Cordelia the Vampire Slayer

By Weasy

Rating: PG-13 mostly for swearing, but it's pretty mild.

Summary: After being rejected by Angel, Cordy wishes she were the Slayer instead of Buffy… extreme wackiness ensues. BA.

Disclaimer: The people are not mine. Damn it.

Author's Notes: First of all this is in no way shape or form pro C/A, this is (as always) 100% BA. Really I ought to be happy that Cordy's all unconscious and stuff… but no. This isn't Cordy bashing per-say… she's just nice and bitchy, the way I like her.

You see, I was watching Clueless, and you know the line where Cher thinks it's she's in some sort of alternate universe with Ty being so popular and all. Well that reminded me in that line in Buffy, in The Wish, when Cordy sees Xander and Willow being all cuddly and is really annoyed that even when she wished them all into bizarro land - they're still together.

Which got me thinking, what if Cordy wished she were the slayer because in her SuperSaintCordy-ness she thought she could have done the job better… and that that was what stood in the way of her and Angel?

Timeline: This starts in Season 4 just post Beer Bad and Room With A View, but Anya is still a vengeance demon and I fiddled a bit with what happens in the BtVS movie 'cos obviously Buffy's not the Slayer. One other thing, The Wish happened, but afterwards Cordy remembered, and Anya stayed a demon, but because Dopplegangers *didn't* happen no one else knows about the whole Parallel Universe Theories, and wishes and stuff.

Part One –

//Now everybody loves me, baby

What's the matter with you?

Won't you tell me what did I do to offend you?//

Everybody Loves Me, Baby – Don McLean

Cordelia stormed back into her apartment and slammed the door behind her, Dennis, ever the helpful spirit caught the door just before it could slam and gently settled it into it's hinges. "Dennis! When I slam the door, I want it to slam, Okay?!" she yelled throwing her scarf at the door, in a somewhat futile attempt to hit him. Stomping into the kitchen she shed her coat and dropped it on the floor, letting Dennis hang it for her, and wrenching the kettle of it's stand began to fill it with water. Halfway through this task her frustration got the better of her, and she slung it down onto the counter beside her, turning to glare at her Phantom. "I can't believe him! He is… *urgh* he is just such an asshole!" Now pacing, she began to list her grievances on her fingers. "I tell him about Parker and all he does is bitch and moan… and he never listens to how I feel about things… and he never sees how she's using him! It's always-"

The doorbell ringing interrupted her tirade. Pulling a face, Cordy smoothed down her dress and glanced in the mirror in the hall to check she was still looking presentable, Cordy opened, the door sweet smile at the ready.

Seeing the well-dressed curly haired girl in front of her slightly put her off guard. "Hi!" The girl said brightly.

"Hi." Cordy replied. She had no idea who the girl was but she wasn't going to let her know that. She looked vaguely familiar she had to say. What if she was important? Though if she were important she'd've remembered her, in which case… "What do you want?"

"I just moved in next door." The girl explained, "and well... this is LA I thought it'd be party town, but…" leaning forward she whispered, "but everyone here is toe-up, I mean… that guy down the hall? He was wearing a white wife-beater over his beer-belly when he opened the door. It's so fifties it's unreal." Leaning back she glanced at Cordy's outfit appreciatively. "I thought you might know where all the cool kids hang."

Pleased with the compliment Cordy opened the door and smiled. "Well you came to the right place… I'm sorry I look such a mess. My boss was being a jerk today." Showing her to the sofa they sat down together. "Anyway, I'm Cordy, and I'd love to show you around."

"I'm Anya, Anya Emerson." The girl smiled.

Buffy was feeling oddly free as she jumped over the gravestone and readied for the next attack from the fledgling she was fighting. Waiting for it to straighten up she met his head with a high roundhouse kick and followed it with a combination of punches Giles had taught her that morning. With her attacker now prone in the grass it was short work to shove a stake through his chest. Feeling the dust settle on her shirt she brushed it off and feeling the cool air tickle the back of her neck she glanced around the cemetery for her next opponent.

