An IMAX Special: Survivor Middle-earth

Disclaimer: I don't own anything remotely Middle-earth-ish or Survivor- ish. The new host is mine, the stupid boat is mine, and the boat-driving guy with no life is mine. Don't I sound so proud? The general idea isn't even mine, since I stole it from about three other people who already wrote Survivor Middle-earth stories, but I beg you on hands and knees not to be mad at me.

Random Note: Just so you know, this isn't meant to be a masterpiece. You'll probably figure that out pretty soon anyway. It's just really fun to write and hopefully funny to read. Don't give up on it too soon. It gets better the dumb beginning, which I wrote several months ago. It's currently almost a hundred sides of notebook paper long, and still not done, but if the length is going to scare you away, forget I said that. Also, I paired up the tribes in a completely not-random way to get as much conflict as possible (wa ha ha ha!), despite what Jessica says later in the intro. Also, it's based on both the books and the movies.


Episode 1: Introduction

The camera zooms over Middle-earth, apparently filming from a helicopter. They hit some turbulence over the Misty Mountains, making everyone watching on the IMAX screens want to puke. This was professional filming?

Finally, the scene shifts to another camera over the Dead Marshes, the tiny "candles" of the dead glowing like orange stars in the bleak, murky, icky landscape. These shots of random locations go on for another twenty agonizing minutes. After all, this is what IMAX photographers seem to live for. Fortunately, the people watching are extremely dedicated Lord of the Rings and Survivor fans.

At long last, you can see a motorboat on the shores of Mithlond, looking at least totally out of place. The cameras zoom in on the eighteen people aboard. One is an old boat-driving guy with no life. Another is the new hostess, Jessica, who's wearing a pink leather jacket and too much make-up. The rest of the passengers are the new survivors, who are all too familiar to the millions of Lord of the Rings addicts with their eyes glued to the screen.

"Hey, everyone! Welcome to Middle-earth! I'm your new hostess, Jessica!" she squeals, batting her eyelashes. The audience can't help wondering how she of all people got this job. "We have now arrived in... well, who cares where? I'm sure everyone is as pumped to be here as me!!!"

She waits for their response, but all she gets are incredulous stares. Finally Pippin yells "Yeah!" just so she'll move on.

"I will now announce our RANDOMLY selected tribes! Ready? Here we go! The first tribe is the Alcarinque tribe. It means 'the glorious', and the following peeps I call off will need to get a blue buff from me! Okie dokie? Gollum, Frodo, Samwise, Boromir, Arwen, Witch-King, Eowyn, and Legolas!"

Sam and Frodo cheer, but no one else in their tribe seems thrilled. The Witch-King glares daggers at Eowyn, who smirks but can't help looking nervous. Both she and Arwen try to hide their disappointment at not being in Aragorn's tribe. They fail miserably.
"Your camp will be in Mordor," Jessica tells them, "and since I understand that's really really really far from here, you may start walking now."

"Walking!?" Boromir cries. "That's madness! It will take a year! It's clear across the world!"

"Hey, dude, chill! I didn't pick your sites," she replies defensively, combing her perfect blonde hair with her perfectly manicured fingers. "Feel free to stop along the way. Anyhow, the next tribe is the Tier-firn tribe! It means 'road-kill'! Sweet, huh? Everybody left, which is Meriadoc, Peregrin, Gandalf, Saruman, Galadriel, Aragorn, Gimli, and Treebeard, gets a pink frilly buff I designed myself!"

The Tier-firns groan at the sight of their buffs, but Gimli perks up when he notices that Galadriel is on his tribe. Since Aragorn gets along with too many people to take them all away, he gets pretty lucky, though the whole Gandalf-Saruman combination can't be good.

"I refuse to take anything so stupid-looking!" Saruman objects loudly, crossing his arms and frowning. "What do I even do with it?"

"You soooooo need a fashion lesson! These are buffs! Hello! You were them on you head! Like duh!"

Everyone in the Alcarinque tribe quickly ties them on their heads, having been wondering the same thing. Only Arwen gets it on the right way.

After about five minutes of standing there, and just as the cameraman is about to call for a commercial break, Aragorn steps forward and takes a pink buff, despite the frilly lace, smiley hearts, and white zig-zags. He turns back to his team after clumsily tying it on his head. He nods, and they step forward one by one. If the King of Gondor and Arnor was willing to humiliate himself with that stupid thing, why shouldn't they?

"Super! You all look so CUTE! Your camp will be in Moria! How lucky! What a pretty name, huh?"

Merry, Pippin, Gandalf, Aragorn, and Gimli stare at her like electrocuted fishes.

"We can't go there!" Pippin protests.

"Last time we almost died!" Merry adds.

"Speak for yourselves," Gandalf mutters. "Thanks to a certain Dwarf, I did die. You're lucky I came back to life."

"I'm not! I hate you!" Saruman raves at the White Wizard. "You ruined my life!"

"And it's not my fault all of the Dwarves were dead!" Gimli argues. "I thought-"

"Chill, guys. It's the past, okay? I want all of you to have a nice group hug and forgive each other!" Jessica orders them before flashing her perfectly white teeth in a sunny smile.

"HUG GANDALF!?" Saruman bellows. "And all my worst enemies!? That Ent destroyed everything I had! AND I HATE HALFLINGS!"

Merry and Pippin shrink back and hide behind Treebeard.

"Right, uh..." Jessica begins, finally figuring out that Saruman isn't someone you want to mess with. "You may now head to your camps! Happy trails! Namarie! Oh, Elf-ese is so fun to use!" She blows a kiss at both tribes and starts waving before they even start to leave.

"That was Quenya, not Elf-ese that you were speaking," Legolas informs her as he walks by.

"Whatever, hottie," she replies. The Elven prince abruptly stops and glares at her. The camera zooms way in on his icy blue eyes, then back out.

WHAM! He does an awesome spinning kick and knocks the hostess off her pink high-heels. All the obsessed Leggy-fangirls and Jessica-haters in the audience cheer hysterically.

Jessica gets to her feet and fixes her hair nervously.

"Well, I guess that concludes our first episode!" she squeals in obviously fake delight. "Buh-bye!"