It's Not Easy Bein' Badass, or: You Thought Nagira Was Da Pimp In Da Family?

Summary: P-A-R-O-D-Y. Silly fangirls should go away and come back when they hit puberty, or grow a sense of humor.

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: I don't own Amon, I just like to make fun of him. I don't own "Secret Agent Man," either. Thanks to the UnS gang for inspiration and shitloads of fun.


The alarm went off at 4:30 AM.

Amon rolled over in bed, zebra-print silk sheets rustling over callused skin and flint-hard muscle. Slowly, he opened steely gray eyes and scowled at the opposite wall. After a moment, he pushed inky black hair out of his face, slid his feet to the floor and padded buck-naked to the bathroom, exposing toned pecs, washboard abs, and One Fine Ass in the process. (The writer refuses to speculate about other portions of Amon's anatomy at the moment, as she believes some things are more fun when left to the imagination.)

Upon entering the sleek glass-and-chrome bathroom, he turned the shower on full blast and stepped under its spray, causing the mirrored walls to steam up (those that weren't already fogged over by the heat of his Intense Masculine Presence.) The dark haired hunter reached for a bottle of Zechs Marquise's Patented Bishounen Mane Tamer and poured a small amount into one strong hand, then worked it slowly though his silky ebony locks. His lips were moving as he did so, and soon words became audible over the hiss of the water (and the heavy breathing of all the fangirls with peepholes hidden in the walls.)

"There's a man who lives a life of danger

To everyone he meets, he stays a stranger

Every move he makes

Another chance he takes

Odds are he won't life to see tomorrow.

Secret Agent Man, Secret Agent Man

They've given you a number

And taken away your name."

The dark hunter finished washing his hair and moved on to lather his torso with Dark Anime Brand Body Wash (guaranteed to keep you smelling fresh while scowling, brooding, and dueling with figures from your Mysterious and Tragic Past.) His eyes were half-lidded and his lean hips and thighs moved in time to the music …

"Beware of pretty faces that you find

A pretty face can hide an evil mind

Ah, be careful what you say

Or you'll give yourself away

Odds are you won't live to see tomorrow …"