Aragorn's Average Adventure
Disclaimer: I do not own anything pertaining to The Lord of the Rings. This fanfic was not intended to be some cruel blow against Aragorn and Legolas friendship fics, but instead an amusing break from the average one. Enjoy!
It began like any other day. Aragorn awakened slowly, savoring the sunshine that shone down on his face. He was on his first hunting trip. For some reason, his foster brothers had, for some time, refused to let him go hunting, insisting that it was too dangerous. According to them, one never knew what one would run into when one was out in the 'wilds'. Aragorn couldn't believe that there was anything dangerous about being out in the woods. It was lots of fun.
Even as he was stretching languidly and sitting up, someone jumped on him. Aragorn squeaked in alarm, tumbled over backwards, and cracked his head against a tree. The person who had so rudely brought his thoughts back to reality stood in front of him, holding two knives and looking threatening.
"Hello," said Aragorn cheerfully. Nothing could put a damper on his enthusiasm, not even the fact that he was nose to nose with a homicidal Elf.
The Elf smiled grimly and sheathed his knives. He still looked homicidal. Aragorn stood up, dusted himself off, and grinned charmingly. "How do you do?" he asked.
The Elf was not very talkative. He looked at Aragorn with large unblinking eyes.
"Um... I have important business to which I must attend," said Aragorn. "Excuse me."
He hurried off, feeling confused. What was a homicidal Elf doing in the woods so near Imladris? The only homicidal Elves Aragorn knew of were from Mirkwood
Suddenly everything made sense. Not only was Aragorn a very optimistic person, he was also rather smart. It occurred to him that the Elf must be PRINCE LEGOLAS. Prince Legolas was supposed to hate humans and fear other Elves. The last thing Aragorn had heard about this famous Elf-prince was that Legolas had been abused by his father, abused by his brothers, abused by nasty men, accused of murder, and banished from his home. Tough.
Aragorn was glad to be alive, but the thought of a homicidal Elf-prince wandering around the peaceful woods near Imladris made him nervous. Perhaps this was what his brothers had warned him of.
Just as Aragorn was feeling happy again, he tripped on a tree root and fell over a cliff. When he regained consciousness, he saw the Elf had reappeared. "Hello, Legolas," said Aragorn. "You are Legolas, right?"
The Elf nodded slowly, but maintained a stoic silence. Aragorn began to prattle. "That's nice. I've always wanted to meet you. I heard lots about you. I heard that you are a really good archer. I heard that you are the most deadly Elf in Middle-Earth. I heard that you were abused by your father, and your brothers, and by nasty men. And that you got accused of murder. And that you got banished from home. Did you really kill someone? That's cool. I always wanted to meet a murderer. I thought it would be exciting. I guess I don't get out much. It was sort of silly of me to fall over a cliff, wasn't it? But it was fun meeting you. Now I'm repeating myself. Heehee. That's weird. I almost never repeat myself. You must be influencing me... You are Legolas, right?"
Aragorn was sure he'd seen Legolas roll his eyes. No, it was probably just a shadow.
Suddenly a warg jumped on Aragorn.
For a moment, Legolas seemed to be wondering whether he should let it eat Aragorn or not. Then he shot it. Aragorn stopped screaming and sat up, blinking.
"You saved my life! You're my hero!" Aragorn cried. He leapt to his feet, grabbed Legolas's hand and pumped it up and down enthusiastically. "Wow! That was a great shot! You have my undying admiration!"
Legolas retrieved his hand. He was about to say something scathing when a horde of orcs raced through the trees. Aragorn's jaw dropped. "Wow! Orcs so close to Imladris! This is bad!"
Legolas shot ten orcs in about five seconds. Aragorn's jaw dropped a bit lower. "Wow!" he said.
Aragorn and Legolas swiftly killed most of the orcs. During the battle, a SNEAKY UNDERHANDED orc severely wounded Legolas, using SNEAKY UNDERHANDED methods. Legolas barely flinched, but Aragorn noticed that he was going pale. "Wow! You're losing a lot of blood!" he said. "But guess what! I'm a healer! I have a handy herb with which I will save your life!"
Aragorn quickly mended Legolas's severe wound, thus saving his life.
"Thanks," said Legolas stoically. He smiled grimly.
