Notes: Just a little one-shot. I can't get this song out of my head, and I wanted to try my hand at writing... So here goes. My first attempt, so please, be gentle! The song for this fic is 'Diary' by Bread.
I don't own Teen Titans. I'm just an ordinary poor fan boy with
nothing else to do in his life except write fanfics about a series he
particularly likes. Got it? Good.
"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine."
She was so beautiful. We had all grown up a bit, over the years. Now, at seventeen, she was more captivating than ever. She was there, sitting on her favorite armchair in the tower. Reading a book, silent as usual. I was waiting for my turn at the TV. I cast her a glance, and like magic, she looked up at me. Our eyes locked. My smiling ones with her cold glare. I winked at her and quickly turned to Star's Soap Opera, avoiding a dangerous attack of telekinesis.
She started to speak in that voice of hers, and I looked, thinking she was talking to me. I was wrong. She had turned to Robin, who was standing behind her chair.
While she was distracted, I took the chance to observe her. I examined everything. Her hair, eyes, mouth, neck... and other parts as well.
I had always liked her. Raven, I mean. She just had that thing about her. That mystery, that just attracts me like a magnet. She was an outcast among outcasts. Even if we prided ourselves in being superheroes, icons of everything humanity stood for, it still didn't change the fact that we were different.
We were- are freaks.
Starfire, the bubbly alien princess. She may look good, but honestly, if she weren't a member of the Titans, would anyone really accept a weird skinny orange-skinned teenager?
Cyborg's just another victim of this world's harsh reality, I guess. A man-made freak. Someone who has grown to love machinery more than his fellow man.
Robin... he may not be as obvious as the rest of us, but you know he's different. He's been hurt to many times. You can see it in his eyes. Even if there is a mask, the sorrow is still there. He just tries to cover it up with his whole calm, cool, collected leader attitude. But he's only human. He has to let the emotions out. And it did. When it comes to Slade, that guy is a walking time bomb.
And me. The green furry freak. I've always been an odd one out. I can't hide behind a secret identity, nor can I just take off my mask and pretend not to care. Heck, I don't even wear a mask!
Whatever we do, we can't hide the facts. That's why we all learned to cover up our real emotions. Cyborg's crying inside for his dead humanity, I know. A deep sorrow and hurt floats around Star when you ask about her sister. They cover it up with loud, cheery, uncaring attitudes.
So do I.
But sometimes, all of us crack a bit. The wall built around us breaking down when no one expects it. It happens, though not very often.
That's why Raven's special. When she looks into my eyes, I can see that we both have the same emotions. The same soul-searching gaze. A need to find our place in a world that will never accept us. I can look into her eyes forever, and fall in love all over again.
I need to tell her. I need to show her how I feel. I need to ask her if she wants to be with me.
But how can I? She's too beautiful for me. I don't deserve her. She's a Goddess. I can only worship the ground she walks on. Joke with her now and then, when she lets those beautiful eyes show beneath the hood.
But I just have to, I guess. I'll never know if she feels the same way, right? A man has the right to dream.
Suddenly a vase came out of nowhere and hit me in the head. I could feel the start of a bruise. I glared at the vase, then at the attacker.
"Have you ever been told it's impolite to stare?" Raven said in her monotone, a trace of a smirk on her lips.
I flushed, caught in the act. Apparently Robin had long ended the conversation and was now seated comfortably on the couch, between me and Starfire.
"I- uh... I- was- um... reading the title of your book! Yeah that's right, I was trying to read the title of your book!" I stammered. I smiled, quite proud of myself for thinking of the excuse.
"For ten whole minutes?" She answered, and my smile fell, my purple cheeks turning even redder.
"The type is hard to read..." I answered.
"Sure. Whatever." She replied. "I'm going outside," she announced to no one in particular. "Away from staring pervs." She stood, picked up her book and floated away, casting a glance in my direction on the way out.
I should have felt ashamed. I should have had my tail between my legs in humiliation. But I wasn't. Right then, all I could think of was the way she glanced at me. She glanced at me! She never looks anybody except when she means something. Was she suggesting I meet her outside? Or maybe she was just really pissed off at my staring. Or maybe she was looking at what was on the tube? Am I overanalyzing this?
'Only one way to find out.' I thought to myself. But how can I check without looking like a fool? Of course, use my powers. Sometimes, I think its luck and luck alone that keeps me alive in our missions. My idiocy shocks even me, sometimes.
