A/N: I don't know why I didn't post this here sooner! It's been on my website for a while now but I think a lot of PC fans, not just Rali fans, might get a laugh out of it ;-) This parody was written during Torn when Livvie was lying to Rafe.

And to answer your question...Yes, I watch WAY too much of the Maury Povich Show LOL!! Enjoy!


Maury: On today's show, boy I tell you we've got it all. We have shocking paternity results revealed, secrets and lies exposed, and lots more! So why don't we go ahead and bring out our first guest. She's twenty-one-year-old Livvie Locke who claims that she knows who the father of her baby is and she wants to prove that on today's show. So let's bring her out right now. Come on out, Livvie.

[Cue music. Livvie, dressed in a black blouse w/ cleavage walks down the steps, onto the stage and takes a seat by Maury.]

Maury: Welcome to the show, Livvie.

Livvie: Hi, Maury.

Maury: Now you're here today b/c you want to prove once and for all who the father of your 3 month-old-son Benjamin is.

Livvie: That's right, Maury.

Maury: Okay, that's Benjamin now.

[On the TV screen is a cute baby with dark hair, he's backstage. The audience goes "awww"]

Maury: Now you say that you are positive of who the father is.

Livvie: Yeah, I know who it is. It's my ex-husband Rafe Kovich. He's the only one I slept with.

Maury: And he doesn't think he is the father?

Livvie: Well he did in the beginning but now he says Ben isn't his. It's all b/c of this bitch Alison! She told him that I was lying to him and then he left me for her and now he won't take responsibility for this child!

Maury: Okay, now Rafe is waiting in the back, [Rafe is shown waiting backstage] and let's put his picture up there. [On the screen are two pictures side-by-side. One is Ben, one is Rafe. ]

Livvie: See, look at them, Maury! [she points to them] Don't they look just alike? He's got his eyes and nose. That nose does not run in my family!

Maury: Now before we bring Rafe out, let's hear what he had to say about this. Here he is with his fiancee Alison.

[Okay, now it's one of those cheesy footage shots on the streets of NYC LOL. Rafe is standing by a fence and Alison is beside him looking like, well picture the early Alison days LOL.]

Rafe: Livvie, I am 99.9% sure that this baby is not mine! You lied to me before and you're lying to me now, bitch! Look, I said I would be there for the baby if it was mine but it is clearly not so you need to stop trying to pin this kid on me! [Alison is shaking her head in agreement]

Alison: And listen, you little bitch, I know that you have a habit of sleeping around with guys that you barely know! This baby looks NOTHING like Rafe! The only reason you're saying it's his is b/c you want him. It's nothing but a way to hold on to him, and it's not even his! That's all a bunch of bull*BEEP*! So why don't you *BEEP* off and leave us the hell alone! Rafe is MY MAN!

[Livvie is getting all teary-eyed and Maury seems concerned.]

Maury: Is it hard to hear him say that? [Livvie shakes her head.] Okay, let's bring out Rafe and Alison.

[Cue music. Rafe and Alison come out on stage and the audience starts to boo at them]

Alison: Hey! Don't boo at us, we're the good guys! She's the one who's lying!

Livvie: Oh whatever, Alison! You're lying your *BEEP*ing ass off!

[Rafe points to the TV screen]

Rafe: We look nothing alike! Nothing!

Livvie: I don't know what the *BEEP* you're talking about, Rafe! That baby is yours and you *BEEP*ing well know it! Looks just like you! *BEEP*

Alison: Oh what the *BEEP* ever, Livvie! It's all a bunch of lies! You're just trying to hold on to Rafe but that *BEEP* is not going to work you *BEEP*!

Livvie: You're the *BEEP*!

Maury: Okay, ladies! Why don't you two take a seat.

Rafe: I don't want to sit next to that bitch. [Rafe moves his chair a few feet away from Livvie's and Alison does the same.]

Maury: Okay, now, Rafe, you say that you're sure you're not the father?

Rafe: I'm sure I'm not the father, Maury.

Livvie: That's a *BEEP*ing lie.

Alison: Shut up!

Maury: Rafe, what makes you think you're not the father?

Rafe: Well see, Maury, it's kind of a long story, but to make it short, a while back I had amnesia, and I was going through a rough time to say the least. Well Livvie had this thing for me and she tried to make me think that we had been in love before I had lost my memory even though we hadn't.

Alison: She tricked him into marrying her.

Livvie: I didn't trick him into marrying me, Alison. He married me b/c he WANTED to!

Alison: Whatever!

Rafe: So anyway, like I was saying, she's been lying to me this whole time, and now that I finally got my memory back, I know the kind of person she really is and I wouldn't put it past her to lie about this as well.

Maury: But now Livvie here says that you were the only one she slept with.

