El Lord of the Rings Parody, Chapter 4
Everyone arrived at the Elf city.
A crowd of elves wearing bathrobes stood there. The high elf, named Elmer, glared at everyone.
"Hello. What are you here to annoy me about?" asked Elmer.
"We have the ring, sir." said Frito.
"Oh...the ring. The ring is extremely annoying!" sneered Elmer.
Ham's eyes grew wide as he looked at Elmer and the other elves. "Ooh, look at the elves!! I read a book about elves once, and they made presents, and they worked at the North Pole, and they sent the presents out to all the boys and girls!! I wonder if...if I could have a present..." said Ham.
"This here is the villiage idiot?" said Elmer. "I think everybody in their villiage is the idiot." said Spider. Poppin shook his head, violently. "Wrong, wrong, wrong! I'M the villiage idiot!!" said Poppin, indignantly. "Hey, you, take that back! I'M the villiage idiot!!" said Mary. They continued to bicker.
Elmer closed his eyes and got out a bottle of Advil.
"Mr. Frito, I'm not sure the elf god man approves of us." said Ham. "I don't think he approves of anything." said Frito. "It's true." said an elf who lived in the villiage. "He always looks pissy."
"AHEM!! I can hear you. And you're right, I AM always pissy! But the fact is, my face got stuck like this a long time ago due to frowning and pouting too much. Don't let it happen to you..." said Elmer.
Just then, Randolf appeared out of nowhere. "Hi, everybody, I'm back! Oh, hello, my old friend, Elmer! Elmer's millions of years old, everybody! This guy fought in the original battle of the Ring against the Dark Lord, Cowmon, thousands of years ago. Hell, I heard he once fought in a battle against a T-Rex!" said Randolf. "Always a pleasure to see you, Randolf." snarled Elmer.
"Randolf, for the love of God, why didn't you show up when you were supposed to?!" said Frito. "Huh? Oh, oh, yheah, that business. Well, you see, Frito, it seems I was...held up a bit..." said Randolf. He went into a flashback sequence, staring off.
Randolf was walking along through a forest on his way to Gooda. A bee flew in his face, stinging his nose. He scrunched up his face in pain and irritation. "Aaagh!!" said Randolf. He turned around and fled back the way he came, holding his nose.
Randolf smiled tiredly.
"It's...it's difficult to talk about." said Randolf. Spider walked up behind him and whispered in his ear. "That's not much of a flashback scene." said Spider. "Excuse me? Oh, you want more, do you? Ok, ok, then...this is what really happened..." said Randolf, and he gazed off again.
Randolf headed up to the tower where his old friend Cowamon lived. Randolf wiped his feet on the welcome mat, then rapped at the door.
"Who iiiisss iiiitt?" called Cowamon.
"It's me, Randolf, Cowamon. Do you remember your old buddy?" said Randolf.
Cowamon opened the door, beaming. "Oooh!! Greetings! Oh, Randolf, it's been too long! Come right in, parden the mess. You must try these chocolate chip cookies I just whipped up." said Cowamon.
Randolf and Cowamon strolled into Cowamon's living room and sat down on a couple of sofas with a coffee table between them.
10 minutes later...
"You really like the cookies, Randolf?" said Cowamon.
"Yes, yes, just excellent." said Randolf.
"So, anyway, then Gladis says the canned peas went up 30 cents, and I said, 'honey, you know you're losing your memory', and then Sylvia comes up and she'll just agree with anything Gladis says, so she starts saying..." said Cowamon.
"Err, not to interrupt, Cowamon, but there's something rather important we should talk about." said Randolf.
A strange look came to Cowamon's eyes and he stared at Randolf. "Oh?" he said.
"Yes, you remember that old ring that people used to fight over? Well, it's back in business and so is Cowmon. Funny how the two of you have such similar names. Haha! Anyway, so, we should team up and put a stop to him." said Randolf. Cowamon squinted.
"You're trying to tell me you wanna stop Cowmon, the brilliant, all-powerful, majestic, fascinating, articulate, trendy, perfectly coiffed practically-a-god of Middle Earth?!" said Cowamon.
"There you go!! Now you understand! So, is it a deal?" said Randolf.
"And you think it's polite to interrupt my story about the canned peas with this bullshit proposition?!" said Cowaman.
