Kakariko Village hag teaches Chemistry

**Author's Note** Yeah the title is dumb and probably the story is too, but this is my first humor fic on anything LoZ, so sue me if it sucks. I got an idea to do something about that old hag in Kakariko Village who runs that potion shop place. In LoZ, you had to give her that mushroom from the forest and she would make a potion out of it (if you remember, the lady who strokes the cat all the time). This humor fic is based off of a fic I read about Bio classes from the lakeside laboratory dude (by author Foranigan, son of Farore) , and is in no intention of copying the ideas that author used but instead I thought it would be amusing to do one about her and what it might be like for our poor LoZ characters to take lessons in potion making!

* Kakariko Village hag grimaces in dismay when child Link, Zelda, Malon, Ruto, Nabooru and Saria pile into her shop. When the lot finally settles down, she drums her fingers on the counter while one hand strokes her cat *

Kakariko Village Hag: Hey! Quit labeling me as a hag you stupid narrator, or I'll get my friend at the lakeside laboratory to give you a bio lesson you won't soon forget! My name is Agatha, and that's all you brutes need to know.

Link: * with a mischievous smile * so, what is our lesson today Kakariko Village hag?

Agatha: Shut up you dress wearing punk, or you'll wish you never asked the question!

Link: Ahem, I'm not wearing a dress; it's a garment of clothing called a TUNIC!

Malon: * hums Epona's song quietly to herself and then talks * Have you ever given classes to anyone before, Ms. ...umm...Agatha?

Agatha: Look "Melon", if I wanted to hear you talk I would have started by asking you first. Since I didn't – STOP HUMMING THAT ANNOYING TUNE!

Malon: * stops abruptly and looks at Agatha in shock * Yikes! It seems to me someone has been locked in here for far too long...and by the way, my name is MALON and not MELON!

Saria: * sniggers *

Agatha: * glares at Saria * that goes for you too, forest girl!

Saria: * jerks her head back and shrugs * whatever...

Agatha: Now then, since "Melon" over there stopped humming that repetitive song, I shall begin our first lesson on how to make an assortment of mushroom potions-

Malon: Hey! I already told you, my name is MALON!

Agatha: Fine, then MALON. As I was saying, we will begin first by starting with the rare red mushroom found only in the Lost Woods (and I wish you little punks would go there and actually get lost) hehe...

Link: I went there! But I didn't get lost, and Saria goes there all the time. It's so cool; there are tons of trees and-

Agatha: I didn't ask for your opinion on the Lost Woods! It's a shame you came back, but I guess that proves you have some intelligence hidden within that stupid looking hat covered head of yours.

Link: * folds his arms across his chest * my hat is way cooler than you'll ever be, especially since your wrinkly and this place smells like bad old hag perfume!

Agatha: For your information, my husband says it's the best smelling perfume I wear. Wrinkles are part of the aging process, and if you don't keep quiet I'll give you a beating that isn't part of your aging process...

Nabooru: * laughs * as if you could beat up the Hero of Time...

Ruto: She's married? Ewww!

Zelda: You shouldn't talk fish face...* coughs * an example being how Link practically fled from you when you gave him your "engagement stone"

Ruto: * pouting * Link, you love me don't you?

Link: Due to the fact my answer is obvious to everyone else but you, I won't even bother commenting on that.

Agatha: SILENCE! I'm already wasting my time trying to fill your useless brains with valuable knowledge on making some of the most powerful chemicals in Hyrule, so if you don't want to learn then you can leave!

* She gasps in shock when everyone heads to the door, and just as Ruto is about to turn the knob to open it, she yells *


Saria: * walks back * Fine, but I already know how to make magic potions from forest ingredients, I don't think I need to learn anything else-

Agatha: Forest ingredients! Ha! I bet the only remotely magical things you can make are magic mushrooms... Saria: What? Are you accusing me of doing drugs?

Agatha: * shifty eyes and tone of sarcasm * of course not...

Malon: I have no reason to learn how to make potions. I live on a ranch after all!

Agatha: Do you think I care where you live? I already knew considering when you walked in the door you smelled like horse manure. From what I hear, all you do on that "ranch" of yours is stand around humming that same annoying song over and over...

Malon: My song isn't annoying, and its called EPONA'S SONG by the way.

Nabooru: * sniggers to Zelda * we should call Agatha "Hagatha"...

Agatha: I heard that you red haired Gerudo freak! ANYWAYS to get back on topic, I'm going to ask forest girl over there if she could give me the mushrooms she brought for the lesson.

Saria: Umm...I kind of...ate most of them.

