Author's Note and Disclaimer: Actually, I think parodies are legal, but since everybody's in character some of the time, I don't own the Harry Potter characters. Oh, and I don't own Dr. Sloth either, luckily. And as a PR disclaimer, I'm not trying to make fun of anyone is particular, I swear. I've read some really really good fics that use some of these plotlines… It's just that everybody uses them and that gets annoying.

Besides, if you read my masked ball fic, you'll see a whole lot of this junk in there. (Twisted advertising. Kinda like that magician guy- David Blaine?)

The-Gorgies-Who-Did-Not-Live: The Canned and Condensed Version

DIRECTOR: Hello, hello, welcome to our show. Today we are featuring the story of Harry Potter's parents- Lily and James Potter!

LILY: EVANS! EVANS! I don't go for the whole sexist take-the-guy's-last-name thing! MY LAST NAME IS EVANS.

PETUNIA: That's exactly why I'm changing mine to Dursley.

DIRECTOR: Petunia, get out of the intro! You don't like us, remember?

PETUNIA: Oh yeah.

Petunia leaves

DIRECTOR: [checks script] By the way, Lily, you DO go for the whole sexist take-the-guy's-last-name thing because everything about Jamsie makes you absolutely weak in the knees, remember?

JAMES: [does a little dance] Go Jamsie, it's my birthday, we're gonna party like it's my birthday, we're gonna party like it's my birthday cuz we don't give a-

DIRECTOR: OKAY! Lily, got it?

LILY: [scowls] Fine. You know, I better be getting BIG bucks for this!

DIRECTOR: Actually, you don't have to worry about that because you're family's super-rich and even if they weren't, James' dad is always the Minister of Magic.

JAMES: What? Why didn't anyone tell me that?

SIRIUS: [bounces in] Everybody knew that! Harold Potter, famous auror, Minister of Magic, very targeted, whatever. What's my part? Huh? Huh?

DIRECTOR: Terribly sorry Sirius, this isn't one of your absolutely-crazy-and-hilarious-hyper-kid roles. This one is… [Checks script] sensitive?

SIRIUS: SENSITIVE??? Noooooooo!!!!!!! I can't be sensitive!!!! Being sensitive means [sniffs] having… sense!!! Noooo!!! Please don't do this to me!

DIRECTOR: [grins evilly] Oh look, there's more. You're also caring, loving, gentle, kind, patient, nice… [Turns page] Oh wait, sorry, I think that was James'. [Turns page again.] Oh, nope, that was Remus'. [Turns a different page] Oh, look at that! They're all the same! Except… [Checks footnote] Oh, you get to be the slutty guy.

SIRIUS: Does that mean…. DITZY FANGIRLS???? YAY!!!!!!!!! [Runs around the room cackling delightedly.]

Scene 1: Muggle Neighborhood, inside the Evans home

An owl swoops inside an open window. A blonde girl shrieks, while a smaller redheaded girl holds out her arm.

YOUNG LILY: Come here, you adorable thing! Aw, it's so CUTE!

The owl drops a letter into Lily's hand and leaves.

YOUNG LILY: [glances at the letter] Mum! It's for me!

MRS. EVANS: What does it say, dear?

YOUNG LILY: [Opens the letter] Welcome to the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry… What does that mean?

MRS. EVANS: Oh Lily! You must be a witch! My great-grandmother was a very powerful witch and you must have inherited her power! We must go to Diagon Alley right away!

YOUNG REMUS: [frowns] Will somebody go look up "muggleborn"?

YOUNG LILY: Uh, what are you doing here?

YOUNG REMUS: I'm your neighbor, duh. And now I'm about to tell you all about the wizarding world and become one of your closest friends at Hogwarts.


YOUNG PETUNIA: I hate you Lily! That hot guy is your friend! You suck! I'm never speaking to you again!

YOUNG LILY: [looks shocked] But Petty! We're best friends forever!

YOUNG PETUNIA: Not anymore!


MRS. EVANS: Now Petunia, be nice to your—

Suddenly, DR.SLOTH appears and blasts Mrs. Evans with his evil ray. Mrs. Evans immediately turns into a MUTANT MRS. EVANS!

MUTANT MRS. EVANS: [growls] I hate you Lily! I'm jealous because you're prettier than Petunia and me! I hate all things magic! I'm going to slap you and beat you and poison you!

