ECCE! THE MUSICAL!

Music and Book by Green

Based on the "Ecce Romani" books.

(All things in all capitals are songs)

Characters (so far and in no particular order):

Cornelius.........................The father, a Roman senator.

Aurelia............................The mother, a drunken housewife.

Cornelia..........................The daughter.

Marcus.............................Cornelia's brother, Smarter than Sextus.

Sextus..............................Annoying adopted brother.

Davus..............................A English slave for the Cornelius family, the narrator.

Parvina.............................A young Roman girl, hangs around with Davus a lot

Flavia...............................Cornelia's Friend, a pushover.

Magister Geta.....................The teacher.

Antonius, Lucius, and Helvius..................Students of Magister Geta.

Act I: Ecce! Baculum habet!

Scene 1.

Enter Cornelia and Flavia.

Cornelia: THIS! THAT! IT'S ALL THE STUPID SAME... THIS! THAT! IT'S NOTHING BUT DERANGED...

Flavia: ALL WE DO IS STUDY, UNDERNEATH THIS TREE!

Cornelia: WHY ARE WE STUDYING? WE'RE USELESS GIRLS, YOU SEE!

Both: THIS! THAT! IT'S ALL AN ORDINARY THING! THIS! THAT! WHY ARE WE CARING? STUDY! STUDY! STUDY! IS THAT ALL WE DO?

Cornelia: OH POO! HERE COMES SEXTUS!

Enter Sextus and Marcus.

Sextus: EHO! EHO! WE'RE SO BONUS! EHO! EHO! DON'T YA-KNOW-NUS?

Marcus: EHO! EHO! DON'T SCARE THE WOMAN! EHO! EHO! WE NEED THEM TO MAKE CUMIN!

Cornelia: HIC! ILLE! GET AWAY FROM US! HIC! ILLE! ABITE –

Sextus: WHAT'S THE FUSS?

Cornelia: That's easy. YOU'RE DELIGHTFULLY BAD.

DELIGHTFULLY SAD – SEXTUS!

Sextus: EHO! EHO! WELL THEN YOU'RE A –

Marcus: NOW SEXTUS...

Flavia: NOW CORNELIA...

Marcus and Flavia: WHY CAN'T WE JUST GET ALONG?

Sextus: EHO! EHO! She's a girl! EHO! EHO! WHY CAN'T WE KILL HER?

Marcus and Flavia: What?!

Sextus: I meant make her cook and clean. What did I say?

Cornelia: HIC! ILLE! HIC! ILLE! Sextus: EHO! EHO! EHO! EHO!

Flavia: PLEASE STOP!

Cornelia: HIC! ILLE! HIC! ILLE! Sextus: EHO! EHO! EHO! EHO!

Marcus: THIS IS ENOUGH!

Flavia: STOP PLEASE! STOP PLEASE!
Cornelia: HIC! ILLE! HIC! ILLE! Marcus: NO! NO! NO!
Sextus: EHO! EHO! EHO! EHO!

All: SALVETE ET WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Exit all.

Enter Davus.

Davus: Salvete! Welcome to Ecce. What is Ecce? It's a musical! If Ecce was a book... Well, that would be one lousy book! Ecce, the musical... It starts out in a little town in Italy. The Cornelius family are in their summer home.

Enter Parvina.

Parvina: Salve Davus! Who are you talking to?

Davus: Oh, Salve Parvina. I'm just talking to the audience here.

Parvina: What's the audience, Davus?

Davus: Well, just look to over there. (Points to the crowd.)

Parvina: I don't see anything.

Davus: Of course you don't. I'm the only one that can see them. I'm a sort of narrator...

Parvina: Narrator?

Davus: Well aren't you a block jockey of questions today. That means I can see and directly address the audience and I pop up randomly around the musical.

Parvina: One more question. If we're in Rome, then why are we speaking modern English? Shouldn't we be speaking Latin?

Davus: Well, Parvina, if we were speaking Latin, do you think the audience here would understand us?

Parvina: Huh? If there are English folks out there, shouldn't Rome be invading?!

Davus: Vina, Vina, Vina... Don't worry that sweet little pudd'in head over such things.

Parvina: Are you aware that it's a federal offense to harbor the enemy in our country?

Davus: Uh... That's cute, Parvina. Well, anyway, the next scene starts out –

Parvina: I think you're belittling because of my sex and age.

Davus: Yes. You are six years old. Very good!

Parvina: I'm ten.

Davus: Well, that's great. Well, again, let's begin our story. Vale!

Parvina: This doesn't make any sense... Vale!

Exit Davus and Parvina.

Scene 2.