"Oh, don't start with your temper tantrums again! Maybe you need to smoke some more pipeweed, Cowamon, like I do...it keeps me mellowed all the time." said Randolf.
"Maybe that's why you're a flaming idiot who never knows what's going on and will probably get himself killed while not paying attention. And perhaps it's why you have no manners!" said Cowamon.
"Hey, I'm a wizard, I can do whatever I want!" said Randolf.
"Nobody interrupts my stories!! You're totally impolite, Randolf!" said Cowamon.
"Oh, to hell with your silly stories! You never knew when to shut up, anyway. And let me tell you something else..." said Randolf, picking up a chocolate chip cookie.
Cowamon tilted his head, a dangerous look in his eye.
"These cookies are DRY!" said Randolf.
(zoom in on Cowamon) "RAAAAAAHHHH!!" screamed Cowamon. He jumped up and blasted Randolf across the room.
Randolf flew into Cowamon's china hutch, smashing glass and Precious Moments figurines.
Cowamon used his staff and moved Randolf into the center of the room, then started spinning Randolf around in circles.
"Ooohh...I think I'm gonna baarf...." said Randolf. Cowamon watched him, his head moving back and forth as he saw Randolf's face fly by repeatedly.
"Wheeee, that looks like fun!!" said Cowamon. He jumped onto Randolf and went for a ride. "Yipeeeee!" said Cowamon, grinning excitedly. Randolf grabbed Cowamon's staff after a moment and blasted him away. "My body is not an amusement park...as I have told you in the past..." said Randolf.
Cowaron picked up Randolf's staff and aimed it at Randolf. Then, he pointed behind Randolf. "Look, what's that!" said Cowaron. "Huh? What?" said Randolf, turning around. Cowaron sent his staff flying away from Randolf and into Cowaron's hand. "I told you you smoked too much weed!" grinned Cowaron, evilly.
Cowaron aimed both staffs at Randolf. "Are you realizing that you're getting your ass kicked, yet? Don't try to mess with me, Randolf. I have the very powerful and distinguished new position of being Cowron's puppet!" said Cowaron, proudly.
"Mad! Mad! You're totally batshit crazy! I should have known as soon as I saw your Precious Moments collection. This is what happens when Cowamon the wise stops taking his medication." spat Randolf. "Nobody implies that I'm insane. RAAAAAAAHHHH!!! screamed Cowamon, blasting Randolf into another wall.
"Will you stop making that silly noise!" said Randolf, as he slipped to the floor.
"But don't you find it intimidating? It's my impression of an angry jackal. Listen, I can do a hyena in heat..." said Cowamon.
Ten minutes later...
"How did you like that? Randolf? Randolf?? You're not listening again, aren't you?! Alright, let's get back to the action!" said Cowamon. He zapped Randolf onto the floor where he landed with a thud.
"Hahahahaha. It's a...(Billy Idol impression) nice day for a...white wiz-ard...." Cowamon said. He blasted Randolf into one more wall, then threw his head back. "WHOOOOOOO!!" he screeched, still doing the Billy Idol impression."Aaarrgh!" said Randolf, clutching his lower back. "Cowamon, will you stop flinging me around, already?! I have arthritis, for Christ's sake!" said Randolf. "Hmm. Well, alright. But I'm locking you up." Cowamon.
Cowamon proceeded to lock Randolf up in his attic. "Don't mess with Texas! I don't know why I said that." said Cowamon, and he left.
"So, annyyway..." said Randolf.
"Uh, Randolf...Why don't you cram in the part about your escape?" said Spider.
"What? Oh, oh yes. Uh, let me see." said Randolf.
Randolf was sitting in the dusty attic, when he noticed a moth float out of an old box of clothes. Randolf's face lit up. He reached out and snapped up the moth in his hands. "Oops." said Randolf, opening his palms. He waited a few moments untill he saw another moth, and this time he was more careful.
Randolf whispered some mumbo jumbo babble to the moth. "WHAT??" said the moth. "I SAID, go tell a giant bird I need help!" said Randolf. Randolf pushed the moth out of a crack in the window, and it flew off.
Cowamon re-entered the attic. "Alright, Randolf. I'm going to give you one last chance to join the evil team. And by the way...RAAAHH!!" said Cowamon.
"Could you wait just a moment longer while my means of escape arrives?" said Randolf.
