Season Five


Buffy starts off the season by letting Dracula suck on her before she stakes him. Nobody really notices though, because we are all far too amused by Xander's butt-monkey-ness, and are WAY excited that Giles has returned from........wherever it was that he WAS last season.

(viewers): Giles! Yay!

Five minutes after declaring his want to be taken seriously, Xander gets split in two by some demon guy that's not really a big part of the episode; he's just an excuse for Xander to be split into two people so NB's brother can be on the show (come on, you KNEW they were gonna make use of the twin SOMETIME, didn't ya?).

Even though this episode is YET AGAIN dedicated to Xander finding out that he's not really a big loser, we all love it anyway because the Snoopy Dance freakin' *ROCKS* !!! Somewhere in Australia, there is a resounding *thud*.

(viewers): What was that?

(author): Never mind, it's not important. Pay no attention. Back to the story now, eh?

Also, we're introduced to a new character this season, Buffy's sister Dawn.

(viewers): Yeah, what's up with that? Where the hell did she come from?

Meanwhile, Riley and Xander do some bonding, and Riley confesses that he knows Buff doesn't love him. We actually start to care a little bit. But then he goes and quasi-cheats on Buffy by letting a bunch of female vamps suck on him. While we all think this is an interesting character development, we all hate him again.

(GLR's): We don't hate him!

(author): oh yeah, except you guys.

Somewhere along the line, Spike falls for Buffy.

Spike: "Slayer, can I be the next bloke to fall hopelessly in love with you that you care absolutely nothing about?"

Buffy: "Sure! But just so ya know, I'm totally going to ignore you and treat you like crap, and not think it's strange at all when you start stalking me, and stealing my pictures, and actually saving my life a few times."

Spike: "Fair enough"

(author): What?! That is so not fair! Just once I'd like to see BUFFY fall hopelessly in love with somebody who doesn't care about her at all. I mean, what makes her so bleeding special anyway? If I had a Spike of my very own, who was actually finding himself doing good things because he knew it would matter to me, I would totally reciprocate. In fact .......

(viewers): Agh! Get over it already! Could you get back to the story?! Jeez, you're obsessing more over Spike than you did over Angel's leather pants in the season 2 parody!

(author): Shoosh, you! Do you wanna know how season 5 ends or not?

(viewers): That depends, are we ever gonna get there?

(author, grumbling): all right, all right already. Hold your horses.

So anyway, Spike's following Buffy around, being cute and all, sniffing her sweater and stuff.......

(viewers): That is so not cute! That's stalking!

(author): Hey, this is MY parody, and I'm telling it like I see it!

(viewers): All right, that's it..........somebody get her out of here!

(author, jumps up): Okay, okay! I'll tell the freaking parody! Sheesh! It's not my fault they're taking forever to get to the story arc this season! (grumbles)

So yeah….If I might continue….(glares at viewers)…..finally they introduce the big bad of the season…a blonde chick named Glory in a red dress. Turns out, she's after Dawn. Who is, in fact, not Buffy's sister, but a key…whatever that is.

(viewers): Oh yeah, and this Dawn girl? Totally annoying. Who's bright idea was she?

Joss Whedon: "AHEM!!!"

(viewers, looking quickly at the floor ): oh….sorry….

Glory: "I want my key!"

(author, continues): Sooooo….okay. Glory's after "the key", which turns out to be Dawn in pure – energy form. Spike's still in love with Buffy, and Riley's getting sucked on by slutty vampire chicks. Xander and Anya are still together, and so are Willow and Tara, even though we still get no action from them.

(Joss Whedon shakes his fist at the censors)

The next like, ten episodes have almost no plot development at all going on. Glory's still looking for her key, and Riley eventually gets fed up with Buffy making everything all about herself and bails. We all jump up and down from excitement.

(viewers and author together): yay! the Finnspawn is gone!!!

Meanwhile, Joyce has been feeling steadily worse, and it's revealed she has a brain tumor.

(viewers): What is this, a soap opera? Next thing you know Tara's gonna get in a car accident and get amnesia, and Giles is gonna show up with an evil twin one day. Dawn'll be sent to the attic to look for something, and when she finally comes down three years later she'll be played by a different actress. Oh yeah…And then Anya will find out Xander's having an affair with her sister that we never knew about. Oh wait….they already USED the "sister coming out of nowhere" idea!!!

So then we have this little standalone episode where this guy Warren builds the perfect girl. She's a robot, and we all just know that a buffybot is gonna be built. We just know it. But we're all DREADFULLY grateful that the robot in this episode wasn't played by Britney Spears.

Sure enough, Spike requisitions a buffybot from Warren, just as Joyce suddenly dies.

Buffy: "Wah, my life sucks! Wah, my sister's a key. Wah, my mom's dead! Waaaaaah!"

(viewers): Okay…we'll give her that one. And wow…this season is so depressing. What happened to our darkly intriguing yet humorous wise-cracking show?

(author, looking at Joss): Yeah, what's up with that?

