By Jia Z.
Fairy tales are the most extravagant form of lies. They are made to seem so perfect, and that everything has a happy ending. But everyone knows that perfection is something that does not exist in our world. Beyond, perhaps. But it does not exist with the living. After all, this is death. And it, too, is not perfect. I don't believe in fairy tales. I was never told one, and if I did, it was too long ago that I would not remember them. My tale has no happy ending. It is simply life with a cruel twist.
I don't remember when things changed so much. Perhaps, there was a time when mother and father really did love me. Maybe, when I could yet speak in proper sentences, before I told them what I could do. But it has been the way it is for so long that I can't remember when it wasn't like this. When life wasn't so painful. I was the demon they had unknowingly given birth to. Why wouldn't anyone hate this child?
I can still picture my mother's face. Well, the factor that I look a lot like her might add to that. But I remember her so clearly. The curve of her face, the complexion of her skin that was like silk, and her soft rosy lips. And her eyes…I have her eyes, the same emerald ones that stare back at me whenever I looked into the mirror. It still scars me how much I can see my mother in my own eyes. Perhaps, it's her way of cursing me, even after my death.
Father was never warm, and I never really knew him. While I regret that I never felt my mother's love, what I feel for my father is just simple distaste. Nothing more. After all, I didn't know this man well, and even though I may call him father, he is nothing to me but a stranger. A stranger who brought about my cruel fate. No, that wouldn't be right. Accusing him of it. But even still, I don't hate him. It's just simple distaste. My anger is for someone else.
Tsubaki-hime had told me she had loved a human being, and not a monster. But how can I think of him as anything but a monster? After all, he took my life away from me. He shamed me, raped me, cursed me, and ultimately brought me my death. Anyone who is human would hate him. I hate him. I do. But a part of me also thanks him. He gave me pain and my death, and in essence, I may not thank him for the pain he caused me, but I do thank him for my death, because my death has been so much more to me than my life.
I thank Muraki for killing me. I thank him for my death. I thank him because…if it weren't for the fact that he killed me, I would never have met the people here at Meifu. I would never have met such kind people. I would never have met Tsuzuki.
He means more to me than any other person in the world, living or dead. I was the broken doll whom he picked up from the gutter and fixed with his gentle hands and nurturing words. I know that a lot of people think in our "relationship", I am the one in control, always yelling and commanding him. But that's just a misconception. I would do anything and everything for him. I'm at his beg and call. He owns me, body, mind and soul. I don't think I would be able to go on without him.
But in Kyoto my image of him was shattered. He was not the smiling and idiotic person I thought he was. He was as broken and hurt as I was, maybe even more. I would have gladly gone to hell with him. And pulled him back from the grasps of a second death. The promise I made to him is eternal. In the future, whatever may happen, whether he hates me or loves me, I will remain by his side as long as he needs me.
However, how can I, a shattered person myself, repair someone as broken as Tsuzuki. He is usually the one protecting me. Now, vice versa, I find myself at a loss. You don't know how much it pains me when I feel the depth of his emotions, the void of his heart. He may put up a shield, but at night, I can feel them pour open. I want to make him happy, but I'm so frozen and broken that I may simply make it worse. But I want to be there with him, whatever happens; I want to be with him, forever.
That sounds really corny doesn't it? But it's the truth, I don't want to deny it, especially not to you. What do you think I should do?
Everything has become so confusing that sometimes I wish it were all just a stupid fairy tale. But I know that's just not true. Fairy tales don't exist, no matter how much I want them to be. I was to have a happy ending for me and Tsuzuki. I want to be loved. I want to have what I never could have in life. Is that so much to ask? Am I really that selfish?
I'm not sure anymore.
I'm not sure about a lot of things.
But…everything that's happened to be has created who I am. The good and the bad. I know what I feel for Tsuzuki is real, and I know this is the second chance I received after death to make it all right again. This is my chance to relive life. And I thank whatever force out there that lets me continue this fantasy. I hope it never ends.
I suppose that one day I'll stop wishing for a fairy tale ending. Perhaps the day I find one. But I also know that fairy tales don't exist. It doesn't matter really. After all, every fairy tale is cruel in the beginning, and always ends happily.
Perhaps that will be me. A cruel beginning…and maybe I'll find that happy ending.
They're made, fairy tales, not dreamt up. I'll make my happy ending. Even if they don't exist.
Author's Note: Okay, this is definatly one of the oddest pieces I've ever done. It's short, and kind of pointless, but I like it anyways. This came to me while I was reading "To Kill A Mocking Bird". Why it even remotely popped into my head, I dunno. But I hope you enjoyed it. It's a little Hisoka introspective, with a dash of TsuxH. Ah, yaoi...wonderful yaoi. Anyway, read and review ne?
Disclaimer: I don't own Yami no Matsuei. It is the property of the brilliant Matsushita Yoko-sensei. However, the idea of this fic does belong to me.
© Copyright 2004 by Jia Zhang.