You thought I was dead, huh? I'm hanging my head in shame because I haven't updated in so long. It's work. But tonight I didn't feeling like going out, so I had a glass of wine, or many glasses of wine, and wrote a Harry/Draco slash parody. I should add that I had to go read some Harry/Draco slash because if I ever read slash it's Sirius/Remus. I found several gems and this is a combination of those, and one of the authors added that she is "bad at summerys" (I am so not making that up, that's how she spelled it!)
Chapter 16, or "What a Coincidence, I'm Gay Too!"
Starring Harry, Draco, and Draco's Hair
On September 1st of his sixth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Harry Potter woke up with a surprising realization.
"Hey!" exclaimed Harry. "I think I'm gay!" He thought about it for a moment. "Yep, I like boys."
Then he remembered that he was supposed to be overwhelmed with teenage angst. Just in case the readers have forgotten, his family hated him, and so he spent the entire summer locked in his room secretly mourning for Sirius. Oh yeah, and working out, so he was really hot and built now. Oh yeah, and he got all his clothes from The Gap and FCUK now. Really tight clothes, to show off all the muscles. But mostly he was just brooding and depressed.
And many miles away from Harry in a Very Very Evil house (or maybe not that evil and just really abused and misunderstood, the poor little dear), Draco Malfoy also woke up for his first day of sixth year with a surprising realization.
"Hey!" exclaimed Draco. "I think I'm gay!" He thought about it for a moment. "Yep, I like boys."
He wasn't the least bit surprised or worried by this realization, because the Malfoys really seem like the kind of family who would be totally accepting of homosexuality (snort). Draco had spent the summer being abused, because fangirls want him to have a reason to be a bastard, but he had also worked out too. And he had really great blond hair. It wasn't slicked back anymore and it was kind of long but in a really sexy and not effeminate way. It was really shiny, he must use a really expensive shampoo or something.
And then, amazingly, the scene changes to Platform 9 3/4, where everyone is arriving to get on the train to school. Harry is very happy to see Ron and Hermione, who are dating now and he doesn't even notice that Hermione has had her hair straightened and has "developed" because he only has eyes for one person. One person with lovely golden shining hair that shone like gold. Yes, he's always secretly loved Draco Malfoy even though he only realized he was gay that morning. But he wasn't ready to tell Ron and Hermione about being gay yet. Besides, they were too busy snogging for him to get a word in.
"It's really great to see you Harry, but Hermione and I are going to go into another train compartment and snog/shag so we can leave you alone to do some soulful brooding" said Ron.
"Okay," agreed Harry, as Draco arrived.
Oh, there's Potter, thought Draco in italics, I totally hate him, but wow does he look hot! Whoa, did I just think Potter was hot? What's wrong with me, and why am I boring the reader with this appallingly stupid internal monologue?
Coincidentally, he gets on the train and happens onto the same compartment where Harry was gazing out the window and being attractively depressed.
"Oh, it's you Potter."
Harry looks up from his soulful brooding. "Leave me alone Malfoy."
But he can't help thinking how hot Draco looks with his golden blond hair that shone like the palest golden sunlight. Wow, he looks really hot this year, thought Harry. He must have been working out, or maybe he's a veela. I can't believe I've been in love with him since first year and I never realized it. That's how the author will explain the fact that Draco and I hate each other in canon.
Draco is secretly heartbroken, but he sneers at Harry and leaves, tossing his elegant pale hair.
The next day when classes began, Draco and Harry oddly enough now had every class together, despite the fact that they're in different houses. While they were at breakfast, Harry could not help turning around and looking at Draco, and every time he did he found Draco looking at him as well.
"Why does that git Malfoy keep looking over here?" asked Ron, who was taking a brief break from snogging Hermione.
"He's not a git!" exclaimed Harry irrationally, and then realized Ron and Hermione were staring at him. "I mean, maybe he's just misunderstood. Besides, he's really hot..." Then he remembers they don't know he's gay yet. Luckily, they started snogging again so they didn't hear him.
Wow, why am I sticking up for Malfoy, Harry wonders as they go to potions. In potions, he is conveniently paired with Draco and even though they spend the lesson insulting each other, their conversations are laced with sexual tension.
Finally, no longer able to handle it, they lunge at each other. Of course, Snape thinks they're fighting and pulls them apart, giving them both detention.
Later that evening, Harry arrives for detention to find Snape coincidentally absent. Harry is waiting, in the romantic light of simmering cauldrons, when he hears "Hello Potter" in a low seductive voice. He turned to see Draco standing in the doorway, his lovely platinum hair shining in the light from the torches.
"Hello Draco, I've been waiting for you" replies Harry, in a low, seductive voice, wondering why they are suddenly talking like a bad porn movie.
"Well, since no one else is here, I feel like I should tell you Potter." Draco brushes back his lovely silver hair. "I love you! Oh yeah, and I'm gay."
"Oh Draco, I've waited so long to hear you say those words. Since, like, yesterday morning!" gasps Harry, running his hands through Draco's shining, shimmering hair that shone like something I can't think of because I've run out of precious metals.
"Oh my Darling, let us go and find a conveniently placed broom closet!"
Although they try to keep their love a secret, their friends realize that they are not nearly as brooding and tortured now that they're getting action, and finally Ron and Hermione emerge from snogging long enough to have a deep talk with Harry where they are completely accepting of his lifestyle choices despite the fact that they have hated Malfoy and he has treated them horribly for six years.
Then, one day, Harry pulls Draco aside as they are going to class.
"Drakkie-poo, I have to tell you something." He says nervously. "Because the teenage writer does not seem to know the basic rules of anatomy and biology….I'm pregnant!"
And that, my friends, is another parody….