Gollum the Priest

Kind of inspired by the story "Gollum the Psychiatrist" by ElvishJedi. Gollum becomes a priest. Not the kind in the newspapers, just a regular priest. Well, a Gollum priest.

_ _ _ _ _ _

Gollum fits himself with some black robes and a white collar piece. Gollum puts a cross around his neck and goes to sit in a confessional.

A man comes in. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." says the man.

"What isss iitt??" asks Gollum.

"I shot somebody." says the man.

"Say thirty hail marysss..." says Gollum, sounding bored. "Uh, but..." says the man. "NEXT!!" says Gollum.

A woman walks into the confessional.

"Bless me, Fa--" says the woman. "YESS??! YESS?! Gets to it!!" says Gollum.

"O-ok...I, well, I've been having alot of impure thoughts lately and I just think my libido is going crazy and I need help..." says the woman. "Come over here." says Gollum. "What?" says the woman. "Come here and Gollum will release you from misery..." says Gollum. "Wh-what are you saying?" says the woman. Gollum starts slobbering and drooling "seductively" and licking the little window that seperates them.

The woman comes out of her side of the confessional, goes around to the other side, opens the door and bitch-slaps Gollum across the face. She walks away.

Slowly, Gollum closes the door, spitting out another tooth.

"NEXT!" he says.

Another man comes into the confessional. "Oh, man. I gots problems, Father." says the man. "What's is it, Precious?" says Gollum. "Well, you see, it's my neighbor. He said he was gonna trim his tree so it wouldn't be growing over in my yard anymore, but he didn't, and then we got into this huge argument, and I called him alot of really bad things..." says the man. "SO!?" says Gollum.

"Oh, well...I thought that was a sin or something...but I'm not done. You see, after that, I was still so pissed off that I slashed his tires one night. He doesn't know it was me." says the man.

"SO FRIGGING WHAT?!" snarls Gollum, growing more and more impatient.

"Well...Geez...I, I mean, alright, well, there's more. After that I still thought he should pay, so I, uh, screwed his wife." said the man, and he broke down sobbing. "Oooh, now we're getting to the goooood stuuuufff..." says Gollum. "WHAT?!" says the man. "Tell us everything, yesssss...." says Gollum. "You little pervert. Are you even really a priest?!" snarls the man. "Why does the man dare to insult us?!" asks Gollum, offended. "Well, you talk like some horny punk, you sound like a cross between Donald Duck and Eric Cartman and from what I can see, you look like a damn mutant. Now, what's going on?!" says the man.

"Gollum is ANGRY!!" snarls Gollum, bursting out of his side of the confessional.

Gollum throws open the other door and grabs the man, ripping into his flesh. Gollum sinks his teeth into the man's neck.

"SMEAGOL!! SMEAGOL, NO!!!" cries some other guy in the church, another priest or a parishnor or pastor or something. THe guy comes over and tries to pull Gollum away.

"GOD DAMN IT, SMEAGOL!! When I gave you this job, you said you were going to be on your best behavior!! I thought you were gonna make a good priest!!" says the guy.

"Oooh, right. Smeagol is sorry." says Gollum, letting go of the guy in the confessional. The guy runs away, bleeding and yelling.

"Damn it, Smeagol if you're gonna be a priest here, you have to do your job." scolds the other guy. "Yesss...we swears to do our job...We shall do it well..." says Gollum, looking down. He gets back in his side of the confessional.

A little while later, somebody else comes in. He sits down in the confessional. "Yesss, my son?" says Gollum. The man swallows nervously. "Well, you see, Father, I been having all these thoughts about my friend. Er, impure thoughts, you know..." says the man. "Yeess? I mean, go on, child." says Gollum.

"Well, ya see, another thing about it is...he's a guy." says the man.

Gollum peers through the little window at the man sitting next to him.

"Ssoo...you likes this fellooww...?" says Gollum.

"I dream about him every night...about kissin' him...and whatnot...even marrying him." says the man.

"Well, you look like a homo to me." says Gollum.

"Eek--You, you're saying I'm gay?" says the man. "Yess, Precious, GAY!! And its will burn it hell, it will. Its also got a big old gut on it, its guilty of GLUTTONY!!" says Gollum.

