Kakariko Village Hag Teaches Chemistry – Part Two

Lessons in Magic: When things go from bad to worse!

Agatha: Looks like its that time again, those little brats will be here any minute with their little friends and bring with them their high pitch voices and annoying questions...* growls * I should have retired and moved in with the Lakeside Laboratory Dude * winks and smiles to herself *

Narrator: Well I would guess its that time again Agatha, and look who has just arrived. By the way, if your going to talk about that kind of stuff involving you and...that other weird/ugly old guy keep it to yourself and spare everyone their insanity.

Agatha: I thought I told you to keep your mouth shut you stupid narrator? If you don't listen to me this time I'll come over there and dump a bottle of citric acid in your eyes and gouge them out and give them to my lakeside laboratory friend since he likes eyes...

* Agatha sighs in exasperation when Link, Zelda, Saria, Nabooru, Ruto, and Malon stumble in. However when she thinks they are enough to deal with, Mido and Sheik (who is his own person in this story) appear right behind them. *

Malon: Not this place again! I want to go be with Epona instead of remaining in his dank dark freaky looking shop...

Agatha: If you going to come in ranch girl remember to wipe your shoes before you walk on my nice red carpet because I don't want you tracking horse manure into my shop!

Link (using sarcasm): * sniffs the shop and coughs in repulsion when the familiar awful old perfume smell fills his nose * Great. Another chemistry class with that old hag – as if I haven't dealt with enough as it is, she's worse than Ganondorf! At least the kind of evil puts some effort into his personal hygiene!

Zelda: I know this is bad, but the sooner we finish here the sooner we can get back to our actual lives. I have a charity ball to go to for the unfortunate refugees that fled from Hyrule Castle Town so I don't have time to waste in this dump.

Agatha: Shut up both of you, especially you Link or else I'll come over there and sick my cat on you! And who are the stupid looking friends you brought with you without asking my permission? * Her beady eyes fall on Mido, who glares at her * I can't believe you brought another one of those pixie punks from that forest...having one in my class is bad enough as it is let alone two!

Mido: I am not a pixie for your information I am a Kokiri. If you can't get your facts straight, for the second time as far as I've heard from Malon, you are the stupid person in this room.

Agatha: I didn't ask you to speak! So instead of trying to sound like your intelligent by taking my sarcasm seriously, why not count all the freckles on your hideous face? I don't have time to waste on you.

Ruto: Nope you don't because you're wasting it on the rest of us!

Agatha: I'm afraid so, and I don't even know why I bother talking to a fish person like you considering most fish have a memory span of five seconds...but they do taste good fried...

Ruto: Hey! I may be part fish but at least when people look at me they know I resemble something, unlike you who looks like nothing seen in Hyrule before...

Sheik: What on earth is going on? In fact, why am I even here? LINK!!! This is your fault, you told me we would be going to the Hyrule Café so I could read some of my haiku and poetry...

Link: Hey, how else could I get you to come here? You may be hopelessly cryptic but I'd rather listen to your strange ramblings about friendship and other things I don't exactly understand than be stuck looking at Hagatha over there. * Shudders *

Agatha: This is your last warning you foolish dress wearing punk, or else I'll take that worthless little sword of yours and shove it where the sun doesn't shine! As for you * looks at Sheik * if you even utter a word of Haiku in my presence I'll give you a cause to wear more bandages on your hands than you already wear now!

Sheik: Is that supposed to be some kind of threat? Man, I knew time flowed like a river but I guess it must have gotten a huge extension in your case...although I can't understand why. * Shakes his head and pulls out his harp before playing a few notes on it (a.k.a. Shiek's theme song) *

Malon: Oh that is so pretty! Let's make music like that together! * Hums Shiek's song along with him in her cute high voice. All the while Agatha begins to lose her temper *

Zelda: Uh oh she's lost it now! Oh wait...she was crazy to begin with so...

Nabooru: Cool a harp! Hey! How did you pull it out so fast Sheik? Where do you keep it then since it's technically impossible to conceal a harp like that when you don't have anything to hide it/carry it in?

Agatha: PUT THAT AWFUL SOUNDING HARP AWAY RIGHT NOW! And as for Malon over there, if she keeps singing I will have to remind myself to tear out her vocal chords!!!!

Malon: * stops singing * fine then! You're such a witch, especially since you hate harps even though Sheik is probably the best harp player in all of Hyrule.