[Alison rolls her eyes]

Alison: Maury, can I just say something here? Rafe is not the only man she has slept with, I can guarantee that. And I'll bet that she was pregnant a lot earlier than she claimed to be and it's really Jack's!

Livvie: It is NOT Jack's!

Alison: Oh, I'm sorry, Livvie! It must be that random college guy then huh? You remember him, right? You know, the one you slept with on the night that Jack was going to propose to you? Or ooo, maybe it's Caleb's!

Livvie: Shut the *BEEP* up!

Alison: Oh come on, Livvie! We all know that sex is your favorite pastime! Did you know that she slept with three men in one week? One week! Three different men! Talk about one hell of a slut!

Livvie: *BEEP* Alison, I swear I've just about had it with your *BEEP*ing lies and I'm so damn tired of this *BEEP*!

Maury: Okay, calm down, everyone. Now there is another person involved in this matter. Livvie's ex-boyfriend Jack Ramsey [Jack is shown waiting backstage] claims that he thinks he may be the father of little Benjamin.

Livvie: He's NOT the father, Maury!

Maury: Well then the test will prove that, won't they? But now, ladies and gentlemen, I think this is the first time this has actually happened on this show. Jack has said that he actually WANTS this baby to be his, and that he wants to be a father to this child!

[the audience goes "awww"]

Maury: Let's hear what Jack had to say.

[Again, the cheesy NYC street footage. Jack is wearing a baseball cap backwards and is standing somewhere in Manhattan.]

Jack: Livvie, you're a lying ho and I can't believe you are keeping me away from my child! You keep saying Ben is Rafe's but then how come the months don't add up right? You said that Ben was born 2 months before his due date but he didn't seem premature to me! He was healthy and everything! The months don't add up right, Livvie! The months don't add up right! And you know what? I'm gonna sue your ass for custody of Benjamin! No way in hell I'm going to have my son raised by a lying psycho bitch like you!

Maury: Jack, come on out!

[Cue music. Jack come outs and he's acting like he's the "man" and the audience is cheering for him. Jack stands in front of Rafe's picture]

Jack: Look at that! See, Ben looks just like me!

Livvie: You're lying your *BEEP*ing ass off, Jack! I swear to god you better leave me the *BEEP*ing hell alone!

Jack: Shut up, Livvie! [Jack takes a seat along with Rafe and Alison.]

Maury: Alright, we're going to take a short break and we'll be back to talk to Jack.

Announcer: Are you teenage mother and unsure of who the father is and you want a paternity test? If so, call the Maury Show at 1 (800) 888-45-maury (62879).


Maury: Okay, we're back. Now things took an interesting turn. Livvie here claims that the father of her 3-month-old son Benjamin is Rafe, her ex-husband. Rafe says he is not the father and his fiancee Alison is in agreement. Both say that Livvie is lying about this. And now...Jack Ramsey is here. Jack is Livvie's ex-boyfriend, and he has stepped up and claimed that HE is the father of young Ben! But Livvie denys it. Now, Jack, what makes you think Livvie is lying about Benjamin's paternity?

Jack: Well just look at him, Maury. Doesn't he look just like me?

Alison: He really does!

Livvie: He looks nothing like you, ass*BEEP*. He's Rafe's son!

Rafe: Stop lying, Livvie! Enough with the lies!

Jack: You see, Maury, I was with Livvie about two months before she hooked up with Rafe. I think she was already pregnant with my child but she was just so hung up on Rafe that she tried to make him think it was his. And I counted the months and exactly nine months after we last slept together, Ben is born! And that's what made me suspicious. Of course, Livvie tried to tell me that Ben was premature but he was a healthy baby. He wasn't premature.

Livvie: Lies! All lies! He's just saying that b/c he still has a thing for me!

Jack: [laughing] Me? Still have a thing for you? Hellllll no! Look, don't mistake, Maury, I want NOTHING to do with this ho! All I want is for her to admit that she lied to me about Ben and I want a chance to raise my son!

Livvie: You *BEEP*!

Jack: Oh go *BEEP* yourself, Livvie! Or better yet, why don't you just go get some random guy off the street! Damn, I had better get myself checked for STD's huh? No telling what you might have gave me.

Livvie: *BEEP*! [Livvie gets out of her seat and starts to attack Jack and Maury has to intervene. He tries to calm Livvie down.]

Maury: We'll be right back.

Announcer: Are you teenage mother and unsure of who the father is and you want a paternity test? If so, call the Maury Show at 1 (800) 888-45-maury (62879).


Maury: Alright, we're back, and we have the results of the paternity tests. They're right here and we'll find out in just a few minutes. Now, I don't know what the results say, I haven't looked at them. Rafe, if Benjamin turns out to be your son, what will you do?

