typing a report for new off-world artifacts onto my computer. Actually, you know what? Forget that last idea and just let me know when Thor gets here.
8:12 Sam informs me that Thor is on his way. Wonder when he'll get here-ahh, bright light!
8:13 Okay, it's official: I hate that beaming sensation. It's actually very...disconcerting when you're in a state like mine. Jack, Sam, and computer-hooked-up-to-my-'head' are present. Hiya Thor, nice to see you again. Now fix this damn problem you caused with me or I'll bite your scrawny Asgard butt.
8:14 Okay, fine, you can do a scanning thing on me first. Weird light beam coming into existence and going over me. Ooh, hey, that tickles, haha-ouch, hey watch where you're pointing that beam-whoa, wait, no, got back a inch, that felt good-yikes, what are you DOING with that thing?
8:15 I take it from the beam thingie disappearing that you're done? Oh good. Any ideas?
8:16 Of course, why didn't I think of that? We've switched bodies, me and some replicator...for some absolutely incomprehensible and totally ridiculous reason that really doesn't serve to benefit anyone in any way. Whatever, I don't care, just get me my body back.
8:17 Ooookay, apparently there are some problems. Namely the fact that, among other things, I could die trying to get back into my body. That and the Asgard will need some time to study my body and figure out how to make the transfer. Hmm, let's see, life as a replicator, or risk death to become me again? Wow, what a hard choice. So much for smart aliens. I'LL TAKE THE CHANCE, YOU GREY-SKINNED ANOREXIC HOBBITY FREAK!
8:18 Note to self: refrain from yelling obscenities at Asgard Supreme Commanders or risk being beamed back into plastic cage with stupid computer still attached to head. Fantastic.
8:31 Jack and Sam are back, along with Teal'c, who's dragging...me. Him-me, I mean. My body, okay, that's what I mean, he's got my body! It looks like Teal'c did a number on me, too. Him, I mean. Him-me, as opposed to me-me. Teal'c, you're gonna have to answer for what you did to him-me later on when I'm back in my body. My body is turned in to bright white light as Thor takes my body to his ship.
8:32 Okay, apparently Thor is gonna need a few hours to work through this thing. Probably wants to sit in his ship for a few hours and laugh his bulbous little head off at my predicament. This is the LAST time I help the Asgard like this, EVER!
11:03 Well, it hasn't been that bad, these past couple of hours. Sam brought in a TV and rigged it up so I could change the channel through the computer-that's-attached-to-my-sorta-head-through-the-wires. It's weird, I never noticed it before, but if Jack had grown his hair long and dyed it, he'd look just like MacGyver. Must remember to show this to Sam and Teal'c when I get my body back.
11:04 It's not fair, my having to live through all these fast food commercials. I've forgotten how good bad food tastes; if I had a stomach, it'd be twitching in hunger right now. Hmm, that stack of beakers looks pretty yummy. A disturbing thought, but still... Maybe I can just burn a hole through the plastic, jump on over and eat a few before-
11:05 -damnit, Thor, stop doing that! You scared the...well, you WOULD have scared the crap out of me, had this body the ability to crap. And was it really necessary to bring up the big plastic prison box, too?
11:06 Oh good, the rest of the gang is here: both me's, SG-1, and Thor, our ET fairy-godfather in the big-shiny ship. Uh, hey, people, little help here? I can't hear what's going on.
11:07 All right, that's fine, ignore me. I'm not putting up with this any longer: spray time! Ha, take THAT, stupid suffocating plastic box!
11:08 Um, seems like the acid doesn't work against the box. Didn't even scratch it, actually. And to add insult to injury, they're STILL ignoring me. That's it, CHARGE!
11:09 First things first: ooowww. But hey, the box moved! So, in order to get within hearing distance of everyone else, all I have to do is ram the top of the box facing them...47 more times and I'll sorta-roll within hearing distance of them. Easy. Okay, and CHARGE-omf!
11:15 Halfway there. I think Teal'c spared me a glance once, but they still seem deep in conversation about something. Ha, don't worry about me, I'll be there in no time! That's right, I'm coming for all of you ignoramouses.
11:16 Crap, the stupid cord connected me to the computer is taut now, so I can't go any further...unless, I was to pull the computer closer by grabbing the wires above my head and yanking on them, thus pulling them closer to me. Worth a shot.
11:17 Well, THAT got their attention. Hey, it's not MY fault the computer fell off the stand, okay? All I did was violently yank it until it crashed into the deck. Jack, again, I'm blaming all of this on you...and Thor.
11:18 Finally, out of the box. Jack's putting me on this weird Asgard pedestal thingie. My body, apparently comatose (thank you Teal'c, I owe you a concussion when this is done) is on another, larger table thing. Okay, now what?
11:19 What does that mean, 'convince it to leave me?' I can't talk to it-me because it's out like a light! When I'm 'inside'? I'm not even sure I WANT to know what-yikes!
