Written: 1-5-01 through 1-16-01 (Updated on 6.7.01 – season five added)
Feedback: Yes, please!!! This is only my second fic attempt!
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, sets or concepts found within, nor do I intend any disrespect to any of the aforementioned. I'm just having a little fun : ) I love this show really…I swear.
Distribution: Ask, and you shall receive : )
Buffy walks into Sunnydale High wearing a short skirt and a wonder bra that keeps her breasts up alarmingly high.
Buffy: "Hi! I'm new here, and please don't be suspicious about me because I carry a wooden stake around in my purse"
Xander and Willow walk in.
Xander: "And this is Willow, she's the resident computer nerd who can somehow manage to hack into any records we might need, despite firewalls and fool proof security measures. She's also seen the softer side of Sears."
Willow: "Hi. please don't notice me."
They stand there until Giles comes running up. Giles: "Something horrible is about to happen, we must stop it!"
Buffy swings around to face Giles and we all worry that her breasts will knock him over. Buffy: "Wah, I'm tired of being a slayer. Why do I have to do everything? Wah."
Giles: "Because you're the chosen one."
Buffy: "I didn't ASK to be chosen! I didn't ASK for this kind of life!"
Giles: "But you are the slayer! The one girl in all the world with the strength and skill to....."
Buffy: "yeah, I got it."
Xander: "Wow Buff, that skirt is awesome! It's so SHORT!"
Buffy: "Thanks! You're such a great friend."
Xander: (dejected) "What's happening, anyway?"
Giles: "That's not important. What IS important is that we must pound into the ground the fact that Buffy is the slayer, that she really wishes she hadn't been chosen, and that she's gonna cry about it in every bloody episode."
Xander: "Oh, okay."
Buffy: "Okay, let's go kill something, then."
Angel walks in. He is dark and handsome and brooding!
Buffy (smitten): "Hi!"
Angel: "How you dooin'?"
Xander: "I hate him."
Willow: (quietly): "I love you Xander!"
Giles: "Hello! Evil thing we've gotta fight! There's a bad prophecy!"
(viewers): who prophecies all this stuff, anyway? Every time the gang needs some information, somewhere, somehow, someone has conveniently prophesized what's going to happen. Whatever.
Buffy: "oh yeah. Well, I'm the slayer, I'll do it, yadda yadda yadda. But Willow, why don't you do some computer research for me, and Xander, you can check all the lockers for clues, and Giles, I can make you feel guilty for not helping more.....'cause obviously you're supposed to do more than train me and care for me and teach me how to not get killed and stuff, and get knocked out in half the episodes."
Angel: "What can I do?"
(the viewers): STAND THERE AND LOOK HOT!
Buffy: "You can come back in every other episode and tell me something cryptic that doesn't really make any sense or help me at all. And then we can fall for each other, and decide not to pursue it.....and then you can come back a few episodes later and we can totally forget about what we said."
Angel: "Cool" (broods)
Xander: "I hate him."
Giles: "Buffy, don't you find it odd that almost all of our scenes are filmed in the library, the cemetery, or the Bronze?"
Buffy (stares at Giles with a blank expression on her face): "What?"
Giles: "Never mind. Because you had to go and dally around with boys, now the Master's going to rise and destroy the world."
Buffy: "Wah, how come everything's my fault?"
Giles: "Because you are the slayer. The one girl in all the world with the strength and skill to....."
(viewers): "Agh! stop it already! We GET that she's the slayer!"
Giles: "Well there's no need to be so rude about it!"
Buffy: "So anyway, I go follow this kid, and then fight the Master, right?"
Giles: "In essence, yes"
Buffy goes and dies in the Master's lair. Xander and Angel come down to save her, but Xander has to perform the CPR, because Angel - panting - tells us that he has no breath. Buffy jumps up, alive again.
Buffy: "Wow, isn't it like, majorly cool that when the Master dropped me into this pool my hair was up in a pony tail, but now it's down and all scraggly looking?"
Later, after Buffy's killed the Master:
Giles: "All right, now everyone must overlook the fact that we know when a slayer dies, the next one is called. Just totally forget it! It must not occur to any of us that another slayer might have been called. We must all be very surprised when Kendra shows up next season, remember."
Gang: "Yes, Giles!"
The gang parties