Jean Valjean: Owner's Guide and Manual
DragonLady

Disclaimer: Victor Hugo, may he rest in peace, wrote Les Miserables. The musical is owned by Cameron Mackintosh. The Owner's Guide and Manual format is owned by Theresa Green, and is used with her permission.

Congratulations. You are a proud owner of a JEAN VALJEAN. Your JEAN VALJEAN incorporates the properties of both Victor Hugo's novel and the Schonberg-Boublil masterpiece. Please follow the procedures detailed in this manual.

Technical Specifications:

Name: Jean Valjean. Aliases: le Cric (the Jack), Madeleine, Ultime Fauchelevent, and Urbain Fabre
Type: Saint
Manufactures: Myriel Reclamation Inc.
Date of Production: October 1815
Height: 5'
Weight: 164 lbs. (Take note: overly muscled)

Accessories:
a) One yellow passport
b) One peasant farmer's outfit
c) One wealthy industrialist's outfit
d) One retired pensioner's outfit
e) One horrible yellow frock coat outfitted with various disguises

e.1) Disguises vary
f) One slim case containing children's clothes
g) Assorted false papers
h) One small saw inside a coin
i) One box containing 584,500 francs
i.1) These francs are not legal tender
j) Two silver candlesticks

Replacement and additional accessories are available. Under no circumstances attempt to remove items f) and j), for your JEAN VALJEAN will be very attached to them.

Installation:

Your JEAN VALJEAN will arrive at your home in a dormant state. Remove him from the box and lay him out in a warm, soft place. Place the candlesticks where he can see them. When your JEAN VALJEAN awakes, answer all of his questions in a firm and friendly voice. If you own a COSETTE or a BISHOP MYRIEL unit, have that unit in the room with you. If you own a JAVERT unit, under no circumstances have that unit in the room with you. Your JEAN VALJEAN unit will run away, and you might not see him again.

For your convenience, your JEAN VALJEAN has been programmed to understand your language, in addition to French. If you are French, your JEAN VALJEAN has no other language capabilities.

Programming:

Your JEAN VALJEAN had two modes: Convict and Saint. You may set your JEAN VALJEAN to operate in one mode, however, he will switch back and forth between modes as the situation dictates. Do not attempt to disable either mode.

While in Convict mode, your JEAN VALJEAN will behave as an ex-convict. He will be vulgar, violent, and larcenous. Your JEAN VALJEAN will steal your possessions and lie to you while in this mode.

While in Saint mode, your JEAN VALJEAN will behave as a saint. He will be erudite, chaste, magnanimous, deeply religious, and prone to lecture. This is his default and dominant mode.

WARNING: Several customers have tried to utilize their JEAN VALJEAN for various bedroom activities. Do not attempt. If you try to utilize your JEAN VALJEAN unit for such things while in Saint mode, he will be deeply disturbed and avoid you or lecture you on the sinfulness of your actions. If you attempt such utilization while your unit is in Convict mode, he will most likely render you unconscious and steal something as payment for the privilege. If your JEAN VALJEAN wants to play, he will let you know. (That's assuming that he has the capability; he is in his sixties.)

WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY DAMAGES OR LOSSES THAT RESULT FROM FAILURE TO HEED THE ABOVE WARNING.

Functions: Your JEAN VALJEAN is a hard and tireless worker. He is both efficient and intelligent, and may perform a variety of jobs.

a) Personal Accountant: Your JEAN VALJEAN contains all the knowledge of a self-made millionaire. Merely hand your JEAN VALJEAN the appropriate forms and manuals, and he will have your personal finances balanced in no time! Your unit can also perform tax calculations and filing. WARNING: Make certain that your unit is in Saint mode before utilizing this function.

b) Legal Aide: Having once been a magistrate, your JEAN VALJEAN possesses the aptitude to serve as full legal counsel. Merely provide him with the appropriate law books to read. Your JEAN VALJEAN will service as that most ephemeral of concepts: the honest lawyer.

c) Librarian: Your JEAN VALJEAN is fond of books, quiet, and solitude. Familiarize him with the filing system, and you will never worry for misplaced books again.

d) Gardener: Your JEAN VALJEAN contains almost encyclopedic knowledge of gardening lore, including multiple uses for the common nettle.

e) Laborer: Possessed of legendary strength and stamina, there is nothing your JEAN VALJEAN cannot lift and carry. He may even service as a jack, as his prison sobriquet attests. WARNING: If your unit incurs damage as a result of attempting to define the limits of his strength, you are responsible for repair costs.

f) Preacher: Religious, merciful, and educated; your JEAN VALJEAN will woo any parish. Though he may balk at all the attention and praise, overcome this by emphasizing all the good he could do as a man of the cloth.

H-Model Compatibility:

Your H-Model JEAN VALJEAN is compatible with most units.

He is especially fond of the COSETTE, BISHOP MYRIEL, TOUSSAINT, FANTINE, and any of the VAGABOND units. This includes any EPONINE, GAVROCHE, or AZELMA units that are not in the vicinity of a THENARDIER or MME. THENARDIER unit. Your JEAN VALJEAN will also get along with any of the LES AMIS D'ABC REVOLUTIONARIES PACKAGE units.

