Draco/Hermione Valentine's Day Fic Exchange

Written by: Fluff

Rating: PG – some language and implied stuff

Title: Chemical Imbalances

Summary: Amid all of the love confessions, candy, chocolate, and flowers galore, there are two people who absolutely abhor Valentine's Day. But with Stupid Cupid's help and a few chemical imbalances, anything can happen! [Draco and Hermione]

Author's Note: This is for my D/Hr Valentine's Day Fic Exchange, fic request number 99.  ONE-SHOT! Tell me what you think.

Chemical Imbalances

Hermione stepped over the boxes of little chocolate hearts that littered the common room floor. Pink wrapping paper was strewn about the room as if it were ingrained into the floor itself and red roses pasted onto the walls like some five-year-old child's artwork.

Hermione snorted to herself. The day was undoubtedly crazy.

It was barely eight in the morning and while she was struggling to keep her eyes open, Parvati had already passed out striped white chocolate hearts that had been mercilessly stapled to poor teddy bears to everyone in the Gryffindor house. Hermione had taken hers with some caution; Valentine's Day was the easiest day to slip something in a piece of candy and undoubtedly poison your enemy.

It was all a bloody conspiracy against her.

Harry and Ron, smiles as wide as the English channel pasted across their faces, ambled over to her. "Hermione!" they called out happily. "Happy Valentine's Day!"

"Well it's not like it's Christmas, for Merlin's sake," Hermione muttered under her breath, but when she looked up at the boys, she'd positioned her features in a somewhat forced smile, all the while praising herself on her superb acting skills.

Harry was bobbing his head up and down, in a manner that resembled a penguin, while Ron clapped his hands together in what Hermione could only assume was glee. "Mum's sent tons of chocolate," Ron gushed. "I've got an assortment of tiny little hearts, can you believe? They're perfect for the girls."

Hermione's smile was now making her look a tad bit constipated but neither Harry nor Ron noticed. Ron continued blabbering about his girlfriend from Ravenclaw, Mandy Brocklehurst, and with every word Hermione could feel stab after stab of green-tipped jealousy. It wasn't fair really, that Ron could've moved on so bloody easily while she couldn't find a…she was being silly again, of course.

Nobody bloody fell in love when they were seventeen or eighteen years old. You had to wait until you were twenty-eight and engaged to Mr. Right. When you were eighteen, you screwed around until that lust that you'd mistaken as an early visit from the L-word was all gone, and then you could be pissed off at the fact that you'd lost your virginity or that you'd really ruined the best years of your life by having an unwanted pregnancy.

Right. Hermione cleared her head, the main focus of trying to get down to breakfast coming back to her. Of course it was possibly one of the most difficult things she had to do, pushing herself through the throngs of people exchanging gifts, hugs, and kisses in the Gryffindor common room.

Behind her she could hear Harry squeal, "Lavender!" while Ron probably knocked down three people in order to get out of the portrait hole and see Mandy. It was insane, Hermione griped. Valentine's Day was so frivolous and just plain…stupid, for lack of a better word. She grinned as she thought of the coined term "stupid cupid". Now that was the only part of Valentine's Day that she could agree to.

It turned out to be a bit of a mistake to even think about entering the Great Hall. She couldn't go three steps without having to duck from an incoming owl or avoid one of those silly elves that Dumbledore had re-hired to deliver heartfelt cards and messages. Sappy and sickening, really, she thought, finally finding her seat at the Gryffindor table. It took her a good ten minutes to find a piece of toast, let alone butter it, but as she finally sat down to eat, she could barely take three bites without someone interrupting her—including significant others from other houses, even Slytherin. For example, here was Blaise Zabini, wandering up to the table with a smirk on his face…oh, flowers for Parvati.

Goodness. Was it too difficult to have one of those blasted elves deliver it for him? Did he have to interrupt her table where she was trying to peacefully eat and peacefully leave so she could go to the bloody library and find a little bit of relief from all the annoying sap around her?

Apparently it was.

Harry and Ron had disappeared into the masses, faces flushed red with either happiness or embarrassment, Hermione couldn't tell which, Ron sprinting off to find Mandy and Harry to find Lavender.

Did everyone have someone to share the unholy day with?

Not once had Hermione had anyone on Valentine's Day. The only boyfriends she ever had  (all two of them) had turned out to be complete duds, in the case of Viktor, or just too immature for a real relationship, in the case of Ron.

But her 'relationship' with Ron, and she could hardly bring herself to call it that, had lasted all of four days. Those four days had been stressed and uncomfortable for the both of them and the most they'd ever done was hold hands.