11:20 Oooooh, head...hurts. Damnit, Thor, stop it with the flashy lights and everything. I'm tingling, all over, even my hands-wait a minute, hands! I have hands again, woohoo! And feet, beloved feet! It's my body, it's back! Yeehahahahaha!
11:21 Okay, temporary lapse of sanity has passed. Still, I've got my body back, wohoo! Yes, my body is back, my-what the hell is with the lights? And where's SG-1 and Thor? Come to think of it, where's Thors ship?
11:22 Okay, this is not good. Let's try yelling, maybe they'll hear me, wherever they are.
11:23 No luck. Well, this is great, just great. I get my body back only to be stuck in some sort of weirdly-colored, twilight-zonish place where-what was that noise? It sounded like...okay, turn around, sloooowwly, and-
11:24 Yep, it's a replicator. A big, frickin' HUGE replicator that's looking at me very intently (I can tell since I just spent over 24 hours as one). I wonder if I can outrun one that size. Time to find out, yahhhh!
11:26 Okay, I haven't heard it following me, so it must be way far behind me. Whew, okay I guess I can turn around now and-yikes! It's right here in front of me, again! I didn't even hear the damn thing move. Let's try backing away, slowly.
11:27 What the hell, that doesn't work either. Am I on some sort of invisible treadmill or something? Oh, it's because I'm not on the ground? Okay, that explains-who said that?
11:28 You heard me, where are you? I am not in the mood to be messed with, so show yourself already! ... What do you mean, you're already here? The only other thing I see is the giant replicator and-oh no. No, no no no, please tell me it's not the giant replicator talking.
11:29 Gah, I just ASKED you NOT to tell me that! ... That's okay, you're forgiven, you stupid metal gnat. ... What? You heard that? How? I didn't say anything.
11:30 Oh great, that's just great; we can hear everything the other one thinks, huh? Fantastic. Well, at least I'll know if you try to lie to me about something, then. Now, why are you here, and where is here, exactly?
11:31 We're in my head?! ... No, I know you're not speaking literally. ... We're inside my mind? Well, since it's my mind, can I at least change the scenery? Wavy purple lines against a black background is kinda creepy.
11:32 Oh, that was easy. Now, back to my question, WHY are you HERE, in my mind? Why didn't you leave? ... You wanted to learn about humanity? What for? I though replicators only consumed, killed, and, well, replicated. ... Uh-huh ... Yeah ... Right ... Listen, you could have stopped at just 'I was dispatched to obtain information on human beings,' okay?
11:33 Right, so what's it gonna take to get you to leave my mind alone with me in it? ... That's it? You just wanted to view my memories? I guess that makes sense, since it's MY mind that the memories, so they went with me when I switched bodies with you. Okay, if I show you what you want to know, will you leave? YES! Okay then, where do you want to start?
13:54 And THAT is how you eat watermelons. Okay, any type of food we haven't covered yet? We've done junk food, health food, meats, breads, fruits, nuts, veggies, and everything in between. ... No, nothing? Fine then, onto drinks.
14:41 Because you just do. ... I know it has a bad effect on you, but that's not the point. ... To get drunk, of course! ... Because neat things happen when you're drunk, okay? ... Such as? Umm, well, I once streaked across campus after a kegger a friend dragged me along to, although that wasn't really fun, now that I think of it. I really shouldn't have been engaging in such an activity when I couldn't walk straight for five feet. Rose bushes, ouch. Can we move along now? You've dawdled on alcohol enough, I think.
14:59 Okay, drinks are done. That takes care of consumables and-what? No, I am not going to cover drugs. I have very little experience in those matters, anyways ... yes, except for morphine. Yep, lots and LOTS of experience with that. Pick something else. ... I dunno, some sort activity.
15:38 It just had to choose driving, didn't it? Hmm, oh, you're viewing THIS memory now. Look, I was a student driver, all right? It's not MY fault that mailbox was sticking so far out into the road. ... No, I don't think the cat ever did recover. ... Hey, it's easy to get those pedals mixed up! ... Sure, people run into hedges like that all the times. Just ask Teal'c, he did it on his second time out. All right, you finished? Good, what next? ... Sleep? All right, but it'll be very short and boring.
15:41 I TOLD you it would be short! What...are you laughing? Great, of all the deadly iron bugs of doom that could invade my mind, I had to get the one with a sense of humor. No, it was not funny when I fell out of bed like that! ... Because that mattress was 4 feet up and it hurt. Just choose something else, okay?
19:21 I don't know HOW I know this (I'm guessing Cirdanian rythym), but it's past quarter past seven and this thing has gone through everything from camping, dancing, shooting (which it decided it really didn't like), flying (which confused it greatly), swimming (which freaked it out), reading (it got bored of that REAL fast), video games (loves those), movies, makeup (time with Cassie, that's all I'm saying; it was inevitable), roller coasters, clothes (the idea of replicators playing dress up is, for some reason, simultaneously monumentally horrifying and remarkably hilarious), puzzles, animals (which it confused with food, initially), and an aborted attempt at teaching it humor (the universe it cruel enough, in retrospect). I have NO idea what it wants next, but I CAN say it will be the LAST thing I teach it. You hear that? ... Good, now what-oh no. Absolutely not. No way in HELL! ... Yes, I want my body back. Okay, okay, fine, I'll teach you about sex.