Hearing a scream in the distance she set off at a slayer speed run, smiling wistfully to herself, A Slayers job was never done.

"- He was such an ass, I swear I always wished he'd spontaneously combust someday so I could dance on his dust." Anya laughed and comfortable next to her, Cordy laughed as well, reaching for the wine feeling Dennis' hand on hers she shook him off.

"'m fine, Dennisss." She slurred. "Y'know…" Cordy turned her attention back to Anya. "Y'know what I always wished…" Shaking her head, she changed tack, oblivious to the frustrated look on Anya's face. "'S all about the strength… you gotta be 'pecial wiv Angel… but I'm special, don't you think I'm special?" She asked Anya."

"Oh, yeah, you're a real sweet thing, I don't know what this Angel guy doesn't see in you." Anya agreed… "Don't you wish you could do anything you wanted to him?"

"'S all about the power… if I had the power he'd want me, not her…" shaking her head again in an attempt to shake away the alcohol clouds she said perfectly lucidly. "I wish… I was her. I wish I was the Slayer, and Buffy was just some girl, then we'd see who Angel really loved."

The flash of light was blinding; a small storm whipped up around the pair, as Anya's face reverted to its true pinch-skinned demonic form, Cordy gasped in shock.

"Now I remember you!" She muttered.

Anyanka just smiled. "So mote it be!"

"Oh… bugger." Cordelia muttered as everything descended into darkness.

When she awoke a vampire was leaning over her, his hot breath heavy on her neck. Squealing at the grossness of the situation she shoved him hard, surprised at how far the simple push has spent him sprawling. The power she had felt as her arms moved… "Damn it." She muttered. A glance down revealed the stake in her grip, and she sighed in relief, at least she had a weapon.

"Slayer…" The vampire hissed, flipping up onto his feet, and rushing her again. Stepping a little to the side, as she had often seen Buffy do, she held the stake slightly out to the other, and hoped the Vampire would just run into it. As luck would have it, he did. But as he collapsed on the ground grunting in pain and wrapping his fists around the stake she couldn't comprehend why he hadn't gone all dusty.

Stepping back and surveying him, she finally worked out what was wrong. "Oh… missed the heart." Pulling a face at what she had to do she dropped to her feet and wrenched the stake out of the vampire's chest, feeling his blood splattering her white muslin shirt as she did so. "Hey!" lectured, "That's never gunna come out!"

Using her distraction to his advantage, the vampire sat up and shoved her away, scrambling to his feet he fled. Seeing him run Cordy struggled to her feet as well. "Slaying's not too hard." She muttered. "Don't see what she's always complaining about." Glancing around her she sighed. "Now why the hell am I in Sunnyhell Cemetery?" It was most definitely time to find Giles.

She met five more vampires on the way from the Cemetery to Giles' house, as much as she had suppressed her memories of living in the town, she didn't remember it ever being this bad, and part of her feared what else might be wrong. "Oh, God!" She paused, "What if I'm still dating Xander?"

She managed a few more feet before stopping in shock as another thought struck fear through her bones. "Oh my God! What if they actually made me Buffy! I mean it would explain this outfit…" She glanced down again at the worn jeans and white (now pinkish-red) shirt with the white vest top underneath. "And the talking to myself…" Raising her hands to her face she studied them intently. "Okay… I'm pretty sure those are my hands… but I don't really remember what my hands look like. Damn it! Why didn't I look at me hands more!"

A good-looking guy passing by her on the sidewalk giving her an odd look as she ranted to herself, he walked in a circle round her. Eyeing him disdainfully Cordy tried to pull herself together a bit more. "Now, if only I had a mirror…" She muttered.

Finally seeing Giles condo she rushed down the steps to the courtyard in front of it, and flying past the fountain she battered her fists against the door. When the door opened she practically fell in, and shoving Giles aside she ran into the bathroom seeing her own reflection staring back at her, she almost kissed the mirror from relief. Though… in that stupid old sci-fi show Xander used to make her watch, the guy always looked like a different person, but when he looked at himself, he saw him… or was that symbolic?

