Once it's gone

By KerrianneLupin

Chapter Four


DISCLAIMER – None of the characters belong to me

AUTHOR NOTE – Ok huge apology to everyone, I've been meaning to update for months but every time I read Sirius's chapter, I felt unhappy with it and felt the need to redo it. Hopefully this one will be enough to satisfy you, the one important thing to remember is Sirius isn't aware of his feelings fully yet which is why he's confused and his reactions are confusing it's because he doesn't know how to react to what's happening.

Anyway hope you enjoy it, this time the chapter will be up sooner, I promise.


Kaori7395 – Glad you thought the chapter was sweet, and here's the update only a few months late.

Queen Seta/Remmie the insane – Glad you liked the story and he's the update, I do like when people get excited over updates.

EizokuI know it's bizarre but for some reason I can write a nice Peter simply because I think he was fine at school, it was only when he was away from all the protection of his friends and Hogwarts that he turned evil, anyway glad you liked it.

Tanya J Potter – Hopefully the way Sirius talks about his feelings will be enough to satisfy you, I hope so anyway.

Anon – Oh yes the seeds for what he becomes are planted but he's refusing to look upon them yet, I'm glad you like Remus though, the whole world should like Remus because he's great!

LivThanks for all the compliments they certainly make me smile I think the secret is that I love this characters a lot and so I'm interested in them. Anyway hope you like this chapter and short? Are they really?

MarstriStupid commas, they are the very bane of my existence. Glad you liked the way I did Peter, he's actually been the easiest one to portray on this fic, it was this chapter which caused me the problems and I don't even think I got it right oh well better than nothing.

Mariana 1 – Yeah my poor Remus you just want to gather him up and hug him so tightly. Glad you liked Peter, it's amazing how many people were impressed with him, a shocking thing to say considering it's Peter

LilaStarA happy dance for my story? I feel honoured I love happy dances.

SinaYou'll have to wait till you find out what's wrong with Remus but it turned out that I did need longer than a week, I needed 6 months… Sorry.

AffectedMangoONo not at school, Remus had their trust at school but I'm also not one of these people who believe that he was evil at school and did nothing. He was a Marauder after all and there has to be a reason for that. Glad you liked the way I did him though

Amber eyed wolf – Never fear, Siri's here

Tsuki no lomelinde – Glad you liked the story so much; hopefully you'll like this chapter just as much.

AKANinaBlackGlad you liked it and don't worry I have every intention of keeping it up.

Write more – Well I finally did write more

Titou.moonyWell the rest isn't written but I know what's happening in the next chapter if that's any conciliation.

ChichixI have to be honest and say that your reviews terrify me but in a good way. Hopefully you'll like this one and if not then I'll just have to try better in the next chapter.

Verg Lupin – If you knew how much I love Lupin then you wouldn't be asking that question, anyway I'm glad you liked the story.

DadaiiroWell if you find out why then maybe you could tell Sirius because he's a very confused boy I'm glad you find the story interesting anyway. Everything will be revealed in time.

Xandria Nirvana – Here it is, just like you wanted

NonameI'm afraid you'll have to wait and see what happens to Remmie but here's the next chapter like you wanted.

Romulas901 – You should feel very pleased with yourself because you kick started me into writing this, I had no idea it had been so long till you mentioned it so thanks. Glad you like the story

Sirius's Point of view.

"Bloody hell, who the hell would have thought that someone with a build like Madame Promphey could move as quick as that, she must have been a runner or something when she was younger" I turned from the closed door of the infirmary, which had just firmly been slammed in my face, to see James staring at it as well with a half awed, half amazed look on his face. A glance at Peter saw him looking extremely pissed off though ever it was at me or Madame Promphey I wasn't exactly sure.

Ok what exactly could I say to them? I just don't react that well under pressure, I know I should and on occasions I have done, especially when it comes to lying under pressure, I can have a story explaining everything in two seconds, but what's more impressive is the fact that it's believable as well. I have a flaw though and that's my friends. If anything happens to them then I fall to pieces, they don't know I do because I'm a very good actor and I hide behind my jokes but yesterday…

I looked up to see Peter looking at me with a scornful look while James was giving me a look that was blatantly trying not to look worried. I could tell they both thought I was being selfish and I suppose in a way I was, after all they were both worried enough about Remus without feeling like they had to take care of me as well. After all I'm Sirius Black; I don't need anyone to take of me, I do a good enough job of that myself.

"Let's go to the common room, there's no point waiting here I guess she won't let us in today, we'll just have to sneak in later when she feels more at ease." I said my voice sounding more confident then it had done for the past two days, not because I was feeling any better, I still felt like shit but I had a reputation that was at stake and it would take a hell of a lot to make me forget that.

I saw James's expression drop into a look of relief and Peter's scornful look disappearing into that blank one he's been using a lot, either way I had seen his former look and I wasn't about to forget it in a hurry and I was pretty sure by the time I was through with him, that he wouldn't either.

I joined into the conversation on the way to the common room though I couldn't tell you what it was about; the only thing I could think about was Remus. The way he had looked when he had collapsed. It was so strange and so fucking freakish. He had looked like a helpless child and trust me, the one thing you learn about Remus is the fact that he is not helpless and he is older than he should be, there's nothing child like about him except for the occasional outbreak, snow can make him childlike and sometimes Lily can but I can't and that pisses me off, why should Lily be able to make him have a reaction and I can't. I'm more of his friend then she is after all.