"Huh? Oh, sure." said Cowamon.
"Ok, now you can go ahead." said Randolf.
Cowamon lifted his staff towards Randolf. "Choose now or die!" Cowamon warned. Suddenly, a humongous crow slammed it's beak through the window and snatched Randolf, then carried him off through the night.
"Oops..." said Cowamon, staring after them.
After awhile, the bird dropped Randolf off in its mountain nest, next to its hungry young. "Nooooo, this isn't what I wanted! Oh, crap..." said Randolf. Randolf had to knock out the bird, then he climbed down the mountain.
"And that's what happened." said Randolf, taking a long puff on his pipe.
"Oh. I...see." said Frito.
Everyone in the elf town was staring at Randolf.
"Well, that was fascinating. Now, Frito, was there something you wanted from me?" said Elmer.
"Yes...Mister Elf, it's this evil ring. I need to get rid of it and I was wondering..." said Frito. "No, I don't think so. That ring is a pain in my ass. I remember years ago when I was in that fight..." said Elmer.
Elmer was running around through a forest, a T-Rex hot on his heels.
"No, not that fight. Hold on one moment. Ah, here we go." said Elmer.
Elmer was running around, fighting a bunch of people. Finally somebody wearing the ring died. A man took the ring, and he and Elmer ran to a volcano. "Get rid of it! Hurry! End the flashback scenes!!" said Elmer. "No, I think I'm going to keep it." said the man. "What??! Throw it in!!" said Elmer. The man turned around and peacefully strolled out while Elmer kicked a small rock in frustration. A sad look came to Elmer's face. "Oh, what has he done?! Whaat haas hee doone?" said Elmer.
End Flashback."That was thousands of years ago, or millions, or billions, who knows. The point is, I'm not taking the ring, kids." said Elmer.
Ham jumped up and down and placed a hand on Frito's back. "Yaaayy! We did it! Come on, Mr. Frito, let's go home..." said Ham. "Ham, he just said they aren't going to take it." said Frito. Ham frowned, puzzled.
"Yes, you must go and toss it into the volcano...(whispering) that's about to erupt at any second...Ah! Yes, that's your best bet. But don't fear. We've some freaks here who we can send out with you. Come..." said Elmer, leading them to a circle of rocks. Frito sat the ring on a tree stump in the middle of the circle and sat down.
A shaggy bearded dude who had braids in his beard and a demented look on his face smiled at them, giving them the thumbs up sign.
An elf with long blond hair and a Peter Pan outfit grinned and waved at them. "Hi! I'm not a girl!" he said. "Hi! Me either!" said Frito. "Oh, really?! Well, what do you know." said the elf, named Leggoeggo. "What do you all think about my idea for destroying the ring?" said Elmer.
The bearded guy, named Dimly, glared at the ring. "I say I just TRASH IT!!" he said, rushing forward and starting to pound the ring with his fists. Randolf shook his head. "You can't beat up the one ring, Dimly. Now, are you going to 'help' Frito on his mission?" said Randolf.
"Are you challenging me?! What do I look like, a wussy?!" said Dimly.
Randolf shook his head in annoyance and looked at Leggoeggo. "What about you, pretty boy?" said Randolf.
Leggoeggo smiled more broadly. "Sure! I'm up for killing some people!" he said. Dimly took a slug of alcohol and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. "Back off, Elf!! I'd rather rip my eyeballs out than see a pansy Elf do anythin'! And don't think I won't do it!! NEVER TRUST AN ELF!!" roared Dimly.
"Put a cork in it, Dimly. You're both going." said Randolf. "Oh, well, I guess I'm all cheeful now, then!" said Dimly, smiling.
Leggoeggo put a hand on Dimly's shoulder, grinning. "Hello, my good friend!" said Leggoeggo. "Get your freakin' paws offa me you stinkin' Elf!!" said Dimly.
"Who else is going to go?" sighed Randolf.
"Um, I'll do it, too." said some boring, nondescript fellow who had a scruffy short beard and longish hair, like Spider. "My name's Boreyamore." he said. He looked at the ring and his eye twitched. He inched closer, and slobber began to form on his mouth. "And I think I ought to just take the ring!! This precious thing of beauty belongs in my home town, Condor! It belongs within MY GRASP!! I WANT IT!!" said Boreyamore, his hands inches from the ring as he shook with desire.
