AN: I own nothing and no one portrayed here, with the exceptions of "Cooking With Clarice" and Kitty's chickens. This fic was in response to Fissie's fiction challenge at RPG X-men Evolution

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Call me Emeril.

Yeah, like I wish. I don't understand why people start double-checking their life insurance when I enter the kitchen. I admit I'm not the greatest cook in the world, but I haven't killed anyone.

Bobby, no comments about last Sunday's salmon, PLEASE!

Can I help it if my asparagus and cream cheese pizza didn't go over very well? Some people just have no appreciation for creativity. A month ago was the worst though.

As part of this whole "let's make humans see that they don't have to be afraid of us" initiative, Professor Xavier picked two of us from the Institute to appear on this local TV show, "Cooking With Clarice". We were to help Clarice prepare a couple of our favorite dishes. I guess he wanted to like show everyone that us mutants were just like everyone else, liking the same things, etc.

As luck would have it, Rogue and I were picked to appear on the show. I thought it was cool; she like so needs to get out more, and maybe this would have helped loosen her up a bit. I couldn't make out everything she was grumbling as we made our way to the studio, but I don't think some of it was physically possible.

Everything was going great to start out with. We both looked good; I was wearing the new cherry-blossom perfumed lipstick that Mr. McCoy had developed for me. He's working on a line of cosmetics specifically marketed towards mutant girls. He wouldn't tell me everything that was in it, but what he did mention sounded really scientific. Chemical X? Wow. It really looked and smelled good though.

Rogue had persuaded me to cook chicken and dumplings; she figured it was something I couldn't mutilate too badly (her words). She was chopping up the vegetables while the chicken was cooking in the pressure cooker and I was mixing the dumplings. I wasn't sure about the yeast (a true cook doesn't use a recipe book) so I added a little more to the mix. I added the dumplings to the cooker not noticing that my new lipstick had fallen out of my pocket and into the cooker with them.

It wasn't long before all hell broke loose. The dumplings had come alive and were crawling out of the pot. The chickens had reanimated and were taking great offense to having been killed and plucked. They were picking up vegetables and chasing the crowd, who had gone ballistic by this point. Luckily for us that Rogue's stalker had followed us there and was watching us from the audience, that Cajun lackey of Magneto's. He jumped up and started knocking out the chickens with those charged cards of his. Unfortunately he wasn't in time to stop one of them from knocking Rogue unconscious with an undercooked potato.

Cursing in French, he took out the last chicken with his bo staff and threw the pressure cooker out the window to prevent the escape of the dumplings, charging it first so it would explode. I just stood there in shock as he threw Rogue over his shoulder and headed for the door. Noticing something, he stopped and picked up the tube of my lipstick off the floor from where it had fallen out of the pressure cooker. He read the label then looked at me disgustedly.

"Chere, everyone know dat yeast and Chemical X don' mix. Next time petite, read de manual."