Your JEAN VALJEAN is compatible with the MARIUS units only if he has not been exposed to a COSETTE unit. If your JEAN VALJEAN has been exposed to a COSETTE unit, exposure to a MARIUS unit will cause your JEAN VALJEAN to seclude himself and pine away. A MARIUS unit will also cause your COSETTE unit to abandon your JEAN VALJEAN unit until it is too late for repair.

Your JEAN VALJEAN unit will attempt to reprogram any of the PATRON-MINETTE ROGUES AND SCOUNDRELS PACKAGE units near him into honest citizens. However, he will not do them any lasting damage outside of the intended reprogramming should they threaten him -- which they will. The same follows for any THENARDIER and MME. THENARDIER units.

JEAN VALJEAN units are semi-compatible with JAVERT units. To see to it your JEAN VALJEAN unit will not flee from your JAVERT unit, merely explain to both units that the statute of limitations is up on your JEAN VALJEAN unit's crimes. Your JEAN VALJEAN unit will happily adapt to being free. However, it is doubtful he will befriend your JAVERT unit until you install the "Pont Notre-Dame Crisis" program in your JAVERT unit. If you do not install the "Pont Notre-Dame Crisis" program, your JEAN VALJEAN unit will ignore your JAVERT unit whenever possible and fight with him over treatment of the VAGABOND units.

JEAN VALJEAN units are not prone to pairing, due to the Saint protocols. However, many users have found success with a FANTINE unit who has not been exposed to a THOLOMYES unit. Though extremely unlikely, your JEAN VALJEAN unit is capable of pairing with an EPONINE or AZELMA unit. He will probably desire a marriage ceremony in any pairing. Under no circumstances will he pair with a COSETTE unit.

S-Model Compatibility:

Your S-Model JEAN VALJEAN shares compatibility with the H-Models, though the pairing protocols are quite different. Due to the Biblical view of S-Model functions, your JEAN VALJEAN will be in Convict mode while pairing. This will result in very devious behavior in connection with pairing functions.

Your JEAN VALJEAN is pairable with any of the LES AMIS D'ABC REVOLUTIONARIES PACKAGE units. Under no circumstances will your JEAN VALJEAN pair with any of the PATRON-MINETTE ROGUES AND SCOUNDRELS PACKAGE units, including the THENARDIER units. Nor will he pair with a MARIUS unit.

WARNING: Your JEAN VALJEAN unit will only pair with another unit if he has not been exposed to a JAVERT unit. If exposed to an S-Model JAVERT unit, he will not leave said unit alone until the unit has paired with him. If exposed to an H-Model JAVERT unit, he will reprogram the H-Model into an S-Model and proceed to woo the unit. Your JEAN VALJEAN will, unfortunately, refuse to pair with any unit other than the JAVERT unit.

We apologize for the inconvenience.

Operating Procedure:

Cleaning: Your JEAN VALJEAN unit is quite fastidious. Simply explain to him the function of the plumbing, and he will care for his own cleaning needs. You will also need to explain the use of dental hygiene tools to him.

Energy: Your JEAN VALJEAN unit can process all human foods. To aid transition, for the first few weeks you may wish to feed him exclusively French foods. Then you may desire to phase in your native country's dishes.

Your JEAN VALJEAN will require roughly eight hours of recharging time per day. While recharging, your JEAN VALJEAN unit will appear to be asleep.

Frequently Asked Questions:

Q: Lately, my JEAN VALJEAN unit has been jumping at the least little noise and talking about Calais. What is the cause?

A: A JAVERT unit is lurking around your home. Your JEAN VALJEAN unit is afraid he will be arrested and sent back to the galleys. Simply explain to him again that the statute of limitations is up on his crimes, and chase the strange JAVERT unit away.

Q: My unit has begun staring at dark-haired little girls and following them home. Why?

A: JEAN VALJEAN units have a deep-seated need to take care of something. Your unit wants a COSETTE unit of his own, so be a dear and purchase him one. If you do not want to buy a COSETTE unit, then tell him that continuing to follow little girls home will get him arrested. An EPONINE or AZELMA unit will suffice, as will giving him a maltreated JAVERT unit to care for.

Q: My unit has been nominated Mayor. Is this normal? How can I repair it?

A: Yes, this is normal behavior. It is not reparable. Look on the bright side, though: your community will be run by an honest politician.

Q: My unit has been eyeing bracelets lately, and wandering around muttering figures under his breath. What is going on?

A: Your JEAN VALJEAN unit's "Madeleine" protocol has been activated. To deactivate, expose him to a CHAMPMATHIEU unit.

Q: My unit has begun wandering aimlessly around the house and muttering to himself. I've often heard him sobbing at night. Also, my COSETTE unit has begun disappearing. What is going on?

A: Your COSETTE unit has found a MARIUS unit, and is beginning to abandon your JEAN VALJEAN unit. Purchase him a new COSETTE unit, and return the old one at no cost.

Q: My unit has been giving all of his allowance away. Is there any way to stop this?

A: No.

Q: I simply adore my JEAN VALJEAN unit, and would like to purchase another one. Is this possible?

A: No. Only one JEAN VALJEAN unit is allowed per household.

Final Note:

Your JEAN VALJEAN unit will serve you faithfully for many years. There are no refunds available for JEAN VALJEAN units, only returns. If your JEAN VALJEAN unit is scared away by a JAVERT unit we will replace him once at no cost to you. Any further replacements will be given to you at one-quarter cost. The same policy applies to units lost due to a MARIUS unit.