Just Like Old Times
Disclaimer: I own nothing pertaining to The Lord of the Rings.
Author's Note: I hold nothing against people who write touching, angsty, pain-filled stories. This was written for fun, not to be offensive. Just Like Old Times may also serve a sequel to The Legolas Story and Aragorn's Average Adventure.
Legolas sat in a large tree in Mirkwood, feeling strangely happy. Legolas was rarely happy; he suffered too much to ever feel truly cheery. Yet on this day, the sun shone, birds sang, and no spiders lurked nearby. Best of all, Legolas's father was elsewhere, endearing himself to the public and not clobbering his only son. At that moment, Legolas feared nothing.
Legolas's dreamy blue eyes suddenly opened as he sensed DANGER. It was a vague feeling, but somehow Legolas had evolved the gift of foresight while journeying with the Fellowship, and it was coming in useful. He jumped to his feet and vaulted gracefully down to the ground, where he landed neatly on his feet and not on his head, like Aragorn still did.
Legolas called his faithful steed and they went galloping off to Minis Tirith.
I think I should take a moment to tell the reader about Legolas's horse. It was big and white and even faster than Shadowfax. Legolas had raised it from colthood and it loved him a lot. It always came when he called. (Legolas couldn't whistle.)
Its name was Swifty.
Legolas galloped on Swifty all the way to Minas Tirith, ignoring the Dwarven hitchhiker who was yelling at him from the side of the road.
Legolas jumped lightly off Swifty, his countenance grim and handsome. He was ready for any sort of danger. Aragorn advanced towards him from where he had been waiting by a convenient window.
"Legolas, melleninen (my friend)," Aragorn said. "How nice to see you again."
Legolas smiled bravely. "E ma halleinth rayomelli (I am ready for anything)," he said. "Llellehend qiotiod btw fyi lol roflh yadda yadda yadda (What was the danger I sensed with my all-powerful Elven instincts?)"
Aragorn decided to stop talking in Elvish. "My friend," he said gravely. "We are in terrible danger. I fear the Fellowship must reunite."
"What do you mean by that?" Legolas asked dryly, running his fingers through his long beautiful golden silken locks.
Aragorn coughed. "I don't fear reuniting the Fellowship, of course. I merely fear the incredibly dangerous DANGER that is coming upon us... Actually, I've already invited the hobbits over. Frodo was able to come back from Valinor for this, which was rather touching."
"I didn't know anyone could do that," Legolas said. (This was an inside joke shared by Aragorn and Legolas.) They both began to laugh, clapping each other on the back and grinning and looking brotherly and sweet.
They went into the dining hall.
Frodo looked poignant and melancholy and Sam tried to cheer him up. Merry ate apples. Pippin ate everything in sight. Even as Legolas and Aragorn stepped into the hall, Gimli came stomping inside, glaring at Legolas. He looked dirty.
"What do you mean by that, you crazy Elf?" he demanded. "You rode right past me without pausing to say hello! Then you made me walk the rest of the way to Minis Tirith, when you could have let me join you."
"Swifty does not like Dwarves," Legolas said. "He's allergic."
Aragorn and Legolas shared another laugh, this time at Gimli's expense. Gimli growled, and began to smoke his pipe quite viciously.
Gandalf hurried into the hall, thumping his big staff and looking impressive and important. "I must tell you about the DANGER," he said gravely. "Before Saruman died, he was experimenting on a new breed of evil. He had captured Ents, tortured and mutilated them, and made them EVIL."
The Fellowship gasped.
"Now they have escaped, and they are out to kill the Nine Walkers," said Gandalf seriously. "That's us."
The Fellowship gasped again.
"They are almost completely invincible, but we must defeat them nonetheless," Gandalf said.
Though Arwen was annoyed because Aragorn was a king, and shouldn't have been going out to his nearly certain death, the thought of ruling Gondor quickly soothed her.
Two hours later, the Fellowship set off on their quest. The hobbits were ready for the adventure, with the exception of Frodo, of course. Sam worried about his wife, but then decided that saving Middle-Earth was too important to miss. Gimli sharpened his axe enthusiastically. Legolas looked grim and heroic, clearly ready for anything. Gandalf rode Shadowfax, who looked a bit ashamed at being in the company of such a steed as Swifty.
"Ah," Aragorn said reminiscently. "This brings back such fond memories."
Legolas smiled. It was only seven years since the Quest. Apparently time seemed more relevant to humans than it did to him.
Suddenly Legolas tensed, sensing DANGER. He grabbed an arrow and put it to the bowstring, pointing it into the shadows. He aimed and fired with grace and speed. Aragorn watched admiringly.
A large Evil Ent came striding out of the forest. It had glinting red eyes and looked VICIOUS. Legolas shot it, but it didn't care. The rest of the Fellowship stood petrified at the sight of such a horrible monster, but Legolas wasn't even worried. He skipped nimbly round the Evil Ent, shooting it many times. Eventually the Evil Ent fell over: stone dead.