Sheik: Don't talk that way to me you narcissistic hag. * Stops playing his harp * After all, its not my fault I'm a popular character and your not, and that the only story you've ever been featured in is this one, while I've been featured in hundreds of fan fics. * Shrugs * I can see why nobody except this author wants you in their story...

Saria: Yeah!!! Go Sheik you rock! * Takes out her Ocarina and begins to play Saria's song. The moment she does everyone starts dancing and stops paying attention to Agatha, who by now as many would guess has had enough. *

Agatha: I'm here to teach and let you brats use my shop for your learning process, not as your own personal dance floor! Put that stupid flute thing away right now so I can start the lesson!

Saria: * puts her ocarina back into her tunic pocket * alright, and I'm only doing this so everyone can get out of here as soon as this is over...

Nabooru: Hey! How about after class we go dancing! PARTY AT SARIA'S HOUSE! YEAH!

Link: Sounds good to me, I just want to get as far away from her as possible. * Surprisingly not only is Link looking at Agatha as he says that, but also at Ruto because she is uncomfortably close to him *

Ruto: Hey Link, after the party do you want to go to Zoras River and-

Zelda: Hands off fish eyes! Link is mine, and there's nothing you can do about it!

Link: Well when it comes between Zelda and Ruto, there's no question who I'd choose, especially since I think it would be best if I stuck to remaining within my SPECIES!

Ruto: But Link, I thought you loved me!

Zelda: Get over yourself Ruto. You know he doesn't love you when he runs away whenever he sees you.

Agatha: ENOUGH! Must I always sort out your pathetic and annoying love triangles? If fish face can't get it right, then I will. Ruto loves Link, who hates Ruto and Loves Zelda and Zelda loves cross-dressing since she dresses like a man! There you go, although it's obvious any other female in this room besides me has the hots for Link too, although I can't see why considering Link wears dresses...and that dumb hat and tights...

Link: I thought I told you my outfit is called a tunic, and if you had any sense what so ever you would know people these days wear this stuff – oh I guess I must have forgotten you have been around since the Stone Age so you probably haven't seen anything modern!

Nabooru: Whatever with this crap, I didn't say I liked Link I just mentioned he was handsome...and... * blushes and turns away *

Ruto: Fine then, if I can't have Link then I'll find someone else. * Looks over at Sheik and bats her eyelids *

Sheik: Don't even think about it.

Ruto: * pouts *

Agatha: BACK TO THE LESSON NOW! I'm tired of dealing with your childish problems that are of little significance!!!

Nabooru: And I'm tired of listening to you rant and rave about how miserable it is to teach us chemistry, even though its your job!

Agatha: I don't need you telling me what my job is! Anyways... * turns to a tube of green potion sitting on her desk * this you little punks, is magic potion.

Link (Sarcasm): No really? I didn't know that, considering I use that stuff almost all the time... * rolls his eyes *

Agatha: * strokes her cat harshly in anger which causes it to startle and hiss * I was just making sure your small minds could understand since I wouldn't want to overload them with too much information...although if it would get you freaks out of my way I wouldn't mind that.

Malon: Oh kitty! It's so cute!!!

Agatha: Pay attention to the lesson and not my cat!!!

Malon: Aww! What's its name? Can I hold it?

Saria: I can't believe that poor animal can stand being in a place like this and with someone as scary looking as her...

Agatha: Shut up elf girl! To answer your questions Malon, my cat's name is Mr. Whiskers and no you may not hold him since you claim I smell when you actually stink a lot worse considering your constantly around horses and disgusting things like that...

Link: * sniggers * Mr. Whiskers...umm...ok...

Malon: I don't smell!

Sheik: Sorry Malon but you do, although that old chick can't really talk either. * Begins to recite Haiku/ random non-rhyming poetry * the wind... it blows in the trees. Rustling the leaves, disturbing but the smallest creature. Cleansing Hyrule of the smell from one of its most ancient citizens in Kakariko Village-

Agatha: I thought I told you not to read any poetry in my class! This is CHEMISTRY not English/Poetry class! * Takes a test tube and throws it at him, but Sheik easily dodges aside because he uses one of his smoke balls to "mysteriously vanish" and instead the test tube hits Mido in the face. *

Mido: OWWWW! That fricken hurt!!!! Not only do you not have beauty but you also don't have the ability to aim when you throw something!!!!

Agatha: Where did that strange brute go?

Link: Who knows? He always does that, I could swear he likes teasing me whenever I want to talk to him and he vanishes at the last possible moment...although he is good at doing that I must admit.