"We should hide in a cave until all the orcs go away," said Aragorn wisely. Legolas's eyes widened in horror. His eyes were very big, very blue, and very beautiful. Unfortunately, Legolas appeared to be going into shock.
"Don't worry. Caves are safe. Very sanitary," said Aragorn, picking Legolas up. He dragged Legolas into a handy nearby cave. Legolas protested slightly, but he was too weak to commit murder. Aragorn was thankful for that.
Legolas was beginning to calm down when there was a cave-in. Aragorn handled it well. "WE'RE GOING TO DIE!" he shrieked.
Legolas pulled himself together with an effort. "I think there is a way out," he said.
Aragorn stopped panicking. "Really?" he asked perkily.
Legolas and Aragorn dragged themselves out of the cave. During their daring escape, Aragorn got clunked on the head by a falling palantír. Though slightly dazed, he still managed to stagger out, eventually collapsing on the soft moss outside the cave.
"Well, well. What have we got here?" asked someone, sounding mean.
Legolas had been grabbed by a nasty man. There were lots of nasty men. They were loitering about with little to do other than inflict nasty things on people. They grabbed Aragorn.
"What's going on?" the man asked dazedly.
Legolas looked a bit scared, but he managed a grim smile in Aragorn's direction. "Slavers," he said.
"Oh," said Aragorn. "That's odd. I didn't know there were slavers this near Imladris."
Aragorn and Legolas escaped from the slavers one hour later, after devising a cunning trap made of tree roots, a toy rabbit, and some of Legolas's hair. They sat down by a tree and looked at each other gloomily.
"Now what will we do?" asked Aragorn.
At that very moment, it began to rain. Aragorn and Legolas peered skyward. Lightning struck a nearby tree, and it fell on top of Legolas. Fortunately, Legolas was not dead. Aragorn tried to pull the tree off Legolas, but it was sort of heavy.
"I can't breathe!" gasped Legolas stoically.
Aragorn grinned charmingly. "Never fear! I will save you!" he exclaimed. Suddenly he sneezed. "Oh, great. I'm catching cold."
Legolas's eyes began to glaze over. Aragorn sneezed again. Then he created a pulley and removed the tree. Legolas lay still.
"Legolas! Speak to me!" cried Aragorn.
"How terrible!" Aragorn whimpered. "He's dying! What will I do?"
It kept on raining. Life was getting muddy. Aragorn sneezed.
Legolas was saying things. He appeared to be begging for mercy. "How awful," breathed Aragorn. "He's having nightmares. He's dreaming about his past life."
"Not the squirrels," pleaded Legolas.
Aragorn was frozen with horror. "Squirrels!" he gasped. "His father is EVIL. Imagine setting squirrels on your own dear son!"
Aragorn began to cry, since he was feeling angsty. Legolas woke up and looked at him. "Aragorn? Are you all right?"
Aragorn sneezed. "I'm fine."
Legolas smiled grimly.
Aragorn and Legolas limped happily through the woods. They were beginning to enjoy themselves when some EVIL DWARVES appeared. The Evil Dwarves attacked the two WITHOUT PROVOCATION. Legolas and Aragorn killed a couple of the Evil Dwarves and the rest ran off.
"That was unexpected," said Aragorn.
Legolas rolled his eyes again. "Yes," he said.
They walked for a few more minutes, admiring the scenery. Suddenly Aragorn paused, sniffing the air warily. "I smell smoke," he whispered.
They were in the middle of a forest fire.
"That's weird," muttered Aragorn wisely. "It just rained."
"This is not ordinary fire," said Legolas grimly. "This is fire created by the evil wizard..." –here he paused for dramatic effect– "...SARUMAN."
"You don't say," gasped Aragorn. "That's awful."
"I know," said Legolas grimly.
Aragorn and Legolas climbed up a tree. They traveled from tree to tree, ducking the flames that licked hungrily at their innocent feet. Aragorn fell out of a tree into a stream.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Legolas in horror, flipping through the air in slow motion. He caught Aragorn by the ankles while grabbing a tree branch with his toes.
Aragorn's head cracked against a rock.
"Erk," said Aragorn.
It suddenly occurred to Legolas that he would be sad if Aragorn died. "Speak to me!" he cried. "Don't die now, not after all we've been through together!"
Aragorn opened his eyes. "Who am I?" he asked. He squinted blearily at Legolas. "Are you my mother?"