Enter Cornelius family and Magister Geta.

Cornelia: Pater! Sextus climbed up a tree and scared me and Flavia again!

Cornelius: Be quiet, Cornelia. You're a woman. You don't have rights!

Cornelia: Oh... Then why not call it "Sexism, the Musical?"

Cornelius: What?

Cornelia: Nothing.

Cornelius: Hpth. Aurelia, you're a woman. Give your opinion on this.

Aurelia: (Takes a swig of wine) Do whatever yer pater says. You're giving mater a headache. Mater's hung.

Cornelius: See? Now be obedient to Magister Geta.

Chidren: Yes, Pater!

Cornelius: Good. Now, let's go Cornelia, Aurelia.

Cornelia: Why can't I go to school?

Cornelius: For the last time, you're a woman. You get to learn from mater, here. She'll teach you good woman's work.

Cornelia: Whatever...

Cornelius, Aurelia, and Cornelia: Valete!

Marcus and Sextus: Valete!

Exit Cornelius, Aurelia, and Cornelia.

Enter Antonius, Lucius, and Helvius.

Geta: Settle down! Salvete Children. Guess what we're going to learn today?

Marcus: How to use the utterly useless dative case?

Antonius: Learn how to decline Puella?

Lucius: All the uses of the Ablative case?

Helvius: How to oppress Christians?

Sextus: How to climb a tree and annoy our step sisters?! No, to randomly throw balls at girls?!

Geta: No. We're going to learn how to decline Hic!

Children: How do we do that, Magister Geta?

Geta: Well, kids, first you start with what?

Children: THE NOMINATIVE CASE!

Geta: THAT'S RIGHT! THAT'S RIGHT! AND WHAT COMES NEXT, MY FRIENDS?

CHILDREN: GENA-GENATIVE! NEXT IS DATIVE – WHO CARES WHY? IT'S AS IRRELEVANT AS MAMA'S PIE! DATA-DATA! NEXT DATIVE! DATIVE! THEN THERE'S THE ACCUSATIVE! AND LAST BUT LEASTLY IS ABLATIVE! EU – EUGEPAE!

Geta: Bene! Now, for Hic. HIC HAEC HOC!

Children: HIC HAEC HOC?

Geta: That's right, it's... HIC HAEC HOC! HUIUS HUIUS HUIUS! HUIC HUIC HUIC! HUNC HANC HUNC!

Children: HUNC HANC HONC?

Geta: Now, HOC HAC HOC! Repeat!

Children: HIC HAEC HOC! HUIUS HUIUS HUIUS! HUIC HUIC HUIC! HUNC HANC HUNC! HOC HAC HOC!

Geta: That's right. PLURAL! HI HAE HAEC! HORUM HARUM HORUM!

HIS HIS HIS!

HOS HAS HAEC!

HIS HIS HIS! Now all together.

Children: HIC HAEC HOC! HUIUS HUIUS HUIUS!

Geta: That's a good now.

HUIC HUIC HUIC! HUNC HANC HUNC! HOC HAC HOC!

Geta: Now plural.

HI HAE HAEC! HORUM HARUM HORUM!

HIS HIS HIS!

HOS HAS HAEC!

HIS HIS HIS!

Geta: AND DON'T FORGET THAT HAEC MEANS "THESE THINGS" TOO!

Children: OH TOO, YES TOO!

Geta: Good work, Children. That's all for today.

Children: HIC... HAEC... HOC!

Exit all.

Scene 3.

Enter Cornelius and Davus.

Cornelius: Boy! Boy! I say boy!

Davus: Yes Massah Cornelius?

Cornelius: Get to work, boy. I want to see those statues spit 'n' shine, boy.

Davus: Yessah massah. I be a good slave, I will, I will.

Cornelius: Good slave. Now, me 'n' the mississ are gonna go to Rome soon. Be a good slave 'an keep the other slaves out of trouble. Right, boy?

Davus: Yes massah.

Cornelius: What you say boy?

Davus: Yes-sir! I be a good slave. Want me ta do mah Anglo-dance, massah? I do it good, yes I do, I do.

Cornelius: No thank you, Davus. That'll be all.

Davus: Thanks a lot massah! Davus' a good slave he is.

Cornelius: Good. Vale.

Davus: Vale massah! Say hello to the mississ and the kid'ins.

Exit Cornelius.

Enter Parvina.

Parvina: Mr. Davus? What are you doing?

Davus: Slaves work, Parvina.

Parvina: Why are you doing that?

Davus: Because I'm a slave.

Parvina: Cool! Does that mean I'm above you?

