DISCLAIMER: I am not Natsuki Takaya. I am her sister.
A Visit to Bilbo Sohma!
It was summer! It was HOT, HOT, HOT! It was SWELTERING! The birds were FRIED to a crisp outside, and falling out of trees because it was that hot! But not Sohma Kyo! Sohma Kyo is smarter than most birds. He had come up with a wonderful, not so original idea.
" Kyo, I can't get through the living room." Shigure whined, standing in front of Kyo who had made some kind of… FAN-FORT! That's right, he had surrounded himself by fans (not KYO fans, real fans.) and now sat in the middle of them as they all blew on him. He'll probably get his hair or clothes caught in them and die, but let's let him enjoy his invention for now.
" GO AROUND!" Kyo snapped, even though to get around, Shigure would have to walk ALL the way to the other side of the house and use the kitchen door, THEN be able to pass him. Just like the CAT to be selfish!
Shigure whined for a little longer, but that didn't work, since it never works on anyone.
" FINE! YOU'LL BE SORRY!" Shigure yelled childishly, and stomped off in a huff as Kyo gave a triumphant smirk. NO ONE GETS PAST THE FORT OF KYO!
Kyo was daydreaming about his dream job. You know what that is, don't you? You don't? Well, it's not being part of the Jyuunishi… it's being a FISHMONGER! How could Kyo get any happier that? Sailing everyday off to go and catch FISH! In a big net! In fact, Kyo decided then and there the only way he would ever be happy in life was if he could become a fishmonger. Never mind karate and being accepted by his family. FISH was the way to go!
He decided he would even have a little song that he would sing, out there on his fishmonging boat. It would go like this… ' Kyo, Kyo, Kyo the fishmonger, Sailor of the sea. Kyo, Kyo, Kyo the fishmonger, Catching all the fishies!'
Kyo hummed this to himself happily for awhile, but snapped out of it when he realized Tohru was watching him sit there surrounded by four fans humming to himself.
" Kyo-" She started.
" GO AROUND!" Kyo yelled at her, embarrassed. I mean, ANYONE would be embarrassed, but imagine if you were KYO and you had been doing what Kyo had just done.
" H-HAI!" Tohru shouted in panicked tones and sped off the same way Shigure had. She was no match for the Max Anger of Kyo. She found Shigure in the kitchen making some kind of leek pudding. I guess Kyo WILL be sorry!
Meanwhile, Kyo was sitting there beating himself up over the fact he had just screamed at Tohru, when this time, YUKI came walking up. Two down, one to go, Kyo!
" Go around!" Kyo told Yuki before he could say anything.
" You're blocking the whole house." Yuki pointed out. " And you took everyone's fans."
" SO?! I'm the only one whose HOT!" Kyo argued which was so not true on many, many different levels. He laughed evilly. " Besides, you can't do anything to stop me! It's IMPOSSIBLE to reach me over all these razor sharp fans, damn rat!"
Yuki simply walked over to the power strip that Kyo had stolen to plug all the fans in, and pulled all the cords out methodically with a bored look. Kyo watched as all the fans slowly spinned to a halt.
" Oh." Said Kyo. Then he realized WHOSE fault this was, and proceeded to try to attack Yuki, but tripped over the fans and fell like a fool. His FAN-FORT HAD TURNED AGAINST HIM!
" Go put those back in everybody's room, Kyo." Shigure commanded, peeking in from the outside door.
" NO! WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO?!"
" Because YOU'RE the one who stole them! But if you don't want to do it, I can make Tohru do it." Shigure said in a manipulative voice.
Of course, Kyo would NEVER purposely MAKE Tohru do something, so he picked up a fan and proceeded to march up the stairs with it. So much for his wonderful, wonderful plan.
" I made you something to eat when you're done, Kyo!" Shigure called after him, but was ignored.
Now that the living room was free again, everyone was happy and could relax without any strange creations by Kyo blocking their way. Everyone went about with their normal lives during summer vacation. What were they doing, you ask? Well, TOHRU was doing chores, YUKI was trying to do chores but just making an accidental mess of everything, and SHIGURE was… doing nothing!