I quickly morphed into a small bird and flew out the window. I searched the garden surrounding our Tower, the green trees and grass contrasting with the yellow sands of the beach. I found her after a few minutes, seated comfortably beneath the shade of a tree, behind the tower. I was ecstatic! I was just about to land and morph and talk to her, when she suddenly got up and left. Just left. Like she knew I was about to get there. In fact, she looked like she was running away from me. So quick was her departure, she forgot a notebook she must have been carrying.
'Oh well, I guess I have to at least return this to her.' I thought, as I stepped over to the spot she had been sitting only minutes ago. As I bent to pick it up, I realized it must be a very special notebook, for it was decorated beautifully in ornamental designs. It had a gold trimming around the corners and had a lock and key.
My heart gave a little leap inside my chest. Admittedly, beneath my chivalrous front, the demon inside me was jumping for joy. Here was a chance to read the most private thoughts of the girl of my dreams! I almost gave a cry but suppressed it when my moral side started to emerge.
Anyone who was passing by at that very moment might have seen a weird green teenaged boy with his brow furrowed in indecision.
Should I read it? Or not? If I really am the gentleman I claim to be, then I shouldn't intrude on her privacy. What would I be if I read it without any thoughts on how she might feel? But then again, it seems almost like fate stepped in to give me this chance to get to know her better. I battled against myself mentally.
So caught up was I in my internal debate that I didn't realize that my trembling hands had released the object of my indecision on the green, green grass below. I looked down suddenly and found in lying there, open, with Raven's neat handwriting for all the world to see.
I finally gave in and started reading. The entry was for today. I slowly sat down on the same spot where she was only moment before. Or was it a lifetime?.
I spoke to him today. He really is so cute when he is smiling. I had to leave the tower so they wouldn't see me blush. I just can't keep it to myself anymore. I really do think I'm falling for him. He is so sad at times, but he still manages to be strong for the rest of us. Always having those words that make me smile before each mission.
I kept thinking of him earlier, while I was reading. And that's when we talked. I know I'm kind of shallow, since it was really quite a trivial conversation, but I can't help it. I value every word he says and exchanges with me.
We are so alike in so many ways. Sometimes, when I look into his eyes, I think I can drown in them. I've read that eyes are the windows to a person's soul. I can see that his are tortured. But he can still smile. I envy him so much.
I want to meet him later. I want to tell him how I feel. But I don't know how too. I can't always be so open with my emotions. I might wipe out the entire city when I tell him. I want to tell him in my own special way. Hope it won't make him laugh. I hope even more that he'll come. I'm planning to meet him later tonight. At eight. Under my favorite tree...
I have to do it right now. Before I lose the nerve....
Her words stopped there. But I had read enough. I didn't need to read anymore. My heart and soul were already singing Hallelujahs to high heaven. She loves me! She actually loves me!
'Ok now Garfield... pull yourself together. This is obviously her way of telling you to meet with her. So get a GRIP!' I mentally chided myself.
'I need to return this ASAP' I thought as I swiftly started walking towards the entrance of the tower. I needed to get her something too... wait! Can't I just give this to her? Wouldn't that be really, really smooth and suave? No. I'll just give it to her. She fell in love with me. Not a smooth-talking pretty-boy. I'll just give it to her, and buy her something else.
By the time I finished my last thought, I was already in front of her door, my legs seeming to have a will all their own.
'Just do it!' I screamed inside.
I knocked. Once. Twice. Three times.
Finally, when I was sure my heart was in the back of my throat, the door opened a crack, and beautiful eyes stared from the darkness.
"Oh. It's you." She said coldly, after recognition replaced question in those eyes I saw so very often in my dreams.
"I came to return this." I said timidly, holding up the tome that made me as happy as Starfire when she first tasted mustard. Her eyes narrowed upon seeing the diary, and looked at me with a frosty glare.
Then, as if the significance of the notebook suddenly dawning on her, those soulful eyes widened to a shocked expression. Panicked.
"Did you read it? DID YOU?" She screamed. A window broke, whether from her powers or from her voice, I didn't know. Her reaction surprised me. It's hard to get Raven all worked up. She usually kept her emotions in check. She must be really anxious about all this.
I observed her as she fought to regain her control. I'll just play it at her own pace, I guess...
"You sure?" Her eyes narrowing.
"Ok then. Goodbye. See you later." She said, back to the cold emotionless voice I've learned to love.
"Wait-" I began, but was too late, for she had already closed the door. The inside of her room yet again the unattainable place I longed to be.