Davus: Yes. Unfortunatly. I'm from England, you see. I was sold into slavery by Roman and "fortunatly" bought by that evil Cornelius!

Parvina: Why don't you just escape?

Davus: It's not that simple, Parvina, my dear. You see... I DUN KNOW NOTH'IN BOUT NO "FREEDOM SONG." I DUN HAVE NUN OF THOSE ASIAN GONGS. 'CAUSE MASSAH GOTTA A BAD CASE OF POISON MEATS. BUT HE'S OKAY CAUSE HE GOTS ME TA BEAT! Now, Parvina, the only problem with the getting away is that I don't know how. Freedom is nothing to be taken lightly, but... FREEDOM'S WHAT I NEED! FREEDOM'S A MIGHTY START! BUT WHAT MASSAH CAN'T EXPLAIN IS HALEJULAH! HALE – HALE –HA – HALEJULAH! Now some folks can't explain what freedom is. I say it's: A WORLD FILLED WITH PROMISE, UP TO THE BRIM. AND MASSAH AIN'T GONNA PULL NO MORE TRIMS CAUSE HE WAS THWARTED BY HALEJULAH! SO, I GOTTA SAY, HALE – HALE – HA – HALEJULAH!

Parvina: He said, HALE – HALE – HA –

Davus: I said, HALE – HALE – HA – HALEJULAH!

Parvina: But what if someone tries to get in the way of your freedom?

Davus: Then I'll... I'll poke their eyes out with a rusty knife!

Parvina: 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU INTERFERE WITH HALEJULAH! YA GOTTA GET 'EM WHILE THEY'RE DOWN – HALEJULAH! HALE – HALE –HA –

Davus: I said, HALE – HALE – HA –

Both: HALEJULAH! HALEJULAH! HALE – HALE – HA – HALEJULAH!

Enter Sextus and Marcus.

Davus: Parvina! Hide!

Parvina: Okay.

Marcus: I heard weird sounds coming from over in this direction. Were you singing, Davus?

Davus: No Massah Marcus. I'm a good slave, I am, I am. I only know Jupiter hymns, I do, I do.

Marcus: Good. Can we play around here?

Davus: Okay. But don't y'all break anything or the massah and his mississ will get into a fit.

Marcus and Sextus: Okay, Davus.

Davus: Bene. Now's I'ma gonna go polish the statues. Have fun kid'ins.

Sextus: Thank you!

(They play)

Marcus: Eho Sextus! Catch this ball!

Sextus: Okay!

(Sextus throws ball to where Parvina is hiding. He seeks it.)

I'll get it! (Seeks the ball.) Oh! Huh?

Parvina: Shh! Get over here! (Grabs and pulls Sextus into the hiding area.) Who are you? What are you doing here?

Sextus: Sextus... of the Cornelius family. Who – who are you?

Parvina: Parvina.

Sextus: Do you want to play ball?

Parvina: Sure just – (Sextus throws the ball at Parvina.) By hades, the hell are you doing?

Sextus: Ha ha! You're a girl. You can't play ball with me! That's men's work. Go bake some cakes!

Parvina: Get out! Out!

Sextus: What? (He is pushed out of the hiding spot.) Geez. What's that girl's problem?

Marcus: What happened?

Sextus: Nothing. Uh... What a nice statue. Wow. I wonder what... uh... happens when you push it down?

Marcus: Are you insane?!

Sextus: Uh... (Laughs.)

Davus: Ah! You done crushed mah statues. I cut you boys! I cut you good, I will, I will!

Marcus: No! Old Anglo-Davus has finally gone nuts. Let's go! I!

Sextus: Okay...

Davus: Abite molesti!

Sextus and Marcus: I! I!

Exit Sextus and Marcus.

Davus: Darn Romans... ITE AD DOMUM!

Parvina: Who are those two kids?

Davus: My master's children. The Marcus has a mind... but I don't know about Sextus... He needs Prozac!

Parvina: Huh??

Davus: Oh, right... Anachronisms... Um... Nothing!

Parvina: ...'Kay. Well, that boy was mean. By the way, do you need any help cleaning this up?

Davus: Don't worry about helping me. I'll do this 'cause it's slave's work. But you know what you can help me with?

Parvina: What?

Davus: Freedom!

Parvina: Yes, Freedom!

Both: HALE – HALE – HA –HALELUJAH!

Davus: Ya gots it! Both: HALE – HALE – HA –HALELUJAH! HALELUJAH!

Exit Parvina and Davus.

Enter Sextus. (spotlight on him.)

