Title: Butcheredus Latinus

Author: Kits

Rating: K

Feedback: I've heard of that!

Disclaimer: Wait, wait… nah. Still not mine.

Today, we explore the rugged wilds of untamed prisoner life to catch a glimpse of the several rare and exotic species transplanted to Germany. The zoos in Germany are sadly lacking the amenities and habitat seen in nature around these animals, but the captive animals have shown great ingenuity in reforming the zoo to fit their own standards--including their captors.

Stirring the soup and making several guttural sounds loosely termed as "French" by naturalists is the friendly Gourmetus Chefus. This particular creature will not attack unless provoked, but is considered quite violent when its territory is threatened by invaders. Its typical diet consists of cafe au lait, crepe suzette, and pretty girls with berets. The Gormetus Chefus uses its French to attract and woo a mate in an elaborate ritual often involving materials gathered around its area: wine is a popular gift to be shared between the lovebirds. The natural habitat of the Gormetus Chefus is on a sunny sidewalk cafe in Paris, but as evidenced by this particular specimen's content humming, the species is well known for its adaptability under harsh circumstances.

Though not naturally socially inclined, Gormetus Chefus's will form a close bond with the more rugged Englandus Thiefus, frequently seen rifling through other species' nests and valuables, which it then secrets away in its own stash. Not unlike a raven, Englandus Thiefus is strongly attracted to shiny objects and is an expert at mimicry. This particular male stays clad in blue all year long, hoping to attract a mate, though the scarcity of females in the region seems to be affecting his spirits. Have no fear, gentle viewers, for the Englandus Thiefus has used natural selection to become as adept as Gourtmetus Chefus in the face of adversity. Unlike the Gormetus Chefus, however, Englandus Thiefus have little to no discerning tastes and can frequently be seen scavenging for fish and chips, even when perfectly acceptable food is elsewhere. But no matter--for what should waltz through the door of this cage but Americanus BoomBoomus! and Americanus Over-and-Outus. The former is quite well known for being quite social, even with other species. They often show a fondness for the company of others, being natural herd creatures. Domesticated, they make wonderful pets, except for a strange affinity for things generally considered dangerous. Many an unsuspecting pet owner has let their guard down, only to find the Americanus BoomBoomus! has made like a curious cat. It is theorized that this penchant for trouble is what led to the evolutionary need for companionship in the form of other animals, as evidenced by the close relationship between the Americanus Over-and-Outus. The Americanus Over-and-Outus is a generally quiet, peace-loving animal who has a curious habit of growing fur to keep his upper lip warm all year round. They are naturally solitary animals, but this male has clearly made an exception in light of his captivity.

If we remain quiet, we may be able to hear and see the creatures as they act in the wild.

"Smells like you're stewing socks in here, mate," Englandus Thiefus says.

"Englanders," Gourmetus Chefus let out an indelicate snort common to the species. "No taste."

"I've got plenty of taste!" Englandus Thiefus reaches into to his pocket to pull out a shiny watch, generously lightening the load of one of the guards. "This watch right 'ere, for instance. She's a real beauty, isn't she?"

The Americanus BoomBoomus! inches closer. "Gee, Newkirk, that's a swell watch."

"I'll let you 'ave it for a pack of cigarettes and a candy bar."

The Americanus Over-and-Outus, still silent, deters the Englandus Thiefus from stealing the Americanus BoomBoomus!'s food in a show of solidarity not uncommonly formed in captivity between very dissimilar creatures. Through a complex system of rank, the four have a specific hierarchy for settling disputes. Englandus Thiefus regularly challenges the hierarchy, meeting with mixed success.

The most elusive creature of all, however, has sequestered himself in his cave. Only he lives there, though he often brings mates in briefly. This is the Superus Geniusus, known commonly as "Colonel". The Colonel is a wily animal who survives using his wits and natural advantages. The Colonel is well known for his voice, which he can use in several ways. An incessant chattering may be used to distract enemies and ward off would-be-intruders, while a melodious, smooth tune may be used to charm even his captors. The Colonel shows several inconsistencies that baffle those who wish to study this handsome creature. Though normally quite private creatures, they nonetheless form strong attachments to those closest to them, showing strong aggressiveness when they are threatened.

The Colonel frequently camouflages himself as a member of the poisonous Nazius genus to fool predators and is skilled at imitation. Members of this species are often mistaken by amateurs as domesticated, but rest assured that the Colonel remains as untamed as in the wild, though occasionally they will deign to help themselves to the luxury of domestication once in a while.

Superus Geniusus may frequently be seen soaring amongst the clouds, but sadly this specimen has had his wings clipped by his captors and must scavenge on the ground.

All of the creatures seem to share a strong symbiotic bond that no doubt keeps them healthy within the confines of their temporary cages. With renovations coming soon, hopefully these beautiful, rare creatures may return to their natural habitats soon.

Next, we will look at the Germanus kingdom, specifically the Sergeantus I-Know-Nothingicus. With extreme luck, we may be able to witness the curious courtship rituals of the Frau-Shudderus Linkmeyerus and Monocleus Buffoonus. Stay tuned for more exciting installments.