19:22 Okay, let's start with the basics: anatomy. Okay, this is a male human being (not shown to scale). All right, note the lower portions of the anatomy and-you know what, it'd be better if I just showed you and got this over with quickly and somewhat less painlessly.
19:23 No, I don't want to start at the beginning of the memory because it was a bad one. ... It involved alcohol, all right? No, that's NOT always a good thing. Didn't you learn that from the rose bush memory? Look we're just going to skip ahead to the subject of this memory, ok?
19:26 I'm pretty sure, if replicators had jaws, this one's would be on the floor. Either that or it'd be drooling. The worst part is, Jack just up and left me there at that bar when he KNEW that woman was going to drag me home and have her way with me. And to add insult to injury, this is the first time in 3 years that I've been able to remember what came next. Yikes! I forgot she could that with her-uh, yeah, I'll be quite now.
20:57 Stupid little ferric twerp insisted on seeing my experiences with Sha're and Sarah, too. ... No, this does NOT happen between human beings all the time. ... Look, marrying someone you don't even know through the complex traditions of some aboriginal society you're temporarily visiting is NOT a common practice on Earth, okay?
21:14 It just HAD to ask for a brief lesson in porn, too, didn't it? Fortunately, I have little experience in this area. If it had asked JACK, however, this session would have lasted into next week. ... NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT! I WILL TEACH YOU NOTHING OF THE SORT!!! What makes you think I've even seen any gay porn, anyways?
21:44 Good, you're done. Now, if you'd please, GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
21:45 Wow, that was fast. Oww, head, major head ouchie. What's the noise? Eyes open-
21:46 Off all the things to wake up to, it had to be Jack doing his 'This-confuses-me-so-I'll-stare-at-it-even-more-closely-in-the-hopes-that-will-make-my-brain-understand-it' look two inches from my face. And it is NOT my fault, Jack! If you hadn't filled my entire field of vision like some freaky SGC parade float, I wouldn't have jerked awake and banged my head into yours. Where are Janet and her painkillers when I need them?
21:47 Yes, I'm okay and no, you don't need to kill the replicator. Believe it or not, I don't think that nest was really that much of a threat to us. Yes, Jack, of course I meant 'intentions to infiltrate the SGC by switching the minds of me and a replicator' aside. Sheesh. So, Thor, if you'll just beam us all down to the SGC, we can get this little metal bug home.
21:58 So, we've dialed P-something-something-triple-whatever and sent the little critter home. Strangely, I don't really feel that mad at him. My body seems well enough intact; I don't even feel the concussion Teal'c must have given my body earlier on today. The really strange thing, though, is that when the replicator left, he turned around and, I can't be positive, but I think he winked at me. Which is remarkably scary since he has no eyes with which to wink. Weird.
22:43 I've been debriefed by Hammond by now, which was a VERY lengthy debriefing. Sam wants to use the Tok'ra memory thingies we've got to go over my memories as a replicator for study. For some reason, I don't think she took me seriously when I said I'd do that when Jack wins a Nobel prize. Then again, this IS the SGC.
22:44 No, no I don't need to see Janet, I need to get some sleep. I've still got to get ready for my hearing on Monday for assaulting a postal employee with a rotary telephone. Schedule my checkup for tomorrow, please?
22:46 So, Hammond decided to let me get examined by Janet tomorrow, which is great because, with my head still pounding, there's only so much pain I can take at the moment. Maybe that's why I'm beginning to wonder if all this is real. Is it possible that the replicator seized control of my mind? Am I still on that Asgard bed thinie? Is it just letting me think I'm actually in full control of my body while no time at all passes and my mind eventually thinks I'm dead in some imagined future mission so the thing gets to stay in my head?
22:47 Ouch. SF opens door, smashes my nose. Nevermind, this is obviously the real SGC.
23:14 I cleaned up the mess the replicator made in my office, including all the candy wrappers on and around my desk (the bastard ate all my candy bars, no wonder I feel so tired), which, of course, I slipped on. Ah, it's good to be home.
23:15 Bedding down in the SGC for tonight. No point in going home (I'd probably kill myself by colliding with a rampant herd of spooked cows, the way my luck has been lately), so my couch will have to do. Yep, good stiff, ol' spring in the back secondhand mattress. Good night, cruel world, you've given me the absolute worst week of my life.
23:58 What's with the light? Who?
23:59 Then again...maybe this week wasn't all that bad. Actually, now that I think of it, the week isn't over yet. Maybe things are starting to look up. Janet sneaking in to kiss a (supposedly) unconscious me goodnight kinda supports that theory. Now I can't wait for that date with my doctor. Hello, Saturday, you're looking better already.

End

There ya go, Daniel is home again.
Calling all reviews, I repeat, reviews come home!