And the most she'd ever done with Viktor was dance.

That was pathetic, but Hermione quickly reminded herself that at least she wasn't out there thinking that she was in love with some random bugger when in reality it was just pheromones and chemical imbalances.

Making her way to the library at last, she grabbed a book off one of the many shelves and plopped herself down.


Draco Malfoy's scowl was possibly deeper and ruder than it ever had been. He tried to pinpoint the exact moment that his mood had plunged down into the depths of hell, and decided it was just about the time that his buddy Blaise had decided to walk over to the Gryffindor house and hand his girlfriend some bloody flowers.

That was it. Blaise was officially outcast of the social circle.

Unfortunately, if he was going to have to exclude any Slytherin that dared observe the festivities of Valentine's Day, he'd be the only one left in his group.

What was it about the horrid day that compelled them all to behave like lunatics? What was it that made them so… mushy? Bleh.

His anger growing and growing, he finally pushed away from the Slytherin table and tried with much difficulty to break through the mesh of people barring him from leaving the Great Hall.

Goddamn it! It was just one day. One day where they could say three stupid words and have flutters in their heart and life was all carefree and merry and oh-so-sweet. Now who wanted something as unrealistic as that?

He didn't want to answer the question.

Finally getting out of the Great Hall, Draco took in a deep breath. Ah. Air that wasn't tainted with some awful perfume or worse, somebody's sweat. He inhaled deeply, closing his eyes for a second and trying to place himself mentally in a 'happy place', so he could get away from this big mess.

Oomph! Something collided into him with what seemed great speed and strength and Draco found himself lying on the floor, the breath knocked right out of him.

He opened his eyes, furious, ready to hex or kill (he couldn't quite decide) the idiot that had knocked him over. It was one thing to say Draco Malfoy was fit, but to actually prove that he was skinny and a little debilitated…ooh, was that little prat done for!

There was no one there.

It drove Draco up the wall when people committed hit-and-runs. Couldn't they learn already?

Scrambling around, he hoisted himself up and brushed himself off. A crumbled piece of something-or-the-other, which looked like dirt…no, scratch that…it was a bit like paper almost, rather mushy though…reddish. Oh, wonderful. It was shaped just like a bloody heart.

Another beautiful reminder of the blasphemy that was Valentine's Day.

As Draco's fingers touched the stupid thing and threw it far down the hall, he was hit with a sudden bout of inspiration. Oh, the idea was genius, brilliant, and he knew she would love it. She was a stickler for studies, wasn't she?

Now where was that Head Girl when you needed her? Always around when nobody wanted her silly advice, and never around when you actually needed her silly advice.

Although, come to think of it, she wasn't quite as bad as she'd been. Tolerable, even. Draco marveled at the wonder of such a statement. He truly was maturing. Damn.

First things first. He tried to think of where she spent most of her time, and of course, the answer was that unfortunate depth of hell, the library. A place where Draco willingly didn't set foot in, due to the horrid nature of a certain Madam Pince.

Well, here went nothing. Brushing himself off one more time and pasting on an evil look, Draco stomped towards the library.


Hermione scanned through the books, trying to select some nice, analytical reading material, but nothing seemed to be suiting her fancy today. Not one bloody book.

She sifted through the books, discouraged and unhappy with the reading choices. She didn't want to read 100 Ways to Express Your Love or Moonlit Night of Passion. Finally she picked out Hogwarts, A History and reluctantly looked through it. She'd practically memorized the book; it had lost all of its charm and appeal.

Just as she was turning the page, she heard someone call her name. "Granger." Well the only person who talked to her that addressed her by last name was the one and only Prick of Hogwarts.

She looked up lazily. "Yes?" she said in a bored tone.

Malfoy looked very passionate, for a change. Usually the git looked like he would rather hex his toes off than pay attention to practically anything. Hmm. Maybe it was something of interest.

"Now, how do you feel about Valentine's Day?"

Hermione put the book down.

"Seriously, you like the day? Horr..I mean, lovely little bug—er, elves, running around happily, yes?" Malfoy said. Hermione, being naturally perceptive, noted the bitterness and sarcasm.

He obviously hated it. Interesting. The one thing they had in common was abhorrence for Valentine's Day.

She chose her words carefully. "No, not particularly," she said. But of course, once she started she couldn't stop. "Actually, I rather hate it," she continued emphatically. "It's a horrid bugger of a day and I think anyone who celebrates it should have their head hexed off."