Joss Whedon: "Well you see, each year I try to write at least one episode that really challenges me….And I felt it was time that Buffy had something utterly natural happen to her. Something that she couldn't fight."

(author): So you felt the need to do this seven episodes from the end? When you've totally done nothing with the arc of the season, and can't possibly hope to fully explore Joyce's death, the Knights of Byzantium, the mystery of Glory and Ben sharing bodies, AND, Dawn's story all at once by the end of the season? Are you insane?

Joss Whedon: "Don't question my methods! I know what I'm doing. Don't you know that I won an award for "Hush"? I am invincible. I am the almighty Joss."

(viewers): Yeah, shut up…leave him alone! At least Tara and Willow finally got to kiss!

(author, grumbling): You just wait and see…there's not gonna be enough time to go into all of this….

(viewers glare)

Ooooooookay. As predicted, Spike gets his buffybot, and he spends an entire episode shagging it. That's vaguely….ewwww. The gang finds out about the buffybot and shuts his little love machine down. In the meantime, Spike gets kidnapped by Glory who's…you guessed it…still looking for her key. We finally get some info on the Glory / Ben situation, and find out that Ben, the greasy intern, is the human host body that holds Glory, who is a banished God. Got that? Alrighty then, moving on.

Spike, having proved himself loyal to Buffy, is now in on the plans as he and the gang take Dawn and run away from Glory. She's still….say it with me now…looking for her key. And thanks to Greasy Intern Ben, she knows it's Dawn, now.

(viewers): Oh, way to go, dumbass! Still…that was pretty cool when he stabbed the minion.

Finally…FINALLY, we get some action! And no…not the Willow / Tara kind. The gang goes on the run, but Glory manages to kidnap Dawn anyway. She takes her back to the batcave to prepare for the ritual she needed the key for that will unlock the all of the portals between dimensions. Buffy takes this opportunity to once again make everything be all about her, and goes catonic.

(viewers): God, she is so annoying. Why doesn't someone just kill her and put her out of her misery, already?

Willow does a little trance thingy, and breaks Buffy out of her comatose state.

(author): Ooh! Ooh! Coma! See, see! It's like a soap opera, just like we said! And ooh! Tara got brainsucked by Glory! It's like…amNESIA! Just like a soap opera! (jumps up and down)

(viewers): Dude, calm down.

(author): Oh yeah…sorry. Continuing…

So yeah…Buffy's outta the coma, or whatever, and she goes all uberbitch on the gang…telling 'em she'll kill anyone who goes near Dawn to kill her before Glory can finish the ritual. Sheesh, Buffy, way to be incredibly ungrateful, ya big MEANIE!

So blah blah blah, the gang goes to stop Glory, blah blah blah, Dawn starts bleeding from her cuts and the ritual starts…blah blah blah, only her blood can close it…blah blah blah nostalgia-cakes.

(author): Dude…unoriginal much? Isn't the same thing that happened with Angel? He would use his blood to bring forth Acathla, who would mean the end of earth. Only by killing him could the demon be sent back to hell. Dawn's blood opens all these portals and seriously screws up Earth…only her blood can shut the portal. Hmmm.

So Dawn's all, "I gotta jump in the portal, Buffy!" And Buffy's all "No, I'll do it!"

(viewers, starting to sniffle): She…they wouldn't really kill off Buffy, would they?

(author): pfft. We wouldn't be that lucky.

(viewers): And besides…the rules were that as long as Dawn's blood was flowing, the portals would remain open. Even if Buffy's blood can suddenly be a substitute for Dawn's…Dawn's blood would still be flowing afterward, so how would that work? Where the hell did this little bit of crap come from, anyway?

Joss Whedon (shamefaced): "I pulled it outta my ass. I was hoping you wouldn't notice."

(author): WRONG, monkeyboy!

Suddenly Buffy takes a running leap off the catwalk, and flies through the portal before going SPLAT! on a big pile of bricks below.

(author and viewers are stunned, sobbing openly): OMG, they really killed her!

Joss Whedon: "See! I told you I knew what I was doing! Now, who can look me in the eye and tell me this isn't the best season finale ever?"

(author): Whatever, dude. I'll give you that this is a great season finale. But you've gotta admit that it's a carbon-copy of Becoming part II, you just killed off a different character.

Joss Whedon: "Well…there is that…but I'll bet you're totally stumped as to what Dawn wanted with those earrings, aren't you?!"

(viewers): Well yeah, actually, we are.

Joss Whedon: "Well, don't worry. That may or may not have hidden meaning. It all connects up with Restless somewhere."

(author): Oh no! Not Restless!?!!! ( driven over the edge, puts her head in her hands and sobs miserably, a la Spike)

*author's note *: heh. sorry guys…I know part 5 here is more of a recap than a parody…but this season was a little harder to keep with the flow, as they spent so LITTLE time on the season arc. Anyways, hope ya enjoyed…thanks for Reading and Reviewing, and I'll catch ya next season!!!