Chapter Five:
The End is At Hand


Author: (opens bag) Hi, Tavy!

Tavington: Err…I know you.

Author: I know!

Tavington: Where am I?

Author: Away from that atrocious warfare which makes you seem so maliciously evil and takes the attention away from you…and your sensitive…sensitively delicious self…

Tavington: My what?!

Author: Nevermind it all, my dear William. (smothers him in kisses while he screams some more)

Tavington: THAT'S NOT MY NAME!!


Cornwallis: Bloody Tavington!! Since he is gone, I shall take over!


Astonishing Mess
Absolute Madness
Need I say more? Oh, there's an arm hanging from that tree…


Tavington: I must take my leave, fair maiden.

Author: :-(

Tavington: (heroic, hair blowing in some wind) My men need me…

Author: Fine. Just remember, if you try and leave the battlefield, that pocket will explode.

Tavington: (looks down at his pants) Uh…

Author: Do you really think I would do that?

Tavington: (cough) You do like it rough…

Author: Rule number one! I am not a bloodthirsty author…just one with an excessively fangirlish demeanor and an overactive imagination. Now, you are excused.

Tavington: I'll be back.

Author: (pinches a cheek)


Tavington: Ello! I'm back!

Cornwallis: Whatever. Just get your tush out there and fight!

Tavington: Green Dragoons!

Green Dragoons: Aye?

Tavington: CHARGE!!

Green Dragoons: Huh?

Tavington: Run that'a'way.

Benjamin: (gasp) Tavington! (hastily loads gun)

DeLancey: Our lines are failing, Benjamin!

Benjamin: Yeah, just lemme kill Tavington real quick…

DeLancey: But Benjamin, OUR LINES ARE FAILING!!

Benjamin: (getting upset) Then go FIX IT!

DeLancey: Fine. (turns up nose and walks away all French-like)

Benjamin: (giggles like a little girl as he aims for Tavington from several yards away)

Patriots Running Past Benjamin: RETREAT! RETREAT!

Benjamin: I hate my job! (runs after them) HOLD THE LINE!

Patriots: Are you out of your mind, man?

Benjamin: HOLD THE LINE!! HOLD THE LINE!! (grabs the flag and runs up some hill only to trip on some rocks)

DeLancey: Lovely.


Patriots: Why are you screaming?


Benjamin: Where is Tavingpuss?! (starts his madman satire again)

Tavington: Insolent farming fool!

Benjamin: Ha! (shoots…and misses)

Tavington: (looks at Benjamin and then at the hole in the ground next to him) Nice shot.

Benjamin: Shut up.

Tavington: No really, nice shot.

Benjamin: You really think so?

Tavington: Yes. Very clean and straight…

Benjamin: (lunges at Tavington and the two fight)

Author: OH NO YOU DIDN'T! (kicks Benjamin)

Benjamin: WHAT?!!

Author: NO ONE lays a hand on my Tavy!

Benjamin: B-b-but it's in the script! I kill Tavington!

Author: Well, this isn't the real script, so Tavy doesn't die, 'kay?

Benjamin: (cries; on his knees) WHHHHHYYYYY?!?!?!!

Tcheky and all the other actors and extras gather around Mel as the scene comes to a screeching halt.

Tcheky: Mel, it's not that serious. We're only actors.

Mel: Shut…Up!

Heath: Yeah, dude. Besides, he's in a better place right now.

Mel: He had better be at the Kraft table when I open my eyes again…

Heath: No, silly. He's with the Author now. She'll take good care of him.

Mel: (more crying and flailing) I WAS SUPPOSED TO KILL HIM!!