Wow! I made another new discovery about Kyo-kun today. He loves fans! I love fans too. And I know YUKI-KUN loves fans, so Yuki-kun and Kyo-kun really ARE alike! Tohru thought to herself foolishly as she carried a big bag of laundry off to… the laundry room. Who would have thought that both Yuki AND Kyo liked FANS?!
All of a sudden, there was a knock at the door! Tohru COULD have asked Shigure or Yuki to get it, but of course she didn't. So she went to open it herself. AND WHO COULD IT BE?
" Hi." Said Hatori, looking down at Tohru. He was wearing SHORTS! My God, how terrifying! I mean, REALLY! Can you even IMAGINE Hatori wearing shorts? I can't. It's too scary!
"Um…" Tohru said, so distracted by the unexpected sight of Hatori's pantless legs that she couldn't even politely greet him. Poor Hatori didn't notice, since one doesn't really expect people to be shocked just because you're wearing shorts.
" Hi." He said again, stupidly.
" Ah! Hatori-san, hello! What brings you here?" Tohru asked, managing to tear her eyes away from the Hatori shorts.
" Just visiting." Hatori told her. Just visiting… IN SHORTS!
" Honda-san? Who is it?" Yuki asked, coming to see who Tohru was talking to. He froze and stared too when he saw Hatori was wearing shorts.
Hatori, now growing the slightest bit uncomfortable at all the staring, asked, " Is there something on my face?"
" No!" Both Tohru and Yuki exclaimed, both too kind to tell him that he looked like a creepy child murderer in shorts. They led him into the living room, and Tohru went off to make him some tea.
" Haa-san! Oh My God, you're-" Shigure exclaimed, bounding over to his friend, then stopping at the horrifying sight he had never seen before. In all their long, long years of friendship, never had he seen Hatori like this. NEVER.
" Here to visit!" Yuki interrupted to spare Hatori's feelings.
" Yes… hello." Shigure said slowly, regarding Hatori like some person he had never met in his life. They all took a seat, but both of them sat noticeably sat far away from Hatori because they didn't want to get too close to… the LEGS.
" Is something wrong?" Hatori asked.
" No." Shigure said automatically, and then whispered to Yuki who was sitting right next to him, " Do you think he'd kill us if we said anything?"
" You could at LEAST help me- When did Hatori get here?" Kyo asked angrily, coming down the stairs to get another fan, as if NO ONE should come visit without the approval of KYO.
" He's visiting." Yuki said, even though it was pretty obvious. Kyo marched down the stairs, not looking at Hatori, since the sight of him offended him THAT much, and grabbed another fan. Luckily, he didn't see Hatori's shorts, so it didn't warp his fragile mind.
" So… how's it going?" Shigure asked Hatori. " What brings you to the Sohma household?"
" Akito was throwing vases at me because I seemed to have offended him in some way." Hatori said, taking out a cigarette and began to smoke it. This immediately caused Shigure to LUNGE for a pack of cigarettes and begin to. Which left poor unsmoker Yuki feeling very out of place.
Suddenly… there was ANOTHER knock on the door! Who could it BE? Well, go and CHECK Yuki! Yeah, I'm talking to you. The other two were too busy smoking to be bothered.
So, Yuki went to go get the door like I asked. When he opened it, WHO COULD IT HAVE BEEN?!
It was Hatsuharu! He did his gliding little crazy thing towards Yuki, but Yuki smartly sidestepped so Haru just kept gliding forward until he crashed into a wall. Then he stood there with his face against the wall sadly.
" Hi, Yuki." He said after five minutes.
" Are you alright, Haru?" Yuki asked, turning his cousin around so that they were facing.
" I hit a wall." Haru admitted.
Yuki kindly led Haru into the living room so he wouldn't get lost, and they all sat down together. Haru didn't notice Hatori's SHORTNESS so there was no uncomfortable ness.