Now she really hadn't meant to be that violent. It had just come out; pent up anger she had been slightly aware of but never realized the extent of. She didn't want to hex anyone's head off…it was just this whole Valentine's Day business that she didn't quite enjoy.

Malfoy looked really surprised and awed, even. "Well, then," he finally said, a small smirk beginning to cross his features. "I've got a bit of an idea that'll rid us of this torture. Pink!" he said disdainfully.

Hermione was enraptured. "Yes?" she asked eagerly. Maybe too eagerly. She didn't want him getting the wrong idea, it was Valentine's Day after all…

Then again, it was Malfoy. She'd never heard any rumors about him at all. Apparently he wasn't all that interested in girls. More of a school oriented kind of guy, Hermione mused to herself. Interesting.

Amazing, even, that some boys could focus on school work. Now that was a type of guy she could handle.

"So," Malfoy began, his usually bored eyes sparkling with excitement, "Don't you think that this Valentine's Day activity is absolutely distracting? Isn't it awful how so many students are trying to study while these elves are causing ruckus in our corridors? So much noise and so much deviation? Plus all this extracurricular activity such as significant others and all of that rot? Well, the teachers are probably not too pleased with it, now are they?"

Hermione was grinning broadly by the end of his tirade. "I like it," she said approvingly. "Dumbledore?"

"Damn straight," he replied, and the two of them left the abandoned library and plodded towards Dumbledore's office.

After what seemed hours of trying to guess the most obscure password in the world (it happened to be Red Hots out of all things! Yet another cruel and unusual tribute to bloody Valentine's Day!) they finally climbed up spiral steps to reach his office. Dumbledore was sitting there, chewing on some stupid red candy (Hermione noted he didn't have his usual lemon drop) and did not even look up as the Head Boy and Head Girl burst into his office.

"Professor," Hermione began timidly. He looked up and smiled.

"Why, hello, Mr. Malfoy, Ms. Granger. Happy Valentine's Day! Care for a…hmm, what is this…Sweet Heart?"

Hermione looked at the candy distastefully. Vulgar little thing, she thought disapprovingly. Written blatantly across the tiny white heart, printed in small red letters was "U R HOT". Well. Obviously the creator of such a ridiculous candy had nothing better to do with his time.

Malfoy didn't even acknowledge the Professor's question with the shake of a head. Not to be deterred, Hermione continued on with the plan. "Er," she began slowly, "You see, Professor, my, um, counterpart and I have something to talk to you about."

She looked over at Malfoy who looked incredibly bored, actually. Damn him! Damn them all! He was going to make it look like she was the one who had the idea in the first place! It was a conspiracy against her!

Breathe, she instructed herself. Breathe. After a few good breaths, she was ready to continue again but it seemed that Malfoy had beat her to it. "Professor," Malfoy said, "Hermione and I have really thought this through, and we honestly believe that the Hogwarts School should eliminate Valentine's Day from its list of holidays to celebrate."

Dumbledore looked rather surprised. He arched a brow and asked questioningly, "Oh?"

"Yes," Hermione interjected, although she was rather pleased at the way Malfoy had spoken. Professional, literary even. She did love when people talked in such a manner. It was so…nice. "We think that it is a highly distracting day for everyone."

Malfoy took the stand next. "Hermione is absolutely right. Not only does the day distract us from our ultimate academic goal its also a very bad opportunity for mingling with our peers. It is highly unorganized and extremely chaotic. Not to mention that these elves are positively annoying. The day is girly and freakish, and neither Hermione and I feel it half as necessary as…say, a Reading Day or something. This horrid day is the most fo—"

Hermione sensed it was time to cut him off. "Yes, Professor," she chimed in hurriedly, effectively ending his little rant, "We think that because of the fact that it is so unorganized. We are not the only ones who believe this, either. There are teachers in this school who believe that this nonsense should be cut off. Why, dear Professor Snape is not fond of this day at all. And Professor McGonagall has looked far from pleased. Even Professor Flitwick has noticed the noise level and the incredible dysfunction such a day has caused."

Hermione finished up and looked over at Malfoy, who was staring back at her. Please let the plan work, Hermione prayed. Oh, please. The silence was as usual deafening as Dumbledore stared at the two of them. Finally, with a small chuckle, he began to speak. "So you two find this day the most 'vulgar and horrid' thing in existence?"

Hermione blushed but Malfoy didn't seem to care. "Absolutely," he said, without the blink of an eye.

