Title: A Carving Knife, Hold the Three Blind Mice Please.

Rating: PG

Author: Heath07

Distribution: Please don't unless you ask me first.

Summary: A lobster, a knife and a cold beer all work together to bring Jaye and Eric together. Sort of.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Wonderfalls because if I did there would be no way I would have cancelled it.

Notes: I know the show has been cancelled, but I wrote this real quick 'cause I'm missing it all ready. It may be a little over the top, but hey, it's something. ;)


Jaye followed closely behind her sister always on the look-out for any stuffed animals or wax figurines that might get the urge to talk to her. She picked up a large skillet and examined it. Non-stick, lifetime guarantee. Huh. "Really, what do you need new pots and pans for anyway, it's not like you cook. Wait, do you cook?"

Sharon looked over her shoulder and gave Jaye a patronizing look. "Of course I cook." She shrugged, relenting. "Sometimes."

Jaye folded her arms in front of her, sufficiently put in her place. A sly smile crossed her lips. "Is this for a girl? Are you trying to impress a girl?"

Sharon flushed a deep pink. "Real mature, Jaye."

Jaye's eyes widened, her mouth relaxed. "So it is for a girl."

Sharon rolled her eyes. "Stop saying 'a girl' like that, you sound like you're in second grade."

"Grouch," she muttered under her breath, moving away. She scanned the aisles. There was shelf after shelf of cooking supplies; pots, pans, cookie sheets, those little tools to crack nuts with, garlic peelers, whisks, everything really to satisfy even the pickiest of chefs' needs.

"Buy the knife, talk about his life."

Oh, no! Jaye looked around trying to place the voice. She did a three-sixty turn before she met the beady eyes of a plastic lobster. Sharon had all ready moved on and thankfully hadn't noticed Jaye's reaction. Jaye grabbed the red seafood stowaway from Maine. "What? Are you crazy? What did I do to deserve this? Stop talking to me." She stuffed the toy into a large pot and slammed the lid down, walking away.

"Buy the knife, talk about his life."

"Shut up!" she pleaded gaining the attention of an elderly lady carrying a spatula. "Hi," she offered and smiled.

The woman pulled her purse closer and hurried her step. Jaye waited until she was out of sight and lifted the lid, pulling out her tormenter.

"Buy the knife, talk about his life," the cheap plastic toy taunted, snapping its claws at her nose.

"What knife? Whose life?" she asked exasperated. Her eyes scanned a table of discounted items and landed on a sleek butcher knife. "That one?"

"Buy the knife, talk about his life."

"Okay, fine! You win, all right? But I am so not killing anyone for you." She picked up the knife and stuffed the lobster inside her jacket, looking around once to make sure no one had noticed.

Jaye caught up to her sister in line and acted as if nothing had happened. She'd gotten good at that and she didn't mind the weird looks from strangers so much anymore, at least it kept all the inbred mouth-breathers away.

Sharon put her purchases on the counter and waited to be rung in. She looked at her sister, the corners of her eyes wrinkled. "Are you buying that?" she asked, pointing to the blade seemingly put off. "What do you need a knife for?"

Jaye froze. "Uh..."

"If that trailer park isn't safe-" Sharon actually looked concerned. It was...unnerving. Ick.

"Lobster!" she blurted out.


"I'm having lobster for dinner and it's easier to, uh, you know, cut them up or whatever, with a good knife and since I don't have one..." Okay, so Sharon didn't exactly look like she believed her. "Look, it's really inhumane to just drop them in boiling water, they at least deserve a warriors death. You know, something dignified."

Sharon nodded her head slowly and passed the cashier her credit card. Jaye let out a long breath. So what if her sister thought she was insane? It wasn't like it was a new revelation.


Jaye savoured anytime she got to sleep. Sleeping for Jaye was like what Manna had been for the Israelites. If only she was actually allowed to sleep....

"67 bottles of beer on the wall, 67 bottles of beer. You take one down, pass it around...." the lizard, the wax lion, the brass monkey, the flamingo--who had somehow found its way into her trailer--and the lobster all sang in monotone unison. At least they could have gotten their act together and practised or something so they sounded half-decent.