Agatha: Fine then, never mind him. As I was saying, before I was interrupted for goddess knows how many times, green magic restores your magic meters. You can buy it from shops and spend your precious money on it (that you probably stole or in Zelda's case did nothing to earn because all she does is sit on her fat butt and get people to do stuff for her). In order to concoct such magic yourself to save you cash, all you need is a little fairy dust and some water from Zoras Fountain.

Ruto: And I have just the water for the lesson! * Gives a bottle of water to Agatha *

Zelda: * mutters and glares at Ruto * teacher's pet...fish...

Agatha: Since I have the first ingredient, Link get out that annoying fairy of yours so that I might take some of her magic dust.

Link: You can't be serious, not Navi! If I take her out she won't leave me alone!!!

Agatha: If you don't do it right now I'll come over there and take you out so just do it!

Link: Fine. * Reaches behind him with one arm and pulls Navi out from beneath his shield * Here we go...

Navi: HEY!

Link (with little enthusiasm): Hey Navi.

Navi: LISTEN! We're supposed to be on our quest to save the world from Ganondorf so the first thing we need to do is- Link: Save it Navi. The world will have to wait, because for now I'm stuck in Chemistry class with "Hagatha" over there. Just give me some of your fairy dust so I can make you go away.

Navi: What? NO WAY! This stuff is all mine and-

Link: * grabs Navi in his hand and takes her over to Agatha where he turns Navi upside down and shakes a few sprinkles of her fairy dust into a small wooden bowl on the counter * For Farore's sake hold still! * When he's done he shoves Navi between his back and shield *

Navi: Link what about our quest-

Link: Would you shut up for once!!! Gees! Its hard enough listening to your irritating voice everyday!

Agatha: Perfect. Now that the two ingredients are ready, this is how it is turned into a potion. * Takes the fairy dust and the water and mixes the two together * when these ingredients are mixed the magic in the fairy dust mixes with the sacred water from Zoras Fountain and the result is a newly made magic potion. * Holds up the test tube containing a clear liquid *

Zelda: Umm...that doesn't really look like a magic potion because isn't a magic potion supposed to be green?

Agatha: Don't interrupt! I am getting to that part. The reason why it is clear is because it takes a few hours for the magic to work and turn the potion into its normal green color.

Nabooru: Yeah ok then, can we go now?

Agatha: No! Because before any of you can leave, I want to know where that Sheik freak went!

Sheik: I'm right here, and this is for calling me a freak! Eat harp you mean hag!

* Suddenly almost out of nowhere Sheik appears and he throws his harp at Agatha, which hits her and knocks her back where she falls to the floor unconscious. *

Malon: Sheik! Wasn't that a little harsh?

Sheik: Heck no! Now we can get out of here! Or would you rather stay and get insulted over and over again?

Zelda: I don't know about the rest of you, but I certainly don't! Let's go!

Malon: She won't die will she? Link: Well considering how long she's stayed alive, no.

Malon: Ok just checking, let's go!

Nabooru: Yeah PARTY TIME!!!!

Mido: I'll be glad to leave her behind. Hey Saria, when we get to your house do you want to...hang out...?

Saria: * runs to the door while calling back * I don't think so Mido, because your just not my type – for a good reason too. I prefer blonds personally * hint hint *

Link: Hehe...so many chicks to choose from, how will I ever make up my mind?

Zelda: You won't because you've already chosen me!

Link: Oh yeah, right...

Ruto: Hey Sheik...how about you?

Sheik: I thought I already told you DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! Seriously. * Backs away and then uses another smoke ball and disappears *

Ruto: Aww....

* Everyone walks out of the room and when they leave Agatha's cat jumps on the counter and looks at the readers in a cute innocent way *

Mr. Whiskers: Well then since that old hag is finally unconscious, I'm free for a while! Yay! So before Agatha wakes up and goes all psycho on me because I didn't do anything about it, I might as well remind you that stay turned for the next chapter in this messed up story because everyone is going on a fieldtrip to the Lost Woods...pathetic as it is, I guess its part of the curriculum? How would I know I'm just a cat...who can apparently talk somehow? Anyway if you are nice enough to review (hopefully you are) you can leave questions for Agatha and she will respond to them in the next chapter. It can be about virtually anything to do with the story, so feel free to ask away! The author also requests that you maybe talk about some of your favorite parts in this chapter if there are any, or make suggestions because that would REALLY help the author decide what random direction this story should go next...