The Professor inhaled sharply but the twinkle never left his eye. Hermione thought he must regard the whole thing as a joke.

Two minutes later, as they were both leaving the office, grim-faced and on the verge of hexing each other from sheer frustration, Hermione was positive. The second they had gotten out of his hearing distance Malfoy exploded.

"I can't believe it!" he said unhappily, looking over at her. She clucked sympathetically.

"I completely agree," she replied vehemently, "I don't see how he could do that!"


Hermione nodded, looking at him forlornly. "I know. A stupid ball for goodness sake. A Valentine's Day ball? Whoever heard of such a stupid, stupid, stupid thing?"

But she never got to hear Malfoy's response because at that moment she had bumped smack dab into the walls of the corridor. She fell to the ground, dizzy and probably with a nasty bruise on her head, and as she fell, her hand brushed against something…some stupid piece of dirt or something…shaped like a heart. Whole day was out to get her, goddamn it…

She hit the ground with a "thunk!" and the next thing she knew Malfoy had knelt down next to her and was looking at her, squinting in what seemed to be concern. You really never could tell with Draco Malfoy.

"You okay?" he asked.

She nodded. "Fine, just fine. Heh, heh, clumsy little me."

Malfoy grinned. "That you are. Hey, maybe you can play dead or something. Then nobody will organize a ball and all will be well in the world!"

She smacked him across the head and marveled when her hand came in contact with some very soft hair. Nice…she wished she could steal it. Ah well, never mind. He was the world's biggest prick, after all. If his only redeeming qualities were his soft hair and his hatred of Valentine's Day that didn't make him all that special. But still, he liked books. And reading. And studying. And he was literary. And he did look good when he wore his reading glasses. And he had been tolerable this year, even amicable. Shaking her head, she looked at her finger, where that stupid piece of dirt/paper like thing was sticking. Rubbing her finger against the ground, she dumped it off and stared back up at him. "That's a silly idea,"  she said. "How about we just give this task to Lavender and Parvati?"

He contemplated. "And we won't have to do any of the work! I like your thinking, Miss Granger. Very Slytherin-esque."

She grinned. "Shall we find them, then?"

"Definitely, but I think we're going to have to go into the foray of Valen-hell," he said, pouting. She stepped back a few steps, not wanting to look at him anymore. Damn feelings! When had they come up? It must have been Dumbledore's awful idea fuddling with her brain. Yes. That was what it was.


Draco couldn't help but notice Hermione's wit. Now he really did like when people were witty. For example, there was Weasley. Weasley couldn't see wit if it danced wearing nothing but frosting in front of him. Weasley was just, "Let's beat him up!", whereas Granger—Hermione, he supposed (what was this sudden urge to say her name?) could come up with insults better than any other girl he knew. Hell, better than any other person he knew. Interesting. Odd how he hadn't noticed it before—even though this year the bickering had almost fallen under 'friendly'.

The two of them ran wild through the already wild school, screening the crowds for Lavender and/or Parvati. It didn't matter who; the other would know quite telepathically if they told just one. Finally they found Lavender, albeit in a very compromising situation.

Aforementioned situation was 'snogging the hell out of Potter'. Holding the raucous laughter Draco knew was about to spill from his mouth any second, he turned to Hermione and pointed in their direction (they were in an empty corridor).

She looked and then looked away quicker than you could say "disgusting". "Ooh, well…I don't really want to go, um, tell Lavender when she's doing that!"

He looked at them, observing just the same way he would observe, say, the pudding after dinner. "I didn't even know you could do that," he exclaimed. "They are flexible!"

"Draco," Hermione said fiercely, "shut up!"

He smirked. It was fun irking her like this. She was so chaste, so innocent, so… Hermione. A breed of her own, even… he'd never met a girl like her. "You should interrupt them," he said casually. "They look like they could use a break."

"Draco," she chided unhappily, "let's get out of here. Let's find Parvati instead."

He shrugged. "Whatever floats your boat. I sure wouldn't mind interrupting Potter. Think of his expression!"

"Exactly!" she screeched discreetly. Pulling his hand she led him out of the corridor, leaving behind the oblivious Lavender and Harry, who seemed to be trying out the entire Kama Sutra.

They entered the Great Hall, where cakes and cookies lay out for anyone who wanted some. Some people were congregated in front of a massive cockroach cluster cake, although only Crabbe and Goyle were eating it. Draco scared the crowd away with an evil Slytherin glare, and as everyone scampered, the two of them looked around a bit to see if Parvati was among them. Damn it, she was not.