" Well, well, well! Another visitor! Why are YOU here, Ha-kun?" Shigure asked.
" It's a secret." Haru said mysteriously… or that might have just been his normal voice.
" I wanna know! I wanna know the secret!" Shigure exclaimed, hopping all around. " Is it a present for ME?"
" I don't… think so…" Haru said slowly.
" You don't even remember what it is?" Hatori asked.
And… HE WAS RIGHT! Haru had ALREADY forgotten the secret he was supposed to be keeping! Stupid, STUPID Haru! If there was someone I was going to tell secrets, it would be Haru. Because since he's not really even listening, it really WOULD be a secret.
" Haa-san, use your powers to go through his mind and find the secret." Shigure commanded.
" Can Hatori do that?" Yuki asked.
Everyone stared at Hatori expectantly, even Haru. They waited and they WAITED for him to use his mystical powers, but he didn't. Everyone knows Hatori can only use powers to erase memories… or CAN he?
" NOW, HARU?!" Kyo shouted, coming down the stairs to pick up another fan. " Why are all these people coming over?!"
" It's a secret." Shigure told Kyo, knowing this would drive Kyo NUTS! Kyo can't STAND it when people keep secrets from him.
" What secret?" Kyo asked curiously.
" It's about YOU." Shigure added maliciously.
" Why is everyone keeping secrets from me?!" Kyo whined, picking up another fan.
Everyone just stared at him. They're all a pretty mellow group, after all.
" FINE! I'LL FIND OUT ALL BY MYSELF, AND THEN TELL YOU WHAT YOU WON'T TELL ME!" Kyo screamed, and grabbed another fan, then ran up the stairs as fast as he could.
" What's up with HIM?" Haru asked incredously, and they all shrugged. They turned on the TV to their favorite show… The Arthur Show! Just kidding. The Sohmas took one look at that happy little aardvark and switched the channel faster than you can DUH.
Instead, they watched… COPS! Argh! Criminals roaming the streets! Reality Television!
" IIIIIIIII'M gonna get-cha, IIIIIII'M gonna get'cha, IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'M GONNA GET'CHA!" screamed a stupid cop on TV as he ran after a crazy drug dealer as they ran around in circles.
" The tea is ready! Sorry to keep you waiting!" Tohru said, coming in with the tea. She only had brought… FIVE CUPS! One for Yuki, one for Kyo, one for Hatori, one for Shigure, and one for HERSELF! Oh no, there won't be any for Haru, and he's the cow, and he has FOUR stomachs to feed!
" Ah, hello. I like tea." Haru said stupidly, making Tohru feel more and more like a heel. How could she live in the Sohma household and appreciate all her new discoveries and their never-ending wacky hijinks if she couldn't even have TEA ready for them when they unexpectedly dropped in?!
" Hatsuharu-san! Here you go. Did you come with Hatori-san?" Tohru asked, pretending that she hadn't brought a cup for herself.
Hatsuharu took a cup of tea and then SWIGGED it down at the speed of light, then gave Tohru a REALLY creepy look with glowing eyes and a dark aura, then said in a deep voice like a bullfrog, " MORE."
Just kidding. He said thank you and then waited for about thirty minutes before finally taking a sip, and by then it was COLD. Hatori sipped his quietly. Yuki sipped his quietly too. Shigure drank his own, and then just to be mean, drank KYO'S too!
" Why doesn't he just shoot him?" Haru asked, watching the Cops show that no one else was really watching intently. That cop was still chasing that drug dealer around in circles.
" Because, it's illegal." Yuki said, but he was also secretly wondering why. Of course, if YUKI was a police officer… I don't know. I've never thought of Yuki as a police officer. It's kind of like Ken being a Detective. You never EXPECT it to happen, and then… it does!
" You can't just run around and shoot people if you're a cop." Hatori said.
Haru turned around to look at Hatori, and then saw that he was wearing shorts. His eyes bugged out and he gave Hatori a confused look. " Are you wearing… SHORTS?" He asked.
"…yes…" Hatori replied with a confused look.