Sextus: I've never met a girl before that... Actually fought back. 'CAUSE THAT AIN'T WHAT WOMAN ARE FOR! WOMAN SHOULD BE USED – BARING KIDS AND STUFF! THEY SHOULDN'T BE ROUGH. DAINTY AND PRETTY, BUT NEVER EVER GRUFF. THAT AIN'T THE WAY A GIRL'S 'SPOSE TO BE. AIN'T THE WAY... NO, AIN'T THE WAY... But this girl was different! SHE FOUGHT BACK MY RANDOM ACTIONS WITH QUICK AND CUNNING TRACTION! PARVINA WAS HER NAME! THAT WAS IT, TRUE! SHE FELL FROM THE HEAVENS, WHAT CAN I DO? WHEN A GIRL AIN'T A GIRL SHE DOESN'T ACT LIKE A GIRL, NO SHE AIN'T LIKE A GIRL... NO MORE!

Exit Sextus.

Scene 4.

Enter Cornelia and Flavia.

Cornelia: Come on, Flavia! Run Faster!

Flavia: Why do we have to run through these dumb fields?

Cornelia: Because you want to be strong. That's why.

Flavia: But we're woman. Why should we be strong? We have men to do that.

Cornelia: Don't let anyone tell you that! We woman have to be strong. Men do the work, be we'll lead them someday.

Flavia: That's not right –

Cornelia: Just keep walking.

Flavia: Okay, Cornelia.

Enter Marcus and Sextus.

Sextus: Eho girls!

Cornelia: Cavatum.

Marcus: Ave!

Cornelia: Salve Marcus.

Flavia: Salve Marcus!

Cornelia: If you were going to come here, then why did you bring Sextus?

Sextus: Because I'm awesome.

Cornelia: What do you want?

Sextus: I... oh... nothing...

Cornelia: Good. Let's go, Flavia!

Sextus: Don't go! You have to cook dinner for me!

Flavia: Okay –

Cornelia: No! QUIT MOANING. QUIT GROANING. YOU STUPID BOY!

Sextus: QUIT LEARING. START CHURNING – OUT SOME FOOD!

Cornelia: AS YOUR OLDER SISTER... I WILL NOT!

Sextus: THEN YOU CAN DIE AND ROT!

Marcus and Flavia: GUYS! G-G-G-GUYS!

Sextus and Cornelia: WHAT NOW?!

Enter Wolf.

Sextus: Quick! To the tree! (he climbs up a tree.)

Marcus: I'll save you girls. (takes out trusty beating stick. British chasing theme starts.) Exit Wolf.

Flavia: Eugepae! You did it, Sextus!

Cornelia: Good job, bro.

Marcus: Thanks. Eho, where's Sextus?

Sextus: Up here!

Exit all.

Scene 5.

Enter Cornelius, Sextus, Marcus, Flavia and Cornelia.

Cornelius: You got chased by a wolf?

Marcus: Yes.

Cornelius: Well, it was lucky for you girls that Marcus and Sextus where around.

Cornelia: But Sextus just climbed a tree.

Cornelius: No matter. This cannot go any further. There is too much danger here. We're going back to Rome. Tomorrow.

Cornelia: No!

Cornelius: Yes. Now get to bed.

Exit all.

Enter Cornelius and Flavia (asleep.)

Cornelia: Flavia!

Flavia: Huh...?

Cornelia: Flavia!

Flavia: Cornelia? You can't come here. We're supposed to be asleep.

Cornelia: I know. I just wanted to see you before we left.

Flavia: Okay. You see me. So? Cornelia: Just... DON'T EVER FORGET ME, I'M BEGGING YOU SO.

Flavia: Why would I do that? BEFORE I MET YOU... I WAS A SIMPLE GIRL FILLED WITH LONG DULL DREAMS OF THE SKY! NOW THAT YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE... YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO... HOW TO RUN! HOW TO FLY! HOW TO SOAR! YOU TAUGHT ME THAT LIFE WASN'T A BOAR! THAT I CAN BE MORE THAN A MAID! I'M SAVED SAVED SAVED BECAUSE OF YOU!

Cornelia: WE'RE FRIENDS 'TILL THE END. THERE'S NO ESAPING! BECAUSE OF YOU!

BOTH: YOU! YOU! YOU! YOU!

Cornelia: Vale Flavia.

Flavia: Vale Cornelia.

Both: YOU!

Exit Cornelia and Flavia.

Enter Davus and Parvina.

Parvina: Why were they singing?

Davus: Well, for one thing this is a musical.

Parvina: Oh yeah.

Davus: And they're best friends departing soon.

Parvina: Aww... that's so sad.

Davus: Well, we've intruded in this scene long enough. Let's go.

Parvina: Okay.

Exit Parvina and Davus.