"Ok. I'll wait. Like you said Raven, later. Tonight." I uttered softly to myself as I turned to head towards the exit of the headquarters.
"I'm going out! I'm buying something!" I shouted at everybody in general. Starfire was still glued to the TV set, Cyborg still playing with his gameboy. Robin was nowhere in sight.
'Hmmm... Fearless leader must have another mystery to solve.' I smirked privately. Glad that I didn't have any more problems in my life.
I was humming a song when I morphed into a hawk and flew towards the mall. Most times, I drown all my sorrows when I fly. There is something about just floating around, hundreds of feet above everything else, which just makes you forget your trouble. Make the problems as small as the ant-sized people below.
But right now, flying just added to my joy. I already thought I had wings, my morph was just something barely noticeable. I once thought nothing could beat flying. I knew better now, as I thought of all things I should get for her. I had to make tonight special. With my powerful eyes, I saw something in a jewelry store's display window. It was perfect.
There was something better than flying:
I was ready. My hair was combed. I was wearing my best clothes, casual, so that she won't be intimidated. My gift was in my pocket. I touched it again, just to test if this was really happening. The reassuring feeling made me feel like I was flying.
I left my room when it was after dinner, not bothering to eat, thinking that I might throw up from the anxiety. I felt the cold beads of sweat form on the back of my neck as I headed towards the back of the tower.
To her tree.
The knots in my stomach almost felt painful, but it was a good feeling.
'This is actually happening!' I thought. I struggled to keep my cool. As if. I couldn't even move without trembling.
'I'm almost there...' I smiled inwardly. Suddenly, all traces of my happiness fell away.
"Hi BB. What are you doing here?"
"Hi Rob. Nothing... Just wanted to take a walk..." I excused lamely. My mind was reeling from millions of insecurities and stray thoughts.
"Ok man... Whoa, you're shaking. You cold? I'm sure as hell not." He laughed nervously. His smile strained. He wasn't wearing his mask right now. This was the only time I've ever seen him without it. His eyes danced with anxiety, happiness and... love?
And then it clicked.
She was talking to Robin before I stared.
Robin was behind me when she glanced my way.
I held back the tears and the bitter, bitter disappointment.
"Hey BB, can I ask you a favor? Can you please avoid this place later? Please? I have to meet someone, and I'm really nervous about it. Can you please give me a bit of privacy? I'll owe you one." He said, sincerely. He was looking downwards, not looking in my eyes.
"Beast Boy?" He looked up. And then he saw my eyes. Eyes ARE the windows to your soul. Didn't take him long to figure it out. He IS the world's greatest detective's apprentice.
"Ahh... man... I'm sorry. I must have been mistaken. Ahh..." He started to say. Good old Robin. Always looking out for others. He didn't need to say it.
"It's ok Rob... It is you... Go to her man..." I said, pointing at the shadow slowly floating from her room. He looked up. Then back at me. He looked helpless.
"Just one thing... how did she tell you?" I asked. I had to.
"She left a poem in my room. I had to figure it out. It was sort of a puzzle. I just solved it 30 minutes ago." He uttered. Brokenly.
"Looks like you have nothing to give her." I smiled softly.
"Ah man! You're right! I'm so thoughtless..." He frowned.
"Look no prob..." I took out my gift, put it in his shaking hand, and clasped his frozen fingers around the tiny box.
"Just... take care of her man..."
With that, I morphed to a raven and flew away.
His shocked look turned to wonder as he opened the gift. Once mine, now his. Forever hers. A necklace of a dark angel. A Raven.
I flew up towards Raven's room and read the last paragraph, previously unwritten..
I have to do it right now. Before I lose the nerve. I can just picture his eyes... I have to ask him to take off that mask. Wish me luck diary. I just hope that birds of the same feather really do flock together..
In my current form, I couldn't cry. But I could have sworn I saw tiny tears stain her diary. I turned away and started towards the window.
Maybe I'll fly tonight. Just fly. Make all the hurt and pain become as small as those ant-sized people below.
But I couldn't make Raven small enough to forget. No matter what happens, I'll still love her.
As I circled over the tower for the last time, Robin uttered something, only I, with my bird senses could have heard. Something he whispered as he started to walk towards the girl of our dreams, the dark ice princess.
"I'll give her all your love, BB."
I love you Raven, and you will always have my heart. But I may never have yours.
I hope you and Robin will fly together forever.
"And as I go through my life,
I would give to her, his wife,
All the sweet things she can find.
All the sweet things they can find."
Notes: If you want the original unedited version, e-mail me.