Author : FuJinGrL

Anime Series : Yu Yu Hakusho

Rating : PG-13

Genre : Songfic, Angst

Disclaimer : I don't own YYH, I don't make any profit for this, yada yada yada, blah blah blah.

Song : I'll Say Goodbye For the Two of Us

            Performed by Expose

Teaser : Kurama lets his tragic fate get to him and ends up hurting his one true love. And now it becomes even harder to say what he truly feels.


"There's just no other choice but to do this. It's for everyone's sake."

His green eyes flicked impatiently over the last line of the letter in his hand.

"Forgive me."

He frowned. How ironic. How was he supposed to forgive someone who'd just asked him and his friends a favor that they couldn't possibly do? It was too much of a plea. And no matter how long he'd thought about it, no matter how many days have passed since he'd been asked, he still couldn't find it in his heart to fulfill the request.

He looked over the whole letter again, and realized, though reluctantly, that it had a point.

There was no other choice.

He sighed and folded the letter, tucking it away in his bedside drawer. He shifted in his position on the bed, and turned to face the angel sleeping peacefully beside him.

One look at her innocent sleeping figure made him wish all over again that he hadn't agreed to do the favor.

When you wake up

And find me gone tomorrow

Don't think I meant to hurt you

I just did what we knew I had to do

He reached out to gently rub his fingers against her cheek, his hand trembling at her softness. After all these years, she still never ceased to overwhelm him with her heavenly beauty and grace. "Botan…" he whispered, and after a moment of silence, turned to the bedside and sat up, his feet on the floor and his hands gripping the edges of the bed. Staring out through the open room window into the morning sun, he blinked to think of the consequences of what he was going to do.

And all the time we knew

The time was never right for us

Time to leave this love behind…

He lost his train of thought when a pair of soft, tender hands gently ran up his bare back and slowly down his front, and he closed his eyes to smell the scent of Botan's hair as she crawled her way closer to his body.

"Ohayo, Kurama-chan…" Botan whispered lovingly to the back of his ear. He turned his head to face her and her sleepy pools of violet met him. And it hurt him all the more.

He was just about to turn away so she wouldn't see the uncertainty in his eyes, when she moved closer to give him a kiss…and Kurama closed his eyes to savor her taste.

For a moment there he almost forgot whatever it was that was bothering him. But it didn't last for long.

Because kissing her was making it harder for him to figure out what he was supposed to do. And he knew he wasn't in the mood for this. Not right now.

And perhaps, maybe not ever.

I could never leave you

Baby if I see you cry…

Instantly he pulled away and got up from the bed, looking back at the startled Botan, who was clutching the covers draped over her body to her chest. "Is something wrong…?" she asked, blinking worriedly at him.

Yes, there is something wrong, Kurama replied inwardly. In fact, everything about us is wrong…it's all wrong… He looked down for a while…and it frustrated him more to know that he couldn't find the right words to say, or anything to say for that matter.

He turned around and headed for the bathroom. "I'm taking a shower," he muttered, not even bothering to answer her question. He closed the bathroom door behind him before he could see her expression.

And, turning the knob of the shower, he closed his eyes and let the water drench himself, wishing it could just wash all his problems away. Because he knew he couldn't face it. He couldn't bear to leave.

I'll say good-bye for the two of us

Tonight while you sleep

I'll kiss you softly one last time

And say good-bye--

He hurried down the stairs and walked into the dining room, where he could see his wife preparing breakfast for him, her back to him. He slowly walked towards her to apologize for being so harsh a while back, but thought better of it. He didn't want her to fuss. He didn't want to make her worry any more than she probably already was, because of his peculiar behavior.

And most of all, he didn't want her to know just yet.

--like I know we must

There's just no other way

And I couldn't bear to see your heart break…

…so I'll wait till you're asleep to say good-bye.

Botan turned around and smiled at him as he sat down the table, and she sat down across from him, serving some pancakes. Kurama started eating without even saying anything.

She watched him for a while, as he ate like he didn't even know what he was doing and how he gripped his fork tightly, just like he always did whenever he was about to face something tough. She tried to bear the silence, but she couldn't bear the confused look she could see right through his eyes.