Draco looked over at Hermione, who was looking at the giant cockroach cluster cake with repulsion and disdain. "Want some?" he teased, reaching over and grabbing a piece. As unappetizing as it was, she looked at him and deadpanned, "Only if you'll try it first."

"Deal," he said easily, and slid the nasty thing, cockroaches and all, down his throat. He swallowed and grabbed a cookie off the table to disguise the disgusting taste. She made a face and looked rather worried but reached over and with shaky hands took her own piece as well. "I'm waiting," he said, grinning, wondering if she'd be able to do it.

She held it up to her mouth, almost quaking in fear, and shoved it down so fast Draco was actually surprised. Not even chewing, she swallowed the thing whole, and then ran towards the cookies and crammed a couple in her mouth.

Draco waited until she could talk again, and then raised an eyebrow in inquiry.

"I told you," she said haughtily. "I'd never back down."

"True Gryffindor spirit," he drawled slowly, and then actually grinned.

The two of them walked amicably throughout the building, coming across many not-wanting-to-be-disturbed couples. It was disheartening, aggravating, and absolutely drove Draco up the wall. Couldn't they bloody get a room? Was it that hard?

Yes. It was. Every "empty" corridor had some shagging couple hidden in it. Although none were as flexible as Lavender and Potter had been, he supposed.

Apparently Hermione was wondering the same thing. "Wonder how they got so flexible?" she wondered out loud, just as they were passing through a miraculously empty classroom, in hopes of spotting Parvati.

"Want to find out?" he asked, and although somewhere in his brain he heard the words "Where in sweet Merlin did that come from?" the next thing he'd done was press his lips against hers.


Hermione was stiff. What was the meaning of this? One moment she was maybe, just maybe flirting with Malfoy (Draco, actually, and no, Hermione didn't flirt, it must've been something else) And next thing she knew he was kissing her! Kissing! On Valentine's Day! She'd never been kissed before, and to have it on Valentine's Day…eagerly she melted into the kiss, the new sensation delightful and unexplored. His hands snaked around her back and vice versa, and they pulled apart slowly when Hermione had decided she was going to die from lack of air.

"What was tha--?" she began, but was unfortunately cut off as Draco attacked her with yet another kiss.

This time it wasn't so innocent. Tongues were useful for a little more than its general food properties, she discovered. Something went off in the back of her brain, screaming "it's only pheromones! That's why this feels so good! It's a chemical imbalance! Chemical imbalance! Chemical imbalance alert!" Effectively she tuned it out and melted into what she was doing right now. Who cared if it was a chemical imbalance, right now she was getting some experience…and it was amazing.

Had she ever hated Valentine's Day? No, never! It was the most beautiful, wonderful, breathtaking day in existence. Surely Draco felt the same way; they both were so in tune with this marvelous and gorgeous day. And hey, snogging in odd positions wasn't that hard after all! Although of course Lavender and Harry could do it loads better.

A good seven minutes later, when they'd decided they'd had enough, Hermione felt a custom-made blush come along to the point where even her ears were glowing red with embarrassment. "Don't tell anyone," she whispered to Draco.

Draco apparently hadn't even thought of that. "I would not," he said. "Hey…you're not so bad. Was that the first time you kissed someone?"

Blushing even redder now, she nodded.

He laughed. "How romantic, your first kiss on Valentine's Day!" he said sarcastically, but with good humor. "To make the package complete how about you come with me to the ball tonight."

She looked at him in amazement. A date? A date with Draco Malfoy? A date with the first guy she kissed?

Hell, why not. He was one of the better single-status boys at Hogwarts, and he liked to read. It was a done deal. "Like on a date?" she whispered. He nodded. "Okay," she said, and was shocked when he linked her arm through his.

"Shall we find Parvati now?" he asked, and she nodded, her brain permanently set in a chemical imbalance.

From up above in blue skies, Cupid, Jr. was peering down at the forms of a certain Mr. Malfoy and Miss Granger. "Perfect," he squealed to himself. "Absolutely perfect! My arrows were straight on!" He recalled the so called 'accidents with dirt hearts' that both of them had had, and clapped his hands together gleefully. And then, all he'd had to do was make them realize how perfect they were for each other. Hand-and-glove, he mused.

With a small booty dance, he called his dad on his new hi-tech Lurrve Phone. "Guess what, dad," he began, "you're going to be awfully proud of me…"

A/N: So, what did you think ... remember, this story will NEVER be updated. It is a one-shot; was for D/Hr fic exchange.