Legolas smiled grimly. It was apparent that Aragorn had lost his memory. "No, I'm not your mother," he said. "I am your friend."
"I didn't know I had any friends," said Aragorn. He grinned charmingly.
Legolas helped Aragorn to his feet and they set off through the woods. Eventually they discovered a Large Sinister Town. Legolas decided that they would go into the town to get a drink. Maybe the drink would restore Aragorn's memory. However, there was a minor difficulty. Legolas knew, with his keen Elven instinct, that the people in the Large Sinister Town hated Elves. He quickly disguised himself.
Legolas slouched over and acted like a human. He was a brilliant actor. All the silly mortals were fooled by his CUNNING DISGUISE. Aragorn and Legolas hurried into the Large Sinister Town and Legolas bought two drinks with some money he happened to have in his pocket.
Though Legolas was very clever, he did not know that an Evil Man, also rather clever, had discovered his true identity. Even as Legolas was calmly drinking his drink, the Evil Man was slipping POISON into Aragorn's flagon. Aragorn was too clueless to notice.
Suddenly Legolas noticed that Aragorn was slumped over on the table. He was about to panic in his calm Elvenly way, when the Evil Man hit him on the head with a large heavy object. Legolas was out like a candle.
When Legolas woke up, he realized that he had been KIDNAPPED, an experience that could hardly be described as unfamiliar to him. Aragorn sat beside him, bound and gagged and looking inordinately cheerful.
The Evil Man's evil pastime was TORTURING UNFORTUNATE INNOCENTS. The Evil Man amused himself by torturing Legolas and Aragorn a lot. Aragorn recovered his memory. Eventually they escaped. Unfortunately, Legolas was in a terrible state of collapse.
"I will take you to Rivendell," Aragorn announced. "My foster father will heal you."
Legolas smiled grimly. He knew he was dying after being hurt so much by the Evil Man. Aragorn picked up Legolas and began carrying him to Rivendell.
After braving an avalanche, a tornado, more orcs, more nasty men, a flood, two unusually evil Elves, one poisonous caterpillar, and an oliphaunt stampede, Aragorn and Legolas stumbled into Rivendell. They were met by Glorfindel.
Glorfindel was awestruck by the shocking things that Aragorn had gone through, as well as slightly afraid of Legolas, who had gone back to looking homicidal. But eventually the timid advisor pulled himself together and went to get Lord Elrond.
Lord Elrond was also shocked and amazed. He lauded Aragorn and Legolas, calling them 'great heroes' and 'saviors of mankind', and hurried them away to the infirmary. There he drugged them with his special tea.
When Aragorn woke up, Legolas was nowhere to be seen. The man got up and went out onto the convenient balcony, and there he found Legolas being angsty.
"I am so sad," said Legolas sadly. "No one likes me. I was banished. I was accused of killing someone. I was beat up and abused by nasty men. My father is cruel to me. My brothers are cruel to me. Everyone who doesn't abuse me is afraid of me. I am injured and unhappy."
"That's all right," said Aragorn. "No one likes me either. My brothers pretend to like me, but they play nasty tricks on me. My father refuses to let me marry Arwen. People are pressuring me into being a king when I'm older, but I'm just a klutzy human. I hate myself."
Aragorn and Legolas both felt angsty.
"I'll be your friend," said Aragorn. "We'll have lots of adventures."
"That sounds fun," said Legolas stoically.
Aragorn and Legolas went back to their separate beds, where they fell into a deep and dreamless sleep. This was the result of Elrond's drugged drinks, but it would be some time before they realized this.
Aragorn woke up. It was sunny. The birds were singing. An unimportant Elf by the name of Erestor came running into the infirmary. He was in a state of nervous exhaustion.
"Mirkwood has been invaded by giant arachnids!" he cried. "Someone is trying to take over Imladris! Something is wrong with Lord Elrond! Someone discovered a weird green jewel that zaps people! Lord Denethor is killing Faramir! There is a plague in a nearby human settlement! A poisonous caterpillar has drowned in Lord Glorfindel's tea! Galadriel has turned evil! The Dark Lord is about to unleash his latest deadly weapon! The world is going to end!"
Aragorn leapt to his feet. "Legolas and I will save the day!" he cried. "We fear nothing! We will defeat this new evil!"
Erestor stared at Aragorn with admiration in his eyes.
Legolas smiled grimly.