Disclaimer: I do not own The Patriot. Or Mel Gibson. Ewe.

Author's Note: So here is my baby...refurbished and clean cut. Enjoy!

Chapter One:
Of Horsies, Yummy Tavington, and War

Enter a disgusting swamp during the French and Indian War. Death, destruction, and lots and lots of blood ensue.

We now find ourselves in the South Carolina countryside. What a transition in the last five minutes!

Post Rider: I've got a lovely bunch of envelopes and postcards, de-de-de…

Nathan: Look! A post rider!

Samuel: Huzzah!

Margaret: (squeals) A post rider!!

William: I'm going to sit here and stare at this horse as if I've never seen one before.

Benjamin: Ta! I've finished this rather dainty chair that looks as though it will not support my weight in potatoes at all! But, I'm going to risk sitting on it and curse in front of my daughter. Yes, that's the ticket!

Margaret: Father! A post rider!

Benjamin: Yes, we know that already.

Nathan, Samuel: Father, father! A post rider has mail for us!

Benjamin: Fine, now leave me to my work…


Gabriel: Oh, I'm so strong and handsome I scare myself!

Thomas: (refrains from shooting Gabriel with his musket)

Gabriel: Let us go see father now so he can praise me on my incredibly incredible good looks.

Thomas: A post rider…

Benjamin: I KNOW! Shut up, all of you!

Chair: HHhhssss….OWWW….

Benjamin: Even though I knew this would happen, I'm still going to curse my own stupidity in front of two of my seven children.


Samuel: We still haven't opened the mail. Why does this not surprise me?

Benjamin: I heard that.


Benjamin: I know.

Thomas, Gabriel: (glaring in astonishment, mouths agape)

Benjamin: Alright, open it.

Thomas: Yay! A war!

Benjamin: You can't go.

Gabriel: This one dude joined the militia.

Benjamin: So?

Gabriel: He is younger than I and also less radiant.

Benjamin: Whatever. We leave in the morning.


Children: We love Aunt Charlotte because she buys us expensive toys.

Aunt Charlotte: I'm going to bribe Susan. Maybe she'll speak and then Benji will have to notice me!

Susan: (crickets)


Gabriel: Oh, lovely.

Mr. Howard: Yarr! I'm a pirate!

Anne: No, daddy, pirates are bad luck.

Gabriel: How do you do, Ms. Howard? You may now drool over my facial features bathed in the fiery glow of the…fire.

Anne: (thwacks Gabriel over the head) You put tea in my ink!

Gabriel: You're, uh, beautiful. And it's ink in your tea

Anne: I knew that! (thwacks him again and walks away)

Gabriel: …But not too bright.


Thomas: Land ho! Err, there's Gabriel.

Gabriel: It's coming.

Thomas: War? (does a happy dance) WAR IS COMING!!


Speaker: You all are buffoons! ORDER!! Order this instant!

Lee: I am a soldier and we are at war.

Simms: Thank you, Colonel Obvious.

Lee: You are welcome.

Benjamin: I am a Patriot…

Author: Really? I thought it was about Jason Isaacs?

Benjamin: What are YOU doing here?

Author: I have the authority to be here. Are you questioning my authority, Martin?

Benjamin: No, ma'am.

Author: Good, now get on with it.

Benjamin: I hate war, even though I rather enjoy hacking people up with my trusty tomahawk.


Benjamin: What are you doing?

Gabriel: Why, I'm enlisting in the army. They need a few handsome men you know, so we can keep up with the British. They've got Tavington and he's massive competition…

Benjamin: You are skipping around the question.

Gabriel: Errr, look! Lee is streaking!

Benjamin: Where?!

Gabriel: Mwahaha!

Benjamin: Lee, please spy on my son.

Lee: Sure thing, buddy.

TWO YEARS LATER - The British have taken over Charleston!

Martin's Bedroom

Thomas: Eureka! (does warrior stance while dressed in his father's army apparel)

Benjamin: Thomas!

Thomas: Oh, Lord…

Benjamin: What are you doing?

Thomas: Looking for some underwear…

Benjamin: Take off my gear. (grabs tomahawk from him) This is not a toy. It takes a skilled, intelligent warrior man to wield this. (drops tomahawk, nearly severing his foot)


Gabriel: My delicious self has been mortally wounded and I'm coming to scare the crap out of my family and almost get myself even more killed.

Benjamin: Gabriel!

Thomas: I don't care about your condition; I just want to know if you got to kill people!

Benjamin: For the love of all that is cheese, someone get me some bandages! A first aid kit! Anything!


The Martins are taking care of wounded soldiers.

Private: Thank you, sir.

Benjamin: I know that you are mortally wounded, but there are rules in war and I happen to want to follow them. You must find help elsewhere over the rainbow.

Private: Err, sure. Let's go, boys.

The Green Dragoons come onto the scene, fully decked with weapons and fur.

Tavington: I am Colonel William Tavington. Tall, dark, deadly…

Author: Don't forget yummy!

Private: We surrender!

Tavington: I don't care. Shoot them!

Wilkins: Aye, sir.

Redcoat Lieutenant: Here it is! Here it is! (hands Tavington a dispatch case)

Tavington: Who is the owner of this muddy leathery murse?

Gabriel: Uhm. Me.

Tavington: DISRESPECT!! Hang him!

Benjamin: That's not fair!

Tavington: Who said war was fair, my beautiful man?

Thomas: Yay, I'm the stupid boy!

Tavington, Benjamin, Gabriel: What?!

Thomas, like an idiot, runs and tries to free Gabriel and then gets shot and killed by none other than Tavington.

Tavington: Stupid boy.

Author: Squee!

The Dragoons and other lackeys torch the house and other things.

Margaret: What now?

Benjamin: Revenge.

Margaret: Oh. Ok.

Benjamin: Now, I shall give my two young sons weapons of mass destruction!

Nathan, Samuel: Cool!


The attack on the Redcoats begins.

Redcoat #1: Follow my lead, you idiots!

Redcoat #2: Wha…? (gurgle, die)

Redcoat #3: I can't see – (die)

Redcoat #1: (girlish scream) ahhafscarymanwithtomahawk!!

Benjamin: That's Mr. Scary Man with Tomahawk to you! (raises tomahawk for the fatal blow)

Redcoat #1: Can't we all just get along?

Benjamin: Your leader killed my son. Let me think about it?...Uh, no! (hack, hack, splatter, splatter)

Gabriel: Father, you saved me, your chosen child! Unfortunately, there is blood covering my delicious self. I am ruined!

Benjamin: Ah, the deed is done. Too bad Nathan and Samuel are traumatized by the experience.

Nathan, Samuel: (traumatized)


Benjamin: Farewell, brethren. We are off once again, as ever, to deliver these dispatches.

Gabriel: (sigh) Aww, do I have to?

Benjamin: Yes. Suck it up, son.

Gabriel: (major pout face)

Benjamin: Susan?

Susan: (silence)

Crickets: Chirp, chirp.

Benjamin: Can you say "goodbye?"

Aunt Charlotte: I wouldn't waste my t…err…she's probably a little upset right now.

Benjamin: Fine. I see how it is.

Susan's mind: Now that my father is too far away to hear, now I shall say my farewell…through expressions!


Gabriel: LOOK, horsies!

Benjamin: They're dead, Gabriel…

Gabriel: LOOK, more gore and violence!

Benjamin: (sigh)

Gabriel: You smell that?

Benjamin: That's smoke…BREAK FOR THE TREES!

Gabriel: What an interesting smell…I don't believe I've ever smelt it before…

Benjamin: Gabriel, move you fool! (runs into the bushes)