Weiß Kreuz Glücose

By ArtikGato

Disclaimer: I don't own Weiß Kreuz or Weiß Kreuz Glühen.

Author's Notes: Read and beware. This is a disturbing parody thought up in my most extreme moments of boredom/insanity. Massive Out Of Characterness for everyone. Crawford gets bashed. Muchly.

Weiß Kreuz Glücose

Chapter One: Fraüghnauterein: A Ballerina Outfit Is Sexy on A Man

(Okies, I don't know what the heck that means, if it's even a WORD, but oh well...)

            One fine day, everyone's favorite psychopathic Irish guy obsessed with knives and hurting God, Lord Farfie-chan, was hanging upside down from the ceiling in his padded cell, playing the violin.

            "I feel pretty," he said, momentarily stopping the violin music to inform no-one of that enlightening bit of information. Before he could start playing again, he heard someone singing, faintly, from outside of his padded cell. The sound got louder, indicating it's source was moving closer and closer toward the door of Farfie's cell, the only part that wasn't padded.

            "Goodbye my Mars, I SHOT YOUR PIGS!! Goodbye strange fruits..." the voice sang. The singer stopped his melody to unlock the door to Farfie's cell, and then burst into the room dramatically, and sang "BRAAAEEEEZZZEEE WIZZZZ MEEEEEE!!!" Farfie-chan chucked his violin at Schuldig, everyone's favorite orange-haired German psychopath, if nothing to hurt God and stop him from continuing with Spiritualized. Schu looked disappointed.

            "Farfie, how many times have I told you that Spiritualized hurts God?" Schu asked him.

            "But it hurts me too!" Farfie snarled at him, picking up his violin to continue playing (he was no longer hanging upside-down from the ceiling).    

            "Schu-schu-chan, what did we say about singing Spiritualized anywhere within a twenty-block radius of me?" came an annoying voice from behind Schu, who stepped foreward and materialized into the much hated stuck up annoying American prick, Brad Crawford. Before Crawford could say something about "don't think about trying to read my mind, I foresaw that you would," to Schuldig, Farfina, Warrior Princess, launched himself at Brad, skewering him on one of his many retractable knives. Sadly, because life isn't fair, Crawford would revive the next day to continue his spree of annoyingness. Oh well, you tried, didn't you Farfina?

            Suddenly, Nagi teleported in-

            "Since when can you TELEPORT?!" Schuldig demanded of the youngest Schwarz member, envious of yet another power he didn't have. The authoress sighed, and deleted the previous sentence.

            Suddenly, Nagi FLOATED in-

            "Wrong! Nagi CANNOT float OR teleport!"

            The authoress contemplated murdering Schuldig, but decided not to, because he's spiffycool and looks just like Yohji in a few manga-ish pictures she'd seen. Okay, that had nothing to do with anything, but I just felt like saying it. So anyway, the authoress deleted the last sentence AGAIN.

            Suddenly, Nagi WALKED into the room like a NORMAL person would!     

            "What's all the commotion in-" he asked, but tripped over Crawford's carcass. Instead of falling to the bloody floor, he twisted in the air and did a backflip and all this cool kind of gymnastics-ey stuff that NORMAL people can do, SCHULDIG, to get away from it. He landed next to Farfie, who didn't notice.

            "Did you kill him AGAIN?!" Nagi asked. Farfie simply nodded. Nagi sighed, leaving through ANOTHER door that I conveniently forgot to mention before, to add another mark to the tally that he kept in his room. If he ever took the time to actually COUNT that tally, he would see that Farfie, Schuldig, or Nagi himself had killed Crawford 10149520395393 and 1/2 times. Well, actually, he could now say that they had killed the American prick 10149520395394 and 1/2 times. But who was counting? ...Nagi... OH SHUT UP!!

MEANWHILE, across town, Weiß and Aya-chan were being spiffycool in their flowershop. Well, actually, they were all severely out of character, so they actually WEREN'T being spiffycool. Except for Yohji, because it is physically impossible for him NOT to be spiffycool.

