Summary: Season 6 Btvs sometime after Smashed and before As You Were. B/S but not in a happy way. Thanks to Chrislee for the fantastic lyrics!

Feedback: Yes please!

Distribution: Want, take, have, just tell me so I can gloat.

Rating: R

I wake up in Spike's bed again and I hate myself for it. At least it's an emotion, it's not numbness. Most of the time I can't seem to find out what I feel but with Spike there's a lot of self hate and pain. He likes to bring me down to his level. He likes to make me feel dirty and I let him, because it's feeling something.

I get out of bed and dress silently. The bastard tore my shirt, again. It doesn't do any good to bitch at him over it. In fact, I think it encourages him. I shrug on my jacket and leave without saying anything to Spike. If I hurry home I can make it before Dawnie wakes up for school.


I step under the scalding hot water and let it run over my body. I close my eyes and imagine the dirt it must be washing away, burning away. Its dirt no one sees. It's dirt from the grave, dirt from the world and dirt from Spike and the things I've done with him and it can never really be washed away, no matter how hot the water is, no matter how strong the soap is, no matter how hard I scrub.

I get out of the shower and don't bother to wipe the steam off the mirror. I don't know the girl in there anymore and staring at her isn't going to let me know her better. I wander into my room. Today is bill day. I shuffle through my nightstand trying to locate all the bills. I'm disorganized about them and they end up all over the house. I know Mom wasn't this way. Everything had its place and everything in its place. I'm learning more and more, I'm not Mom.

I grab a handful of papers out of the nightstand and stand up to carry them down to the kitchen table where the rest of the bills are. I always do them there. I guess it's because that's where Mom did the bills. I'm not paying attention and I bump my shoulder on the doorframe, spilling all the papers out of my hand. They scatter across the carpet. I sigh and squat down to gather them up. One piece catches my eye. It's a photograph of Angel and me on prom night. Willow took it at some point. There is a dry ache in my throat and I'm surprised when I realize its tears. I can taste the salt in my mouth. I bite my tongue until I can taste blood. If I start crying now I will never stop. Without thinking I rip the photo in half. Once I start its like crying, I can't stop. I rip every shred of paper on the floor and then sit down hard on the carpet, surrounded by ripped up parts of things I should do, bills I should pay, photographs I should put into albums, letters I should respond to.

I get up, leaving the shredded paper where it is. It doesn't matter, no one is going to walk in and tell me to clean it up. No one is going to care if the house falls down around our ears. As long as I keep slaying and keep smiling everyone is happy. I leap over the stair railing, landing in a graceful slayer crouch. I push to my feet and run as hard as I can. I run until I'm out of breath. I run until my chest is burning and my legs ache. In the end, it doesn't help. It's just physical pain and therefore temporary, like everything else in this life it fades away. It's addictive though especially when everything else is numb.

My feet find their own way just as they always do and I'm standing before his crypt. I don't knock. Knocking is for polite civilized people. The things that go on in this crypt aren't civilized or polite in anyway. Spike jerks awake when I slam the door open. He's still lying naked in the bed where I left him hours ago. I don't say hello or good morning. I push him back on the bed. "Fuck me and if you rip my fucking shirt again I'll tear your head off."

"Then I suggest you take it off, Slayer." Spike says.

I sigh and stand up. I remove my clothing as casually and disaffected as if I were at a doctor's office. I fold my things and set them on a chair before crawling into Spike's bed. I close my eyes as he begins to kiss me. His kisses are not tender or sweet or gentle. His goal is to bruise my mouth, my lips. He bites my lip and I taste blood. His hands slide over my body. Cool hands, cool lips, cool skin against my own fevered skin. It's not the skin I want or the lips and hands I want but if I close my eyes tightly I can pretend. I can let myself go for just a few seconds and pretend I'm seventeen all over again.

Spike's lips wander down the column of my neck. He pauses near my mark. I growl "Get the fuck away from there." He snarls at me but does as I say. He knows that is the one place on my body he is absolutely forbidden to kiss, every once in awhile when I have my eyes closed he pushes me. I guess he thinks I'll get so lost in my memories that I'll imagine for a second he's Angel. It won't ever happen. No matter how hard he tries he will never be Angel.

I wrap my legs around his waist and try to lose myself again. Spike slaps me hard across the face. My eyes fly open.

"Look at me Slayer. I want you to know you're fucking me, not my Sire." His voice has a hard, mean edge to it. He gets this way sometimes. Especially if I have to remind him to leave Angel's mark alone.

"I could never pretend I'm with Angel when I'm fucking you Spike, no matter how bad I want to, eyes opened or closed." And it's the truth. I wish I could. I wish I could lose myself in Spike, in memories. Fuck, I wish I could lose myself in anything.

When we're finished I shove Spike off of me and get up to get dressed. I start out the door and Spike laughs cruelly. "Nice drive by fuck Slayer, come back anytime."

I slam the door and walk back to the house. The first thing I do is strip my clothes off and throw them in the washing machine. They are dirty, contaminated just like me. Then I get into a shower so hot I can hardly stand it. I scrub my skin until it's raw. I use half a bottle of shampoo trying to get my hair clean, just like my skin, it will never be clean. I get out of the shower and swipe my hand across the mirror. I stare at the reflection of the girl there that I don't know anymore.

Live a Lie By Default I can't seem to find out what i feel

Burned out dreams of others which i can steal

Take or leave this way i seem to you, it eats right through you

Ripped up parts of things i should do, i'll run around and tell you screaming

Oh i live a lie, oh i live a lie, oh why even try

I've been leaving thoughts below

Still i feel i should know

Still don't see much of me giving in

Much too strong to live outside these sins

Feeling like i'm taken lightly, think you see right through me

Words of those that still despise me, think it's eating me you're dreaming

Oh i live a lie, oh i live a lie, oh why even try

I've been leaving thoughts below

Still i feel i should know

When i seem to believe all that i've done wrong

You can take all that's right i will still move on

Taken all i can give it seems that i don't belong

Push me further from this go on

Oh i live a lie, oh i live a lie, oh why even try

I've been leaving thoughts below

Still i feel i should know