Instantly the Company thronged around Legolas, cheering him on and crying out with joy. A few wept openly, tears of delight and admiration streaming down their faces. Gimli was all choked up. Legolas took the praise with his usual graceful modesty, bowing once or twice and smiling fondly at the hobbits, who were making a wreath of laurels for him to wear.
"This is indeed a grave danger," said Aragorn. "But we will defeat it. After all, we have Legolas."
Legolas leapt lightly onto Swifty's back. "Come on. We must proceed," he said, almost as if nothing had happened. The Fellowship was overcome with awe at his unparalleled ability to handle the situation. They all rode off.
They encountered a few more Evil Ents, but Legolas killed them. Occasionally Aragorn or Gandalf managed to get a few blows in, but most of the time Legolas took care of the danger. Gimli and the hobbits were terrified by the large Evil Ents, and spent most of their time trying to keep out of the way.
Eventually they decided to camp for the night. As they toasted marshmallows and told tales of great heroes and battles long past, Pippin began to feel depressed. Since he was undoubtedly the cutest member of the Fellowship, he was going to get to be depressed for a lot of the story. Please bear this in mind.
Merry came over to comfort his friend. "Why are you feeling depressed?" he asked.
"I never get to kill evil ents," Pippin said. "I'm too small. People think I'm insignificant."
Merry comforted Pippin. Pippin felt better. Eventually the sun rose.
"It's another beautiful day," Aragorn said cheerfully. He pulled twigs out of his hair.
Legolas was already awake, cool and collected, and smiling pleasantly. He had cooked breakfast, having somehow become accomplished in the culinary arts as well as everything else.
Just then, some ORCS ran into the camp. This was strange, because most Orcs should have been dead by then, but Aragorn didn't fret. He and Legolas killed the Orcs before they could wake up the others. Then the two friends sat down and had more marshmallows.
After a while, the rest of the Fellowship woke up. They were somewhat surprised by Orc corpses that littered the ground, but Legolas explained everything to them.
As they were eating breakfast, five Evil Ents walked into the camp. Obviously the camp was not much of a secret, because half the dangerous creatures left in Middle-Earth seemed to know exactly where it was. However, this did not bother Legolas. He turned one of the Evil Ents into a pincushion when he suddenly noticed that an Evil Ent was about to kill Aragorn. He jumped bravely in the way, and got hurt instead of his friend.
The Fellowship was forced to retreat, leaving their comrade behind. They mourned for a few hours, remembering what a wonderful Elf he had been.
"His father didn't deserve him!" wailed Aragorn.
They sat and felt depressed for a while, especially Pippin.
Aragorn felt EXTREMELY GUILTY about Legolas's injuries.
"It was all my fault!" he wailed.
Pippin secretly thought that Aragorn was wrong. It was obviously all his fault. Legolas had been one of Pippin's particular friends, and he was devastated by his loss. While no one was looking, Pippin ran off into the woods.
Just as the Fellowship was getting calmed down, Merry realized Pippin was gone. "We should look for him!" he cried.
Aragorn stood up listlessly. "All right. I suppose it doesn't matter what we do anyway. Our lives are meaningless now that Legolas is dead."
Actually, and here's a PLOT TWIST, Legolas was not actually dead. He had been captured by the Evil Ent Chieftain. The Evil Ent Chieftain beat up Legolas just for the fun of it. Then he asked Legolas lots of complicated questions, trying to make the heroic Elf talk. Legolas said nothing, no matter what the Evil Ent Chieftain did to him. This was very brave of him.
Meanwhile, Pippin was blundering through the woods feeling depressed when he fell over a cliff. Fortunately, the drop was not significant, but Pippin was rendered temporarily unconscious nonetheless. He lay on a small ledge that overhung absolute NOTHINGNESS.
Aragorn, Gandalf, Gimli, Merry, Sam and Frodo were walking through the woods looking out for DANGER... and also for Pippin. During this time, Gandalf and Frodo had a touching conversation. Though profound, it was rather boring, so I won't mention the particulars.
Pippin woke up. It was raining. He sat on the ledge for a long time and felt very depressed. He also caught a cold, which added to his depression.
Aragorn heard his sneezes. (You may have noticed that Gimli was doing NOTHING to help anyone, but this is because he is a Dwarf and therefore basically USELESS. This is all beside the point.) Anyway, Aragorn heard Pippin's sneezes.
"I hear Pippin!" he announced. "My keen ranger intellect allows me to know that it is, in fact, Pippin, and not an evil trap!"
The Fellowship was slightly cheered by this. They hurried forward and saved Pippin.
Pippin sat on a tree stump and sniffled cutely. The Fellowship was touched.
Meanwhile, Legolas was thinking up a way to escape, despite the fact that by now he was so severely injured he could not even sit up. Perhaps he was in denial. Thankfully, none of his wounds would be disfiguring. He took consolation in the fact that he had also been very stoic.
Not even the thought of his stoicism could make Legolas feel less angsty. He felt angsty for a long time. By the end of the angst, the reader was in tears.