" WHY?" Haru pressed, as if Hatori were doing the hula and singing Prince songs in front of them.
" Because… it's hot outside?" Hatori answered, still not understanding that the world wasn't quite ready yet for Hatori in shorts.
All of a sudden… the doorbell rang! It rang over and over and over because at first, no one wanted to go get it, but finally, Haru got up and walked slowly… slowly… slowly… over to the door. It took him five minutes, and the person ringing the doorbell didn't want to let in very easily, so it was like…step…DING-DONG…step…DING-DONG…step…
Haru opened the door, and it was a Shoopuf Dude. The Shoopuf Dude gave him a SHOCKED look, and exclaimed, " IMPOSHIBIBBLE!" Haru slammed the door shut, terrified.
He opened the door again, and it was Momiji. " Why did you slam the door on me?" Momiji asked in a hurt little voice.
Haru could not describe what he had just seen, so he just sort of shrugged and let Momiji in. Momiji, who had already gotten over being mistaken for a Shoopuf Dude hopped in happily, skipping his way into the living room. Haru followed slowly behind.
" MINNA KONNICHIWA!" Momiji shouted happily, as his theme music with all the fun, fun samba polka began to play.
" ANOTHER guest?" Shigure said with a silly little laugh. " Why are YOU here, Momichi? Let me guess, you're in on the secret that brought Ha-kun here."
" What secret? I don't know about any secret. I just came here because Ha'ri and Haru left me alone with Akito." Momiji said, blinking. He didn't mind Hatori in shorts, because Momiji is ALWAYS wearing shorts.
" Okay, if it isn't a secret, WHY are you all coming to my house? This isn't one of those EXTREME MAKEOVER home specials, is it?" Shigure demanded suspiciously, and began looking all around for hidden cameras. " Yuki-kun, make sure the refrigerator magnets don't spell out ' YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN' or something like that."
" Okay." Said Yuki not making any move to do so.
" Momiji-kun! Hello!" Tohru said, JUST making her way into the kitchen with a cup of tea for herself. But now that MOMIJI was here, she just gave it to him. It didn't occur to him that Tohru didn't have psychic mind powers that let her know when Sohma guests were coming.
" YAY!" Momiji cheered, and took a big drink of his tea.
" Check the bottom of the cups! See if they say anything!" Shigure told everyone, looking down each one.
" Why is Momiji here?! Are you in on this little game too?!" Kyo yelled, making his way down for the LAST fan. He saw that everyone was having tea, and since he was pretty thirsty from all that fan carrying, he marched over to the table. Unfortunately, everyone had already drank their tea, and Shigure had drunken KYO'S tea, and Momiji had drunken Tohru's tea that she PROBABLY would have given to Kyo… So in short, NO TEA FOR KYO!
" HOW COME EVERYONE KEEPS COMING OVER?!" Kyo said, starting off on a tirade, hurt by the fact that everyone was talking about him and wasn't giving him any tea. He marched over and hefted up the fan. " IF I COME DOWN AND ONE MORE PERSON HAS COME OVER, I'M GOING TO GET REALLY MAD! AND YOU WON'T LIKE IT!"
" What's wrong with HIM?" Everyone said outloud when he was out of sight. Well… he's the CAT!
" So… Hatori came over because Akito was throwing vases, Haru came over because of a secret he can't remember, and Momiji came over because he was lonely…" Yuki murmured outloud, doing some detective work. Is it coincidence? I think NOT!
Tohru, who was very tired from all the tea making, sat down on the couch, but she was overjoyed that so many Sohma were surrounding her that WEREN'T Akito!
" Ne! There was a story at my school today. It was called, ' The Little Engine That Could!' " Momiji exclaimed, breaking the silence.
" Not right now, Momiji," said Hatori, since he secretly hated that story.
Suddenly there was a… TOYOTA TRUCK COMMERCIAL ON TV! But nobody heard it because they were too preoccupied by another knock from the door. This time… Shigure went to get it, because he was getting mighty suspicious, and wanted to see if it was a reporter lady from Extreme Makeover Home Edition.
