I became the wind
Warnings/notes : Yami, Yugi, Anzu, Yugi/Anzu, slight AU, shifts in focus.
Disclaimer : I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. The song 'Sora ni naretara' is taken from the anime Weiss Kreuz, translated by Rhole at animelyrics.com.
written at 20th march 2004, by Misura. For Kaira-chan, in apology.
//Listen to the melody of the wind.
Now, I have just remembered love.//[Yami]
He misses her.
I can sense it in the way his gaze keeps lingering on her empty desk, the way he keeps walking past her house, as if expecting her to come out to walk to school with him.
He misses her, is hurting in her absence.
And there's nothing I can do. I can protect him against the darkness of the night, hold him when he wakes up from a nightmare, gently rocking him until he has fallen asleep again.
But even I can't mend a broken heart. No matter how much I want to, I will never be enough for him. He will never need me the way he needs her.
//In that far off city,
I'm waiting for you to return to me.//[Anzu]
The nightsky is lovely in Los Angeles, filled with lights in all kinds of colors, twinkling in the dark like stars that have descended to the earth.
Los Angeles ... the city of angels. I have grown to love this place, even if it's not the same as Domino. I guess no place will ever be able to compare to that.
I have met new people here, new friends, yet none of them can make me forget about those I left behind. Funny, how I sometimes even miss Jounouchi's silly pranks, how I turn a corner and almost expect to see all of them standing there, waiting for me.
Jounouchi, Honda, Bakura ... they were all dear to me, in different ways, for different reasons. I wonder if they'll have changed when I return. If I return.
//Turning back to see
That no one's there on the road uphill,//[Yugi]
Yami worries about me. He makes me feel guilty. What a baby he must think me to be, to still need him to comfort me after a bad dream, to miss Anzu so terribly, even if she's been gone for three months now, off to a far-away country.
I'm sure she has made lots of new friends already. Perhaps she's already forgotten all about me, doesn't even *want* to come back anymore.
In the letters that she has written me - twelve so far - she sounds very happy. Los Angeles sounds like a paradise on earth, with lots of dance-studios and friendly people walking the streets.
She did write she misses me, but is that really true? Or does she just say that not to make me feel too bad, because she's feeling sorry for me?
//You've finally realized
I want to become the wind.//[Yami]
The others seem to think it's best not to mention Anzu's name around Yugi, as if they can chase the shadows of sadness in his eyes by denying their existence and ignoring their cause. Or perhaps they too miss her friendly smile and cheerful laugh.
I should remember what it is to lose dear ones, how to deal with losses. But I don't. I can't even remember my own name. All I am is some disembodied spirit, invisible to all eyes save Yugi's.
Maybe I should ask someone for advice, someone more knowledgeable than I am in these matters. I am not too proud to do so, not when it's about something as important as this.
Unfortunately, the best person to ask for help is miles away from here.
//No matter what clouds may be,
I will embrace it//[Anzu]
I tried to stay in touch with them, all of them. When I arrived here, I was determined not to let what we had built up over the years go to waste just because I didn't live in Domino anymore.
Jounouchi surprised me by being the first to write me. A long letter it was too, with news about Shizuka and the new cards he had bought. I wasn't surprised to hear him still complaining about Honda and Otogi following his sister around. I don't think he'll ever find anyone good enough to be her boyfriend.
I'm sure that once she's set her heart on someone, Shizuka won't let anyone stand between her and her intended. If Jounouchi thinks he can run her life for her, he's in for a nasty surprise.
Still, he only does it because he cares about her.
//Let's become the wind
I wish I could see her again. Just once, if that's all I can get. To say goodbye.
When she left, we all went to wave her farewell. The airport was crowded, filled with people to do the same to other loved ones. Others were there to welcome someone back, with flowers and a happy smile on their faces. I envied them that day.
There was no real opportunity to say goodbye though. Not really. Not the way I'd have liked to. Selfish as it is, I'd have liked to say it to her in private, without anyone else around.
Except Yami, of course. Yami is always there, always with me. *He* at least will never leave me.
//Just the two of us
Perhaps a part of me was happy when she told us she was going away. I can't deny that I'm not as perfect and flawless by far as Yugi seems to think me to be. The way he relies on me sometimes scares me. The image he has created of me is too virtuous, too good to be real. Impossible to live up to.
I too can fall prey to such petty emotions as jealousy. She has got so many things I don't! I couldn't believe it at first, couldn't understand why she'd throw Yugi's love back in his face to leave.
He never confessed his feelings to her. There was nothing to bind her to him, nothing to keep her from leaving except the ties of friendship. I have no right to blame her for anything, if I'm fair.
If anyone is to blame, it's me. Knowing how shy Yugi was, knowing how he felt about her, I still didn't do a single thing to help him along, a small shove in the right direction.