"You don't think that attitude will pose a problem on the quest, do you, Randolf?" asked Elmer. "No, not at all. So, Dimly, Leggoeggo, Boreyamore, you will now all follow Frito and assist him on his path to death, I mean doom, I mean Mount Doom. Right?" said Randolf.
Dimly threw his latest bottle of booze away and belched loudly. "Hell yheah. At your service." said Dimly, pulling a gun out. "You have my gun, Sally-Sue, here." said Dimly.
Leggoeggo laughed merrily and pulled out his bag from behind his back. It was filled to the brim with Lego pieces. "And you have my Legos!" said Leggoeggo, shaking the bag.
"And you have my sword. Like Spider, I also have a sword. I'm a man, too, like him. Am I redundant? Maybe. But I'm not concerned!" said Boreyamore. He looked around, nervously, and patted some sweat from his brow.
"Just a note, everybody, my real name is Aragont or Estella, and it was my grandpa who wouldn't throw that ring in the volcano. The angst...I carry it with me constantly..." said Spider.
"Oh, break out the violins, here he goes again. Frito, are you ready to go on your quest?" said Randolf. Suddenly, Ham leapt up from right behind Frito, where he'd been crouching. "Frito's not going anywhere without me!" said Ham.
"Indeed! Everyone's seen the way you eye his every movement and haunt his every step!" Elmer said. "What?" said Frito.
Meanwhile, in a bush, Mary and Poppin looked at eachother and shrugged. "I guess this is a good time to come out." said Poppin. They came barreling out of the bush. "What the – Hey, I do not like rambunctous people!" said Elmer.
"Hello, folks, it's us again." said Mary. "We're back!!" said Poppin. Elmer frowned slightly more. "I can take care of that. Get the net." said Elmer, signalling to an elf standing nearby.
"Wait a second! We...we want to come along!" said Mary. "Yheah, let us go along on the vacation or tour or bungee jump or whatever it is we're doing." said Poppin.
Randolf shrugged. "Why not? I'm sure you'll prove plenty useful." he said, rolling his eyes.
Poppin looked at Elmer. "Did you know your teeth are very, very shiney? Och! Really." said Poppin. Elmer turned away from him.
"Is that all the volunteers, then?" Randolf asked everyone, seeming grumpy.
"How many more people do you need to wander around getting themselves in trouble?" said Elmer. "I suppose you're right. That's enough." said Randolf.
Just before the group headed off, Frito took a last stroll through the elf city. He gasped as he spotted Dildo sitting around. Frito grinned in overwhelming joy. "DILDO!! It's you!!" said Frito. He ran over to him.
Dildo jumped up. "THE RING, THE RING, IT'S MINE, GIVE IT TO ME, BOY!!" snarled Dildo, lunging at Frito, ripping at his shirt as his face spazzed out like in a Tim Burton movie.
"Aaahhh! Heellpp!! Get this psycho freak offa me!!" said Frito, wrestling to keep the ring.
Randolf shook his head, walked over, and blasted Dildo away.
"I told you...NO MORE RING!!" said Randolf. Dildo sat on the ground, looking embarassed and begining to cry. "I...I'm sorry, Randolf. I'm sorry, Frito...really..." he said.
"It's alright, I suppose..." said Frito, straightening his tattered shirt.
"I am sorry, dear boy...sob...I'm deeply troubled by my actions..." said Dildo, taking out a handkerchief. "There, there, uncle Dildo, it's ok..." said Frito, walking over and putting a hand on Dildo's shoulder. Dildo spun around. "IT'S MINE!! GIVE IT TO ME!! GIMME THE RING!!" Dildo screamed, reaching out to grab for the ring. Randolf smacked his forehead and blasted Dildo away again.
"Oh...ahm...whoops." said Dildo, sitting on the ground with stars and birds flying around his head.
Frito looked disturbed. "Time to go, Frito." said Randolf. "Goodbye, then, uncle Dildo." said Frito.
End chapter 4.
Note: If anybody saw my story, "Freddy (Krueger) Vs. the Shire", which was up for about a half a day, it was deleted by fanfiction.net for unknown reasons and my ability to upload documents was cut off for about a week. I have no idea why. I've e-mailed fanfiction.net many times, but have still not recieved a response.