But it wasn't! It was Kagura! " Shii-chan! How are you doing? I brought you a banana hammock!" Kagura said happily. A banana hammock for BANANAS, okay?! Get your mind out of the gutter!
" Waaaaait a minute, Kagura. Why are you coming to my house?" Shigure asked suspiciously, ignoring Kagura's generous offering of a banana hammock.
Kagura looked very hurt and vulnerable for about half a second before sucker punching Shigure in the stomach and marching through the house in a huff, kicking holes into the walls for fun and flinging the banana hammock into the air. It landed on Haru's head, but he didn't notice it at first.
" I'm the PIG!" Kagura bellowed in a guttural voice randomly, marching around the room in search for Kyo. Yuki rose because the sight of Haru just sitting there with a banana hammock on his head was just too sad.
" Kagura-san, hello!" Tohru said happily. Kagura hugged Tohru because she can, and then Momiji hugged Kagura because he wanted to, but no one else did any hugging because they're fuddy duddies.
" Where did you get that?" Haru asked Yuki, who was holding the banana hammock he had just removed from Haru's head.
" I THOUGHT I SAID THAT IF ONE MORE PERSON-" Kyo yelled, running down the stairs to kick some serious ass, but froze when he saw it was Kagura. And then began to run back up the stairs.
" DARLING!" Kagura screamed, and zoomed up the stairs after him.
" Oh, those wacky kids!" Shigure chuckled, crawling into the room, injured. " Haru, does Kagura have anything to do with your secret?"
" Nope. Nuh-uh." Haru replied.
" Sometimes, telling people about a heavy burden you're carrying makes you feel better!" Tohru told Haru ditzily, who just stared at her as if she was speaking a foreign language.
" Can I tell the story about the little engine that could?" Momiji asked.
Luckily, no one had to tell him no, because suddenly there was a… LOUD HONKING SOUND! Everyone RUSHED to the window and looked outside, even Kagura and Kyo! Who could it have been?
Well, this time it was two big cars (any kind of cars you like) and Ayame standing outside of one honking the horn like a fool. I guess he never thought about simply walking up to the door and KNOCKING to get their attention.
" Oh God." Yuki moaned.
" Don't answer it." Kyo warned.
But it was too late. Shigure was already gliding out the door over to Ayame.
" AYA!" Shigure shouted.
" GURE-SAN!" Ayame shouted.
" MIAKA!" Shigure shouted.
" TAMAHOME!" Ayame shouted.
" PIKACHU!" Shigure shouted like Veronica Taylor.
" PIKA-PIKA!" Ayame squeaked.
" STELLLLAAA!" Shigure shouted- Alright, that's enough of that.
" Why are you here?" Shigure asked joyously at his non-short wearing best friend.
" I'm here to take you all on a Sohma Vacation!" Ayame said happily, and he and Shigure did a girly squeal and starting hopping up and down holding hands.
" AYAME!" Kureno called from the other car.
" Oops. It was supposed to be a surprise. Oh well!" Ayame shrugged. Well, it's better this way anyway. It's not like they all would have just piled into the car and driven off blindly wherever Ayame and Kureno drove them.
" Vacation! YAY!" Momiji cheered, and bounced merrily out of Shigure's boring old house.
" Where are we going?" Haru asked, following the rabbit slowly out the door.
" (INSERT PLACE THAT IS FUN AND VACATION-LIKE HERE!)" Ayame answered excitedly. " Where's my little brother? YUKI! YOUR BROTHER IS HERE TO SHARE A FUN AND EXCITING KODAK MOMENT WITH YOU!"
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Yuki screamed mentally.
" And you have permission from Akito to do this?" Hatori asked doubtfully, walking out of the house with his hands crossed.
Ayame was about to hop over to Hatori and give him a big, affectionate best friend hug. He then noticed Hatori was wearing… SHORTS.
" Who wears short shorts?" Ayame sang, joined in by Shigure hopping around saying, " HATORI wears short shorts!" They continued on like this until Hatori, shamed and insulted, crawled into the back seat of Ayame's car.