//You protected my dream, and were just
an average strong person seeing me off.//[Anzu]
When I close my eyes, I can still see their faces as they waved me goodbye. It's strange, isn't it? We have been through so much together, and yet my clearest memory is of our farewell.
There are days at which my dearest wish is to pack my bags and go back.
Would they welcome me? Would I just be able to fit back in, as if I have never been gone for these past three months that seemed so much longer? Or would things have changed?
I guess I will never know what might have been. In time, probably the letters will become less and less until one day, they barely remember me anymore. And perhaps I will find myself having forgotten them as well, reading back an old letter of Yugi's in which he tells me how nothing is the same without me around.
Maybe it's better that way.
//Now, the goodbye voice
Has become lost.//[Yugi]
Sometimes I am tempted to write to her, asking her to come back. For me. It's a selfish thing to want. Yami would be disappointed in me if he knew. He is so much more stronger than I am. He has lost his entire life, all his memories. Yet he never complains.
He tells me all he wishes is for me to be happy and to protect me against everything that threatens me and mine. Like Anzu, he places other people's happiness before his own. They are really very much alike.
I wonder if he too misses her. He doesn't talk about her very often, only when I bring up the subject or when I'm writing to her. But that doesn't mean anything. Jounouchi and Honda don't talk about her at all, but I know they miss her just the same. It's in their eyes.
Yami's feelings are much less easy to read. In spite of being my other half, at times he is still as much of a mystery to me as he was when we first met.
//We're headed towards the rainbow,
But there's nowhere to cross it.//[Yami]
Is it too late to change things? Have I by my lack of action destroyed the life of the person I have sworn to keep safe from all harm and pain?
I can feel him looking at me sometimes, his eyes searching my face as if looking for something, some sort of emotion. I don't know which one, or if he ever finds it. At least he still wears the Puzzle.
His trust in me only adds to my doubts and sense of guilt though.
For it is misplaced. I have failed him and he is too gentle to blame me for it.
//That moment's twilight and that day's scent
Are always the same.//[Anzu]
As the sun sets and the heavens are painted in purple and red, I think of him, Yugi, again. And that other, the Spirit of the Puzzle. Together, the two of them could face anything.
They are closer than me and Yugi ever were, ever could have been. Even if I had remained in Domino and found the words to tell him ... a part of him could never be mine.
It's all right, really. I didn't mind sharing his friendship with Jounouchi and Honda. I shouldn't mind sharing his love either. If he even feels that way about me.
I never had the courage to ask. It's too late now anyway. What would be the use of writing it to him, that some foolish girl on the other end of the world has been in love with him from the first day she met him?
//I will become the sky,
No matter what past is concerned.//[Yugi]
It's a strange thought, to think that somewhere, elsewhere, Anzu isn't watching the same sunset. While it's day here, over there it's night. Or perhaps it is the other way around, I can't remember.
She will see the same stars at night though. Their light will shine down on her as well as me, a sign of hope in the darkness.
I would like to think they promise me a reunion, that one day the two of us will meet again. Or maybe ... the three of us? I can't imagine living without Yami.
Living without Anzu is hard, yet living without Yami is something I can't even imagine. Which is kind of strange I suppose, since I have known him much shorter than Anzu.
Yugi and me are not the same person. Over time, we have both become quite aware of that. We are different in our opinions and feelings, though we have always been able to come to an agreement in our decisions. To the outside-world, except for our closest friends, we are one.
They only see that one person, walking down the corridors of the airport with two suitcases, of which the size indicates a long trip. Jounouchi would have offered to help. In fact, I am rather sure Jounouchi would have *insisted* to help. But Jounouchi isn't here.
Tomorrow morning, Yugi's grandfather will tell him and the others the news, give them the letters Yugi has written for each of them. There's even a short note to Kaiba.
//To where you are
My hand trembles slightly as I accept the ticket from the woman behind the desk. The weight of the Puzzle seems to lie heavily on my chest, even if it was Yami who proposed this, Yami who gave me the courage to take the first step and Yami who is even now standing at my side, silently offering his support.
I am ashamed of my weakness. Three months ago, I lacked the courage to speak my heart to Anzu, a mistake which I hope to correct by what I'm going to do now.
Yet once again I haven't been as strong as I should have been. I wasn't brave enough to call Jounouchi myself, to tell him I wouldn't be there to help him fine-tuning his deck with the cards from the new set of Duel Monsters. I wrote him a note.
/Stop fretting so much, Yugi. Just focus on taking one step at a time./
Ah, Yami, what would I do without him?
//In that far off city,
I'm waiting for you to return to me.//[Anzu]
Once again, the sun sets.
Once again, the sky turns purple and red.
So why do I feel like something is different, like something will change when the light of tomorrow's new morning will arrive?