            Speaking of Yohji, he was sitting at the breakfast table happily munching on a bowl of corn flakes wearing NORMAL clothing. Well, at least, that's how it was on a NORMAL day. But today was EXTREMELY not normal. And why? Well, for starters, he wasn't sitting at the breakfast table. The breakfast table was on it's side on the other side of the shop, and Yohji was laying where it USED to be. He was also dressed in an old santa outfit, and was chugging a bunch of what he THOUGHT was beer but was actually fermented apple juice. Yum...

            In the middle of the store, for the eyes of all of their normal customers and a few innocent bystanders to see, was another spectacle of a bizarre and disturbing kind. Ken was standing on a table, looking for all the world like he was on a pedastal, wearing nothing but a pink leotard and a tutu. Aya and Omi, both dressed in nothing but black leather pants, were on the ground below fighting.

            "A BALLERINA OUTFIT IS SEXY ON A MAN!!" Aya shouted.

            "NOT MORE SEXY THAN A PINK BUNNY OUTFIT!!" Omi countered. They continued to beat eachother up in a cloud of dust. Ken suddenly struck a pose and pretended not to notice all of the flashing cameras nearby.

            A mighty yawn indicated that Aya-chan was gracing the flower shop with her presence. On any NORMAL day, she would have been up at the crack of dawn, tending to the flowers with her brother Ran, but today was a STRANGE and NOT SO NORMAL day, so she only decided to crawl out of bed and stumble drunkenly into the flower shop at 1 PM, her hair untidy and what little clothing she was wearing askew. Ran, Omi and Ken ignored her as she busied around the shop with her normal morning routine. Except that this was an ABNORMAL day so nothing normal could be allowed to exist. So she poured weed killer on all of the good plants and watered all of the useless flowers that sell for .000000012 cents each, and then fired a rocket launcher at the customers crowding around the store. They all fled in terror, but rest assured that they would return next Tuesday, because that was what the sign on the door said: "Our next normal day will be next Tuesday. Don't come back until then." And so they did what the sign said because you should ALWAYS listen to signs and do whatever they say. If a sign says "Strip buck nekkid and do the chicken dance" then by golly you'd better be doing the chicken dance in your birthday suit. Especially if you are a hot bishounen... *coughmillyardocough*

            Ran and Omi ignored Aya-chan, and Ken was too busy posing in a series of provocative, potentially painful, and poignant poses (don't ask) to notice her. Only after she had taken the fermented apple juice from Yohji and replaced it with a can of Budweiser did Yohji pay attention to her. Aya-chan plopped down on the floor beside the now SOBER Yohji, who was by the way about ten years older than she was, with her own Budweiser, and the two proceeded to become unspeakably drunk over the course of about five minutes.

            Just as Ran and Omi were arguing about which type of lingerie color looked best on a man, Schwarz stepped through the door. Well, except for the fact that only Shuldig, Nagi and Farfie stepped through the door. And Aya-chan had blown up the door with her rocket launcher, affectionately named Godzilla, which she kept in her interdimensional pocket space and reloaded and polished on a regular basis. So Schwarz just stepped over the charred remains of a door, and entered the world of OUT OF CHARACTER WEIß!! THE HORROR!!

            Schuldig was humming the tune to Spiritualized. Farfie was randomly pointing at things and saying that they hurt God. Nagi was being spiffycool and thinking about Tot, who had randomly exploded at their last meeting, thanks to Farfina, Warrior Princess, who had felt threatened by Tot, as she had attempted to copy his battle cry and so he had blown her up.