The Fellowship sneaked into the Evil Ent's fortress. They spent many suspenseful pages sneaking around and looking for Legolas.
Suddenly, Aragorn found a CLUE.
The Fellowship came to look at the CLUE. It was Legolas's shoelace.
"It is apparent that Legolas was here recently," Aragorn said wisely. He shoved the shoelace in his pocket. "Using my keen ranger instinct, I will find Legolas."
The Fellowship watched Aragorn use his keen ranger instinct. He paced along the floor, peering around in unlikely places.
Then an Evil Ent jumped out at them.
There was now an EPIC BATTLE SEQUENCE. Aragorn did most of the fighting, because he was handsome. Gandalf shot magic from his staff all over the place. Sam hit the Ent's toes with his frying pan. Merry and Pippin threw convenient rocks. Frodo, despite having said that he never wanted to fight again, managed a few nifty moves. Gimli did almost nothing, because he was a DWARF. He just looked at his axe blankly, even though it would have been the perfect weapon for killing an Ent.
Then Pippin remembered that he wanted to kill an Ent. Now was the time to PROVE HIS WORTH. Pippin lunged at the Ent and stabbed it with his dagger.
The Ent made strange noises and fell over: stone dead. The Fellowship stared at it.
"Did you do that, Pippin?" asked Gimli, though this question was unnecessary.
Pippin smiled cutely.
Even Gandalf had to admit that Pippin was an amazing warrior. Pippin named his sword "Ent-chopper".
Legolas was lying around feeling angsty when he heard a rattling noise. Someone was unlocking the door!
Legolas staggered to his feet, prepared to SELL HIS LIFE DEARLY... and Swifty entered the room.
"Swifty! You came for me!" cried Legolas weakly.
Swifty snorted in his pleasant horsey fashion. Legolas flung his arms around the horse's neck. "Oh Swifty! You're my hero!" he sobbed.
The reader was touched.
Legolas and Swifty sneaked out of the nasty little room. They suddenly heard a familiar sound.
It turned out to be Merry and Pippin singing a CHEERFUL SONG for COMIC RELIEF.
Legolas was surprised that his friends had come for him. Being a very humble, modest Elf, he had never supposed that his friends would attempt to save him.
He was walking down the hall to see what was going on, when suddenly an Evil Ent leapt out at him.
The reader may be wondering where all these Evil Ents were coming from, and why no one ever heard them sneaking up, but this is merely a PLOT DEVISE of the writer. It is to take the reader by surprise, and also to provide more ACTION in the story.
Anyway, Legolas killed the Evil Ent. With his bare hands. Even Swifty was amazed.
Legolas found the Fellowship hanging out and acting as if they didn't have one care in the world. He decided to surprise them.
Legolas walked into the room. "Hello," he said. Then he collapsed.
The Fellowship was suitably surprised.
"Legolas! Are you OK?" asked Aragorn, lapsing into American, to the consternation of the purists.
The Fellowship came over and revived Legolas. He sat up and told them his story. The Fellowship was touched. The reader was in tears, yet again.
Everyone thought the story was about to end, but little did they know that the writer had one more PLOT TWIST in store for them.
The fortress began to cave in for NO APPARENT REASON.
"What's going on?" squeaked Sam. This is his first line in the whole story. Some line.
"The cave is collapsing!" cried Merry.
"This is no cave," Aragorn said grimly. "This is a terrible trap."
Legolas hated being in a dirty stone building, since it made him feel claustrophobic. The fact that said dirty stone building was falling down around his ears did not improve matters at all.
Despite being in such a trying situation, Legolas quickly took control.
"We must escape," he said stoically.
The Fellowship escaped in a very exciting scene. It ended with them swinging across the moat on convenient vines. The Evil Ents were squished in the destruction of their fort.
At that moment, Legolas remembered Swifty. "Swifty!" he shouted. "He'll die!"
Swifty, though a very talented horse, was incapable of swinging across the moat on a vine. He stood on the other side of the moat, and looked sad.
"What can we do?" asked Aragorn. "Swifty is a noble steed. He does not deserve to come to such an end, squished by the collapsing fortress of the Evil Ents."
Gandalf pursed his lips thoughtfully. "I'll see what I can do," he said.
Using his magic, Gandalf saved Swifty. Don't ask how. It was a complicated process.
"Thank you, Gandalf!" cried Legolas. He flung his arms around Swifty's neck for the second time.
"I guess we should head for Minis Tirith again," Aragorn said. "The world is saved."
The Fellowship set off for Minis Tirith, pleased at the way they had thwarted their enemies so well. Pippin was not depressed. Legolas had almost healed, because he was an Elf and healed REALLY quickly. Aragorn was still handsome. Gimli was still useless. Sam was quiet. Frodo was melancholy. Merry was eating an apple.
Aragorn felt nostalgic. "That was great," he said happily. "Just like old times." Then he paused, frowning as he realized something. "Except I didn't get hurt."
He never even saw the cliff... until he'd fallen over it, that is.