El Lord of the Rings Parody


One day, the hobbit Frito was standing outside, with his arms folded. Suddenly, he got a look of utter ecstasy on his face, then ran off through the grass.

"Dumbledore! I mean, Gandalf! Sorry, been reading those Potter books. Gandalf, you're here!! Heeheeheehee!! Oh, but, you, you're late!" said Frito.

"First of all, PARODY, boy, remember, parody! My name is Randolf. Second of all, I ain't ever late, understand? EVER. Whenever I arrive is the right time!!" said Randolf.

Frito looked at him for a moment, then burst out laughing, doubling over. He shrieked with laughter, tears streaming down his face. Randolf stared at him as if he were nuts, then gave a yell when Frito leapt through the air towards him.

Frito landed on Randolf and Randolf groaned in pain, then pushed him off. "What the HELL are you doing?! My hernia!! My dislocated disk!! You little son of a bitch!! What's so funny, anyway?! Do you think I'm kidding with you?! I told you, I make the rules! If I show up half past midnight, it's the right time! Get it, fool?!" said Randolf.

"Oh, uh, sorry, Randolf." said Frito, ducking down next to Randolf on the wagon they were on. "Where are we going, Randolf?" asked Frito, several minutes later. "How the hell should I know? You got any more pipeweed?" asked Randolf, smoking a pipe. "Uh, not on me." said Frito. Randolf grunted.

"Oh, check it out, it's old Dildo, your uncle...He's having a party. Let's go, punk." said Randolf, hopping off the wagon. Frito followed.

"Hello, people of the shire! Everybody, even though I hate you, I want you to party down! This is the biggest bash of the decade, so start rockin', folks!" said Dildo, standing on a tree stump and addressing everybody.

"Dude, the old man has fireworks!" said Mary, looking in back of Randolf's wagon along with Poppin. "Let's act like total goofballs!" said Poppin, reaching into the wagon with wild eyes and greedily grabbing the fireworks. "You know it!" said Mary, jumping up and down and giggling. A few minutes later...

"AAAAAAHHHH!!! MY HAND!!!" came the scream from nearby. Randolf got up from where he was smoking his pipe with Frito and Dildo, and went towards the direction of the sound. Frito and Dildo followed.

"AAAHHHH!!! OOOHHH, NOOOOOO!!" Mary screamed, holding the bloody stump that was once his hand.

"Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, why did this happen, I thought we were doing it right..." said Poppin, hyperventalating.

"MORONS!! You fools stole my fireworks?! I ought to let you bleed to death, Mary!!" roared Randolf. Mary fell to the ground, howling. "Randolf! You must do something! Heal him!" said Frito. "What?! What do I look like, a damn nurse?!" snarled Randolf. "No, but you're a wizard, remember?!" said Frito, looking up at Randolf with huge, watery eyes. "Stop simpering you idiot. Yheah, I guess I COULD use my wizard powers..." sand Randolf, thinking it over.

"He's losing consciousness..." sobbed Poppin, crouching next to Mary.

"But there's lots of times when I COULD use my wizard powers, but why bother?" said Randolf. "Come on, Randolf old chum, this is spoiling my party!" said Dildo. "Oh, all RIGHT! I frigging have to do everything around here." said Randolf, lifting his staff and zapping Mary with it. Mary's stump had stopped bleeding and was now healed. Mary looked at it.

"Um, I was kind of hoping for my hand back." said Mary. "WELL, I WAS KIND OF HOPING TO LIGHT MY OWN FIREWORKS, but we don't always get our wishes, do we!! Maybe this will learn you some basic safety, anyway! Remember..." said Randolf, looking towards you, "Fireworks safety is no light matter. You could lose a body part...or your life." said Randolf.

"Well...I guess that's the end of the evening for us. Come on, Mary, let's go home." said Poppin, helping Mary up.

"Ok, everybody, let's dance!" said Frito, turning around and smiling broadly. Frito started to squat down then pop back up again, shrugging his shoulders each time and grabbing the fronts of his shirt with his hands, while looking around at everybody and grinning. "What the hell are you doing?" said Randolf. He looked at Dildo, and Dildo shook his head. "My kin, he is." said Dildo.

Meanwhile, Hamthighs Gumby took a slug of ale and nervously looked around at everybody.

Finally a drunken Dildo climbed back on the stump. "Everybody...may I have your attention...Everybody...HEY, LOOK AT THIS!!" said Dildo. Everybody turned their head towards him as Dildo took a ring out of his pocket and put it on his finger, then dissapeared.

Dildo raced back to his house as everyone gasped.

Dildo giggled and closed his door. "Yes, the time has come. For no reason, I'm to depart." said Dildo. He heard a rumbling behind him and turned to see Randolf walking through his house. "It's me. I see you're leaving, eh, Dildo?!" said Randolf, looking at Dildo with dissaprovement.

"Yes, yes, it's time for me to go. You see, I'm old, though I don't look it." said Dildo. Randolf rolled his eyes. "Yheah, sure you don't." said Randolf. "I feel like butter that's been spread across a humongous piece of toast, or like a rubber band that's about to snap or a loogie that you've got hanging down really far and that's about to fall, and I just can't take it anymore! Which is why I have to run off!" said Dildo. "What the hell are you talking about?" said Randolf.

