Disclaimer: Harry Potter Characters are not mine, they belong to J.K. Rowling. The IRS belongs to the US Government, but I wouldn't want them even if you gave them to me.
Note: Includes profanity. If you can do your taxes without profanity, you're a stronger person than me.
Lord Voldemort and the Internal Revenue Service
The date was April 14th when Lord Voldemort sat down with his W-2 forms, his pocket calculator, and a handful of freshly sharpened quills to do his taxes, like any good, law-abiding evil overlord. He knew he'd left things until the last minute, but how hard could it be?
Voldemort looked at the first line: Name.
"Uh-oh." He mused. "Should I put Tom Riddle? Or Lord Voldemort? Or He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?"
He-Who-Has-Too-Many-Names felt a vague foreboding. Maybe this was going to be harder than he thought. He should have gone to H&R Block. Still, he pressed on, filling in his address and social security number.
Filing Status. Hm, well, he was single. He'd tried dating of course, but it was so hard when you were busy with being evil, terrorizing muggles, and giving that Potter boy nightmares. He was about to check single when he looked at the other options.
"Wait, I'm the head of my household too. Do I check that? And dependents....does Wormtail count as my dependent? See Instructions on 6a, b, and c....where the hell is that?"
He moved on, determined. Being an evil dark wizard was a lucrative business, and it had been a good year- it was so much easier to earn a good income when you had your body back. He was quite pleased with his gross income for the year, and so he looked for the line where he was supposed to enter that….but he couldn't find it. "Hmm…Wages and taxable interest of qualified dividends. Business income or (loss) attach schedule D1863 if required if box 13a is checked but do not check box 18f." The Dark Lord stared in wide eyed horror at the papers before him. "In schedule F32 divide line 297dd by line 28b or 15.98654%, whichever is larger. Add Farm income or (loss) unless you are claiming en exemption under schedule 128m or submitting supplementary forms 67x or 56q…add all lines 1-968 and divide by line 124f unless you are claiming losses under form 987t, in which case you will have to submit form 1906H…….WHAT….THE…FUCK?"
Ten minutes later, Lucius Malfoy entered the room to find the Dark Lord curled up in a fetal position next to his desk, weeping like a child and rocking, muttering "gross adjusted income with foreign tax credit…."
"My Lord? Er,..Your Evilness?" He prods the Dark Lord with his foot.
"Lucius, I am defeated. I surrender. Not by Dumbeldore, not by Harry Potter, but by a force much greater, much more formidable, a dark force that is more evil than I could ever hope to be, by…..income taxes."
"Now really, your Evilness, it can't be that bad. Let's see." Lucius gathers up the forms. "It's perfectly obvious that you owe….er….nine billion galleons and eighty-five cents? Hm, no, that can't be right. Oh, I forgot to subtract your annuity advanced earned income credits and divide by the number of dependents except those listed on form 23e. Wait, that's not right…..maybe I was supposed to add the gross dividends from federal income grants allowed under section 345nt5. I….I….Oh Help Me Merlin, what is this EVIL DARK MAGIC?"
Minutes later, Snape enters the room, and finds The Dark Lord curled in a fetal position on the floor, weeping like a child, and Lucius Malfoy cowering the corner with his hands over his face.
"Would this be a bad time to mention you have to file a state return too?"