Alva Keel's real fear

I have seen a lot of scary things in my life (and no Paul, not all were seen in reflective surfaces) but there is one thing, just one, that can bring me to my knees in a completely undignified fashion. Spiders.

Don't laugh! There is something just so unearthly about the creeping, crawling creatures that make me shiver and shudder and sadly hide away from them.

I know I shouldn't be afraid of them. What can they do to harm me? It's not the fact that they can harm me; it's the way that they move. It's unrealistic the way one... foot (for lack of better word) moves and then the rest follow at their own pace just creeping and crawling up my leg..


Sorry... got an itch on my leg and it scared me. Anyway... they can be everywhere and they are so small that you can't see them until they strike. Okay they generally run away from me but they could strike if they wanted, I can see it in their 32 beady eyes. Who needs eight legs and thirty-two eyes anyway? I know it's a conspiracy to scare me!

It's not the big spiders that scare me, like tarantulas, nor is it the small spiders like the red blood sucking ones I was told to avoid as a child. It's the common, black, medium sized ones that are about EVERYWHERE. Here's a story for you kiddies, imagine pouring out a bowl of your favourite cereal (Rice Krispies are delicious I'll have you know) and suddenly without warning you look down and there you see a spider. In the bowl with the Rice Krispies that you are about to eat! Can you imagine the deep, psychological scaring that would cause on a child? Severe arachnophobia!

Here's another one... you're tuning into lovely film (League of Extraordinary Gentlemen of course) in your room to relax after a hard day's work (three hauntings! I beg you to sympathise with me) and about half way through, that delicious cup of cappuccino (with vanilla shot of course) manages to work its way to your bladder and urges you, very nicely, to release it. So you put the film on pause and go to stick on the light, it's all very natural. You just glance over to the wall, very close to the light switch, and what do you see? A great big honking spider just looking at you. Now I've seen things in my life, I've seen a man's head being squished between two bars, I've seen someone throw themselves of a building and land unsuccessfully and I've seen possessions, demons, blood, gore and other random grossness's of the world and I haven't really batted an eyelid but seeing this *thing* so close to where my hand was, was enough to send me screeching and shaking for the rest of the night. After convincing myself it had gone I clambered into bed and sat awake until I finally bashed my head of the wall until I reached blissful unconsciousness.

Oh no but this nightmare still isn't over as when I went to lift a very important tome for some research, guess what creature decided to be on top of it! I'll give you a big clue! It has eight-legs, thirty-two eyes and a taste for my fear!!

Bring on the apocalypse!

(Note: Four hours later and still no sign of spider. Must wait until night to trap the monster)

It's back!! Wish me luck!!

The End

Well... Alva Keel's hat is on a temporary stand-still so I've decided to tell the story of his real fear. The events mentioned in the story are actually real and have happened to me (I'm waiting until tonight before I kick the bugger out ( wish me luck!) and I'm literally shaking in my chair after I seen him go behind my computer desk. I'm sick of Alva being afraid of such wise things... I vote his new fear is of the common house spider! Rice Krispies belong to the nice people who make them (Kellogs I think) and just for the record I haven't had any since that occasion Lucozade belongs to GlaxoSmithKline (or so the bottle says...) Alva belongs to the nice Miracles people and his nice new fear really belongs to me *cries* I had to tell someone!