"For the love of God, pick a new song!" she complained from her bed.

"Get a beer," the lobster persuaded.

Sitting up, she searched their faces groggily. "Are you...things, trying to make me an alcoholic?"

"66 bottles of beer on the wall, 66 bottles of beer..."

Jaye crushed the pillow over her eyes for the hundredth time that night and fell back down to the plush surface of her mattress. "I'm not thirsty, thank you. Now, leave me alone, I need sleep. Not that you, as inanimate objects, would know anything about sleep."

"Get a beer."

"Shut up!" she yelled, thrusting the pillow at the plastic lobster.

"Take one down, pass it around..."

"All right! Fine. Is this what you want?" she asked tiredly, throwing the covers off of her and springing out of bed.

"Bring the knife."

Jaye pivoted around, still half asleep. "What?! This better not involve a sheep and ritual sacrifice because then I'm pretty sure who you're working for Devil boy."

"Bring the knife."

"I heard you the first time!" she complained, reaching into a drawer where she'd stashed said knife earlier.

She threw a jacket on over her pajamas, slipped on a pair of tennis shoes and stalked out the door. "Stupid, dumb lobster! Telling me what to do..." she mumbled to herself as she started up the car and headed out, the road slick.


Jaye knocked on the backdoor, pounding until it whooshed open and Eric teetered over her with a grin on his face. "Making this a habit are you?"

"No nuns this time, I promise." Okay, so she'd given into the damn lobster and now, looking at Eric, she couldn't exactly complain.

"Nice knife," Eric said, scanning the steel blade Jaye was wielding.

She looked from the knife to Eric and then back again. "Uh, yeah, thanks." She forced her arm forward. "You can have it if you want."


"Knock yourself out," she said, dropping it to a table and heading for the bar, hopping up on a stool.

"You're in your pajamas," Eric observed.


Eric picked up the knife and studied it, suddenly Jaye wondered just how well she knew him. Eric wasn't capable of murder was he? The stupid inanimate objects hadn't gotten orders from their leader, plotting this out, making one giant plan to lead to this moment so Eric could kill her, had they? No, that was crazy talk... wasn't it?

Eric followed the path she had taken, setting the knife on the bar and reaching back to grab two beers. He handed one over to Jaye and twisted the top off of his own. "This is a good knife. My father worked as a butcher. He always came home smelling of bleach and rotting meat."

Jaye nodded slowly. "Uh, that's..nice." Was it wrong of her to still find him attractive after he just said rotting meat? He said things like that all the time and yet it didn't exactly throw her off.

"He's dead." Blunt. Very blunt. It was part of his charm, really.

Jaye almost swivelled right off the stool. "What?" Eric looked at her with those innocent blue eyes and she knew he could say anything and she'd still find him ruggedly handsome. Ugh, when did she start sounding like a romance novel?

"Freak accident. A cow carcass fell right on him, the hoof severed his jugular. They say it was painless; he died instantly. Three years ago today."

"I'm sorry." And she was sorry. 'Buy the knife, talk about his life.' "Oh!" she mumbled under her breath. She really was fate's bitch. At least this time fate was working in her favour.

"It's okay. So, what made you come here anyway?"

Jaye propped her head up in her hand, her eyes tired. "The lobster told me to, but I can't really lay all the blame on him, he had help from the monkey, the lizard and the flamingo, oh and the lion never shuts up until he gets his way."

Eric looked at her puzzled.

She weakly laughed it off. "Nevermind. I was just thirsty."

"Really? 'Cause it's so weird that you would come here when I needed a friend, it's like you're psychic or something," Eric said.

"Yeah, or something."

Again Jaye was struck by the way he always seemed to see the positive side of things...and didn't run away from her screaming when she said completely insane things. That was always a positive sign when she was pursuing a boy. God, she did sound like a second grader. Man. Eric was a man.

"So...tell me more about your dad."

This was good. This was comfortable. And the best part was, there were no wax lions or flamingos or lobsters anywhere. Jaye took a quick look around. Wait, did the singing fish just move?