YOUNG LILY: (rather sarcastically) I'm petrified!

The Mutant Mrs. Evans goes to slap Lily and misses, due to the fact that she is also an alcoholic.

MUTANT MRS. EVANS: (weakly) On second thought, maybe I'll get your father to do it.

YOUNG REMUS: [yawns] Hey Lils, you wanna bust out now or wait a couple years so James can rescue you?

Scene 2: Diagon Alley

MR. OLLIVANDER: Here you are, Ms. Evans. Nice, swishy willow, perfect for charm work. I'll also give you this special pet rock that has special powers!

YOUNG LILY: Why, thank you Mr. Ollivander! I can't wait to use my new wand and my new rock!

Lily skips out into the sunlight, where she sees a brunette about her age.

YOUNG LILY: Hello, what's your name?

YOUNG OC: Hi, I'm OC! Are you a first-year too?

YOUNG LILY: Why, yes, I am! I'm muggleborn.

YOUNG OC: Wow, me too! Let's go get some ice cream!


At the ice cream parlor, they meet a blonde who is also a first year.

YOUNG OC2: (shyly) Hi guys.


YOUNG LILY: Let's all be best friends forever!


Scene 3: King's Cross Station

Mrs. Evans has taken a Normal Mrs. Evans potion and has now reverted to her extraordinarily nice self. The whole family is gathered at the station, looking for Platform Nine and Three-Quarters

YOUNG LILY: [reading her ticket] Mum, how do we get on the Platform?

MRS. EVANS: I don't know.

YOUNG OC: [walks up] Hi Lily! Do you need help getting on the platform?

YOUNG LILY: Um, yeah.

MRS. EVANS: Bye sweetheart! I'll see you for the Christmas holiday!

MR. EVANS: Bye darling!


Lily looks sad for a moment, but is distracted by OC2's arrival.

They get on the train and miraculously find an empty compartment. A greasy haired boy enters.

YOUNG SNAPE: Hullo, who're you?

YOUNG LILY: Hi, my name is Lily Evans.

YOUNG OC: Hi, my name is OC.

YOUNG OC2: Hi, I'm OC2.

YOUNG LILY: Are you a first-year too?

YOUNG SNAPE: Yes. I already know all of the curriculum.

YOUNG LILY: Er… that's nice. I don't really know anything because I'm muggleborn-

YOUNG SNAPE: Oh, you're a—a—

DIRECTOR: [whispers loudly] MUDBLOOD!

The compartment door opens, and James and Sirius enter.


DIRECTOR: [points at Young Snape] It was he!

YOUNG JAMES: [gasps] You are a BAD person!


YOUNG JAMES: Because I said so!

YOUNG SIRIUS: Because he said so!

James punches Snape, giving him a bloody nose. The girls gasp and squeal.

YOUNG JAMES: Look Lily, I saved you! So now you have to kiss my feet!



YOUNG LILY: NO! I'm not your slave! You are a bigheaded insufferable very annoying prat! I'm going to hate you for the rest of my life POTTER!

Lily stalks out of the compartment. OC and OC2 follow, glaring at the boys.

Scene Four: Hogwarts

The train stops and the first years are led to the boats.

YOUNG JAMES: Look Sirius, Lily is on our boat. Let's play a trick on her!


YOUNG REMUS (who doesn't really arrive until later but has magically become friends with them anyway): That's not very nice.

Peter acts invisible because he really is, at this point.

James pushes Lily into the lake.


YOUNG SIRIUS: You already said that.

DIRECTOR: Shh. We're trying to help the skimmers here.

HAGRID: Here Lily, take my coat.

YOUNG LILY: Why, thank you! Let's be friends from now on and I'll always visit you!


They enter the Great Hall. Lily, James, Sirius, Remus, Peter, OC, OC2, and the Ditzy Dorm Girls are sorted into Gryffindor. Snape, Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, Macnair, Avery, Rosier, Lestrange, Bellatrix Black, Narcissa Black, and other assorted Death Eaters who all happen to be in the same year are sorted into Slytherin. Amos Diggory, Ludo Bagman, Gilderoy Lockhart, and the Ditzy Fangirls are sorted into Hufflepuff. An evil girl who is not quite evil enough for Slytherin is sorted into Ravenclaw.

Dumbledore makes the beginning of the year speech and they all dig in.