I shook my head, then there had been the blood of course, I had seen Remus bleed on several occasions before so it's not as if it's the first time I had, the difference was that the other times has been after his transformations, this had been in lesson in full day light and he had just collapsed like a puppet, all I could do was stare at him. It felt as if it wasn't even Remus on the floor, it couldn't be my Remus on the floor, he was far too strong to look like he did, but it was him and he really did look like he was dying and for the first time I actually realised that Remus could die and that terrified me more than anything had done before.

I know it's weird but there's a part of me which thought that apart from his obvious problem, there was nothing that Remus could do wrong, he was the good one out of us, the conscience of the group if you want to put it another way. He liked having fun as much as the rest of us did but the difference was he knew when to stop, he knew when we had gone too far and he always let us know when we had as well; not in public but in private and you know what? It always works. I can't stand the thought of Remus being annoyed with me and normally I would do anything to stop him being like that. Even if it meant giving up my fun.

I suppose that's why it hurt so much when he didn't recognise me, when I saw the look in his eyes, a look that said that all the memories we shared meant nothing to him, that moment made my heart break. I never wanted to see that look in his eyes again, at least not directed at me.

Now I was alone again and Remus was stuck in the hospital wing alone, he shouldn't be alone he's been alone to often in his life, right now he needed his friends around him and I needed to be around him, just to double check within my own mind that he was alright, that he did know who I was, that I did mean as much to him as he did to me.

James may have been my best friend but Remus was my secret keeper, I told him things that I hadn't told anyone before but then again he made it so easy because he always looked as if he cared and he repaid the favour by telling me things which I knew the others didn't know. It made me feel special I guess, I was meant to be around Remus and Remus was meant to be around me. It's just the way it is.

"How is he then? Is he any better? Did the nurse say anything about what's wrong with him?" I blinked at the person who had spoken loudly enough to drag me out of my thoughts and into the present before frowning. Of course it had to be Lily Evans. I never minded her before but a while ago Remus told me that he had a soft spot for her and since then I hated her, I don't know why but I know I do. She's so annoying, so bloody perfect and she probably thinks she perfect for Remus, but I know Remus better than her and I know for a fact that she wouldn't be good enough for him, not many people would.

"The same" James remarked, we walked over to our usual seat and I watched with disinterest as some first years dived out of the seats leaving them open to us, normally I would have made a comment but somehow it didn't seem worth it if Remus wasn't there to give me the usual amused smile he gave me when I commented on it. Lily followed us and sat down

"Did you give him my card?" she asked looking uncomfortable, she obviously felt nervous without Remus being there, a smile came over my face. Good let her feel bad

"He didn't say anything about it," I spoke up feeling spiteful "I guess he didn't want to be rude about it, you know what Remus is like, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" I saw James and Peter look at me with shock but I didn't care. The only thing I cared about right now was in the hospital wing and some know it all bitch had dragged me away from him. I knew I shouldn't be so angry about it but I couldn't help it, I just wanted Remus to be seated opposite me, not bloody Lily Evans.

"That's not true," Peter quickly said trying to make up for my comment "He looked really pleased with it Lily he just…" he trailed off and I closed my eyes sharply as I saw a vision of Remus on the bed looking like death warmed up, I felt my hands make their way into fist as I began shaking slightly. Remus needed me and I was stuck here, it wasn't right.

"Peter's right," I heard James say "Remus wasn't really able to say much at all" I opened my eyes to see Lily giving me a confused look that was mingled in with a knowing look. For an instant I froze beneath it then I sneered at her, opening my mouth to say something when the bell went.

"Give him my best" Lily said, turning her gaze to James and Peter who nodded

"We will do" James replied rising to his feet as well, she nodded and glanced once more at me with that annoying look then walked away

"Good riddance" I said loudly, loudly enough for her to hear me. Just who the hell did she think she was?

"You know what Sirius," James said turning to me and looking angry "You should bloody stay here and stop acting like a fucking wanker. I don't think you should come to lessons, you'll only cause problems" I looked at him and saw the anger drain out of him making him look tired.

"Your right," I said, "You go and I'll stay here, I didn't sleep last night so I'm tired, probably why I'm being such a tosser today" I lied, Peter smiled at me

"We'll get you notes and make your excuses" he said getting to his feet, he glanced at James who nodded at him and the two of them turned and left the common room. I looked around me before getting to my feet and dragging myself to my room. Once in there and once the door was closed behind I glanced around before grabbing the nearest thing and throwing it, the fact that it was a chair and that one of the legs broke off didn't bother me. I sank to the floor by the door and stared ahead. This couldn't be happening, Remus couldn't be ill, he had to get better, and he just had to because there was still so much I wanted to tell him. The only thing I knew was that if Remus wasn't in my life then my life simply would not be worth living.

A/N – There you go, I think it slightly different from the other chapters but hopefully you like it, as I said before I've had a great deal of trouble getting Sirius to open up to me but I hope I did a good enough job. Poor thing he isn't half confused.

Anyway please review but not flames and I promise I'll update sooner this time. Thanks xxx