Rafe: Well, Maury, if Ben is mine, then there's no question, I'm going to be there for him. But as far as Livvie is concerned, I'm with Alison now and there is nothing she can do to change that.

Alison: Yeah, Livvie!

Livvie: Shut up, you'll see I was right!

Maury: And, Jack, if Ben turns out not to be your son, how do you think you'll handle that?

Jack: Well, Maury, I've kind of grown attached to the little guy, I think I'd be crushed but really, I just want to know the truth.

Alison: Don't we all?

Rafe: The truth would be nice!

Maury: Okay, well let's find out now. [Maury take results out of the envelope] When it comes to the paternity of little Benjamin...Rafe, you are NOT the father! Jack, you ARE the father!

[Rafe, Alison, and Jack are all up out of there seats jumping up and down excitedly.]

Livvie: *BEEP*! [Livvie is so upset that she runs offstage and to the back in tears. Maury follows Livvie backstage and finds her bawled up in the corner crying uncontrollably. He kneels down and tries to talk to her. Then in the next clip, Jack is sitting on a couch with his little boy.]

Announcer: Is someone lying to you and you want to prove it? If so, call the Maury Show at 1 (800) 888-45-maury (62879).


Maury: Okay, earlier in the show, we had some shocking paternity results. Now remember Rafe and Alison? They were convinced that Livvie was lying to them about little Benjamin's paternity. Well they are convinced that Livvie had been lying to them about other things as well. So, Alison has seen this show before and was familiar with our famous lie detector tests and asked us if we could do one at the end of the show. Now why is that, Alison?

Alison: Well, Maury, Livvie has lied to us so much that we think she's actually starting to believe these lies are truth.

Rafe: We think that once she finally hears the truth, she'll get the help she needs.

Maury: Okay, let's bring out Livvie again.

[Cue music. Livvie comes back out, the audience boos at her now that they know she is a liar.]

Livvie: Oh shut the *BEEP* up! Every *BEEP*ing one of you! I don't have to take this *BEEP* from you! [Livvie sits down] This show's a crock, everyone! A *BEEP*ing crock! That *BEEP*ing paternity test was fixed, Maury!

Maury: Now calm down, Livvie. The tests were not fixed. Now you know why you're back, don't you?

[Livvie says nothing but has this pissed off look on her face]

Maury: Now, Livvie, Rafe and Alison are convinced that you have been lying to them about other things and they wanted to prove it to you once and for all.

Livvie: This show is *BEEP*ed up!

Maury: Before the show, we gave Livvie a lie detector test, and I have the results right in my hand. Livvie, when we asked you if you were the one responsible for scraping off Rafe and Alison's carved heart in the barn, you said no. THAT'S A LIE!

[Audience boos]

Livvie: Oh, whatever! Go to hell!

Maury: We asked you if pink roses were your favorite flower, you said yes, that's also a LIE!

[Livvie rolls her eyes]

Maury: We asked you if you and Rafe made love for the very first time in the barn, you said yes, THAT'S A LIE! And for the big one, we asked if you and Rafe were EVER involved, you said yes, and THAT was a LIE!

Livvie: *BEEP* I don't have to take any of this *BEEP*! This show is *BEEP*ed up! [Livvie storms off the stage angrily] *BEEP*! I hate every *BEEP*ing one of you!

[Rafe and Alison looked at each other, a bit relieved]

Maury: We'll be right back.

Announcer: Is someone lying to you and you want to prove it? If so, call the Maury Show at 1 (800) 888-45-maury (62879).


Maury: Okay, what you just saw actually happened two months ago and we're back with updates. Now remember Livvie? She claimed that Rafe was the father of her son, but Rafe and his fiancee Alison denyed it and said Livvie was lying about that and other things as well. Well, it turned out that Rafe was not the father, but Livvie's ex-boyfriend Jack WAS the father! And he wanted to take responsibility for the child. Well Jack, Rafe, and Alison sent us a video update and here it is...

[Video: Jack is holding Ben, Rafe and Alison are standing beside Jack.]

Jack, Rafe, and Alison: Hi, Maury! [Jack raises Ben's little arm up to wave.]

Jack: Maury, we just wanted to give you an update on what's been going on since the show. Livvie had a mental breakdown and she was sent to the mental hospital to get some help, and since then, I've been raising my son Ben on my own and we've been doing just fine. He's growing everyday and I'm not missing it.

Rafe: And, Maury, since we got Livvie out of our lives, Alison and I have been very happy together. Our wedding is next week.

Alison: And guess what! We're having a baby!

Rafe: And we're positive it's ours! We're going to live a happy life together.

Alison: Thank you, Maury for all of your help!

Jack, Rafe, and Alison: Bye!

Ben: [makes baby noises]