Ruto: Correction, you mean you used most of them to go into one of your "magical mind altering adventures"

Saria: I did not! Besides, the mushrooms "Hagatha" asked for are a different kind than the ones you're talking about!

Agatha: Enough! Just give me the mushrooms!

* Saria walks over and hands her what's left of the mushrooms. *

Hagatha (oops, I mean Agatha): Narrator! I thought I told you to call me Agatha! Don't make me come over there and...never mind. Now then, since Saria used all of the mushrooms except for this one that's left, we will make just one potion today.

Zelda: * sighs with relief * nice going Saria!

Agatha: Mushroom potions have healing properties, and can be used for a variety of things. Unfortunately, it doesn't cure the apparent stupidity some of you brats in this room have.

Link: It also doesn't cure the apparent ugliness that you have.

Agatha: I thought I told you to keep your little smart mouth shut?

Link: Hey, I guess that means I'm one of the non-stupid people in this room then since you called me smart!

Agatha: Umm...yes...I suppose it does. Anyway...the mushroom used in this potion can only be found in the Lost Woods, like I stated earlier unless you little punks have a memory span too short to remember. To make a potion from this mushroom, you must first boil a pot of water in a cauldron, before mashing the mushroom and mixing it with other ingredients.

* Agatha turns and points at a bubbling cauldron on the counter before crushing the mushroom in her long fingers. *

Zelda: Why don't you just cut up instead of crushing it like that?

Agatha: Why don't you just sit and be quiet and let me teach the lesson! * mutters * Spoiled little royal brat...

Zelda: * shakes her head * ok...

Agatha: Now that the mushroom is prepared and the water is boiling, the next ingredient is added. * reaches to the back shelf and pulls out a dusty container with leaves in it. * This here is called "Sage" but its not ordinary sage. It is hand picked from deep within the forest and contains mystical properties. * throws a few leaves into the boiling water * once it is in the water, the mushrooms are added and the water will turn red, which is an indication that the potion is ready.

Saria: Hey! I'm a sage!

Agatha: Stupid little forest girl, I'm talking about the sage as in a plant and not an actual "sage". If you were paying attention, you would have realized that!

Link: Can you hurry this lesson up? I really want to leave so I can get out of this smelly shop and get some fresh air!

Agatha: * sighs and throws the crushed mushroom into the cauldron. The potion turns red and becomes thick instantly, and she spoons some of it out onto a piece of parchment. * There, as you can see, this potion has thickened because the mushroom reacted with the sage and the magic combined to create a healing remedy. It's a simple potion, but since none of you have proven you can move on to the more difficult potions, it should be within your grasp.

Link: * runs to the door * Yay! This is finally over; I'm getting out of here!

Malon: Wait for me! * Runs after him and they fling the door open and leave *

Zelda: Well...that was interesting. I just have one question though.

Agatha: Yes?

Zelda: Where in Hyrule's name is that weird music coming from?

Agatha: What are you talking about?

Ruto: I hear it too! It sounds like bongos and other instruments in the background...

Agatha: That has nothing to do with chemistry, or the lesson I just gave!

Saria: *behind the Kakariko Village hag in the corner at the back of the shop * Its coming from over here! * stands beside a small black ghetto blaster that has the music playing from it *

Agatha: Hey! How did you get passed me?

Saria: When you were talking to Zelda, I jumped over the counter.

Agatha: Why you rude little elf-girl! I like that music since all of you have the nerve to ask, and don't touch my CD player!

* Saria touches a button on the player anyway, which results in the music speeding up really fast until sparks come from it and the CD player explodes *

Agatha: ALL RIGHT THAT'S IT, EVERYONE OUT, NOW! And don't come back till next week's lesson, which will be on concocting magic potions to refill your magic meters. Keep in mind on our little outing the week after to the Lost Woods where I will show you how to pick the right mushrooms and potion ingredients...

Nabooru: Hey, we wanted to leave anyway, so you don't need to tell us to go!

Ruto: Yay! Now I can go back to Zoras Domain!

Zelda: * glares at Ruto * go get eaten by JabuJabu fish girl! And this time, your precious Link won't come to save you!

Ruto: *runs out of the shop crying, and Zelda, Saria and Nabooru follow after her *

**Author's End of Chapter Note** so, what do you think? Please don't flame, I mean nothing when I "insult" the LoZ characters, its all in good fun since I really like Ruto, Link and everyone. I really hoped this was somewhat good, and if you review suggestions for what happens next are welcome, as well as for when they go to the Lost Woods...^_^ this story was made in complete randomness...so sorry if its dumb.