            The first thing that they noticed was Ken, with his extreme pinkness and the extreme tight nature of his pink leotard. Then they noticed the leatherized Omi and Ran fighting on the floor, shouting things like "PINK THONGS ARE SO SEXY ON GUYS!!" or "ZEBRA-STRIPED BRIEFS ARE BY FAR THE SEXIEST THING A MAN COULD WEAR!!" etc, etc. They didn't even bother to noticed the extremely drunk Yohji and Aya-chan, who were passionately making out in a corner. Well, actually, they did, because Farfie pointed at them and said "That hurts God" and Schuldig read their minds, chuckling at all of the naughty thoughts he was reading. Nagi was staring at everything, trying to make a slight bit of sense out of all of the chaos. That was when Shuldig and Farfie suddenly became extremely out of character.

            "A ballerina outfit is sexy on a man," Schuldig whispered, just loud enough for Farfie and Nagi to hear, and then collapsed to the ground in a fit of diabolical laughter. Nagi barely had the time to be afraid for his friend's sanity when Farfie suddenly ran out of the room, squeeing gleefully. He returned not five seconds later, wearing a pink leotard and tutu very similar to Ken's ballerina outfit, and he jumped onto another table beside Ken, joining Ken in his posing. Nagi let out a high pitched scream apon seeing Lord Farfie-chan in a pink leotard, and bolted out of the door, never to be seen or heard from again. Schuldig tapped Ran and Omi on the shoulder, and they both looked at him.

            "Which is sexier on a man, a ballerina outfit or a pink bunny costume?" he asked, with an almost childlike tone to his voice.

            "Ballerina Outfit!" Ran exclaimed.

            "BUNNY COSTUME!!" Omi shrieked. But before they could begin their fight again, Schuldig stopped them.

            "Why don't we compare?" he asked. They nodded. "Farfie, can you go and change into a pink bunny costume?" he requested, as he had read his mind and sensed Farfie's desire to dress in a pink bunny costume. Schuldig looked down at his normal attire. That definetely had to go, as nothing normal could exist in this story without exploding and/or imploding, so he darted off in the opposite direction of Farfie, returning a moment later in black leather pants and strictly nothing else. Farfie darted back in with big, sparkly shojo eyes, wearing a pink bunny costume with a pair of neon pink butterfly wings that were so SHINY and SPARKLY that he couldn't resist wearing them! Farfalle is Italian for butterfly... oh, and Farfie-chan also had a magic pink Sailor Moon wand to complete his look of a VERY VERY PINK fairy bunny with an eyepatch. He stood on the table and began to pose. Omi, Ran and Schuldig looked back and forth from Farfie to Ken, trying to decide who looked sexier.

            Before they could reach an agreement, Ran suddenly became slightly more sane, and realized for the first time that Yohji and his little sister were making out (and *cough* doing other things) in the corner. He immediately ran over and tore them apart, glaring daggers at Yohji with eyes that were the very personification of "shi ne!". He sent Aya-chan up to her room, and when Yohji tried to follow he barely resisted from killing him.

           Suddenly, Brad Crawford, Reiji Takatori, Masafumi Takatori, the Schrient, those three old people, and every other villain from the Weiß Kreuz anime (except Nagi, Farfie and Schuldig) walked into the flower shop, stepping over the charred remains of walls, windows and a door. Farfie immediately killed Crawford AGAIN, making the count now 10149520395395 and 1/2. Schuldig killed Masafumi Takatori to make himself feel better, and Ran, who still had a bit of sense left in him, killed Reiji Takatori because Reiji is a knave and ran over Aya-chan! And Omi and Ken proceeded to bit the shit out of the three old retarded people and stole their wheelchairs and KILLED THEM WITH THEIR OWN WHEELCHAIRS!! Yohji killed the Schrient because he felt like it and hadn't used his wire in a while...except for kinky things... (don't ask)

            When all of the evil people were thusly smote, Aya-chan made another appearance and blasted their carcasses into oblivion with her rocket launcher, before dragging Yohji upstairs with her. Ran ignored this, because the sense that he had gotten back earlier had fled to Jamaica and now he was back to debating with Omi and Schuldig about whether Ken in his ballerina outfit was sexier than Farfie in his pink bunny fairy costume. Decisions, decisions!!