" HOORAY!" Tohru and Kagura said, and linked arms and skipped merrily over to the cars.
" I don't wanna go! YOU CANT MAKE ME!" Kyo yelled rebelliously. Yuki stood his ground next to Kyo.
" KYONKICHI! LITTLE BROTHER! COME AND GET INTO THE CAR!" Ayame shouted with his hands on his hips as Momiji, Tohru, and Kagura went into the cars. Just so you know, Ritsu and Rin were there too. In the cars, I mean.
" NEVER!" Yuki and Kyo shouted.
" IF YOU DO NOT COME AND ENJOY THIS WONDERFUL UNEXPECTED VACATION WITH US, AYAME WILL COME LIVE IN OUR HOUSE FOREVER! HE HAS MY PERMISSION!" Shigure warned, putting his hands on his hips too. This was too much of a nightmare for Yuki and Kyo to imagine, so they walked over to them with their heads hung low.
" Little brother!" Ayame said happily, and tried to nuzzle Yuki affectionately, but missed, so he just nuzzled Kyo affectionately.
" That looked like it hurt!" Shigure laughed, staring down at the beaten up Ayame laying on the ground.
" I'm used to it!" Ayame chuckled. " So, everyone's ready… Haru, what are you doing?"
" Trying to figure out what car to ride in." Haru stated, looking back and forth from one car to another. He was the last person to get in.
" Just get in MY car." Ayame said impatiently. This was probably a dangerous choice for Haru's health, but he got in like he was told.
" So THIS must have been your secret, Ha-kun!" Shigure said to Haru as he began to get in.
" Nope." Haru said truthfully.
" It wasn't? Are you sure?" Shigure asked, surprised.
" Uh-huh." Haru nodded.
" Shigure, isn't your editor supposed to come by in a few days to pick up the manuscript for your next novel?" Hatori asked from inside the car.
" MWHAHAHAHA!" Shigure laughed, and they jumped into the car, and started on their way to… THE SOHMA VACATION FROM HELL!
" HEY! Did they think they could just LEAVE me here all alone? NASTY, STUPID HOBBITSES! WE HATES THEM! WE HATES THEM!" Akito yelled at that little white bird that is always trying to escape from his finger.
" But we'll find them, and spoil their little vacation… Right, my precious? I'll make them all wish I had never been born!" Akito laughed.
" They ALREADY wish that." The little white bird pointed out.
" Wait… you can talk?" Akito asked the bird.
" Uh…" Said the bird, now uncomfortable.
" Are you like… what are you?" Akito asked.
" Well, Akito, if you want to know the truth… I can't tell you yet. But listen to me. We have to ruin the Sohma Family Vacation. We have to. We haaaaaave tooooo…" The bird cooed, swinging it's head back and forth in a hypnotic way.
" Destroy… Sohma… Vacation… Black… Materia… Fluffy… is… tasty!" Akito repeated stupidly.
" EEEX-CELLENT." The little bird said like Mr. Burns and cackled evilly.
Hello. I'm Hayley Wallace. You may know from such other fanfics as Random Adventures with FF7 cast and Shoopuf dude. This section is where you may ask questions about the fanfic. Your questions will be answered by Carl. I can sum up who Carl is in four words.
Please put your questions in your review if you want them to be answered.
For now, I will just ask Carl some questions myself.
Hayley: Carl, why do you have antlers?
Carl: SHUT UP! QUIT MAKING FUN OF ME!
Hayley: How is this fanfic related to my other one?
Carl: They're both RETARDED, for one thing.
Hayley: …twitch… Anyway, do you have any favorite anime?
Carl: Oh yeah, how about… NONE! ANIME IS JUST CARTOONS WITH NUDITY AND SWEARING! And what's with those strange little facial expressions and crap?
Hayley: You should try and be more open-minded!
Carl: SHUT UP!
Anyway… Please send in questions. And be given fun answers! Insulting, yes… but fun!