"Hey, now, you don't have to get offensive! That's not the appropriate way to talk to me in here..." says the man.

"Its a homo fatso, it is, double sinned, and it shall burn in the 9th level of hell! Yess, BURN, Precious!!" snarls Gollum.

The man breaks down crying. "Also its STUPID and that is a sssin, too, I bet you didn't know that." says Gollum. The man suddenly stops crying. "Wait a minute.......I know that voice!! YOU LITTLE STINKER!!" says Sam, bursting out of his side of the confessional. He yanks open the door. Rage and surprise are written on his face.

"What are you doing in church?!" Sam demands.

"Nooo!! Noo, don't hurt Smeagol!!" says Gollum.

"Wait a second, hold on, is there a problem here?!" says the head priest or whoever that other guy is, running over.

"How the hell did you get a priest's clothes?!" says Sam.

"Please, please, sir, what seems to be the issue?" says the head priest.

"This foul, filthy creature is defiling a house of worship! He mocks a priest's outfit!" says Sam.

"This is Father Smeagol..." says the head priest. "*Father Smeagol*??" asks Sam, utterly confused.

"Smeagol came in and convinced me he was devoted to the Lord." says the head priest.

"How'd he do that, by kissing a rosary?!" says Sam. "Well...yes." says the head priest. "Father, with all do respect, what kind of a church is this?! I was raised ta be a religious man and this ain't like no church I ever been in..." says Sam.

"HE LIES!! He's a homo freak!! Nyah, nyah!!" says Gollum. "You little bastard, that's supposed to be a secret! You betrayed my trust! I'm gonna kill you once and for all!" says Sam. He lunges at Gollum.

"Please, please! Look, this is a house of GOD!!" says the head priest. "Then why is the ungoldy employed here!" says Sam, still torn between anger and bewilderment.

"Alright, alright...Smeagol...I'm gonna have to let you go. You just aren't able to do your job." says the head priest.

"Noooooooo!! We wanted more than anything to do this job....Pleeassee..." sobs Gollum, throwing himself on the floor.

"I'm sorry, Gollum. People are fleeing the church because of your behaviour, and I just can't keep you on." says the priest. "Fine...we'll go...we'll go...We gives up..." sobs Gollum, leaving.

"So." says Sam, to the head priest. "Got any of that body of Christ bread and wine?" says Sam. "Yes, over here." says the head priest.

That night...

A couple is going into the church for worship when Gollum springs down from the roof, roaring at them. "I AM A DEMON!! This church is posessed!! ROOAARR!!" says Gollum.

Gollum laughs madly to himself as the couple flees.

After a little while of nobody showing up for the service, the head priest walks outside. "Where IS everybody?" he says. He hears someone snickering above him.

"S...Smeagol! What are you doing here?!" says the head priest. "I'm here to destroy your church! If I can't work here, then nobody will ever come here!" says Gollum.

"Smeagol, if you don't get out of here, I'm going to make you pay!" says the head priest. "Oooh, we are terrified..." says Gollum.

The head priest looks angry and he goes back inside.

Gollum has scared away some more people, when suddenly the head priest bursts out of the church with a net. He catches Gollum quickly and Gollum begins thrashing around wildly and screaming.

"Now I've got you, you little bastard." says the head priest. He seals the net, because it's a net that closes, and then he takes Gollum back inside.

The head priest, who's name is Antonio, dumps Gollum into a cage and locks it. "It looks like you can be a part of the church after all, Smeagol." says Antonio.


"Ladies and gentlemen, people of the church..." says the head priest or whatever the hell he is (he gives surmans), as he stands in front of the now somewhat full church.

"Tonight I want to show you something new, I want to show you what can happen to you when you stray from the church and follow the path of Satan away from God...You can become like this." says the head priest, rolling the cage out so everyone can see Gollum.

Gollum snarls and thrashes inside the cage. "This is what happens when a soul gets too lost. Look at it, do you want this to be your future? He's practically a demon, now. You've been told creatures like this don't exist, but they do. This is what evil does to you, so stay true, my flock, stay steady." says the head priest.

The audience is greatly impressed by Gollum's appearance, and the church starts packing them in every night. Gollum is pissed off at first, but eventually he revels in the attention and loves hamming it up. He lives in the church and the head priest starts paying him for his new job.

The end.