This is completely random, mocking, nasty and nonsensical. I am very sorry. Please excuse any mistake made when referring to parts of a ship, etc. This is a work of parody after all.

Disclaimer: I do not own The Pirates of the Caribbean.


Somewhere in the middle of the sea, Commodore James Norrington, Captain Jack Sparrow, Pirate-cum-Blacksmith William Turner and Captain [insert appropriately dastardly name here] Barbossa sat in a jolly boat. They were all bored stiff. Except for Barbossa, who already was a stiff.

"I'm bored!" Barbossa whined (so I'm wrong, he WAS bored stiff…), picking at the fungus in his teeth and scratching at the bones of his ribcage.

Norrington, who had been dubbed oarsman on account of his time spent in the Cambridge University rowing team, hefted one of the oars up and thwapped Barbossa on the back of the head. Which flew off to get stuck in Jack's hair.

Jack disentangled himself and passed Barbossa his head back distastefully. "You know mates, I think we should play a game."

Will groaned. "I am NOT going to play 'Pin the Moustache on the Will' AGAIN Jack. Give my upper lip some time to recover, please!"

Jack winked at him. "No, not that game. Let's play the Pirate Euphemism Game. What you've got to do is…"


Two hours later, the little jolly boat snuck up against the side of a large pirate ship and the four conspirators crept on board, sneaking to their places on the ship. Will stole along the deck to stand next to the captain of the ship.

"Aye, avast ye, and batten down the hatches!" the leering, ugly, one-eyed, three-legged pirate captain snarled in a nautical way, to no one in particular.

Will stood and turned to him, fluttering his eyelashes. "Oh, I'll batten down your hatches!"

The pirate blinked his good eye, confused, and shrugged. Completely oblivious to the fact Will was a complete stranger; he then strode off down the deck, leaving Will to be all pouty and soulful at the wheel. He began to yell more nautical sounding orders to his nautically inclined crew. "Man the tops'l! Brace the mains'l!"

As he neared the mainmast, Jack suddenly popped up for no apparent reason and winked his spirited, kohl-lined eyes at the other pirate coquettishly. "Oh, I'll man your tops'l!"

On cue, Norrington swung down from the crow's nest, having knocked out the pirate he'd met there when he climbed up. "No fair, Jack," he complained, glaring at his supposed arch-nemesis.

Jack flashed the Commodore a golden grin. "You, James love, can brace his mains'l."

The Commodore grinned back just as cheekily, his stormy green-grey eyes lighting up. "Oh goody!"

The pirate they were discussing, meanwhile, had run off to the galley and was leaning his back against the wall, shaking his head in disbelief. "Well, shiver my timbers…" he murmured.

A sultry voice came out of the gloom. "Oh, I'll shiver your timbers!" The late Captain Barbossa stepped forwards out of his convenient dark corner and leered at the random pirate. Who screamed and ran away to throw himself overboard.

Some time later in their little jolly boat Norrington, Will, Jack and Barbossa were discussing the merits of the game they had just played and got away with.

"Well, I must say, that was jolly good fun," Will said, carefully petting at his hair so it cams loose and hung around his face in a strangely attractive way.

Jack grinned, showing off his gold teeth, and rubbed his hands together briskly. "So, mates," he said, his handsome sharp face alight with mischief. "What next?"


Actually, the Pirate Euphemism Game is an invention of my brother's and my friends and I play it a lot. Feel free to try it out!