"Ne, Kurama-chan…you haven't really answered my question a while back…you don't look too good…"

Kurama swallowed and gripped his fork even more tightly. C'mon…don't ask me anything more…

Please realize

How hard it is to do this

 "Kurama…?" Botan persisted. "If you're sick, you can tell me. You haven't been acting the same lately…"

"…" Please Bo-chan…I don't want to talk about it…

I'm trying to make it through this

Say good-bye just as gently as I can

"I know something's wrong," Botan commented, "so if you have—"

"Can we please drop this? I'm not really in the mood for a chatting session," Kurama cut in, looking irritably at her.

Botan looked shocked at his reply, but tried not to let it get to her. "Gomen ne, but I'm just really worried and I—"

"Well, don't be. I can manage well enough without you breathing down my neck." Kurama stood up abruptly and left the dining room.

Botan stared after him. All the worrying was fast turning into something else. She frowned and stood up to follow him. She grabbed his arm to make him face her. "And what in the world is that supposed to mean? Am I not entitled to be concerned for you? Am I not supposed to be bothered when I see you worrying your heart out over something?"

 "The thing with you is that you worry too much!" Kurama shoved her hand off his arm. "Stop fussing all over me for once and let me deal with my life!"

Botan's brows creased as she felt the hurt creep up into her heart. Why was he being so hot-tempered all of a sudden? What was wrong in caring enough to want to know what was disturbing him?

She glared at him and raised her voice as well. "How can you say that? You're my husband! I'm supposed to know whatever it is that's bothering you!"

"And you're my wife! You're supposed to understand that right now I need some time alone! And all your hell of a fuss isn't helping at all!" Kurama turned and headed for the door, trying to block out the image of Botan's wounded expression and cursing himself for hurting her feelings yet again. But no matter how much he hadn't meant to, he couldn't find another way. He just couldn't take it anymore. 

Please try and understand

This time just wasn't the time for us

We knew I couldn't stay

But that don't make it easier to leave you

He rushed outside the house and would've headed straight to the park, had he not bumped into his friend on the porch.

"Kurama!" Yusuke exclaimed, puzzled at his fuming figure. "Where the heck are you going?"

"Damn it," He cursed, remembering that they had made arrangements to meet out here. But he couldn't meet up, not just yet.

He motioned towards the inside of the house. "Botan's crazy! It's a living hell in there right now and I need some damn space."

Yusuke looked blankly at him. He took a deep breath and tried not make his argument with Botan too obvious. "I told her I'm going out to buy something for a while, so do you mind waiting inside before we leave?"

"…" Yusuke simply gawked at him "Uh, sure…just make it quick, okay?"

Kurama shook his head and left, continuing his pace. Just when he thought things couldn't get any worse, what with the favor and all.

He reached the serenity of the park and immediately took comfort under one of the more hidden trees, leaning his head onto the trunk and closing his eyes. How could his life get so messed up just by a single letter, and a single order sent to him months ago? How could he have ruined his last moments with his wife all in just a silly argument?

He sighed. Botan…

So while I can find the strength…

I'll say good-bye for the two of us

"Already brooding?"

A familiar voice made him jump up from the tree he was leaning against. He flicked his eyes open and spotted a black coat swaying in the wind above one of the tree branches.

He smirked in spite of himself. "What are you doing here, Hiei?"

"Trying to find out why you're moping around already when you haven't even left yet." Hiei leaped down from the tree branch and stepped beside him.

Kurama looked down and shoved his hands into his pockets. "I've made Botan hate me without even telling her I'm leaving yet. I've officially destroyed the last bits of hours we can have together. All this in just a morning." He grinned. "Personal record."

"Hn," Hiei smirked. "You're letting this damn favor get to you too much. All this happened just because you made such a big deal out of it. You're thinking too much of your departure and you've forgotten that you're still here."

"Look, I know I made a mistake, okay? It was stupid. I don't need the lecture." He sighed. "You know, you're the one who's supposed to be moping and I'm the one who's supposed to be lecturing you."

Hiei bit back a tight smile. "Looks like Koenma was right. The world is falling apart."