"I don't know! I just have to go! And I must give Frito the ring." said Dildo. "Ah, yes. Ok, now you're making sense." said Randolf. Then Randolf scratched his head. "Wait, why are you giving him the ring?" said Randolf. "I don't know, I never understand any of the crap in these crazy books. Silly assed writing and people fighting trees and running around for no reason, nutso guys in the woods with yellow shoes..." said Dildo.

"Well, um, give me the ring, then." said Randolf. "Right, I'll give it to you. Let me go get it." said Dildo. He stood up and walked out of the room. Randolf followed him. Dildo looked at him nervously. "It's right around here, yes...yes, right around here..." said Dildo. Suddenly, Dildo started screaming and running frantically for the door. Randolf raised his staff and slammed the door shut just before Dildo could reach it. Dildo tried to pull the door open, but it was no use.

"Noooo!! You can't have it!! It's mine, mine!!" sobbed Dildo, still yanking at the door handle.

"Give it here, Dildo." said Randolf, in a very stern tone. He folded his arms and waited for the hobbit to approach. "No, no, no!! It's mine, I said, it belongs to me..." Dildo snarled, spit flying from his mouth as he clutched the ring and scooted away along a wall.

"I SAID, you have spent enough time with Mr. Ring. Now, I want that ring. Right NOW, young man." said Randolf. Dildo roared like a rabid ferrit and clenched the ring in his fists while drooling and twitching.

"I'm trying to help you by robbing you of your most valuable posession, now listen to me. Give me the ring or no allowance! And no more pipeweed!" said Randolf. Dildo jumped in fright, and ran to Randolf, weeping.

"Oh, Randolf, I'm sorry!" he said. "There, there, that's alright. Now, then, the ring." said Randolf. "Right, here it is." said Dildo, holding up the ring. "FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T GIVE IT TO ME!! I CAN'T TOUCH IT!!" said Randolf.

"Oh...Uh, right..." said Dildo. "Just put it somewhere...put it down on the table." said Randolf. Dildo held up the ring and moved his hand towards the table, then pulled the ring back. He did this several times before Randolf finally slapped the ring out of his hand. "Oh, no, my precious, on the filthy carpet!" said Dildo. "Leave it! Now, scoot, already, go wherever you're going to die and let Frito be taken under by the evil of the ring! Go, on." said Randolf. Dildo sadly left.


Randolf was kicking back on Dildo's couch with his feet up on Dildo's coffee table, smoking his pipeweed and listening to Dildo's stereo. Frito came strolling into the house. "Uncle Dildo, are you home?" said Frito.

"Oh, there you are! Good. There's an evil here and I want you to take it. In fact, I want you to destroy it. But first you have to visit an elf city. Just take that ring there, m'boy." said Randolf, pointing to the floor.

"Um, don't you think it's time you cut down on the pipeweed a bit, Randolf?" said Frito. "What have I told you?!" said Randolf. "Whatever a wizard does is right." said Frito. "Damn straight. Now get the ring and get out of here, I'm taking over your uncle's house. Oh, yheah, he went somewhere to die." said Randolf.

Frito miserably picked up the ring and was about to leave when Randolf said, "Wait!"

Randolf was staring at the window, listening. Frito turned towards the window.

Randolf got up, staff in hand, and strided over to the window. He smashed through the glass with one hand and pulled up Hamthighs Gumby by the scruff of his shirt.

"Aaaggh!" said Hamthighs. Randolf chucked him across the room and Ham rolled across the floor. "Oh, Ham. Eavesdropping again?" said Frito. "He's done this before, has he?" said Randolf, approaching Ham. "Yes, I find him listening in on me quite a bit." sighed Frito. "And peeking in on me...And sort of stalking me around town...Actually, a few times I've caught him peeping in on me in the shower..." said Frito, starting to look disturbed as he thought about it.

"A little spy, eh? You know how a wizard takes care of a little spy?" said Randolf. "Oh, God, no!! Don't do nothin' magic to me! I'm just a simple minded commoner who's ignorant an' my mind is blown by your magic powers! I reads about it in a book once..." said Ham, starting to cry, "About a wizard an' he was mean and he did magic and it turned somebody into somethin' he wasn't and he had black robes and he was a mean wizard, and he was scary!!" sobbed Sam.

"Bwahahahahahahaha!! I'm just pretending to threaten your life. I'm not going to harm you. I'm going to send you off with Frito to possibly be killed!" said Randolf. Ham looked at Frito, his eyes widening, and a huge smile overtaking his face. "You mean it?! I can come too??" said Ham. Randolf nodded.

Ham jumped up and began to pant with his tongue hanging out of his mouth, like a puppy who'd just been given his first toy. He laughed madly, gave a shout, and started yanking out his hair in happiness. He squealed and looked at Frito and Randolf again, then began racing around the room on all fours. After knocking over much furniture, he leapt back into the air, jumped ontop the coffee table, sprang off, and then started whacking himself over the head with Dildo's books as tears of joy streamed down his face and he began to scream with delight.

Randolf and Frito looked at eachother. "Run!! Run now, before he notices!" said Randolf. Frito started for the door, but Ham turned around, still grinning in pure bliss, and took off after him.

End Chapter 1.

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