Running back out of the bathroom Cordy grabbed Giles by the arm and spun him round. "Giles! Please tell me I look like me!"


"Who am I?" She demanded.

Giles' eyes widened in confusion… "You're Cordelia Chase the Vampire Slayer… are you quite alright?"

Collapsing on the sofa in relief Cordelia shook her head. "No. I'm not all right… in fact where I am now? That's about two hours from alright." Eyes glancing round the room, she sighed and sat up a little to look in Giles' eyes. "Okay what I'm going to tell you isn't going to make a lot of sense, but you have to believe me."

Sitting down next to her Giles sat down and smiled patting her stiffly on the knee. "As your Watcher I'm sure I'll be able to find the solution."

Cordy raised one eyebrow. "'Kay… well whatever. I'm not the Slayer." Giles eyed her anxiously. "Well, I am the Slayer…" Cordy amended, "but I'm not meant to be. Buffy is the real Slayer."

Giles nodded reassuringly. "Who's Buffy?"

"Buffy… y'know, Buffy Summers… the Vampire Slayer." Giles continued to nod blankly. "Oh boy!" Cordy smacked her head against the coffee table. "This is just great! Why don't you just rain fire on my now and get it over with!" she moaned.

"I'll just make some tea." Giles suggested.

While Giles was shuffling around in the kitchen another person entered the room, hearing the door creak; Cordy twisted her head to see who had come in. Seeing black trousers and a leather coat, Cordy jumped up and threw her arms around the visitor. "Angel! I'm so glad you're here!"

Her jumpee patted her back nervously, before shuffling around to call to the kitchen. "Uh… Giles! Something's wrong with Cordy!" hearing the dulcet tones of her ex, instead of Angel's smooth rumble as expected Cordy jumped back.

"Xander!" She yelped before swiftly kicking him in the shin. Seeing him bend over in pain, she realised she'd forgotten about his super-strong Slayer strength. Collapsing on the sofa she offered no apology. "Jeez – What are you doing? Running round looking like Angel…"

"Uh… Giles!" Xander repeated, before turning back to Cordy he eyed her with extreme caution. "Cordy, you just brought me this outfit and told me to go try it on – and I have to say I don't think it's very me… Don't you remember?" Sitting down, he ran a hand through his hair, before angrily demanding "Who the hell is Angel anyway?"

"A guy who would be really useful round about now." Cordy finally sighed. "I can't believe that neither Buffy or Angel is here… how the hell am I going to sort out this mess now?"

Giles emerged form the kitchen and setting down the tray of tea Giles took of his glasses and began to clean them, setting them back on the bridge of his nose he motioned for Cordy to talk. "Now, how much don't you remember?

"It's not a case of not remembering, Giles! I remember everything perfectly… I just appear to remember different things to you." Getting up she began to pace in front of the pair. "I don't live in Sunnydale anymore…" She held up a hand when Giles moved to interrupt, "I don't. I moved to LA after graduation and I've spent the past few months working for Angel at his detective agency. About an hour ago I made a wish that I was the Slayer instead of Buffy… and now this has happened. But this world is *wrong* and there has to be someway of turning it back…"

"Ahuh… and do the Smurfs live in your homeland?" Xander asked.

"Xander!" Giles scolded, "This is incredibly serious, Cordelia must have been infected with some kind of poison that's giving her these hallucinations and fake memories."

"Hello?" Cordy echoed, "Standing right here? And perfectly able to tell you what happened. Now go… Watch or whatever it is you do and sort this out."

"Please Cordelia, you must listen to us, you're sick and-"

"Screw this." Cordy finally muttered "I'm gunna find Buffy myself… then you'll see." And with that Cordy stormed out of Giles house, unable to stop her Xander and Giles shared a worried glance.

"Well this could be very bad." Xander finally said.


Uh, yeah… I do realise I'm meant to be on a break. But hey! See how long that lasted! No honestly, this is it. This is fairly short and virtually finished so I'll be posting it over the next two weeks or so and then zip no more from me.