Author's Randomness: It seems that those Marriage Law fics are becoming quite popular and everyone seems to have written one. I didn't want to be left out of the fun, so I decided to write one too! Oh, by the way, it's a parody. I'm sure that even though it's an obvious parody, people will still criticize my characterization.
This is the only Marriage Law fic complete in fewer than a thousand words.
All of the real ones that I've read are exceptionally well written (despite the similarities in plot). This is just to poke fun at them, not to censure any work or author.
I apologize for the bad formatting. I'll just put the blame on fanfiction.net (because they won't let me put in spaces where I want to).
Mudbloods, Purebloods, and a Ludicrous Law
Fudge is in a "thoughtful" mood.
Fudge: "Hmm… the war against Voldemort is over and I haven't made anybody's life miserable lately."
He ponders for a few moments about the most effective way to ruin people's lives.
Fudge: "I know! I'll make a foolish law. Oh and it'll screw over everybody—both Mudbloods and purebloods!"
The Marriage Law is put into effect. Rather than telling people his true motives for enacting such a law (to irritate people), Fudge thinks of some preposterous explanation for his silly law.
Fudge: "I'll tell them that it's for the sake of future generations! I'll make them believe that it will prevent squibs, birth defects, and other complications!"
Readers: "That's actually true, and it makes complete sense!"
Fudge: "Oh? Well, it was completely unintentional."
He decides to add in a clause that forces the unhappy couples to have intercourse as often as humanly possible.
Meanwhile, back at the Hogwarts Castle...
Severus Snape is speaking to his parents via the Floo network.
Severus: "You sent in a proposal for me to marry a Muggleborn witch?!"
Mrs. Snape: "It might be a chance for you to settle down. Thank goodness for this law; somebody might actually have to marry you."
Severus: "Dare I ask whose hand you requested?"
Mr. Snape: "Based on your love for children, I thought that it would be best if I chose the youngest wife available. Her name is Hermione Granger."
Readers: "A teacher being forced to marry a student? What a novel idea!" They leave glowing reviews praising the author's originality.
While Snape is speaking with his parents, Hermione is eating with her friends.
Hermione: "Snape is such a prat! I can't believe he took a point off my Potions essay!"
Ron: "You only missed one? I missed forty-three!"
He goes back to stuffing his face, the only thing he is good at.
Harry: "Snape's not that bad… he is a spy for the Order of the Phoenix."
Hermione: "Don't you hate him?"
Harry: "Usually. But in this story, I'm one of his best friends. Ron is the one who hates him."
Ron: "Damn Snape."
Suddenly the owl post arrives. On the top of Hermione's stack of mail is the Daily Prophet.
Hermione: "A marriage law! Oh no, it affects all Muggleborns!"
Harry: "Relax, you have ten months before you turn eighteen. You still have lots of time before you need to worry about it."
Hermione: "Actually, because of time-turner use in my third year, I'm twenty-two years old!"
Professor Vector: "Hermione, dear, didn't you learn anything in Arithmancy? There's no possible way you could have aged more than a few months because of the time-turner."
Author: "Get lost, Vector, your logic is ruining my story!"
Once it is decided (because of the author's "mathematical skills") that Hermione is indeed old enough to be covered under the Marriage Law she notices a letter addressed to her.
Hermione: "Oh no! Several people have already asked for my hand! And I only have twenty-four hours to decide!"
The list consists of Severus Snape, Draco Malfoy, a random elderly pervert, and one of the thicker Slytherin Death Eaters (Crabbe or Goyle usually).
Harry: "Why don't you just marry Ron? His dad would probably be willing to make an offer for you."
Ron is still eating like a pig. Because Ron is the author's least favorite character, she makes up some pathetic excuse to eliminate Ron from the picture.
Author: "Er, um, he's not old enough yet!"
Hermione immediately runs to Dumbledore for help.
Hermione: "What should I do?! Snape is the best out of all of them, which is not saying much. What should I do?"
Dumbledore: "It is your choice."
Hermione: "Can't I get out of it because I'm still in school?"
Hermione: "Thank you for your enlightening advice, Headmaster." She later realizes that he told her absolutely nothing of use.
Hermione decides to marry Snape.
In the time leading up to the wedding, the following events happen:
Severus has trouble coming to terms the idea of marrying a student.
Hermione feels awkward about marrying a teacher.
Ron gets mad (but still adds absolutely nothing to the plot).
Hermione's parents get mad.
Lucius Malfoy gets mad.
Harry pretends to be understanding.
Dumbledore gives out lemon drops.
The author makes some stupid joke about Hermione's love for school going too far.
Severus's parents celebrate.
Hermione reads the "sex clause" of the Marriage Law. She begins groaning to herself.
Hermione: "NOOOO!! NO! NO!"
The wedding night comes.
Hermione: "YES!!! YES! YES!"
The author spends a few chapters discussing how they fall in love. Most readers skip over all of that boring drivel to get to the sex scenes.
Eventually a child is born—a beautiful baby girl that can solve complex differential equations, do wandless magic, and is the best Seeker in Hogwarts history.
Everybody sees the redeeming qualities of the Marriage Law (except for Fudge).
Somehow they all manage to live happily ever after.