"Whatever." Kurama looked up into the sky. "I have no idea how I'm going to say goodbye to her, Hiei…"

Hiei looked at his friend for a while like he'd just sprouted ten heads, and felt like Kurama was the stupidest being on the planet. He kept silent, then spoke. "We all don't."

And it hit Kurama like a ton of bricks. He didn't have to say goodbye. He didn't have to if he couldn't. He just had to let her know he loved her.

And that would be enough.


Tonight while you sleep

I'll kiss you softly one last time

And say good-bye…

Kurama watched as Hiei sped off into the distance of the dark Reikai sky a few hours later, after having returned to his house with him and met up with Yusuke. The three of them had headed for Reikai together for Koenma's final briefing, and now they were dismissed for the night. The three of them were to meet up here in Reikai again at dawn.

He glanced sideways at Yusuke, who looked like he was about to throw up as they both made their way back to Ningenkai. He figured he was just as confused as he was.

"Ne, Yusuke…how are you going to…?"

Yusuke kept quiet and Kurama wondered if he couldn't speak because of the nervousness.

"I don't know," Yusuke sighed. "I honestly don't know."

Kurama nodded. He knew exactly what Yusuke meant, and he knew then that Yusuke hadn't told Keiko yet, either.

Moments later they reached a fork on the Ningenkai road where they had to part ways. They stopped and looked uncertainly at each other.

Kurama took a deep breath and forced a smile. "Well…good luck."

Yusuke returned the tight, strained smile. "Ditto."

They both turned around and went their own ways, back to their homes. Koenma had dismissed the three of them and left them the whole night to "make the necessary last-minute preparations". Hiei had gone off straight away and most probably wanted to make the most of his time left.  And now that Kurama was alone, the problem of breaking the news to Botan was haunting him again.

He closed the door to the bedroom he shared with her gently, and quietly walked towards the bed. She was so perfect even when she was asleep…and his heart ached to know that he would never again be able to cherish that perfection.

Before your arms embrace me

Before your kisses take me

Before your eyes can make me stay…

He clenched his fist tightly, regretting having fought with her right before he left a while back. Now he was leaving, and the last thing he did to her was yell at her and hurt her feelings, when all she ever did was be concerned about him. Now he couldn't even tell her he loved her, and that she was the best thing that ever happened to him…

I'll say goodbye for the two of us

Tonight while you sleep

I'll kiss you softly one last time

And say good-bye

She was truly heaven-sent.

He slowly bent down and closed his eyes as his lips gently caressed her lips, and he felt every sweetness of her divine being flow into him. And he knew that the feeling would always last.

Like I know we must

There's just no other way

And I couldn't bear to see your heart break…

He rose and turned around, trying not to look back. He wanted the kiss to be the last memory he'd have with her.

And surely…it was.

…so I'll wait till you're asleep to say good-bye…


It wasn't true.

It couldn't be.

He never could have done this.

No…not to her.

Botan's hands trembled as she read and reread the letter she'd found in Kurama's drawer the next day.

A letter. From Koenma.

The three youkais were going on a suicide mission…and Kurama hadn't told her.

He left.

He was gone.

When you wake up…

No… she clenched her fists and crumpled the letter in her hand, closing her eyes as tears began to well up. All the emotions inside her just couldn't quite figure out what to do and how to react. Not just yet.

She opened her eyes and walked to the bedroom window, glancing up at the perfect blue sky through the mist of her tears. And she could almost see Kurama's face, still lingering in her thoughts, still smiling that same perfect smile…at her…

And find me gone tomorrow…

Why did you leave…?

Why did you not tell me…?


Don't think I meant to hurt you…

She choked as sudden sobs made their way, and all of a sudden she was breaking down. The tears wouldn't stop, because the pain wouldn't stop. Kurama had left her. Without even saying goodbye.

He wasn't coming back…and she was never going to see him again.

Never again.



8:39 pm pure pinoy

December 11, 2002

FuJinGrL 2002

Same storyline as my other songfic "I'm not supposed to love you anymore" but this time with Kurama's side of the story. Angsty, yes, but that's how I feel right now. Sorry :D